H&P #30...HALLOWEEN!

I love Halloween!

It just so happened that my treatment fell on October 31st, so I used it as an excuse to dress up in my pink princess power suit.  The sight of me brought smiles to some, eye contact avoidance with others, and the comment, "You must be a FUN person!"







I like to think I am a pretty fun person, even when I'm not dressing up for a holiday.  I try to be positive and friendly.  I try to serve others and give back.  I've felt that it's important to stand out and stand up, using my journey through cancer to inspire hope.  This month, I lost a bit of wind from my sails, though.  I sadly found out that some people think my faith isn't inclusive to supporting all women facing a cancer battle and that my story isn't compelling enough because it's not a "happy ending," that my future is unknown.  

I felt pretty defeated after learning these opinions.  Beside my family, my biggest reason for keeping up the fight is to support and inspire others through their similar cancer journey, or though any challenge they might face.  I kept going over and over in my mind why these people couldn't or wouldn't see that.  I kept challenging these opinions, just in my own head.

 "True, I could die of cancer.  But, that doesn't mean my story isn't inspiring!  No one makes it out of this life alive.  We all have a terminal illness.  It's called 'mortality.'  The inspiring part is what you do with the time you're given and how you face the storms and learn to dance in the middle of them!  I fight with faith, perhaps not the same faith that every person does, but finding faith and hope and love in something is what the fight is all about.  Perhaps my story could inspire others to find their own faith."

I questioned if I should give up and quit putting myself out there, stop sharing my faith and hope for the future, no matter how long it may be.  The comments stung.  I took them too personally.  I wanted to fix it, to fight back and defend myself, to make them see.


Soon, I was shown that I just needed to turn the other cheek.  Trying to debate these opinions would get me no where and would sever friendships more than it would satisfy my pride.  However, I don't want anyone to ever feel that they aren't good enough, or that their story doesn't matter, the way I felt for several days this month.


In case no one has tole you:

You are loved and known.  You have a part to play in this world.  There will times when certain people don't believe in you, don't agree with your positions, or don't fully support you.  Those are people who don't quite understand.  Those people are not your tribe.  Find your tribe, and allow them to fight fiercely, right along with you.   With your warriors on your side, it's so much easier to break through the self doubt and hold on to hope.  You always have someone in your corner, so keep on keepin' on.  You are good enough!      





Still kicking cancer's butt!

H&P 29, Appt. with Fleener, 3-month Shot #1

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month!  Dr. Fleener wondered if I was a person who celebrated or hated October for that reason.  I celebrate it!  

So much so, that I put a pink glaze in my hair and showed up for treatment in pink, head to toe!  

In my appointment, we basically discussed the change in my Zoladex shots, from once a month to every 3 months.  Side effects could be more pronounced in the first month, but taper down in the next two.  Or, it could not affect my body at all.  We will have to wait and see.   

I have been thinking about miracles lately.  Just last Friday I talked to the my sons about the mini miracle that happened, thanks in part, from their constant prayers for my health.  On Wednesday, I woke up with a sore throat.  Throughout the day, I started to cough and feel worse.  Thursday was worse.  I ended up in bed for most of the day, eating soup, drinking fluids, and pumping up on vitamin C.

For the last few years, about 3 times a year, I get a cough/cold that doesn't quit.  I cough so loudly and deeply at night that I keep Stephen up unless I sleep in another room.  Plus, with my immune system as weak as it is, it usually takes weeks to overcome.  Miraculously, I woke up on Friday feeling well.  No tired aches, and even the cough was gone!

When I think about how little time I might have because of cancer, I worry that my sons may not believe in miracles and answers to their prayers if I'm not healed.  How much more important it is for me to explain to them the miracles of healing that I receive, such as what happened last week.  This amazing blessing could have only happened as an answer to prayer.  When the cough and sore throat began, I just knew I'd be facing weeks of sickness, but it cleared up in 2 days.

Then, this weekend I heard a quote that backed up my thoughts on the gratitude for even small miracles.

The Lord is in the small details of our lives…God’s miracles remind you that He is close, saying, “I am right here."  Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure [those] moments...(Ronald A. Rasband).

Finding the daily miracles, the "tender mercies" from above is one way to see the good in hard times. I've tried hard to train myself to be more positive, especially since my terminal cancer tries to suck all of the light out of life.  God does remind me daily, however, that He is close and that he knows me and my family and our needs.  All we need to do is start to recognize them and give thanks for those blessings.  I can only hope that counting these miracles as they happen will help my kids to remember how much God loves our family, even though the big miracle might never come.

That I've made it this far is a miracle.  (I've passed the 6 months from February's 6 months to a year to live.) I know further miracles lie ahead, and look forward to recognizing them.