H&P #23

This one hit me hard.  Whether in a combination of overdoing it over the holiday weekend, poor food choices, or just "fun" side effects from the meds, it was a hard day.  I was supposed to have a conference call and was so knocked out I slept through my alarm!!!

It really isn't easy to NEVER be done with all of this.  Demoralizing, actually.  No end in sight, and my body slowly breaks down.  It's like Russian Roulette, waiting and guessing when/where/if cancer will return and how badly.  I try to stay positive and "keep fighting," but this 4-year-long war has already taken its toll--on me, on my family, on those who have given their time and talents to help us.    But, what am I going to do?  Give up?  Not a chance!  So, forward we march, onward, ever onward!

I'm reminded of the words to this hymn:

Called to serve Him, heav'nly King of glory,

Chosen e'er to witness for his name,

Far and wide we tell the Father's story,

Far and wide his love proclaim.

Called to know the richness of his blessing--

Sons and daughters, children of a King--

Glad of heart, his holy name confessing,

Praises unto him we bring.

Chorus

Onward, ever onward, as we glory in his name;

Onward, ever onward, as we glory in his name;

Forward, pressing forward, as a triumph song we sing.

God our strength will be; press forward ever,

Called to serve our King.

Words: Grace Gordon, alt.

Music: Adam Geibel, 1855-1933

Throughout this journey, I've had a few experiences that have led me to believe that there is purpose in trial, that it's important to trust God and serve Him, in good times and bad.  I have been chosen to be a witness of miracles, so I can testify of God's glory.  At times, it seems He could make his point in much simpler ways, but perhaps there are specific individuals who need to hear my experiences in order to find faith for their own trials.  As long as there is something I can do to press forward, being Called to Serve, I will.

I wasn't in much of a butt-kicking mood, so the slippers felt more appropriate.  

H&P #22

I'm back to my normal chemo schedule.

It's actually been a weirdly eventful 3 weeks in between the last treatment.  Believe it or not, that time frame involved ANOTHER MRI to investigate the suspicion of.....you guessed it....MORE CANCER!!!!

This time, it was my knee that gave cause for concern.  The last Thursday in April, I woke up, got out of bed, and felt pain in my left knee (the one which had surgery last October), and collapsed under my own weight.  I couldn't really think of a logically reason for this "injury."  Thankfully, I still had a brace to wrap around my knee as well as my crutches from the surgery.

Stephen was more concerned about this being more than a simple injury.  He was at work, but he happens to work AT A HOSPITAL.  He found Dr. V, my orthopedic surgeon, and explained what was going to.  The doctor wanted me to call his nurse and get a Monday appointment, even though he was "booked."

Over the weekend, the pain got better, and the leg got stronger.  Even so, Stephen insisted I make the appointment.  When we talked with Dr. V, he seems a little perplexed about my symptoms vs. my pain, description of the injury.  We did an x-ray, and there showed a tibia fracture, but, more concerning, what looked like......you guessed it.....CANCER.

We scheduled an MRI the next day.

Dr. V called on Wednesday with results:  Thankfully, it's not cancer.  It is, however kind of serious.  You had bone infarction, which had caused that are of your bones to not receive blood supply and die.   That part of bone will never grow back, so you just have to strengthen around it.  But, you have to take it easy for 3 months, maybe as long as 6.  No exercising on it, and take it easy.


Well, that was a weird--and actually quite rare--thing to happen.  It's not cancer, so I'll keep being thankful for the little things.  And, I am determined to take it easy, for if I don't, I'll need a total knee replacement.  Leave it to me to injure myself in weird ways!!!

There have been several times in the last few weeks when I have felt alone.  Whether physically alone or feeling emotionally empty and without hope.  I've asked "why?" I keep having all these extra problems, "why?" I have to go through any of this?, or "how long" is this going to keep plaguing our lives?  

As long as I let myself become weighted down by that line of thinking, I need to turn to scriptures like these: 

When we try to take courage in trials, the Lord will do so much more to make up the difference.  He will strengthen our hearts, helping our hope.  He will hold us by the hand and help us.  He will be on our right and left sides, with his Spirit in our hearts, sending angels to bear us up.  We can do hard things because we are never alone!  We are getting strength from God.  Sometimes, all we can give is courage and hope, and God will do the rest.  And, there are times when our hope and prayers for this life are not answered in the way we want, but we can continue to hold tightly to the hope and courage in the Lord to seek for the hope of the next life.  For He will always be in our hearts, as long as we let Him in.