So Long, 2015

2015 was not my favorite.  

It seems at the end of each year when I reflect on the previous 364 days, I can always find good and bad.  Some years, the good outweighs the bad.  In years like this, I am just ready to put it behind me and start fresh.  

I read a quote the other day about that half empty/half full glass and our outlook on it.  It said something like:

"Whether you think the glass is half empty or half full, you're missing the point.  The glass is refillable."  

 A new year gives us opportunities to refill our glasses.  We can assess our lives and make goals to improve.  We can start over----start fresh---change.  We can refill the glasses with what is important and see each day as an opportunity to do something to make our lives better.  When the glass is less than full, refill it!  

HOW?!?  

How can this be possible when what drains the glass is beyond our control?  How can I be full of good energy when bad things keep getting dumped my way?  How can I remember not to get down when my glass always seems to be less than full?  

There is only one answer:  Faith that someday all things will be made right, that every glass will be filled.  Our hope in that truth can help us refill the glass each day, even when the outlook is bleak.  We can be like the wise virgins and strive to always be filling our vessels, even if one drop at a time.  (see Matthew 25).   I have learned to not worry that my glass never seems to be completely full, for I am constantly being buoyed up---by recognizing blessings,  through the power of prayer, and with my faith in Christ.  

To close up the year of Sunday School, we opened a time capsule: answers we had written to our future selves, answering the question: "What think ye of Christ."  On Jaunary 4, 2015, I wrote this:

"I know our Savior knows each of us personally.  He is our advocate with the Father.  If we will yoke our lives with His, we will have the strength to make it through any trial."       

How interesting that this was my testimony early in the year---BEFORE the terrible news that cancer had returned sought to drain my glass.  I already had that foundation to understand that faith in Christ gives us strength to endure.  This faith also helps us refill our glasses because Jesus Christ is that living water that never runs dry.  This faith will not only fill our glasses in this life, but will "spring up into everlasting life."  (see John 4: 10, 14).  

For those still feeling like their glass is never full, that there are never enough blessings to outweigh the challenges, remember the source of living water--Jesus Christ.  Remember that there is more than just a glass to be filled.  Someday, we will see the fountains of living water, such that we will never thirst.  We will not have to worry about an empty or full glass because the fountains will never run dry, and all the tears will be wiped from our eyes.  (See Revelation 7:17).  Someday, it won't matter how empty or full our glasses were in 2015, but that we sought to never let them completely run dry, with help from the Living Water. 

 

RADIOACTIVE!!! (The After PET Scan)

Natassia had a PET Scan today.  This scan will hopefully show no evidence of disease. 



I was able to have my port accessed by my lovely nurses at the Cancer Clinic prior to checking in for the PET scan this time.  Even though we had to use 2 different needles and stick me 3 times, it was still MUCH better than an IV.  I was sent off to the PET scan with a bag of flushes and ready to become radioactive.  After the injection, I waited 45 minutes for full potency, emptied my bladder, and went in for the 20 minutes of scans. 

There were the familiar warnings: your heart and bladder are the most radioactive for the next two hours, so stay away from young children, and especially don't hug them, hold them, or let them sit in your lap.  {Basically, what you're telling me is I have 2 hours to myself????? SWEET!}  Lunch, errands---oil change and post office---with no children?  Practically a vacation. 

Now we wait.  I'm hoping for the best and preparing for anything less.  As Kyle predicted: "I bet it will be mostly gone, but not completely."  We shall see......

After the Last Round

"Better out than in, I always say."

                      ----Shrek

This has been the theme of the last few weeks, as my body attempts to rid itself of that last round of chemo.  I finally experienced the "extreme diarrhea" I was warned about in the beginning.  It kept me in bed for an entire day and then came back with a vengeance for round two.  

If the poison wasn't trying to escape through my digestive system, it was popping out all over through my skin.  New little friends showed up each day in the usual places---my arms, legs, and entire torso: 

Up until now, I've been able to keep these covered because they were all in locations under clothes, but it finally made its way to my face this round.  Not only am I dealing with feeling sick, losing all my hair, and having no energy, but now I've been able to feel like an acne-prone teenager again!  I'm just hoping that whatever I'm reacting to is going to make its way out and then be gone for good.  

It hasn't always felt better going out than being in this round.  However, it's almost out, and hopefully I'm better.  (We will find out after my scan on Tuesday!)     

                   

Leave it to Fleener----ROUND SIX!!!!!!

Well, chemo.  

We meet again, 

for the second last time, 

until the next time.

  

On the first "last time," there were balloons, and bell-ringing, and the belief that I had "beat the hell outta cancer."  

I didn't beat it well enough.

Fourteen months was not long enough to enjoy this feeling and to feel confident that this "last time" truly is the last "last time" for all time.  However, I have fought another good fight and will celebrate the tender mercies that have come with this battle.  Today I have been celebrating in pink and bringing joy and hope to other cancer patients with my crown, tutu, and glittery heals.  It's a day to rejoice and be glad!

Today's cancer kicks: 

I feel like somewhat of a fake for celebrating my "last chemo."  I have no assurance that I am through.  I have never been given any promises that I will remain in remission.  At no time have doctors allowed me to believe that my disease has a cure.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Once a cancer metastasizes, it becomes stage 4, and stage 4 cancer is like a virus.  You can treat it, let time help you beat it back, but you cannot cure it.  It will return.  Your only hope is to fight it off for as long as possible and wait for it to come back, with the added hope that you will catch it soon enough and that it will not return to somewhere like the brain. My form of stage 4 cancer is aggressive; It will eventually kill me.

There have been many times when I find it difficult to have hope in this battle.  I will most likely die from cancer, but I have no idea how much time I have.  I assume my time is short, but I must press forward no matter how long I have.  I have come to accept this, but it has not diminished my faith.

In fact, a few weeks ago, on a particularly difficult day, this thought came to my mind:

"It is a gift to know that life is short.  Use that knowledge to discover your mission, and live each day as if it were your last.  The Savior knew His mission from the beginning, but He had to wait 30 years to fulfill it.  He used the time between to bless the lives of others.  When you know your purpose and live each day to reach it, that is living, even a day at a time."

I immediately began to see a parallel between what I am experiencing and the earthly mission of our Savior.

At this time of year, we focus on the birth of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.   However, without His atoning sacrifice and resurrection, His birth wouldn't be celebrated.  His birth gave Him earthly life, but His death made eternal life possible for all.  (see Corinthians 15:20-22).

Russell M. Nelson said,

"During His relatively brief sojourn in mortality, the Savior accomplished two overarching objectives. One was His “work and [His] glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). The other He stated simply: “I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done” (John 13:15)." ("The Mission and Ministry of Jesus Christ, Ensign, April 2013).

Christ lived on earth to give us example to follow, that we should live our lives as He has.  (see John 13:15 and John 14:6).  We must discover our own purposes, our own missions in life, and realize that we are all going to one day leave this mortal existence, without knowing how much time we have.  We should learn to live each day as if it were the last, each day setting and reaching goals, each day trying to be more like the Savior and following His example.

Where can we start?  What if we don't know our purpose?

Start here with what each of us has been instructed to do:

• "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).
• "...Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations;" (see D&C 115:5).
• "...press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men."  (see 2 Nephi 31:20).

Every person was born with the light of Christ and has been given gifts and talents, both physical and spiritual.  We are instructed to discover our purposes and gifts use them to bless the lives of others and to let the light of Christ shine forth.  We are expected to press forward in faith, no matter how long or short our time on earth may be.  

For me, it could actually be a blessing to know that my days on earth are numbered because of cancer, but I am not alone.  All of your days are numbered, as well!  This mortal existence was never meant to be the end point.  We were all meant for something more.  We are tested and tried here to see if we will do all that is required and if we will stand on the right hand of God, especially when times are tough.  Will we truly live each day as a light that shine the hope and love of God to all men?

I recently came upon this quote that explains the meaning of life:   

The purpose of life is to discover your gift.

The work of life is to develop it.

The meaning of life is to give your gift away.

(1993, Finding Your Strength in Difficult Times: A Book of Meditations by David S. Viscott, Life, Quote Page 87, Contemporary Books of Chicago, Illinois.)
 
Discover your gifts!  I was told once that my purpose in life is to "touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind."   By discovering my talents, I began to understand this purpose.  I am a teacher by profession, but that is not the only time in my life when I have been given a platform to touch hearts and build hopes.  It has taken time and work to develop those gifts, but as I have given them away by reaching out to others, I have discovered the real meaning in life, no matter how short my time on this earth might be.

As difficult as it was for the Savior to suffer and die for us (see Mark 14:34; D&C 19:18), He fulfilled His mission.  He did not shrink, and He did not simply wait around to die.  He was the only one of all of us to know the exact day when his death would occur, as He explained to His disciples during the Last Supper. (see Matthew 26 and Luke 22).  I don't know exactly when He learned the timing, but as He knew his mission from an early age, it would seem he was aware of the timing of His death sooner than the night before.  Like me, He knew that his life on this earth would be cut short, He did not weep and mourn for His bad luck.  He did not complain or live in darkness.  In fact, He lived as the light of the world and spent His time giving each of us a perfect example to follow and hope that our own trials might be overcome.  Our Savior died to “[gain] the victory over the grave” (Morm. 7:5). In Him “the sting of death is swallowed up” (Mosiah 16:8). Through Him, we can find “peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (D&C 59:23). Of all people, He had reason to shrink, but he never did.  

As each of us strive to follow His example, to learn our own purpose and mission for this earth, and arise to let our lights shine to others, pressing forward with that hope, we might someday be able to say for ourselves, "to this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth” (John 18:37).  No matter our trials, no matter the amount of time we have, if we learn to..."believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God..." we will "...have life through his name. "(see John 20:31; emphasis added).  Our life on this earth, no matter how short, can be filled with purpose and the hope that come from sharing the light of Christ through our own unique gifts.

Pink Warriors!!!

 

This month I will finish chemo for 2015----no matter what!   I have a feeling this will not be the last chemo in my life, but at least I can say it will be the last round for the year.  

Back on December 1st, we started off the month in the right way--with PINK POWER!!!  So many people who work with Stephen in the OR went pink for us, and how fun it was to see pictures throughout the day.  I'm so grateful to have these people on my team! 

  

 

GO PINK!!! 

Leave it to Fleener--Round 5

"Sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving...." (Psalm 147:7)

Cancer is determined to make an optimist out of me.  It might seem that I don't have much to hope for, especially not this time around.  I have a chronic disease that, at this point in human history, does not have a cure.  As Dr. Fleener told me today, "I expect that your cancer will come back.  I just don't know when and where, but it will come back."  With all odds against me, I have still learned through this process that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  There is always a reason to smile.  There is always hope.  I have learned to look on the bright side of life, to worry less about the little things---and most of this life is "the little things,"---and to have faith for the future.  (In fact, SPOILER ALERT for The Walking Dead fans:  Against all odds, I called it that Glenn was still alive.)  This newfound optimism helps me to be thankful everyday, so it is nice to have an entire holiday to devote to singing praise to the Lord.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for, a few tender mercies in this cancer battle:

I am ALMOST DONE!!!!  It is hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE chemo left in this round!    After that, there will be another PET scan.  Then, I will stay on maintenance for.....well, probably forever.  As long as my heart can take the Herceptin, and as long as I can tolerate Perjeta, and as long as I stay in remission, I'll go every three weeks (or so) to have my infusions.  If (when) cancer decides to come back, there will be other options--one is a fairly new chemotherapy that targets Her2 receptors to block the growth and also to deliver chemo to those cells only, which means less negative side effects.  And, after that, there will probably be some new drug we can incorporate to keep me going.  There is always hope.


I have been mostly healthy this time around.  I haven't been sick up until this past week.  By "sick," I mean cough/cold/infection type of sick.  Last time, it felt like I had a cough for 3 months!!!  I also had very low numbers in my blood work a couple of times, and so far---knock on wood--everything has been fine for me to continue treatments on time.  The other complaint is this rash reaction that is attempting to take over my body, but I'm grateful it hasn't attacked my face.  Being healthy has made fighting much easier.

I still have some hair, especially EYELASHES and EYEBROWS!!!  This seems like a small and silly, vain thing.  However, I love my eyes.  I am grateful to still be able to put on my favorite makeup and have it feel normal.  I am also grateful that I still have some hair on my head.  It is thin and completely gray, but having some is better than none, and that will make the growing out process much easier.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who take care of me and care for me.  There is a lot of happiness and love in this place, which rubs off and makes something awful feel a little more comforting.


Although I have learned much about optimism and faith, there are tough days when it is hard to focus on the positive.  There are days, like this last week, when I think about the hard and start feeling sorry for myself and being scared for my family and how they will make it without me.  I get sad about things we all will miss, on traditions that might be forgotten, and memories that will fade.  Fear creeps in. But, there is still so much to be grateful for!

“From our sorrow we might seek out the sweetness and the good that is often associated with and peculiar to our challenge. We can seek out those memorable moments that are frequently hidden by the pain and agony. We can find peace in extending ourselves to others, using our own experiences to provide hope and comfort. And we can always remember with great solemnity and gratitude Him who suffered most to make it all right for us. And by so doing we can be strengthened to bear our burdens in peace. And then, the ‘works of God’ might be manifest.” (Richard C. Edgley, "For Thy Good," Ensign, May 2002, 66).

Every time I began to feel that fear and despair try to creep in this week, this song of praise kept coming to mind:  

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, …
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(“How Firm a Foundation,” Hymns, no. 85)

The matching scripture Isaiah 41:10 came to mind, as well:  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

This hymn and scripture remind me that I need not fear--not death, not hardships or loss, not anything of this world.  I need not dwell in despair or discouragement.  I need to be optimistic and keep holding onto my faith in Christ, for he will never leave me alone and will strengthen and help me through any trial.  “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid … for the Lord thy God … will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) We need not fear, for we are never alone.  We need simply call upon the Lord--in times of need and in times of thanksgiving--and He will hear and answer.   As the scriptures say, “I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

"[We] need not live in fear (see D&C 6:36). Fear is the opposite of faith....The Lord Himself encouraged, “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come” (D&C 68:6). (Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Ensign, May 2004.)  

In telling us not to fear, we are never promised a life without pain and hardships or reasons that might cause concern, worry, and even fear. “Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all” (Psalm 34:19).  However, we ARE PROMISED peace and that the Lord will "give us aid," help us, and strengthen us.  We need to keep our heads up, and keep our faith focused on the Lord.

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." (James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21).

It is difficult to "be not dismayed" when we think on all of the hardships we might face in this life.  There are terrible, tragic events occurring each day.  Each of us face individual and family struggles and challenges.  We all have need to be strengthened and healed, but that help doesn't always come how we might want it.

“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. …The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul—is available for every affliction in mortality" (Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 5–6).

Sometimes, as in my case, a certain burden might never be removed.  However, I still need not fear.  The Lord has still promised to give me aid.  He strengthens me, both physically and spiritually.  He helps me accomplish the things that need to get done, whether through the service of others or by giving me the strength to do the most important tasks and to let the others go.  He helps me stand and be a witness of his blessings and that he can and will show us miracles to increase our faith and further drive out fear.


Sometimes this earthly life is not fun.  We have tough times and frustrating challenges.  There are times that we might feel afraid and want to give up.  Do not let fear win.  Do not lose faith.  Do not let the challenges and trials the could strengthened your faith overtake your hope.  Continue to call upon the Lord and to praise Him with thanksgiving.  And “To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ‘more excellent ministry’ with a future of ‘better promises.’ He is your ‘high priest of good things to come.’ " (Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," Ensign, Nov. 1999, 36).   I promise there are many good things in this world and much to be thankful for.


My numbers are still good, and I'm praying this trend will continue so I can stay on track to finish this chemo!

Today's cancer kicks:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pink Alliance Luncheon

Back in October, I was invited to the Pink Alliance Luncheon with Joan Lunden as the guest speaker.  What an exciting day!  It got even more exciting when I got called up on stage as the newest person diagnosed with cancer.  {The oldest one was also called up--she's a survivor of over 40 years!!!}

We were each given a little love in the form of original art:  

We listened to Joan speak about her life, her breast cancer journey, and things she might say or do differently had she known more information about cancer before.  What I mostly  got out of her speech was the belief that when an opportunity presents itself, you stay positive and believe you can do anything and then go and find out how to do it.   She also expressed the importance of finding out as much information as you can and then following what is best for your life.  This was a powerfully uplifting lunch. 

Afterwards, we waited in line to meet Joan and have her sign our book.  We are very blessed to have been able to attend. 

Leave it to Fleener--Round 4

After today, I'm 2/3 of the way done with chemo!  It's a happy day, celebrating my positive results of the PET scan by officially meeting with Dr. Fleener and receiving the official paperwork.  After only half of this chemo complete, my results are incredible!  Prayers and positivity are going a long way, and this chemo is literally melting the cancer away.  I feel better on the pain scale, am feeling strong, and am able to eat more, with only occasional difficulty in swallowing!  The only negative is what is probably a chemo-induced rash that looks like terrible acne on both sides of my body.  It started around the area of the bottom of my bra and grew and grew after this last round of chemo.  Some suggested it could be shingles, by Dr. Fleener doesn't think it's that, especially since it's on both sides of my body, not following my nerves, and not painful.  I told her today, "it wouldn't be ME without something crazy happening!"  

We just enjoyed a weekend away with the boys and other family to Great Wolf Lodge.  After vacation, it's straight back to chemo.  I run into 2 vacationers that had the chemo treatment look, and had the chance to talk with one of them.  I asked if she was receiving treatment, and she said, "I'm done!"  I wanted talk more and asked, "What kind of cancer?"  {I'm sure she could obviously tell that I'm also a cancer patient, so I thought she would welcome the camaraderie.}  Shockingly, she responded with a harsh, "I DON'T want to talk about it!!!"  I guess some people just don't have a positive bone in their body.  I don't see how you can survive the trials of this life without staying happy!  I, for one, choose to be thankful and to focus on the positive things in this world.  That will get me further than complaining and seeking out the darkness.  

We all run into difficult times.  There are heartaches, trials, temptations, difficulties, fear, sadness, and great challenges in this life.  This is unavoidable.  How we face these times is what defines who we are.  

Last week, I came across a scripture that spoke to me: 

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."  {Helaman 3:35}

If you read the surrounding verses and know what's been going on prior to this, there has been a long stretch of wars and difficult times for the people.  Then, they have peace and prosperity for many years.  Then, however, the pride of the people begins to seep in, and even people who profess to be members of the church begin to persecute those who are faithful believers.  Instead of giving up and faltering, the people take a more positive route:  

They fast and pray often.  That leads to them becoming stronger and stronger in humility and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.  I love these two descriptions, especially that of becoming STRONGER in humility.  Being humble DOES NOT mean being weak.  You become strong in humility by not boasting in your own strength, but in the Lord's and by allowing Him to take your weak things and make them strong.  In so doing, you become firmer in the faith and continue to fast and pray often, and the cycle continues.  I call this the Humility Cycle.  In direct opposition to the Pride Cycle, the Humility Cycle fills your soul with joy, the joy that comes from yielding your heart unto God.  

This scripture sums up the Gospel to me.  When we accept our Savior and yield our hearts unto God, He purifies and sanctifies our hearts, our souls.  This allows us to become more and more humble, strengthened by the positive changes we see in our lives.  Life is not perfect and care-free, but as we are strengthened by yielding our hearts to Christ and by taking His yoke upon us, we learn that we truly can overcome any trial.  I have not always been a very humble person.  I was strong-willed and stubborn most of my life.  I challenged authority and walked that fine line of being just enough naughty to still get away with it and stay out of trouble.  As I have experienced a change of heart brought on over the years through many trials, I have learned that happiness truly does come from choosing to follow Christ.  It comes from yielding our hearts to His and by walking the path of truth.  It comes by choosing to fast and pray often and to look for the gifts and blessings we receive everyday, those Tender Mercies that help us to become firmer and firmer in our faith.  As we learn to live by faith and become stronger in our humility, allowing our hearts to be changed for good, we become converted to Christ and truly see that we can survive anything life throws our way.  A smile and a positive attitude go a long way in this process, too!  

Only 1/3 of treatments left!!!  Working on kicking cancer to the curb!!!!   

Leave it to Fleener--RESULTS!

I got a call from Dr. Fleener this morning.  She couldn't wait to give me the good news!  

Looking at the results of my PET scan, she told me they are about the best results she good possibly expect in my case!  This scan looks MUCH better than the last.  All of the lymph nodes in my chest that were lighting up before are gone.  Most of the bone areas with cancer before are gone now.  There is still some activity in my spine---in T6&7 and in L2&3 {I may not be exactly right on the numbers, but they are close}--but the metabolic numbers are lower.  {The higher the number, the worse it is.  For example, numbers like 9, 10....20 are bad.  Normal is 2 or lower.} The only new area is ONE lymph node in my neck.  Dr.  Fleener is not too worried about this because 1) It's ONE lymph node and not several.  2)Its metabolic number is 3.3.....or something like that. 3) I've had problems with the radiation and ulcer in that area, so it's more likely that the lymph node is inflamed from that than cancerous.  

These are GREAT results, and I'm so glad Dr. Fleener called me!  She didn't want me to have to wait, and it's always nice in the cancer world to be able to call with good results!

If I have to go through chemo again, at least we know it's working!  I keep thinking that God wants to work miracles through me, and we are on the way to that.  I'm so grateful for good news!!!!  

Now to celebrate with some Mexican food----fajitas and queso will have to do, as I'm still not drinking Dr. Pepper.  

Halfway Point PET Scan

I'm currently radioactive and must stay 3 feet away from children.  

I scheduled this PET scan on a day when Evan would be in preschool, thinking it would give me enough time for this strange radioactive material that they inject into my veins to break down and not be dangerous to others.  However, Evan has an ear infection/runny nose/cough, so no school for him!  Thankfully, a friend is in town and was able to watch him, so my scan could go on as planned.  He just was NOT happy about me not being about to hold his hand or hug him or sit by him or....or....or.  It reminded me of how bad it would have been if he had stayed home with me after my reconstruction.  My little Physical Touch child would have been in despair thinking his mom didn't love him!  Thankfully, now he's old enough to understand the value of money and of getting paid to be patient for 2 hours while we wait for Mommy to not be dangerous to touch!

I arrived early, and they started me on the injection before my scheduled time.  Again, the nurse wasn't able to get a clean IV, so she had to dig around.  Man, I HATE needles!!!  She did inform me, "in the future, your oncology nurses can access your port for us, and we can use that to inject you and we can remove it."  I begged, "is it too late to do that today???" "Unfortunately, yes."  [Information that would have been useful to me.....YESTERDAY!!!!!]  After FINALLY getting the IV going, I had to sit and wait 45 minutes for the radioactivity to be at a high enough level throughout my body.  Then, they moved me into the machine and "took pictures" for another 30 minutes.  

Another one done!  Now, to wait for results!  I hope there is good news in my future; I could really use some.    

Prayer

Prayer works.  It feels as if the entire world has been praying for me lately, and I have felt great blessings because of that.  

After last Monday's disheartening news, my prayer warriors jumped into action.  Friends and family spread the word that I needed some extra prayers.  Between friends and family all over the country-- and a few in various places around the world--word spread quickly.  I was told that every church in Midland, Texas, was praying for me.  (Surely one of them HAS to have the direct line to heaven, right????)  In addition, one of my dearest friends decided to rally her troops and call as many LDS temples around the world to add my name to the prayer roll.  Through the efforts of many, I'm being prayed for in 107 (out of 148) temples in 5 continents around the world.  For those not familiar with an LDS temple, during one part of the temple ceremony, those in attendance use their collective faith when they are invited to join together in prayer on behalf of those whose names are on the temple prayer roll.  Anyone can call and add the name of someone who is sick or otherwise afflicted to the prayer roll, and names remain for 2 weeks at a time.  In essence, the entire world is praying for me!

I had been crying tears of sadness, frustration, and despair on Monday, and then I was crying tears of joy and humility when I heard about all the extra love and collective voices raised to heaven for me.  Each time I pondered all of the time, energy, faith, and charity others were showing me through the simple power of prayer, I was touched beyond belief.  My emotions were close to the surface all week.  

And, I experienced a small miracle.  The 3rd round of chemo has been the easiest yet!  Between my ulcer starting to heal, the acid in my stomach being controlled, being able to eat more than broth and potatoes, I have had more energy and was less sick than the previous 2 rounds of chemo.  I was able to go to yoga/pilates.  I was able to rest when needed, but go shopping and to the park.  I had the energy to organize the boys' closets.  It was a great week after Monday.  My only complaint this time around has been a few nights of sleeplessness.  Oh, and there was one day when the EXTREME DIARRHEA I've been promised from the beginning actually decided to show up.  I'm very grateful for cars with leather seats....and that's all I have to say about that!  Not everything can go perfectly, right?  

Prayers have blessed me.  Being known and loved has strengthened me.  I am humbled and grateful beyond what I can share.  Thank you to all those who have taken their time and faith to pray for me.  Please know that I have felt strengthened and that your prayers make a difference.     

Goble This Cancer & Derbes Knows Best

I had the chance to meet with Dr. Goble on Tuesday.  He agreed with Dr. Fleener about the small possibility that I have a new cancer in my esophagus.

"I don't want to be overly optimistic," he said, "but it is much more possible that these "atypical cells" are cells that have been radiated and are still in the midst of the healing process than are actually new cancer cells.  It does not seem highly possible that you have esophageal cancer because of your age and the fact that you don't have a high family risk or lifestyle factors.  It is unusual that it has taken this long to heal after radiation, but you did start chemotherapy the week after you completed radiation."

Dr. Goble suggested setting up another opinion with a GI doctor, but did not recommend another biopsy.  His advice was to wait and try to let the medicines work on healing my ulcer and to not worry about another scope at this point.


Yesterday, I met with Dr. Derbes, a GI.  He agreed with the other doctors and suggested waiting to let my ulcer heal before doing any kind of scope.  In fact, we might not even do a scope, as long as things heal up well.  If there was an infection or other concern, he would possibly check things out, but either way, we are going to wait several weeks to make a decision.

I definitely feel much better after getting more opinions from different doctors!


I will also be having another PET scan before my next chemo, which is a question I've been asked by several people.  That way, we will get a look at how the chemo is working at the half-way point.

Thanks for the prayers and love!

Leave it to Fleener--Round Three

I started off the morning with a little sunshine! I've been heart attacked before, and this morning I was sun kissed!  Thank you to my pink warriors who helped me start the morning with a smile!  

After many tears yesterday, today is a new day.  My blood counts were high enough for chemo, and I was able to have an appointment with Dr. Fleener.  I feel MUCH better after speaking with her. Again, leave it to Fleener!  Her first analysis is that this cancer is NOT something new to worry about.  She based this opinion on my PET scans.  She reviewed those scans with me, noting that I had some lymph node activity that showed up in that general region.  At the time, cancer in the bones was the more pressing concern, so she probably glossed over the lymph node activity.  Other theories: my ulcer is most likely a side-effect of radiation, possibly aggravated by chemo or the combination of medications that I'm on.  The lymph nodes could be pushing against the esophageal wall, and even could have been in some of the tissue that was gathered in the biopsy.  I'm so glad I got in to see her today, as I feel much calmer about this.  Cancer is still scary, but hopefully, this is just more of the same.    

Dr.  Fleener could not BELIEVE I had a non-sedated scope, especially with Stephen working in anesthesia.  She spoke with Dr. Dusold this morning and agrees that I should with over to a doctor at St. Joes, and is working on getting me set up with an appointment.  Another scope, in her opinion, is not a pressing matter at this time, especially since I'm having chemo and the doctors probably want to wait until I heal up a little and my blood counts get higher.  Those doctors may even want the ulcer to heal up some and let my current medications work before scoping me again.  Dr. Fleener said that they may even get down there and decide that they don't want to biopsy me again, since they will have access to my PET scans and may agree that another biopsy at this time could do more to aggravate my healing process.  

Overall, I am grateful for another opinion on this whole thing from a doctor who knows me and has more access to information on my specific case.  I am grateful to have good care and to be able to speak up and get in with doctors.  I am glad my counts went up, and I'm healthy enough for chemo, especially since it's been difficult to eat with this ulcer.  I'm grateful for all the love, support, and sunshine from all the loves of my life.  Thank you for all you do.   

Today's cancer kicks:  

Meet Gwen:  (old school when she had blue hair, back in the day.)

Biopsy Results

I had the follow-up appointment for my EGD today.  It looks like I will get to compare and contrast this procedure while sedated vs. non-sedated sooner than I thought because they need to collect a larger sample.  Unfortunately, the pathology report from the original biopsy isn't good.  "These findings are highly suspicious for epithelial malignancy with lymphovascular invasion.  A primary vs. metastatic carcinoma cannot be ruled out and additional biopsies may be needed for definitive diagnosis."  But, hey--good news: a GMS stain is negative for fungal organisms.  So, there's cancer in my throat, but not fungi.  

I'm not taking this news well.  I just sat and cried in the doctor's office.  Then, I cried on the way home.  And I cried any time the phone rang or I thought about any of this.  I'm ON chemo and they found an area of my body with cancer that didn't show up on the scans.  It leads me to think about where else it's growing and what we are missing and how bad this is going to get.  I have not given up hope, but today has just hit me pretty hard.  I'm sad and low and scared.  I thought I was past the tear stage, but it's back with a vengeance.  

One day at a time:  tomorrow I will continue with chemo, talk with my oncologist, schedule another scope WITH anesthesia, and hope for the best.    

I feel like every time we take two steps forward, we are knocked one step back.  But, that still leaves us one step closer than we were before starting.      

EGD--non-sedated

I went against the family business today.  I have learned for myself, yet again, that when you are asked if you want to be sedated for a procedure, the correct response is.....YES!

Yesterday, I had finally reached the point of pain level when it was time to call the doctor.  Dr. Fleener was completely booked, but when I spoke with the nurse about my symptoms: a constant pain worsening over the last 5 days, difficulty swallowing, difficult eating, pain down in the lower part of my esophagus, but also higher up---they suggested I see a Primary Care Physician to rule out infections, since I'm scheduled for chemo next week.  (This pain is a somewhat common side effect of both radiation and chemo, but it should improve, especially since this is the last week of my chemo cycle.  This was another concerning factor.)

I was able to make an appointment for the same day with a new doctor, since up to this point I did not have a PCP.  She did a strep test (negative) and also started me on meds for possible thrush, since treating this and not having it wouldn't be a problem, but having it and treating it ASAP would only help.  She also put in a STAT order for me to be scoped, since that would be the only real way to take a look at the lower part of my esophagus.  I was quite impressed with how kind, thorough, and concerned she was for me and my personal situation.  

Later that day, I was scheduled for an appointment with a gastroenterologist.  (I was told to call my PCP's office if they didn't call by the next morning, so this was already looking positive.)  I went to my appointment at 11:30, and met another kind and thorough doctor.  His overall impression was that my symptoms weren't matching up with my experience.  In other words, this should've cleared up a long time ago if it was from the radiation.  Unfortunately, today was his last day before vacation, so he really wanted to to an EGD later that day.  When I hesitated about having someone available to drive me home after anesthesia, he suggested that we could do the procedure non-sedated.  I chose.......poorly.  

I showed up at the hospital at 1:30 for my 2:30 appointment.  An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is a procedure using a "thin" scope with a light and camera at the end to look at the upper digestive tract.  Let me stress that there is a reason most people are put under sedation for this procedure.  It is not fun to experience while you are awake!  If someone offers you the drugs.......you say yes!!!!  

Anyway, I put on my hospital gown---OVER MY CLOTHES--since this would be a non-sedated thing that would only take about 5-10 minutes, and waited for the doctor to arrive.  He was done with his clinic hours early, so we rolled back to the room at 2:10.  I was given 3 sprays of a "cherry" flavored numbing medicine.  The nurse had me roll over to my side and started to explain that she would put a bite block in my mouth after I started to get sleepy until she realized, "oh, this is a non-sedated procedure!  You're not going to sleep."  (So, obviously she's MOSTLY done this with sleepy patients.  Again, another clue.)  Then, came the "thin" scope---not so thin up close.  Let me just say again that anesthesia is good!  But, it was too late for me.  

It was time to breath deeply through my nose and try not to vomit as a long, somewhat thin tube was shoved all the way down my throat.  I made it through the worst part and just closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place.  I kept trying to swallow this thing that was already swallowed and ended up just drooling down the side of my face while tears spilled from my closed eyes, which should've been closed because of an anesthesia provider....... 

The doctor took a couple of biopsies to send to the lab and was able to get some good pictures, and then the other really bad part happened: this "thin" tube had to come back up.  And, it's a good thing I had not eaten since breakfast because lunch would've come out on that hospital bed.   

With the procedure over, I was able to speak to the doctor right away--since I was already awake--and see the pictures of my esophagus and that there was an ulcer: not at the top or the bottom, but right in the middle, where I had been pointing the whole time while explaining this pain.  So, at least there is a valid reason for my discomfort, and I'm not just crazy!  The bad news is that I have to start chemo again next week, which will make this even more difficult to heal.  And, even my radiation oncologist, which the GI spoke with, felt that this should've cleared up already.

We were back in the room by 2:30.  I changed and waited to be discharged.  As the doctor came to explain my instructions, he mentioned sending a new medicine to try.  He also said that as soon as he was able to get the results of the biopsies to me, he would.  Being on vacation might make it difficult, but he would try his best.  

As we left, he said that he would "be praying for me and thinking about me," and it looked like he got a little choked up, too.  This touched my heart and made me tear up, as well.  In two days, with two new doctors, I immediately felt cared for and loved by these humans who had never before met me.  It was, yet again, another example of how God uses others to meet our needs and let us know that we are not alone.  

And, if I ever do this again, I will not be talking to my doctor immediately after the procedure because I will be too busy waking up from anesthesia!

          

Pain

Shortly after my latest cancer diagnosis, I decided it would be a good idea to watch "The Fault in Our Stars."  Spoiler Alert: this movie is about people who have terminal cancer.  As you can imagine, I was a blubbering pool of tears by the end of the movie.  I guess cancer misery loves company.  

However, one line from the movie stuck with me more than any I've heard in quite some time: 

“That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt...” 
--John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Pain DEMANDS to be felt......that line summed up my entire summer.  From pains related to gall bladder problems, then pains which I thought were telling me that I'd thrown my back out, pains from falling, to learning that the pain was actually from cancer in my bones---all of these pains were demanding to be felt, demanding I pay attention and discover this cancer before it returned with such a force that there was no fighting it.  Pain saved my life.  

My short experience with pain over this summer highlighted the importance of pain in life--it teaches us, awakens us, brings people together, humbles us, and protects us from deeper pain.  Can you imagine what could happen to our bodies if we never felt pain?  

The amazing thing about my current pain is that it is under control.  Between chemo working its magic, finding the right blend of medications and treatments, my body learning to adjust to the stress, and just being strengthened, I now have less pain.  With all the other effects of this disease, I'm grateful to have a break in that area.  

As you think about the pains in your life---physical, emotional, spiritual----remember that pain exists to teach, to humble, and to help us have empathy as we connect and learn from each other.  Each of us, at any moment, could be dealing with trials/troubles/PAIN that might be seen or unseen.  Remember to be kind and and aware of all kinds of pain.  We can give comfort by simply understanding that none of us is alone in our suffering.  


Whatever your struggles, no matter how terrible and hopeless you might feel, here are some quotes to uplift and strengthen----or to just make you smile.  

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.” ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” --C.S. Lewis

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”
--Orson F. Whitney

“The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.” --Madeleine L'Engle

“If pain doesn't lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering.”
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

“After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.” ― Walt Disney Company

Tender Mercies

I don't believe in coincidences.

I believe that people and events are put in your path in order for you to understand that you are not alone in this world and that God does watch over you.  If He could be right here with you, He would hold your hand through every trial, answer every question and daily concern by whispering in your ear, and carry you through every storm.  God knows each of us personally and wants us to have joy in this life.  He can perform miracles in our lives, but He often answers prayers through other people with whom we have contact.  “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball [2006], 82).  These are the tender mercies of the Lord, those things that some people call "coincidences."

Right after my cancer diagnosis, Stephen and I were able to go out on a date and try to process the situation.  As we sat in the booth, crying over uneaten food, we noticed our server was ready to wrap up the ticket.  She kept awkwardly checking in on us, trying to avoid the tears and what I'm sure she thought was a terrible break-up.  Stephen wrote a note on the check with the tip, explaining and apologizing.  Soon after, our server came back and explained how sorry she was and that she knows a little bit about what we're going through, since her mom had stage 3 breast cancer.  I marveled at the tender mercy when it happened then.

Just Friday, we were able to go out again.  We decided to go back to the same restaurant, mainly because Stephen has a dish he knows he can eat there.  Seated in a different section on a different night, the same server walked to our table.  I recognized her and reminded her of the kindness she'd shown us weeks before.  She hardly recognized us at first, Stephen having lost weight and hair, and me in a pink wig, but was so excited to be our server again.  She kept saying, "I can't believe this is happening...again!" This new friend, Rachel, now understanding this connection we have, wanted to make she she would see us again.  She gave us her number and said to text her anytime we want to come back, and she would come be our server---whether she was scheduled or not.  She was seeing her mom the next day, and couldn't wait to share another connection and this incredible story. We talked and shared battle scars, and I was overwhelmed with the "coincidence" that brought our paths in line again.

I have a testimony that we are not alone in this world.  We are known as individuals with unique traits and talents, with incredible stories and heartbreaking challenges.  As we connect with each other and serve one another, we will see how our Father in Heaven blesses us through others in our great human family.

And, if we just look around and start making connections, we just might start to see more and more how there aren't really any "coincidences," but chances for the Lord to help us see His love in our lives.