Tuesdays With Naqvi

I am officially 6 months CANCER FREE!!!!!  My body is continuing to btho cancer, and I appreciate all the happy thoughts and prayers on my behalf.  There is so much strength in positivity and in a collective faith.  Thank you, thank you, pink warriors! 

Dr. Naqvi said my results look great, and all of my numbers are outstanding.  I'm just still too fat.  I've lost 7 lbs. in 3 months, but she wanted me to lose 20.  I guess it's on to 1,000 calories a day.  But, maybe we'll just wait until 2015.  I don't have to see her for another 3 months!!!

Tuesdays at Labcorp

I try not to let my thoughts dwell on the C-word.  In fact, I would be happy to completely forget all about it--stop taking my meds, stop worrying about the future,  and stop going to oncologists or breast surgeons.  Oh, the time it would free!  However, I know I must stay vigilant in my fight to conquer this cancer and do all I can to keep it from returning. 

It's that time, again---time for blood work to be drawn and sent away for testing.  Every 3 months I have a check to make sure my body is still cancer-free.  Even though I do not live in constant fear that it will return, there is always some trepidation during this week's time of testing to results.  If you feel so inclined, I ask for your thoughts and prayers for clear results next week.  I will meet with Dr. Naqvi next Tuesday morning, and will hopefully have a Christmas miracle for which to be thankful.

Much love!   

Happy Pinktober

I've always loved pink.  B.C. {before cancer}, pink was just one of my favorite colors; now it is a reminder of strength and survival.  Pink also serves as an incentive to spread awareness and to prompt women everywhere to take care of themselves.   

Get ready for it, because pink is coming.  All that breast cancer awareness stuff is about to hit you right in the face from every store and every department.....even from the toilet paper aisle.  Some might say companies take advantage of the popularity of Pink, selling products without really donating much to the cause.  As a breast cancer survivor, I am not offended by the sight of pink ribbons anywhere.  If one woman sees pink on a package of dog food and decides to schedule a mammogram, which could detect early breast cancer, that packaging did its job.  If one penny from each sale is all that goes to funding research, it's a penny more than was there before.  Pink is about awareness and encouraging people to schedule routine well-checks.

I was only 33 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a much earlier age than the beginning of recommended routine mammograms.  And, admittedly, I was not great at performing monthly self breast exams.  If Stephen had not felt the lump and encouraged me to seek further medical attention, I might not be here today.  He truly saved my life.  

Don't ever feel like you are too young, don't need to be concerned because you have no family history, so you don't need breast exams.  You do!!!  Whether you are inspired by a pink ribbon on a can of pumpkin puree or simply remember my story of survival---whatever your reason---schedule your yearly well-check or mammogram sometime this month if you are not current and remember to do your monthly self {or with help} exams.    

Tuesdays with Melodee--Survivor Playlist

I love music.  This love isn't necessarily exhibited in the ways I'm sure my mother dreamed it would be when she named me Melodee, though.  Instead of piano performances and solos on stage, I'm more likely to plug in my iTunes, turn the volume way up, and jam while doing housework.  I sing, but in the front seat or the shower.

Music has been a great source of comfort over the years.  From my years of teenage angst, locking myself in my room with Counting Crows on repeat after a hard day of school, to working in the classroom with students who responded more to music than mathsheets, to hours upon hours of sitting in the chemo chair, music has an important place in my heart.

While I was in treatment, songs I'd heard before found new meaning.  New songs struck new chords because of my new experiences.  Music helped buoy me through the difficult times.  Music was a release, a refuge, and a respite from the hurt, heartache, and hard days.  Instead of watching TV during the lengthy days at chemo, I chose to listen to uplifting words or inspirational music to pass the time and give me strength and determination to overcome.

I began to create a Survivor Playlist of songs that motivated me to fight and inspired me to look on the bright side, and I'm sharing it because one of these songs might help someone else when they need a little lifting up.  

Here's my list so far {and if you have more songs to add, please share!!!}:


Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)--Green Day
It's My Life--No Doubt
Time Like These--Foo Fighters
It's My Life--Bon Jovi
New Attitude--Patti LaBelle
Hit Me With Your Best Shot--Pat Benatar
Feelin' Stronger Every Day--Chicago
You Gotta Be--Des'ree
Celebrate Good Times--Funktown America
Survivor--Destiny's Child
It's Not My Time--3 Doors Down
Stronger--Kelly Clarkson
Move Along--The All-American Rejects
For Reasons Unknown--The Killers
Fighter--Christina Aguilera
Fix You--Coldplay
Beat It--Michael Jackson
Don't Stop the Music--Rihanna
Titanium--David Guetta (Feat. Sia)
Bulletproof--La Roux
Brave--Sara Bareilles
Beautiful Day--U2
Walking on Sunshine--Katrina & the Waves
Happy--Pharell Williams
Dream On--Depeche Mode
Alive--Pearl Jam
Ain't No Mountain High Enough--Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
The Climb--Miley Cyrus
We Will Rock You--Queen
Try--Pink
Smile Like You Mean It--The Killers
I Run for Life--Melissa Etheridge
Radioactive--Imagine Dragons
Don't Stop Believin'--Journey
Eye of the Tiger--Survivor
I Will Survive--Gloria Gaynor
Sometimes you Can't Make it on Your Own--U2
Never Let Me Down Again--Depeche Mode
Celebrity Skin--Hole
Miss Atomic Bomb--The Killers
1999-Prince
Diamonds--Rihanna
Free Fallin-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
My Name is Jonas--Weezer
Any Way You Want It--Journey
Overcomer--Mandisa
Desire--U2
Follow Me--Muse
Get On Your Boots--U2
Giving Up the Gun--Vampire Weekend
Here Comes the Sun--Beatles
Learn to Fly--Foo Fighters
Let It Be--Beatles
A Little's Enough--Angels & Airwaves
Meet Me Halfway--The Black Eyed Peas
Mr. Brightside--The Killers
Pumped Up Kicks--Foster the People
Set Fire to the Rain--Adele
Shine--Collective Soul
Wonderful Life--Gwen Stefani


I continue to add to this list all the time, for even though I am officially a Breast Cancer Survivor, there is always another mountain to climb, another stumbling block in the way, and another trial to overcome.   If music helps the hard times seem a little easier, that's just one of the many weapons we can us to conquer whatever challenges my come our way.  

   

Tuesdays with Naqvi--3 Month Check-up

It's been 3 months since I was officially cancer-free, and that means it's time for lab work and a cancer screening.  I must admit I've had a little anxiety about this first one.  Did they really get it all?  Am I still going to be clear?  Will I be the girl who cried "cancer-free," only to be saying, "never mind" only a few months later?

Thankfully, I am still cancer free!!!!  Dr. N said that all my numbers look "amazing."  Everything is up from where it was 3 months ago!  She wants me to start taking a Vitamin D supplement, since that's still not up to where she would like it to be.  Other than that, my results look great.  What a relief to have that over with.

Dr. Naqvi asked how everything else is going,  including taking Tamoxifen.  "Hot flashes?"  {Yes.}  "Your cycle is all over the place?" {Yes.}  "That happens.  You need to lose weight."  {I've been trying.  Gave up sodas.  Have been working out 6 days a week and trying to eat better.}  "You need to lose 15-20 pounds."  {Last time you said it was 10-15, and I've lost 5!}  "I think you've gained, so you need to lose more."  {We'll see in 3 months.}  I like that she's direct, but it would be nice to get credit for working so hard and getting nowhere!  At least everyone noticed my change of hair color and that it's growing back! 


I also had my yearly "skin exam" today.  I no longer have "breast exams," since my breast are now only skin deep.  I will have an exam of my remaining 2% breast and the skin that was left each year, to keep on top of things from that side, too.  Dr. P said they look great and she has no concerns!

I'm thankful for good news on this Tuesday.  Now I don't need to worry about things for another 3 months!

Throwback Thursday--One Year Old

Happy birthday to my girls!  The twins are officially one year old today, and I'm still adjusting to this major change to my life and body.

Exactly one year ago I checked in for a bilateral mastectomy and breast reconstruction,  just hoping this was the best option for keeping me cancer-free.  Removing both of my breasts, which would eliminate about 98% of the tissue that held my tumor and could possibly lead to more cancer in my future, was radical, but I felt like there really was no other decision.  Lumpectomy + radiation for my tumor size would remove and destroy a large amount of tissue and would require plastic surgery, anyway.  A unilateral mastectomy left too high of a risk of recurrence.  All my options kept coming back around.  If I was going to need more treatments and additional surgery, anyway, I might as well take care of everything, all at once.  So, in I went, and off they came.       

One year later, I'm healed, physically, but I bear some major battle scars.  Let's start with the positive:  The breasts actually do look pretty good.
 

{The scars here have healed amazingly.  If only they looked this good everywhere! You can only see the work from my 2nd reconstructive surgery, plus the scars from the drains.}

There are some negatives: First, my tattoos are distinctly uneven.  The abdominal scar is still quite severe, and the chasm where the remaining fat and tissue was reconnected is quite noticeable, since I didn't have any additional sculpting work done. 

 {One year after surgery: My least favorite reminder.  It's MUCH better than it was a year ago, though.}

 {Before: One week after surgery.}

I do not have much sensation--neither in my breasts nor around my abdominal scar--other than when I still feel some tingling or a few deeper aches and pains.  There is definitely no getting around the fact that I have had some major surgeries.  The scars scream their story.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm much better.  Removing the port, completing chemo, and hearing a cancer-free diagnosis  happened in about a month's time frame and, miraculously, all helped to lift the fog.  Even when trying to remain strong and positive through the battle, there are countless mental and emotional burdens--along with the physical ones--when trudging through the unknown and darkness of a trial, which is possibly best described as being "heavy laden."  Once that final load had been lifted and the darkest parts were over, I began to feel so much more like myself again!  {Having hair that looks more like an intentional cut rather than growing out from baldness and having enough that it can actually be styled in more than 2 ways is liberating, as well.}  I knew exactly what it meant to be given "rest."  As our Savior puts it: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." {Matthew 11:28}  When we do all that we can do, there comes a point where Jesus takes over, and we can rest from trying to carry those heavy burdens alone. I still have my moments of sadness at the loss.  I see the scars in the mirror every day and sometimes feel grotesque.  It's frustrating to have a body that doesn't work and move like it used to and be on medications that cause weight gain and other side effects.  There is a balance to be found between sadness for what is no longer and gratitude to be here at all.          

In thinking about this 1st anniversary of my new body, I still wonder why this all had to happen.  I probably won't know all of the answers to this question in this life, but as time goes on, I see more and more how this trial has been able to strengthen me and has blessed my life and the lives of those around me.  Even though many emotional and physical scars from my breast cancer story remain, I feel great peace.   This peace can only come by having faith and hope that God is in charge.  Cancer is an interesting thing.  There is no guarantee that I will stay in remission for the rest of my life.  My behaviors cannot buy that kind of insurance, neither can my doctors offer it.  Only God knows, as The American Cancer Society all but admits: "Even with our current understanding of how cancer develops and grows, this disease is mostly a mystery and not within human control." Being afraid of recurrence does no good, either.  Allowing myself to slip into fear would go against everything faith and hope stand for.  Jesus has promised us peace, which drowns out fear.  "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  {John 14:27}  Peace drowns out fear, and we have all been promised peace, if we will but seek it.  Quentin L. Cook has said, "Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies.”  Strengthening my faith and doing my best to come unto Christ was what helped me throughout my cancer journey.  That faith and hope help me to journey on. 

In answering the question of how I feel now, one year after this radical and body-altering decision:  I feel peace. 

Two Months Free--And Trying to Be Like Jesus

 Two months ago today I heard those wonderful results: "You're Cancer Free!"  

So much has happened since then.  We've moved.  I'm no longer blonde.  Well, those are the major things.   

One of my goals during my treatment was "to not shrink," to actually come out of the process stronger, {hopefully} wiser, with a stronger faith and better attitude of thanksgiving for my Savior and for all the tender mercies and silver linings that exist, even in the darkest hours.  I wanted to make a point to make something of my journey, to fight and survive, to enjoy life, even when it, at times, frankly sucked.  

It's fitting that I saw this quote this morning from a breast cancer site I follow:

Believe me---I know it is hard to enjoy life every day and during every trial.  That's why she calls it "the trick."  None of us enjoy being in the storms if life or feeling the heat from the refiner's fire.  However, even during the most challenging moments of life, we have much for which to be grateful.  We can enjoy so much of life, even while only holding onto hope that better days are ahead.  We have to keep living.  Only in pressing forward will we grow and will our burdens be lightened.  

I made a goal of studying more about Christ and trying to become more Christlike.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I was asked to speak in church 3 times in the last 18 months, and all 3 subjects related to our Savior.  What a blessing it has been for me to share my testimony.  I share it here today, as I celebrate 2 months of freedom from cancer.

One of my favorite primary songs begins:
"I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways."

Even as children, we begin to learn that we should turn to Jesus for an example and that two of the most important verbs in that experience are “trying” and “following.”   Jesus has shown us the way and has commanded us to follow and to try to become like him. 

In 3Ne 27: 27  our Savior asks, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.”

We have this commandment to be like the Savior, but what kind of man is he?  A good place to start this study is the scriptures, which are full of examples of attributes of Christ. 

Alma 7:23-24 as alma is bearing his testimony to the people of Giddeon:

 And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.
 And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

2 Peter 1:4-8

Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature,
 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
  And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
  And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

Article of Faith # 13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
 

I don’t think it is a coincidence that many of these values and attributes can be found in mottos and themes with which we are probably familiar. 

You might recognize:
The Relief Society Theme, “Charity Never Faileth,”

Or, from the Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, and reverent.
 

The Young Women motto and theme have a similar feel: Stand for Truth and Righteousness and
strive to live the Young Women values, which are:
Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue
 

The Faith in God Award, as well as My Gospel Standards, for primary children, repeat many of these attributes.  Christ like behavior is found all throughout the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet, church magazines, and the topics of gospel lessons, conference talks.  These reminders to Follow in the ways of Jesus and try to be like Him are all around us.
 

The Prophet Ezra Taft Benson summed up Christlike attributes by quoting

D&C 4: 6
6 Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
About this section of scripture, The prophet
“These are the virtues we are to emulate. This is the Christlike character.”
 

Our Savior is perfect, complete., and He expects us to become perfect, too. 
 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” [Matthew 5:48.]
 

Joseph Fielding Smith said:

… I believe the Lord meant just what He said, that we should be perfect, as our Father in heaven is perfect. That will not come all at once, but line upon line and precept upon precept, example upon example, and even then not as long as we live in this mortal life, for we will have to go even beyond the grave before we reach that perfection and shall be like God.
But here we lay the foundation. Here is where we are taught these simple truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in this probationary state, to prepare us for that perfection. It is my duty, it is yours, to be better today than I was yesterday, and for you to be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow than you were today. Why? Because we are on that road, if we are keeping the commandments of the Lord, we are on that road to perfection, and that can only come through obedience and the desire in our hearts to overcome the world. …

Sometimes it may feel overwhelming, this commandment to be perfect, to be like our Savior at all times, and in all things, and in all places.  Being perfected is a life-long process.  In order to succeed and begin to develop Christ like Attributes, I suggest a 3-step process—first, start where you are, do not compare yourself to others, and rely on the Savior. 
 

1)Start where you are.  Each of us has been given unique talents and spiritual gifts.  We are all born with the Light of Christ.  We all have a place to start.
D&C 46: 11-12

11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
 12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

Bruce R. McKonkie said, “spirtitual gifts are endless in number and infinite in variety.” 
 

The scriptures list many specific gifts, attributes of the Savior, that each one of us has been given as a starting place, something that is more easily developed within us.  As we read through these lists, we should identify our talents and discover places to start to emulate the Savior. 
 

Elder Marvin J. Ashton and Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve listed other spiritual gifts.  See if you recognize yourself as being blessed with these:
asking
listening
hearing and using a still, small voice
being able to weep
avoiding contention
being agreeable       

avoiding vain repetition
seeking that which is righteous         

not passing judgment
looking to God for guidance
being a disciple                 

caring for others
being able to ponder
offering prayer                 

bearing a mighty testimony
receiving the Holy Ghost
being able to calm             

being able to be calm
being able to care             

being able to study
 

This list could go on and on.  We all have been given spiritual gifts so there is an easy place to begin our journey of following Jesus and Trying to be like him. 

Once we identify some of our spiritual gifts and have a place to start, we may have to start where we are every single day until we overcome a challenge or practice a new attribute.  I have to wake up every morning and try my hardest to not lose patience with my children.  Every day I start where I am.  This is ok, for our Heavenly Father understands that we will make mistakes.  We can repent.  We can start fresh.  We can renew covenants weekly by taking the sacrament.  It's okay to take baby steps in the journey of following Jesus.  
Lorenzo Snow reminds us to start where we are.  “Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today. The temptations that perhaps partially overcome us today, let them not overcome us so far tomorrow. Thus continue to be a little better day by day;
Elder Bednar has repeated this thought: “If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that's enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that's enough.”
Just Start where you are. 

2) Do not compare yourself to others—neither in an attempt to make yourself feel better about where you are nor worse. 
Just like we all have to start where we are, everyone else is doing the same and no one else has the same starting point.  Nothing good can come of comparing our journey to that of one of our brothers or sisters. 
Merrill J. Christensen gave a talk in 2007 on Comparing, Competing, and Individual Worth.  He said: 

Comparison of our weaknesses with others’ talents or of our talents with those who are truly gifted can be discouraging and may decrease our sense of self-worth. Such comparison may lead to the sins of envy and ingratitude as we focus on and fret about what we don’t have rather than on what we have been given.

Ezra Taft Benson spoke on Pride and discussed how comparing and competing with others to make yourself feel better about where you are often leads to mediocrity.   

Only compare yourself today to the person you were yesterday or with the Savior and keep trying to become more like Him.  
Not one person’s story is just like ours, not their strengths, nor weaknesses; not their triumphs, nor trials.  We have made a covenant to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  We must learn to comfort and mourn with others without comparing or competing, for without the Savior, none of us will ever have the hope of becoming perfect.  

 Brother Christensen continued, “In the last chapter of the Gospel of John, we read of Jesus’ charge to Peter as the two walked along the seashore:
Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following. . . . Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me. [John 21:20–22]
The message to Peter and to us is clear: “Don’t concern yourself with others’ assignments or performance. You worry about what I’ve asked you to do.”

Comparing our journey to others’ will only distract us from pressing forward and following in Jesus’ ways. 
 

3) Rely on the Savior
It was the Savior himself who said,  “come, follow me.”  This commandment was given to his disciples, to the rich young man, and to us.
John 10: 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
 

Our Savior has promised us that He will never leave us alone, that we may always have his spirit to be with us, and  that when we follow him and rely on Him, he will ease our burdens.  

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light. 

Because the Savior has already led the way, and because the Atonement allows us to repent and change for the better, we have the hope of becoming perfect through the grace of the Savior.  It is only when we rely on Him that we will begin to change.  
If we don’t know where else to turn, we can rely on the Savior through prayer.  

Moroni 7:48 

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

In this scripture, we are promised that praying unto the Father "with all the energy of heart" and continuing on in a path that follows in the Savior's ways will eventually lead us to becoming like Him.  Relying on the Savior, taking His yoke upon us, following in His ways, using the Atonement---it's the only way we can hope to become more perfect.  

President Lorenzo Snow,

Our hearts should be set on things above; to strive after that perfection which was in Christ Jesus, who was perfectly obedient in all things unto the Father, and so obtained His great exaltation and became a pattern unto His brethren. Why should we fret and worry over these temporal things when our destiny is so grand and glorious? If we will cleave unto the Lord, keep His commandments, pattern after His perfections and reach out unto the eternal realities of His heavenly kingdom, all will be well with us and we shall triumph and obtain the victory in the end.

Our greatest hope of becoming like our Savior is by coming unto Him.  We are commanded to do so, but are offered the promise that by doing so, we will be perfected in Him.  
Moroni 10:32  

Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

The Savior is our perfect example.  All good things are characteristics of Him.  We have been commanded to be like the Savior and to become perfect ourselves, but this task is one on which we can never give up. 
If everyday we start where we are.  Avoid comparing ourselves to others, and rely on the Savior, we will become more complete and more perfect day by day.   

As Gordon B. Hinckley so beautifully admonished us.  Simply "Try a little harder to be a little better."