Inked: Take 2

Today was supposed to be the day I got my areola tattoos redone, but a scheduling conflict meant we had to change it at the last minute to last Wednesday.

After the first attempt didn't turn out AT ALL, I wasn't sure what to do to feel more normal.  My oncologist suggested going to an actual tattoo artist, as that is their profession!  I researched a bit and actually found a local place with good reviews, especially in this exact tattoo.  I called and scheduled a consultation, and felt great about this choice.

In Downtown Bryan, there's a place called Arsenal Tattoo.  Cliff, the owner, and his wife, Stacie, were quite accommodating and so nice!  They were willing to schedule my tattoo after hours or on his day off, so I would have more privacy.  I assured them that I cared more about being able to schedule this on a night Stephen would be able to come with me and be a second opinion, since he wasn't able to attend the last time, and that ended in disaster.  In fact, I never felt uncomfortable during the consultation or actual tattoo---the part that had me blushing was my homework:  to look for examples of what I wanted my finished tattoos to look like!  That was a fun day:  "Stephen, which of these pictures of breasts look most like how I used to look or how I want to look after I'm inked?"  Nipple research is another one of those parts to this whole thing that never crossed my mind beforehand. 

As a background, and for those who might be interested, about a year and a half ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy and immediate reconstruction.  First, all of my breast tissue and my nipples were removed.  To reconstruct breasts, my doctor performed the DIEP Flap procedure, which involves removing skin and fat tissue from the lower abdomen and transferring it to the chest by attaching it in microsurgery.  Here's a diagram of the procedure.  I had this done, only on both sides and with a greater abdominal area used. 

        
 After this initial surgery, I had 2 more surgeries to reshape and reconstruct.  I also had a procedure to reconstruct a nipple.  It went a little like this:

After all of that, I waited 3 additional months before the first attempt at tattoos.  They were originally performed in my plastic surgeon's office, but not by what I consider to be a trained tattoo artist.  The nurse even joked with me that they had been "trained on the tattoo machine" and "it wasn't that hard to make circles."  Let's just say I was less than pleased with the result.  One side looked as if almost nothing had been done and the other looked more like an uneven birth mark.

Enter Cliff at Arsensal:

Tattoo Selfie: 

 During:

 Here is the finished tattoo, immediately after, with the nipple blurred.  The color will change and fade, but already this is 100% better than what I had before. Plus, my scars have healed quite nicely, as if you can barely tell they are there.  {If only the abdomen was this healed!}

I loved the interaction with Cliff during my tattoo, getting to share stories of life and trials.  We talked about religion and God.  We shared experiences in overcoming difficult times and being able to stand as a witness and be a strong example of courage and hope.

I was impressed with his concern and care for me and for his willingness to make me feel comfortable.  He was also so grateful for my willingness to be flexible with his scheduling issue at such short notice that he said he and Stacie had discussed it and weren't going to charge me for the tattoos!  What an amazing act of kindness!

There are still good people in the world, and some of them can be found at places you would least expect.  If I was a tattooing type, I would go back to see some of my newest friends---those on the long list of people I've met along the way in this journey!  

Thursday with Naqvi--Life Lemons Part Two

Let's face it:  life gives you lemons.  Sometimes you are given big ones or lots of them all at once.  This week, I was given the unexpected hassle of ct scans.  This leads to worry and waiting for the results in connection with aches and pains that have no explanation, but always lead my mind back to the big one--CANCER?!?   Whether it's little, sour notes in the background or large quantities of stinging lemon juice in the eye, there are ways to get by: put the lemons to use, find ways to turn them sweet, or to learn to get used to the sour and not let it consume you.  

Let's say life has handed you a lemon or two....or five thousand.  When you carry those lemons around, holding them right up to your face to get a good look at them, all you see in your life is lemons.  You can't see any of the blessings you've also been given, any of the blessings and gifts the Savior also provides, or any of the sweetness of life.  You block out the how you've been strengthened while carrying those lemons, the humility you've developed, or the tender mercies that surely come through times of trial.  If you start simply letting your lemons live in your fruit bowl, out of your immediate view, your perspective shifts.  There is so much more to life than the lemons!

Enduring and overcoming trials is one of the most difficult aspects to this mortal experience.  I don't just think life gives you lemons.  I think life IS lemons, and we are tested to see how we will respond to the sourness.  Will we look for sweetness to make the experience easier to bear?  Will we find other uses for the lemons that can benefit our lives?  Will we realize that sometimes a little lemon juice is just what we needed? Will we help others, teaching them from our own experiences with lemons? Or, will the sour turn our hearts away from the sweet? 

Life gave me a little lemon this week, but I was given sweet surprises, too!  Learning to recognize the sweet is what helps us endure and overcome.  {This drink was SO much better than the awful, banana "shake!"}

I am still learning how to take in all of life's lemons with gratitude.  There are countless ways to stay positive in hard times, but the best one I know is to learn to come unto the Lord.  Sometimes, you just don't want lemons.  Not at all.  But, what we want isn't what we always get, and our Savior is the only one who can understand.  Come unto Him, and I promise your lemons will not seem as sour, as heavy, or as hard.  He knows. 

It's great when the lemons in our life can be put to good use, but sometimes we have to just carry them around.  We might have some sugar and water to make lemonade, but if not......there are ways to keep on going and to carry on.  If trials are removed, what a blessing that is!  But, if not.....things will still work out.  They worked out a little for me today, as my results showed that I do not have cancer.  I still have to consult some other doctors to see what else could be causing some pain, and I just have to live with some pains associated with my surgeries and scar tissue.  I'm at least grateful to hear that my big lemon is still in the past!

 

Life IS lemons.  Sour notes are all around, but we can find lightness, brightness, usefulness, and sweetness in the mix.  When Life is lemons, the Savior is the "aid."

  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Life Lemons Part 1

Life didn't give me lemons today.  It gave me a huge, disgusting banana shake...

 

...and an unexpected CT scan.   

 The good news is that my actual lab results came back well, but my doctor wants to rule out possibilities from some other symptoms I've been having.  When you've already had cancer and waited a few months to have those symptoms checked before actually getting scanned, you've learned your lesson.  

STAT orders on my scans today, so I'm back to Houston on Thursday!

 

Mists of Darkness

Somehow, I tend to forget that a great storm overtook my life 2 years ago, and then it's time for another cancer screening.  I had blood taken today, for the 9-month anniversary of my second birth.  Let's hope I'm still cancer-free!  This week of waiting somehow reminds me of the darkness that arose around that time.   

While on our journey here below,

Beneath temptation's pow'r,

Through mists of darkness we must go,

In peril ev'ry hour.

 

("The Iron Rod," Text: Joseph L. Townsend, 1849-1942 Music: William Clayson, 1840-1887)

 

There is a story from the Book of Mormon that quite perfectly sums up our experience in this earthly life.  It is often called, "Lehi's Dream," or "The Vision of the Tree of Life."  In the story, Lehi, a Book of Mormon prophet, tells of a dream he has dreamed of a tree which bears desirable fruit, which is reached only by following a treacherous path, led by only a rod of iron to guide the way through mists of darkness and peril, through a large and spacious field surrounded by dangerous cliffs, a river of filthy water near the side, and strange roads with forbidden paths.  Once Lehi reaches the tree in his dream and eats the fruit, he realizes how much he wants others, especially those closest to him--his family--to partake.  Sadly, not everyone chooses to follow the path to the fruit, as many are led away, or find themselves pulled toward a great and spacious building, full of seemingly jolly people engaged in enticing activities and mocking those on the path or at the tree.  Those who wander off in search of other sources of joy are often lost.  (see  1 Nephi 8 )

In later passages, we learn the interpretation of these symbols and how they can be likened to this life.  The tree of life is the love of God, and the fruit is the representation of the greatest gifts of God--life, His love, and our ability to return to Him. Regardless of religious affiliation, most people believe in God, or a higher power, and one of life's greatest motivations is to seek His love.  Our creation and purpose in life is often related to seeking after the love of God, or tasting of the fruit of the tree of life. As so many of us find, the path to the fruit is not easy.  It is treacherous and often difficult, and we only move forward with help, by holding fast to the iron rod, which is interpreted to represent the word of God.  There are many distractions, dangers, and detours which attempt to discourage us from pressing on.  ( See 1 Nephi 15:23-25, 1 Nephi 12:17)

In the hymn inspired by this passage of scriptures, "The Iron Rod," it is interesting to note that over half the verses discuss, not what the title suggests, but instead a different symbol: Mists of Darkness. 

  A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to study the entire story of Lehi's Dream story and focus my attention on these mists of darkness in order to present my thoughts on this one aspect of the dream to the group of women at our church, the Relief Society, for a special conference, as my role in the leadership of this organization.  (I even got to attempt to paint my version of the mists!) 

"And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.

And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree." (1 Nephi 8: 23-24)

The Book of Mormon describes these mists of darkness: "And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost." (Nephi 12:17) No wonder the mists of darkness take up so much space in the hymn describing this dream.  Our pathways in life are often clouded over with these mists, which can be experienced as trials, temptations, and anything that would attempt to have us step away from God's word, stray from the path to His love, lead to feelings of shame for believing, or cause us to lose our way and forget the light that stands steadfast at the end of the path.   I love how Jeffrey R. Holland describes the mist:

It is imperative to note that this mist of darkness descends on all the travelers—the faithful and the determined ones (the elect, we might even say) as well as the weaker and ungrounded ones. The principal point of the story is that the successful travelers resist all distractions, including the lure of forbidden paths and jeering taunts from the vain and proud who have taken those paths....  However dark the night or the day, the rod marks the way of that solitary, redeeming trail. (See "Safety for the Soul," Jeffrey R. Holland, Oct. 2009)

Each of us encounter mists of darkness. The mists could be daily challenges that attempt to shake our faith.  The mists can arise as sudden and unexpected storms such as devastating losses of loved ones or livelihood.  Health challenges, addictions, personal struggles, public difficulties, temptations of all kind could all lead us to give up hope, to shrink from His word.  None of us can know what challenges or obstacles we may be called to face on our path, but we know that each of us will face challenges, these mists of darkness. 

The constant is the tree, the love of God.  He stands firm, pleading with us to follow His path and hold on through the darkness.  He promises His light.  Even if the mists seem to never subside on our personal journey, each of us can continue to press forward, simply holding on and knowing that there will be light.  There is one true source of the pure light, the love of God.  It is waiting, with roots as deep as the Tree of Life, always there for us to partake.   

How do we press forward through the darkness? Each of us is born with the light of Christ, as the scriptures tell us: "And that I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world;"

(D&C 93:2) and "That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world."

(John 1:9)  No matter the strength of duration of the mists of darkness, each of us has the true light that can push out all darkness.  A testimony of Jesus Christ is the one sure way to press forward.  Even if you feel unable to see any break in a storm or any light in your darkness, you can do as those in the dream did and "press [your] way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron."  (1 Nephi 8:30)  Faith in the source of all the light in the world, our Savior, is the only thing that will get us through the storms.  His love, relying on His strength and the promise that he "reaches our reaching" to make up the difference if we will but hold on and press forward.

I, like many of you, have been caught in my own mists of darkness.  Some of the biggest tests of life happen in the mists, for these trials and tests are sometimes the only way to humility and the gain the ability to see the Light with an eye of faith, even in the midst of the mists.  The light of Christ is there.  He is a safe harbor for our souls.  His love, His promises, and His light can guide us through any of life's storms, and they can help us understand that all of us are here on the journey, just trying to find the light in the storms.  And, I'm hoping that I will see the light of another 3 months without major darkness.  But if not......