One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago today, my life changed forever.  When my doctor called on that Thursday, earlier than the projected 72 hours needed for results from my biopsy, we knew something wasn't right.  Still, in that instant when she announced, "It's cancer," I knew I would never be the same again.

In my short history, I can recall only a handful of other dates in which I can pinpoint the exact moment my life as I knew it would be forever changed.  Among my favorites:  May 31, 2000: 11:00a.m.  I became Mrs. Stephen Cooper and forever a partner, no longer a single;  July 18, 2007: 9:25a.m.  I became a mother, forever giving my all to support a life which I helped create.;  April 9, 2010: 5:23 p.m.  My family grew by one, and my heart expanded to contain the extra love.;  November 11, 2011: 12:42 p.m.  I began to understand the Lord's timing, the miracle of trusting in His plan for me, and knowing beyond any doubt that our family needed this other precious soul to be complete.  Most of the life-changing moments that will be sealed in my memory forever have had an incredibly positive reason for their importance.  Initially, January 17, 2013 was quite the opposite, but it's amazing how tragedy can turn to triumph.

After the initial devastation and shock, after my life ended for a moment in time and I quickly woke back up and realized that I had too many reasons to keep going rather than give up, I knew I had a choice.  I could either let cancer define and destroy me, or I could transform and thrive.  Through the process, I have tried to look for the tender mercies of the Lord, to seek the positive, and to learn what He has planned for me, all while leaning on faith.  It's been a process, but I've learned to shift my perspective.  Being required to overcome has made me realize strengths I didn't know I had and has forced me to use them.     

This year has changed me, but that's what life is all about.  We are here to progress, constantly on the path, practicing perfection.  Physically, my body has undergone destruction and reconstruction, and I feel far from perfect in that aspect.  However, the physical fades; it is the soul that remains. 

"You have cancer," is something I never wanted {or expected} to hear last year, but that moment has now become just another turning point in my life.  Something shocking and scary has become surprisingly instructive and uplifting.  I did not choose this path, but as long as I'm on it, I might as well keep moving forward, getting stronger and continuing on to the next big thing. 
    

           

New Year--New Schedule

I WON'T be going to chemo today.

After weighing my options---including just being done altogether---I've decided to make a change.  On the last chemo of 2013, I actually talked to Dr. Naqvi about just calling it quits. 

"What's the big deal if I just call this my last chemo?" I asked her.
"Not an option," she replied immediately.
"But, I've finished more than half, and I don't even have breasts anymore.  Do I REALLY need to finish Herceptin?"
"Quitting is not an option.  Patients who don't complete the entire cycle have a much higher risk of cancer returning.  It almost always does.  And, it's always Stage 4.  And, it's usually in the brain.  So, you can see that quitting is just not an option.  In fact, now there is actually an additional drug we give patients with your type of chemo.  If I had my way, I would add even MORE onto your treatment plan, but there hasn't been enough testing done for cases like yours when the drugs are not administered at the same initial start time.  So, be glad you ONLY have Herceptin to finish."

"Oh, alright.  I'll be here next week."

At last week's appointment, a possible solution was offered.  Instead of coming every week, which is getting tiring and more and more difficult for making all the arrangements, I've now switched over to going only once every 2 weeks, but receiving a double dose of chemo.  I'll be a little more tired on those days, but I'll have a WHOLE WEEK in the middle with NO CHEMO!  The extra time {and money} this option has presented me is quite freeing.  It's also much easier, mentally, to finish.  Instead of 16 more rounds, I now only have 8.  EIGHT!  I can count the number of times I have to sit in that chemo chair on my fingers.  {It will still take 16 weeks, but I only have to make EIGHT more trips!!!!}

Excuse me, but I'm off to take TWO of my children to school, run errands, do a little shopping, and possibly even have time to make a chemo countdown chain, since  I DON'T have to make another trip to the hospital this week!
  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #36

It's 2014--the year I'll officially BTHO cancer!  In a few months, I'll be done with treatments and surgical procedures and will be able to move forward with a new outlook and a renewed gratitude for life and all its many blessings.  

After all the ups and downs, the difficult and dusty climbs, the setbacks, and the checkpoints in the journey, I've reached a place that is more about maintaining and finishing at a constant pace than struggling and straining with every breath.  I just come every week, receive my chemo, feel a little tired, and get back on with life.  I'll have a few more surgeries to complete the reconstruction of my breasts, but nothing compared to what I've already endured.  I don't want to jinx it or anything, but compared with what I've already experienced, this part feels a little like cruise control.  I still have road left to travel and possible stops along the way, but getting there is much easier than some of the other parts of the trip.  

In thinking about this point in my journey, I was reading from The Book of Mormon yesterday and saw a new light on an old verse.  This verse has always made me chuckle a little, so I remember it well, but I saw it in another way with this reading.  A little background on the story---a group of sisters, most likely popular, wealthy, and living a comfortable life, must leave their home and belongings to go with their family into the wilderness.  They join another family with many sons, marry, and have children in the wilderness----all while struggling to survive, enduring the death of their father, and traveling into the unknown.  Usually this story doesn't focus on the women because their husbands are the main characters.  However, their experience has great meaning to me.  

Here is a portion of their story: 

1 And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 

2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 

3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 17)

The part of the story that's always stuck out to me before was the part about the women being strong, "even like unto the men," as if that is the best description of strength.  {"If only I could be more like a man,THEN I would be strong," said no woman ever.}  

This time, my focus changed.  These women--with their families--were going through a difficult journey. Nephi described it as having to "wade through much affliction in the wilderness."  Wading is usually associated with strugggling through obstacles, walking with great effort, or moving slowly through mud, water, or other impeding forces.  Wading through much affliction implies great effort and long periods of time.  However, "so great were the blessings of The Lord upon [them]" that they were able to survive and thrive during this period of time.  They were able to live on whatever food they could find.  The women were able to bear children and keep them healthy.  They were strong and blessed.  And, possibly most importantly, "they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings."  Nowhere in this story does it say that The Lord blesses these people by simply removing their challenges.  They don't wake up one  morning, back in their warm beds, realizing that wilderness business was all a bad dream.  Their lives are filed with challenges, but they are able to endure those challenges and eventually learn to do it without complaining.  Why?  Because the blessings of The Lord were "so great" and God did "nourish them, and strenghten them....[and] did provide means for [them]" to do so.  They were able to "accomplish the thing which [the Lord] commanded them," because they were blessed greatly AND because they kept the commandments.  That winning combination allowed them to eventually bear their burdens well.  And, if a miracle as great as women living through challenges without complaining about them could occur, we know that all things are possible!

I can relate to the story of these women.  They were on a difficult journey, one they neither sought out nor desired.  This journey brought great pains, affflictions, difficulites, and challenges to endure.  Eventually, something must have changed in these women.  They became strong and realized their strength.  They began to live and "bear their journeyings without murmurings."  They probably grew in knowledge and experience, learning things about themselves they never knew before.  In all this time, the hard parts of the journey were not removed from their path, but they were blessed enough to make up the difference.    

As I look back on my experience with cancer so far, many parts of it have felt like having to "wade through much affliction."  I've traveled into an unknown wilderness, having to rely on faith, family, and friends to help me through. At times, I've complained and murmured about my lot.  But, I feel as if I'm stronger now. I'm able to see the great blessings in my life. Although my challenges have not been simply removed, I am able to bear them.  I know life has ups and downs, and sometimes the ups outnumber the downs....{is that a song?}. For the times when I'm wading through afflictions instead of coasting on cruise control, I'm going to remember to bear my journeyings without murmurings and know that I am strong enough to endure whatever comes my way, through the great blessings of The Lord.