I sometimes feel guilty, looking the way I do, as the typical, sad, struggling cancer patient. It's not that I'm not a cancer patient these days, but I just feel so much better than my no hair/no eyebrows, alien exterior is portraying.
Enhertu has been the miracle drug in my life. In the near decade of trying so many medicines and treatments, I finally feel like I'm on one that doesn't leave me sickly and sore, yet ACTUALLY fights my tumors well. That is a miraculous feeling.
Meeting with Dr. Cole today was a breeze. My labs are all in normal ranges. The miracle drug was approved for another dose. The infusion sped by.
There are days when I feel quite tired and not up to my usual stamina. My body does not heal as quickly as it once was able to. The most problematic small ailment I'm fighting is my big toe. Nearly a year ago, something very heavy fell on it, which is what stared this whole process. The wound bled and bruised, but didn't feel broken. Soon, it began to look much improved.
Little did I know that something was brewing inside. Along with stubs and bangs to break open the scab, soon enormous pain followed. An ingrown toenail was inside. I had that cut out and wrapped up for days and began the healing process again. On accident, my son ran toward me, crushing the toe and starting this process again.
This toe cannot catch a break. It's the one that catches the foot of furniture or gets stepped on multiple times since the beginning of the drama. And, just when I think it's fine, I'm sensing another ingrown toe in m near future!
How can this tiny big toe be the cause of so much frustration? Don't I have enough health issues to keep me occupied? What a small thing to complain over. That's just it. Anyone an ingrown toe experience knows the pain and aggravation of the process, just as those with any difficulties (all of us) can relate to all the downtrodden among us. This has become a major source of learning during this years of fighting cancer. I could have given up and let nature take me, but I am still here. I have more to do and more to learn. We all have major and minor aggravations and trials in life. That is this life. It's how we become stronger and more empathetic to the troubles of our fellow humans.
I came across this quote this week while helping my son prepare to speak to our church congregation on Sunday. He was asked to discuss How he knows that God knows him and loves him and all on earth.
Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes.,, We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation,...turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face. (Thomas S. Monson)
I could not have stated it better myself.
Hard experiences are not punishments for sin [most of the time] All must face troubling events. We learn from all we endure. God is with us and knows them all. He will help if we ask in faith.
So many prayers and blessing have been given to my whole family during these years. There have been times when Iv'e cried over a stubbed toe and ached because fellow fighters heave lost earthly battles. I have screamed in to pillows and cried in a dark closet in frustration and Danes about my misfortune. I have prayed to know why and listened for the answers. I have begged for healing, and hat hasn't fully come physically, but has in small and simple ways. Spiritually and emotionally. I'm learning and growing. Realizing that I can help others in my own experiences is a blessing, one I could hot provide without my own trial of fire. I have learned patience and forgiveness and charity that help me be a better person, mother, wife, and daughter. Fighting cancer with hope for the light at the end continues to make me a more loving person, one who doesn't fear those who stare and judge or even death. It's something I constantly battle: inside and out, but a battle with miraculous and awe inspiring times.
I'll keep on fighting, one injured toe stop at a time!
