Leave it to Fleener--Round 5

"Sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving...." (Psalm 147:7)

Cancer is determined to make an optimist out of me.  It might seem that I don't have much to hope for, especially not this time around.  I have a chronic disease that, at this point in human history, does not have a cure.  As Dr. Fleener told me today, "I expect that your cancer will come back.  I just don't know when and where, but it will come back."  With all odds against me, I have still learned through this process that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.  There is always a reason to smile.  There is always hope.  I have learned to look on the bright side of life, to worry less about the little things---and most of this life is "the little things,"---and to have faith for the future.  (In fact, SPOILER ALERT for The Walking Dead fans:  Against all odds, I called it that Glenn was still alive.)  This newfound optimism helps me to be thankful everyday, so it is nice to have an entire holiday to devote to singing praise to the Lord.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for, a few tender mercies in this cancer battle:

I am ALMOST DONE!!!!  It is hard to believe that I only have ONE MORE chemo left in this round!    After that, there will be another PET scan.  Then, I will stay on maintenance for.....well, probably forever.  As long as my heart can take the Herceptin, and as long as I can tolerate Perjeta, and as long as I stay in remission, I'll go every three weeks (or so) to have my infusions.  If (when) cancer decides to come back, there will be other options--one is a fairly new chemotherapy that targets Her2 receptors to block the growth and also to deliver chemo to those cells only, which means less negative side effects.  And, after that, there will probably be some new drug we can incorporate to keep me going.  There is always hope.


I have been mostly healthy this time around.  I haven't been sick up until this past week.  By "sick," I mean cough/cold/infection type of sick.  Last time, it felt like I had a cough for 3 months!!!  I also had very low numbers in my blood work a couple of times, and so far---knock on wood--everything has been fine for me to continue treatments on time.  The other complaint is this rash reaction that is attempting to take over my body, but I'm grateful it hasn't attacked my face.  Being healthy has made fighting much easier.

I still have some hair, especially EYELASHES and EYEBROWS!!!  This seems like a small and silly, vain thing.  However, I love my eyes.  I am grateful to still be able to put on my favorite makeup and have it feel normal.  I am also grateful that I still have some hair on my head.  It is thin and completely gray, but having some is better than none, and that will make the growing out process much easier.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who take care of me and care for me.  There is a lot of happiness and love in this place, which rubs off and makes something awful feel a little more comforting.


Although I have learned much about optimism and faith, there are tough days when it is hard to focus on the positive.  There are days, like this last week, when I think about the hard and start feeling sorry for myself and being scared for my family and how they will make it without me.  I get sad about things we all will miss, on traditions that might be forgotten, and memories that will fade.  Fear creeps in. But, there is still so much to be grateful for!

“From our sorrow we might seek out the sweetness and the good that is often associated with and peculiar to our challenge. We can seek out those memorable moments that are frequently hidden by the pain and agony. We can find peace in extending ourselves to others, using our own experiences to provide hope and comfort. And we can always remember with great solemnity and gratitude Him who suffered most to make it all right for us. And by so doing we can be strengthened to bear our burdens in peace. And then, the ‘works of God’ might be manifest.” (Richard C. Edgley, "For Thy Good," Ensign, May 2002, 66).

Every time I began to feel that fear and despair try to creep in this week, this song of praise kept coming to mind:  

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, …
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
(“How Firm a Foundation,” Hymns, no. 85)

The matching scripture Isaiah 41:10 came to mind, as well:  "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

This hymn and scripture remind me that I need not fear--not death, not hardships or loss, not anything of this world.  I need not dwell in despair or discouragement.  I need to be optimistic and keep holding onto my faith in Christ, for he will never leave me alone and will strengthen and help me through any trial.  “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid … for the Lord thy God … will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) We need not fear, for we are never alone.  We need simply call upon the Lord--in times of need and in times of thanksgiving--and He will hear and answer.   As the scriptures say, “I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

"[We] need not live in fear (see D&C 6:36). Fear is the opposite of faith....The Lord Himself encouraged, “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come” (D&C 68:6). (Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Ensign, May 2004.)  

In telling us not to fear, we are never promised a life without pain and hardships or reasons that might cause concern, worry, and even fear. “Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all” (Psalm 34:19).  However, we ARE PROMISED peace and that the Lord will "give us aid," help us, and strengthen us.  We need to keep our heads up, and keep our faith focused on the Lord.

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." (James E. Faust, "Where Do I Make My Stand?" Ensign, Nov. 2004, 21).

It is difficult to "be not dismayed" when we think on all of the hardships we might face in this life.  There are terrible, tragic events occurring each day.  Each of us face individual and family struggles and challenges.  We all have need to be strengthened and healed, but that help doesn't always come how we might want it.

“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. …The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ—whether it removes our burdens or strengthens us to endure and live with them like the Apostle Paul—is available for every affliction in mortality" (Dallin H. Oaks, "He Heals the Heavy Laden," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 5–6).

Sometimes, as in my case, a certain burden might never be removed.  However, I still need not fear.  The Lord has still promised to give me aid.  He strengthens me, both physically and spiritually.  He helps me accomplish the things that need to get done, whether through the service of others or by giving me the strength to do the most important tasks and to let the others go.  He helps me stand and be a witness of his blessings and that he can and will show us miracles to increase our faith and further drive out fear.


Sometimes this earthly life is not fun.  We have tough times and frustrating challenges.  There are times that we might feel afraid and want to give up.  Do not let fear win.  Do not lose faith.  Do not let the challenges and trials the could strengthened your faith overtake your hope.  Continue to call upon the Lord and to praise Him with thanksgiving.  And “To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ‘more excellent ministry’ with a future of ‘better promises.’ He is your ‘high priest of good things to come.’ " (Jeffrey R. Holland, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," Ensign, Nov. 1999, 36).   I promise there are many good things in this world and much to be thankful for.


My numbers are still good, and I'm praying this trend will continue so I can stay on track to finish this chemo!

Today's cancer kicks:

Happy Thanksgiving!