Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #33

It's harder and harder to come here each week, to find someone to watch the boys, to make all of the preparations that are invovled, to get everyone where they need to be, to know I'm going to be exhausted, and to try to get everything done on the Mondays before chemo so things that need to be done for the following few days are still done, even when I don't feel like doing it.  And I still have so many more weeks to go!  Some days I feel like just skipping it.  Do I REALLY need to keep coming, especially since I've had both breasts removed?  Will it REALLY make that much of a difference?  I have this conversation over and over with myself.  And I usually end up at the point of.....if cancer DID come back and I hadn't done everything I could possibly do to prevent it, I would have no one to blame but myself.  So, I keep on coming.  

It seems like everything I'm on {the case with many drugs} has some sort of side effect, complicating the treatment process.  My current chemo has the not-so-thrilling side effect of possible cardiomyopathy.  I have en echocardiogram every 3 months to monitor my heart, and if I start to develop signs of the disease, I have to postpone chemo for at least 3 months.  The thought of this gives me heart palpitations because this possibility would just lengthen an already distant finish line.  And, knowing my luck, this would be something that would add to the *fun* and *excitement* and teach me *so much* about patience and humility.  Thankfully, my results have been positive so far.  {I just received the good news that my latest echo came back fine!} My prayers are that this wrinkle in the time frame won't appear.  

The estrogen-blocking drug I take also has side effects.  So far, thankfully, nothing too crazy has affected me.  There's changes to my menstral cycle and possible early menopause.  I also have to take aspirin to prevent blood clots.  None of this is terribly vexing.  The most visible concern is what's going on with my emotions.  I seem to be all over the place, emotionally.  I'm almost always on the verge of tears these days.  Reading Christmas stories with my boys, making comments to the Young Women at chruch, hearing touching stories on the radio, even watching movies that should NOT elicits tears have all started the water works going.  {I mean, I was watching the end of CLICK, of all movies, waiting for a show to come on.  CLICK---Adam Sandler!!  And BAWLING!!!  WHAT IS THE DEAL?!?}

In the spirit of seeing silver linings, I'm hoping that this new emotional sensitivity is helping me be more in tune, helping me focus on the importance of the little things, and adding to my gratitude for all of my blessings.  One example: The Baby is sick.  Nothing crazy, just a cough and runny nose.  A few days ago, I woke up around 4:30 because he was in bed with us, cuddled up to me.  He had climbed out of his crib, made his way downstairs and into our room in the dark, climbed up into bed, and snuggled in next to me.  Letting children sleep in our bed is something we don't do, but he was so still and so quiet, and I knew he wasn't feeling well, and he's The Baby, so I let him stay for about an hour until he started moving around and making noise.  Is it possible to be thankful for sick children, when it's something not so serious?  Part of me has enjoyed the excuse to slow down, snuggle, and be needed.  {My oldest and my baby are not natural cuddlers, but they are when they're sick.  And it's nice to be needed and loved, and if I only get that show of affection when they're not feeling well, maybe that's the silver lining.}  Having him be sick and need to just be held has forced me to slow down, too.  I will never have these moments again, and I want to take them all in.  Sometimes the laundry and the dishes can wait--we need to drink hot chocolate and snuggle under blankets and watch Mickey.  I have such a short time to be the mother of little children, and other things can wait.  I never want to forget how each of my children are as they grow.  

Maybe as we all experience trials---on a small or large scale---we turn more to our Father in Heaven.  Maybe that's a small part of why He allows us to experience difficulties, pains, and sadness, so there will be reasons for us to slow down and realize how much we need Him.  Some of us just might not be natural "cuddlers" and might need a little challenge in order to become more meek, humble, and submissive.   Some of us are so used to doing things "mineself" that we need to be taught and compelled to rely on others.  And by "some of us" I mean "me," as I realize that this journey is not just about beating cancer--it's about going through a refiner's fire and coming out stronger.  And if part of my experience is learning to be more sensitive, more patient, and more humble, I've still got a long way to go.