I have hesitated to record this on my blog because I didn't want anyone (other than me) to have to carry worry on their shoulders. However, maybe it's better to get it out there now instead of letting it hit everyone out of nowhere in case it turns into something.
For almost 3 weeks, I've had headaches that won't completely go away. In the early stages, Dr. Pepper would help. In the last 3-4 days, it's gotten much worse, especially when I'm driving or when coming up from picking something off the floor. It feels like an intense pressure starting on the back of my head and moving up through to the front. It's like feeling completely lightheaded, but also having a wave of pain. Headaches with lots of pressure can be scary with stage 4 cancer.
I talked to Dr. Fleener about it and was instantly reminded why I love her so much. She just gets it. She said that she would happily send me for a brain MRI, even if it's just for peace of mind. However, the symptoms I explained did not put her on high alert for cancer. It's much more likely that the pressure is related to an infection that I have (most likely laryngitis or sinusitis) than to a tumor. She prescribed some antibiotics for me to take and monitor the headache over the weekend. By Monday, if I'm still concerned, she asked me to call and schedule an MRI. "By no means are you to go through the Thanksgiving holiday worrying about this!," she insisted.
So, there's that.
Sadly, it's always lurking in the back of my mind (no pun intended)...this idea, the question of when and where cancer is going to come back.
Most days, I truly try to live in the moment, to enjoy something, anything, every day. I strive to take the highs and the lows in stride without worrying too much about what will or will not come the next day. I'm not saying I've stopped planning for the future. We still do plenty of that, for what's the point of life if you don't have something to work toward, goals to reach, and an exciting plan as motivation?
I refuse to let the dark cloud of cancer shade my joy. Uncertainty and fear will not keep me from experiencing, learning, and seeking the sunshine. Cancer might come back quickly, or I might live much longer than anyone could expect. No matter what happens, I will continue to look for the bright spots, giving thanks unto God for all He has blessed me with.
One of my favorite quotes, one that I display each November in celebration of Thanksgiving tells just why gratitude is so important:
Every day I need heaven's help. I need God's love and I need to allow myself to feel that love, even in the difficult moments.
Life is good even when it's hard, and I will keep on fighting, with heaven helping me move onward.
These boots are made for kicking cancer to the curb!!
