Two Months Free--And Trying to Be Like Jesus

 Two months ago today I heard those wonderful results: "You're Cancer Free!"  

So much has happened since then.  We've moved.  I'm no longer blonde.  Well, those are the major things.   

One of my goals during my treatment was "to not shrink," to actually come out of the process stronger, {hopefully} wiser, with a stronger faith and better attitude of thanksgiving for my Savior and for all the tender mercies and silver linings that exist, even in the darkest hours.  I wanted to make a point to make something of my journey, to fight and survive, to enjoy life, even when it, at times, frankly sucked.  

It's fitting that I saw this quote this morning from a breast cancer site I follow:

Believe me---I know it is hard to enjoy life every day and during every trial.  That's why she calls it "the trick."  None of us enjoy being in the storms if life or feeling the heat from the refiner's fire.  However, even during the most challenging moments of life, we have much for which to be grateful.  We can enjoy so much of life, even while only holding onto hope that better days are ahead.  We have to keep living.  Only in pressing forward will we grow and will our burdens be lightened.  

I made a goal of studying more about Christ and trying to become more Christlike.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I was asked to speak in church 3 times in the last 18 months, and all 3 subjects related to our Savior.  What a blessing it has been for me to share my testimony.  I share it here today, as I celebrate 2 months of freedom from cancer.

One of my favorite primary songs begins:
"I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways."

Even as children, we begin to learn that we should turn to Jesus for an example and that two of the most important verbs in that experience are “trying” and “following.”   Jesus has shown us the way and has commanded us to follow and to try to become like him. 

In 3Ne 27: 27  our Savior asks, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.”

We have this commandment to be like the Savior, but what kind of man is he?  A good place to start this study is the scriptures, which are full of examples of attributes of Christ. 

Alma 7:23-24 as alma is bearing his testimony to the people of Giddeon:

 And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.
 And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

2 Peter 1:4-8

Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature,
 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
  And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
  And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

Article of Faith # 13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
 

I don’t think it is a coincidence that many of these values and attributes can be found in mottos and themes with which we are probably familiar. 

You might recognize:
The Relief Society Theme, “Charity Never Faileth,”

Or, from the Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, and reverent.
 

The Young Women motto and theme have a similar feel: Stand for Truth and Righteousness and
strive to live the Young Women values, which are:
Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue
 

The Faith in God Award, as well as My Gospel Standards, for primary children, repeat many of these attributes.  Christ like behavior is found all throughout the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet, church magazines, and the topics of gospel lessons, conference talks.  These reminders to Follow in the ways of Jesus and try to be like Him are all around us.
 

The Prophet Ezra Taft Benson summed up Christlike attributes by quoting

D&C 4: 6
6 Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
About this section of scripture, The prophet
“These are the virtues we are to emulate. This is the Christlike character.”
 

Our Savior is perfect, complete., and He expects us to become perfect, too. 
 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” [Matthew 5:48.]
 

Joseph Fielding Smith said:

… I believe the Lord meant just what He said, that we should be perfect, as our Father in heaven is perfect. That will not come all at once, but line upon line and precept upon precept, example upon example, and even then not as long as we live in this mortal life, for we will have to go even beyond the grave before we reach that perfection and shall be like God.
But here we lay the foundation. Here is where we are taught these simple truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in this probationary state, to prepare us for that perfection. It is my duty, it is yours, to be better today than I was yesterday, and for you to be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow than you were today. Why? Because we are on that road, if we are keeping the commandments of the Lord, we are on that road to perfection, and that can only come through obedience and the desire in our hearts to overcome the world. …

Sometimes it may feel overwhelming, this commandment to be perfect, to be like our Savior at all times, and in all things, and in all places.  Being perfected is a life-long process.  In order to succeed and begin to develop Christ like Attributes, I suggest a 3-step process—first, start where you are, do not compare yourself to others, and rely on the Savior. 
 

1)Start where you are.  Each of us has been given unique talents and spiritual gifts.  We are all born with the Light of Christ.  We all have a place to start.
D&C 46: 11-12

11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
 12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

Bruce R. McKonkie said, “spirtitual gifts are endless in number and infinite in variety.” 
 

The scriptures list many specific gifts, attributes of the Savior, that each one of us has been given as a starting place, something that is more easily developed within us.  As we read through these lists, we should identify our talents and discover places to start to emulate the Savior. 
 

Elder Marvin J. Ashton and Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve listed other spiritual gifts.  See if you recognize yourself as being blessed with these:
asking
listening
hearing and using a still, small voice
being able to weep
avoiding contention
being agreeable       

avoiding vain repetition
seeking that which is righteous         

not passing judgment
looking to God for guidance
being a disciple                 

caring for others
being able to ponder
offering prayer                 

bearing a mighty testimony
receiving the Holy Ghost
being able to calm             

being able to be calm
being able to care             

being able to study
 

This list could go on and on.  We all have been given spiritual gifts so there is an easy place to begin our journey of following Jesus and Trying to be like him. 

Once we identify some of our spiritual gifts and have a place to start, we may have to start where we are every single day until we overcome a challenge or practice a new attribute.  I have to wake up every morning and try my hardest to not lose patience with my children.  Every day I start where I am.  This is ok, for our Heavenly Father understands that we will make mistakes.  We can repent.  We can start fresh.  We can renew covenants weekly by taking the sacrament.  It's okay to take baby steps in the journey of following Jesus.  
Lorenzo Snow reminds us to start where we are.  “Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today. The temptations that perhaps partially overcome us today, let them not overcome us so far tomorrow. Thus continue to be a little better day by day;
Elder Bednar has repeated this thought: “If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that's enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that's enough.”
Just Start where you are. 

2) Do not compare yourself to others—neither in an attempt to make yourself feel better about where you are nor worse. 
Just like we all have to start where we are, everyone else is doing the same and no one else has the same starting point.  Nothing good can come of comparing our journey to that of one of our brothers or sisters. 
Merrill J. Christensen gave a talk in 2007 on Comparing, Competing, and Individual Worth.  He said: 

Comparison of our weaknesses with others’ talents or of our talents with those who are truly gifted can be discouraging and may decrease our sense of self-worth. Such comparison may lead to the sins of envy and ingratitude as we focus on and fret about what we don’t have rather than on what we have been given.

Ezra Taft Benson spoke on Pride and discussed how comparing and competing with others to make yourself feel better about where you are often leads to mediocrity.   

Only compare yourself today to the person you were yesterday or with the Savior and keep trying to become more like Him.  
Not one person’s story is just like ours, not their strengths, nor weaknesses; not their triumphs, nor trials.  We have made a covenant to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  We must learn to comfort and mourn with others without comparing or competing, for without the Savior, none of us will ever have the hope of becoming perfect.  

 Brother Christensen continued, “In the last chapter of the Gospel of John, we read of Jesus’ charge to Peter as the two walked along the seashore:
Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following. . . . Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me. [John 21:20–22]
The message to Peter and to us is clear: “Don’t concern yourself with others’ assignments or performance. You worry about what I’ve asked you to do.”

Comparing our journey to others’ will only distract us from pressing forward and following in Jesus’ ways. 
 

3) Rely on the Savior
It was the Savior himself who said,  “come, follow me.”  This commandment was given to his disciples, to the rich young man, and to us.
John 10: 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
 

Our Savior has promised us that He will never leave us alone, that we may always have his spirit to be with us, and  that when we follow him and rely on Him, he will ease our burdens.  

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light. 

Because the Savior has already led the way, and because the Atonement allows us to repent and change for the better, we have the hope of becoming perfect through the grace of the Savior.  It is only when we rely on Him that we will begin to change.  
If we don’t know where else to turn, we can rely on the Savior through prayer.  

Moroni 7:48 

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

In this scripture, we are promised that praying unto the Father "with all the energy of heart" and continuing on in a path that follows in the Savior's ways will eventually lead us to becoming like Him.  Relying on the Savior, taking His yoke upon us, following in His ways, using the Atonement---it's the only way we can hope to become more perfect.  

President Lorenzo Snow,

Our hearts should be set on things above; to strive after that perfection which was in Christ Jesus, who was perfectly obedient in all things unto the Father, and so obtained His great exaltation and became a pattern unto His brethren. Why should we fret and worry over these temporal things when our destiny is so grand and glorious? If we will cleave unto the Lord, keep His commandments, pattern after His perfections and reach out unto the eternal realities of His heavenly kingdom, all will be well with us and we shall triumph and obtain the victory in the end.

Our greatest hope of becoming like our Savior is by coming unto Him.  We are commanded to do so, but are offered the promise that by doing so, we will be perfected in Him.  
Moroni 10:32  

Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

The Savior is our perfect example.  All good things are characteristics of Him.  We have been commanded to be like the Savior and to become perfect ourselves, but this task is one on which we can never give up. 
If everyday we start where we are.  Avoid comparing ourselves to others, and rely on the Savior, we will become more complete and more perfect day by day.   

As Gordon B. Hinckley so beautifully admonished us.  Simply "Try a little harder to be a little better."

BTHO Cancer Party

I have many, MANY pictures from my big btho cancer party.  Instead of posting them all on this blog,  HERE is the link to our family blog that documented the whole thing.  We wanted to beat the hell outta cancer, and we did it!!!! {I say "we" because winning this battle was not done by one person.  It took an army of supporters to help me make it through to the other side.}

Thank you for all the love, support, words of encouragement, faith, service, concern, prayers, donations, and happy thoughts.  I would not have made it through this journey being able to see the tender mercies and silver linings without all of you.  I hope to pay this love and support forward when some of you have your own battles to fight. 

There will be times when each of us is faced with something that turns our world upside down.  Remember that during these times of trial, these storms in life, we are being tested.  We have much to learn and many ways in which to grow.  When we face the storms with faith and not fear, we come out stronger.  Without the tests, we cannot prove to ourselves and to The Lord who we are and what we have become.  Some storms come and go quickly, leaving sunshine and rainbows behind. Some storms beat upon us and never seem to cease.  Either way, we can look for silver linings and learn to find the light, even when the skies seem dark.

And, when it's hard to dance, just remember that these challenging times in life are making us stronger and more able to withstand future storms.  

 

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain, 

 
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil, 

 
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength. 

 
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both. 

 

 

 And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

 

 

 

Tuesdays with Melodee

I've officially been a breast cancer survivor for almost a month now.   What a blessing, a relief, and a feeling of overcoming!  I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but sometime between finishing that last chemo and receiving the all-clear diagnosis, I started to feel more like myself.  I truly believe that I'll be forever changed in someways, but it feels great to be able to shed that breast cancer skin.  Maybe it had to do with feeling like I was holding my breath and just trying to keep it all together until I was finally done.  Maybe it had to do with finishing all the reconstruction and finally getting the tattoos that sealed the deal.  Maybe it was just allowing myself to feel like I could be "normal" again.  Whatever the reasons, I'm glad to be back.  I never fully left, I guess, but having to live everyday in battle-mode, fighting the pain, the sickness, the disease, and the fear of the unknown takes its toll.

To celebrate, my sister threw me an amazing B.T.H.O. cancer party.  I'm still working on getting all the pictures together, but here's a little sneak peak.   

On of my favorite quotes surrounding this battle was a mini-theme for the party: "She is the perfect combination of princess and warrior."

Princess 

Warrior

 I'm quite certain breast cancer will not be my life's only battle to fight, for there is much more for me to learn.  I hope to remember to face future "Goliaths" with the same warrior/princess attitude. 
 

 

 

One last thought for today.  

The week after my cancer-free day, we ate some Chinese food, and this was my fortune:

 Happier days are definitely ahead!  

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Results

Well, people.  It's official.  I'M CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I got my final results in, and all of my blood work is completely normal.  It was so nice to hear such amazing words from Dr. Naqvi this morning.  All of the pain, suffering, time, and sacrifice has paid off.  I am officially a survivor!

As is fitting for my life, the appointment didn't go quite as planned.  I expected this appointment to be no big deal.  I knew everyone was quite confident about the results, so I assumed I would show up, walk in, get my results,  and walk out.  Because of that assumption, I didn't bother with trying to find someone to watch Evan.  THE ONE TIME I take him with me, you can imagine what happened.  EVERYONE ELSE also decided to have an appointment today!!!!  I waited for an hour and 40 minutes to see the doctor for 5!!!  WITH A TWO-YEAR-OLD!!!!  But, Evan was very good.  I had plenty to keep him entertained for a hour, and then we walked all over the halls until my name was called.  I got many, MANY compliments on his behavior, so---we fooled 'em all, Evan!  And then I did get my results and walk out happy!  Plus, I got to have someone from my family there to celebrate the moment I heard the good news.

Now what?  For the next 2 years, I will go back for blood work and check-ups every 3 months.  After that, I graduate to once every 6 months.  Eventually, it will be just once a year.  Although there is some concern that cancer could return, mostly because of my type and my age, I feel confident in knowing that I will be closely monitored for the rest of my life and even if something does come back, most likely we should catch it quickly.

   
 Dr. Naqvi's only real concern for me now is to lose weight.  The Tamoxifen I take---and will continue to take for at least 10 years---blocks Estrogen, thus making my metabolism basically nothing.  So, not only have I been taking steroids for a year, now I'm on a drug that suppresses my metabolism.  No wonder I feel like I'm going nowhere!  Here's the *great* news on what I have to do:  fruits, vegetables.  No fat.  No sugar.  Get sugar from fruit and maybe honey.  No cheese.  No fried foods.  No pizza.  1,000 calories a day.  Just when I was really starting to like everything Dr. Naqvi was saying about me beating cancer and being officially cancer-free and stuff, she has to go an say something like "no cheese," and totally blow it.  I guess I will just have to work that much harder since my body is working against me.  But, I can do it.  I'm a survivor!

 
  As for now, I am looking forward to feeling more "normal," or more like my normal self.  I feel blessed and grateful for all the love, support, and service that helped me survive this journey.  I will always be on the defensive against cancer.  I will have to take some sort of drug for the rest of my life to help block my receptors and try to prevent this disease from attacking me again.  I have fought a good fight and will continue to guard against a return.  It feels good to survive the war!
 

Portless

I had my port removed yesterday, and there is something so freeing about that!  Part of me wonders if we pulled it out a little prematurely, as I haven't yet received my final labs and complete cancer-free clearance, but I guess Dr. Naqvi is so confident that everything will come back clear that she gave the go ahead to take the darn thing out. 

After the full-on surgery it took to put the port it, it's amazing how non-serious the removal was.  I simply went into Dr. Pollack's office, changed into a gown, and got up on the table.  In came Dr. P and her nurse, and we were ready to go. 

The worst part was at first, when they shot up the area with a big needle full of lidocaine.  I stung and burned a little, but nothing terrible.  I was under the impression that I would have to wait a bit for the drug to take effect--maybe because I have to wait for the lidocaine cream I used before chemo to work for an hour.  I guess that just shows the difference in potency.  There was no wait time.  Dr. P turned around to put down the needle and came back with a scalpel.

It was such a strange experience, lying there and watching the whole procedure.  I couldn't feel any pain, but could feel pressure and tugging.  I could see a little blood every now and then and just tried to stay completely still.  At first, Dr. P had to search a little for the port.  The nurse joked about how, "well, we know it's in there!"  Once it was located, she began to remove it.  She pulled and pulled, and finally the nurse said, "It's out!"  {I kept thinking of so many references to some kind of alien creature busting out of my body.}  

After a little pressure and blood stoppage, Dr. P stitched me up, and I was ready to go.  Months and months of this contraption under my skin and 20 minutes to get it out.  {I've had teeth removed that took longer.}  I'm free!

Dr. Pollack was the first specialist I saw on the day I found out about my diagnosis.  I've come a long way since that day!  

 

Inked

I can cross "getting a tattoo" off my bucket list. Today, I got two of them, but they will never be seen by most people. I'm now a person with hidden tats!

The final step of my breast reconstruction involved the tattooing of the areola around my constructed nipples. Even though I don't have much sensation in that area anymore, I was instructed to use numbing cream before the procedure.  Once I got to the office, they measured and marked me up. Then came the process of mixing a color. We wanted to get just the right balance of brown and pink, using my natural coloring before surgery as a guide. After the color was right, it was time to ink away. My skin is pretty sensitive, which means it took the color well, but also bled quite a bit.  Because of that, the nurse wasn't able to do one final pass over the left side.  I might have to go back for touch-ups if I'm not happy after the saturation fades. 

What a journey it has been to complete this surgery!  They asked me today about my overall experience, and I know I made the right decision to go with Dr. Boutros. I have been so happy with the results. However, I was in no way prepared for the severity of the surgery. I was not sufficiently humbled about the recovery, the pain, my inability to function for a significant length of time, the emotional roller coaster accompanied with that recovery, the costs, and the overall length of time required. I would not choose a different path, but I wish I had understood a little more about what to expect. 

So many of the steps of this process are all coming to an end. There has been so much waiting and trudging along and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I've finished chemo. I'm through with surgery. My breasts are totally reconstructed. I get my port out next week. I'll do labs on the 20th and have my official date of freedom on the 27th. It's really happening, and I don't even feel like I'm jinxing it by talking about it. 

Because I'm that confident, bold, and daring.  I've got tattoos, remember?

All ready for tattoos---there's the machine behind me. 

Katie did a great job!  

Hooray for easy procedures!

Tuesdays with{out} Naqvi

 A whole week has gone by since I finished my last chemo!

I kept meaning to post these pictures of my cancer team, but the week has been BEYOND crazy.

Here are some of the people who helped me on my way to being a cancer SURVIVOR!!!

Dr. Naqvi:

Jane and Lily.  Jane was at the practice when I started last year, left for a few months, and now is back.  It's like the circle of life.

There have been 2 other nurses who helped in my treatment process, but these 2 have been there from the beginning and saw me to the end!!

What a great feeling it is to be done!!!!