Birthday Appointment

 The day after my birthday, dressed in my finest 'Birthday Queen' shirt and most sparkling crown for travel to the far-away lands of my cancer clinic, to party with oncology friends and strangers.  This follow-up appointment was so close to my actual birthday, that it deserved to be celebrated.  (Side note: I'm now 41.  That's quite an achievement for someone who was told they would never make it to 38!)

 This day was a check-up day, only, NO INFUSION.  Dr. Cole wanted more lab work and more face to face, due to last week's low numbers and concern for my overall health.  

It was also a day that melted my heart and brought tears, as well. Today I received so much more than care and kindness from my team.  As I met with Dr. C, there was a knock on the exam room door.  A crowd of masked, busy nurses stood outside, having taken time out to build a spontaneous surprise donut cake and sing "Happy Birthday" and spread so much love for little ol' me.  What an amazing gift--to know that I am a real person and not just another number on the list of patients for the day.  I have tried to show my love for these essential workers in my life, and I a grateful that that my love was relieved and rebounded in a personal way!  

Lab results were, again, not what Dr. Cole had hoped for.  They were still too low to start back on full dosage. In fact, my body is so worn down, from the bones-out, that she doesn't think I will ever be able to take any chemotherapy at full dose.  Hear that, cancer?  You might think you're winning.  However, when anyone tells me "you probably can't....." it also means, "you most likely will and disprove us all."  

Hopefully, another week of 2 few pills a day from one drug and another week of holding out altogether on the other will help.  

It is not fun to know that there is cancer lurking and growing inside my body.  It feels terrible to have a plan and then have that plan end up hurting me so much that plans have to change.  

I know God knows me and has plans for me.  I don't know what, exactly, those plans are right now, so I continue to search and pray and HOPE that I still have good to give to the world.  Even it is only my world at home, there is great importance in the space.  

I have more to care for in my home world than I ever thought I would.  After seven years of struggles with infertility, miscarriages, sadness, and pain of want for a family, we finally had our first child.   The second little blessing came much sooner and with less struggle and heartbreak.  That unexpected third baby was a total surprise and did not come according to our plans.  Our family was complete, three beautiful boys and 11 years later.  

That pure love and gratitude for blessings was jackhammered with the heartbreak of breast cancer the following year.  What? Had we not ached and bled and pleaded for these miracles in our lives?  Had that storm NOT been enough to teach proper humility and faith.  Had we not learned well enough to appreciate the heartbreak and heartache from this hardship?  Why did this new wretchedness work its way in so soon after receiving three of life's greatest joys?? 

And again, and again, and again, and again.  

What I am not understanding about grace and joy and tragedy and trials?  Do I have to be willing to NOT be healed?  I don't know how to just NOT try at all, but I do know that God knows and that  is the most important thing feeding my hope for now.

Until some new light illuminates some other way around this mess, I will continue to fight for faith and hope and strength and health and miracles so that love and kindness and truth can shine out of me.  It is real.  When doctors can't explain how I made it all the way to 41, the miracles have to be real.  And, I will continue to seek that truth and show that gratitude during sunshine and storm. 

(Surely, the cancer isn't done having the hell beat out of it.  Onward!  FIGHT!) 

  

 

Round 2-ish. Some Adjustments Needed

It was not a piece of cake to leave my Virtual Academy students at  home while I received my 2nd infusion.   I figured that I wouldn't be there too long, as I was going for labs and a 30 minute infusion.  

As with so many other plans made in 2020, the day didn't quite turn out as expected.  

We showed up early. I had blood taken for labs and thought it would be a hop-skip-jump to my infusion room.  As such, I left all my items in the lobby with my friendly driver. There was no time for retrieval and no open infusion rooms, and I was surprised to be taken directly from the labs, through the secret hall, straight to meet with Dr. Cole + her oncology fellow.  It was not straight, though.  What a wait,  especially with no tech to keep me occupied!  (I passed the time with a little observation-room yoga!). A new nurse came in to ask all the questions, and there was another interval of clinic pilates.

Dr. C was happy to meet face to face, but not happy with my lab results.   After my week off of one chemo pill, she expected my blood to have a better bounce back.  However, these old bones aren't doing much bouncing at all these days, thus no assistance to important blood stuff rebounding. Instead of counting on the originally scheduled chemo restart, Dr. Cole gave me another week of rest and decreased the dosage of the second chemo pill. I would then wait until a room to open up and continue to the Herceptin infusion, returning in 5-7 days for more lab work.  

Instead of continuing a pre-chemo workout, I was reunited with my friend and my stuff back in the lobby for another large fraction of the day.  FINALLY, a room opened up, and it took no time to be out and back home, praying my kids were able to stay alive with the extended adult absence.  

I like to joke that cancer has made me "mostly dead," many times over.   As we all know, "Mostly dead IS slightly alive," and it has taken multiple miracle pills to put me back up on my feet to fight.   In this case, I'm hoping that my lower dosage of miracle pills will allow my mostly hollow bones to make enough to keep me going.  

 I'm finding in this mostly disastrous year, there are MORE than just slightly enough reasons to keep on living and looking for all the miracles that the Maker will send my way.       

Round One: Check! (First Three Weeks Complete)

 I was afraid.    

I know I'm not supposed to have fear if my faith is strong enough.  That very thought is repeated in scripture and uplighting messages so often that it should just be easy. 

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10)

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

...Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:9)

It just isn't always easy.  Sometimes I DO feel dismayed!!!

 Even with all the reminders, overcoming is often any but simple.  Just reading about turning to the Lord and allowing Him to replace fear or anxiety or concerns and questions with peace doesn't always happen with a thought or a prayer or the snap of the fingers.  For me, it is something that has been cultivated.  With this constant struggle with cancer and all the pain and fear and unknowns, I am finding the process this time even less of an instant feeling of peace.  So many scary thoughts and feelings try to seep into my consciousness: 

Cancer came back so quickly this time.  

 I'm running out of options.  

So far, the approved and possible treatments that I haven't already tried include only the one I'm on.

Soon, I'll be left with only a handful of trials.  

In the meantime, I have a few annoying/painful side effects to put up with.  

This junk feels hopeless.

How would those around me feel if I just decided to give up? 

But........I can't even let myself dwell on the thought of giving up, so I don't give up.  I keep going.  Even when I HATE it!!!  I constantly tell myself: 

Today's fear can become tomorrow's faith.  

  I keep getting my butt out of bed and doing the things and swallowing all the pills and trying to beat this beast back.  

Thankfully, so far my only side effects from those long lists have been a day of constipation; a day of diarrhea (probably brought on from the drugs to stop the constipation.); some sensitivity and pain on my hands; more of that on the soles of my feet; most of that pain and a feeling of burning and constant blisters on my lower lip, of all places. 

Also, I am tired ALL.THE.TIME.

For the hand and foot stuff, I lather up on all the heavy creams and often wear socks on my feet for most of the day and night.  For the lips...I have tried ALL the balms and chaps and glosses and creams and plant extracts I could find.  FINALLY today, the day before starting this madness all over again...my lip is feeling better!   

This at-home stuff has not been as scary as I thought it would be before I got going.  I'm in it now

and don't dwell so much on the bad, especially because the bad is far less that I thought it would be before starting this three weeks ago.  

Tomorrow will be another infusion + restarting the higher-dosed pill, at a smaller dose this time.  I'm feeling far less anxious and much more faith in the Lord's promises to strengthen me through the storm.  (I have a leg up because I come from a long line of strong women, and I got to spend the weekend with two of those!)

One socked foot in front of the other.