H&P #50 + 6-Year Chemo Anniversary

Six years ago today, I was walking into my very first chemotherapy experience, my newly scarred chest showing off the spot where my port was placed only days before.

My mommy was able to accompany me that first time, much like the first day of school, 

into the unknown and give me strength and calm the fear.  

I remember taking my new iPad, a gift from all my siblings and playing 

Plants vs. Zombies and other games from the past.

I also remember crashing--HARD--from that first time with the

Benadryl infusion.  That began a long line of the many 

Mommy Chemo Nap Days

that lay ahead.  

I find it interesting that today also marks my FIFTIETH dose of Herceptin and Perjeta,

and that my spell check wants me to change that first word to PERCEPTION.

The way you look at a thing like cancer, the perception of it all,

can have the biggest impact on how it affects your life.

Throughout this LOOOOOONG

six year journey, I've always tried to seek the joy

and find love and gratitude for the little things that make my life worth living.

I've focused on faith, hope, + service (both giving and receiving.). 

I've screamed and cried and kicked my legs and beat my arms into my pillows in frustration.

I've asked 'why?' and realized that I would only get 

snippets of the answers and only when I really needed them.  

I've been able to bring some light to my fellow cancer survivors through my story 

and through my attitude about that story.

I've (hopefully) been an example to others to realize that they can withstand 

all the trials that come their way, without comparing themselves 

to those they believe are suffering more severely.  

I've also been able to share my faith through writing,

whether through this blog, my book, or other creative outlets.

I've made friends and challenged strangers.

I've traveled and made memories with my family.

I've strengthened my faith in God and seen His miracles, 

many times over, to both me and to my family.

I have witnessed the power of prayer, personal and collective.

I've been humbled by charity and simple acts of kindness.

I've gotten so sick of being "that girl," the one with cancer, 

but have felt over and over again that it is critical that I continue to share.

I have cried so deeply that the tears have dried up

and laughed so intensely that tears slid down my cheeks.

Feeling many emotions in between have helped me to discover that I haven't

felt them all yet, and I have much more to gain from this life.  

I've ached over making enough memories of me for my children to cherish.

I've agonized over how my husband could possibly continue to love me 

when my body was cut apart and put back together, or I had no energy to clean, or the intimacy that is so important between partners was sometimes few and far between, when I looked more like 

a terrible beast than his true love.

There have been dark moments, but I have always been able to find the light

of Christ, whether in the love from my husband, the call to be a mother and the 

emphasis I put on its importance, which often continues to give me reason to 

get out of bed.  I've made lifelong friends and been

taught and blessed from experiences I never would have known 

without suffering through this storm.  

I've been given strength and courage to carry on.

Who knows when my time will run out, 

but I'll fight the good fight everyday.

I'll keep on truckin' as long as there's somewhere to go.

 This disease sucks, but I've been able to truly live in my journey

and learn some great life lessons.

Thank you all for helping me keep on kickin' cancer to the curb.

BTHO cancer!