Tuesdays With Naqvi--Results

Well, people.  It's official.  I'M CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I got my final results in, and all of my blood work is completely normal.  It was so nice to hear such amazing words from Dr. Naqvi this morning.  All of the pain, suffering, time, and sacrifice has paid off.  I am officially a survivor!

As is fitting for my life, the appointment didn't go quite as planned.  I expected this appointment to be no big deal.  I knew everyone was quite confident about the results, so I assumed I would show up, walk in, get my results,  and walk out.  Because of that assumption, I didn't bother with trying to find someone to watch Evan.  THE ONE TIME I take him with me, you can imagine what happened.  EVERYONE ELSE also decided to have an appointment today!!!!  I waited for an hour and 40 minutes to see the doctor for 5!!!  WITH A TWO-YEAR-OLD!!!!  But, Evan was very good.  I had plenty to keep him entertained for a hour, and then we walked all over the halls until my name was called.  I got many, MANY compliments on his behavior, so---we fooled 'em all, Evan!  And then I did get my results and walk out happy!  Plus, I got to have someone from my family there to celebrate the moment I heard the good news.

Now what?  For the next 2 years, I will go back for blood work and check-ups every 3 months.  After that, I graduate to once every 6 months.  Eventually, it will be just once a year.  Although there is some concern that cancer could return, mostly because of my type and my age, I feel confident in knowing that I will be closely monitored for the rest of my life and even if something does come back, most likely we should catch it quickly.

   
 Dr. Naqvi's only real concern for me now is to lose weight.  The Tamoxifen I take---and will continue to take for at least 10 years---blocks Estrogen, thus making my metabolism basically nothing.  So, not only have I been taking steroids for a year, now I'm on a drug that suppresses my metabolism.  No wonder I feel like I'm going nowhere!  Here's the *great* news on what I have to do:  fruits, vegetables.  No fat.  No sugar.  Get sugar from fruit and maybe honey.  No cheese.  No fried foods.  No pizza.  1,000 calories a day.  Just when I was really starting to like everything Dr. Naqvi was saying about me beating cancer and being officially cancer-free and stuff, she has to go an say something like "no cheese," and totally blow it.  I guess I will just have to work that much harder since my body is working against me.  But, I can do it.  I'm a survivor!

 
  As for now, I am looking forward to feeling more "normal," or more like my normal self.  I feel blessed and grateful for all the love, support, and service that helped me survive this journey.  I will always be on the defensive against cancer.  I will have to take some sort of drug for the rest of my life to help block my receptors and try to prevent this disease from attacking me again.  I have fought a good fight and will continue to guard against a return.  It feels good to survive the war!
 

Portless

I had my port removed yesterday, and there is something so freeing about that!  Part of me wonders if we pulled it out a little prematurely, as I haven't yet received my final labs and complete cancer-free clearance, but I guess Dr. Naqvi is so confident that everything will come back clear that she gave the go ahead to take the darn thing out. 

After the full-on surgery it took to put the port it, it's amazing how non-serious the removal was.  I simply went into Dr. Pollack's office, changed into a gown, and got up on the table.  In came Dr. P and her nurse, and we were ready to go. 

The worst part was at first, when they shot up the area with a big needle full of lidocaine.  I stung and burned a little, but nothing terrible.  I was under the impression that I would have to wait a bit for the drug to take effect--maybe because I have to wait for the lidocaine cream I used before chemo to work for an hour.  I guess that just shows the difference in potency.  There was no wait time.  Dr. P turned around to put down the needle and came back with a scalpel.

It was such a strange experience, lying there and watching the whole procedure.  I couldn't feel any pain, but could feel pressure and tugging.  I could see a little blood every now and then and just tried to stay completely still.  At first, Dr. P had to search a little for the port.  The nurse joked about how, "well, we know it's in there!"  Once it was located, she began to remove it.  She pulled and pulled, and finally the nurse said, "It's out!"  {I kept thinking of so many references to some kind of alien creature busting out of my body.}  

After a little pressure and blood stoppage, Dr. P stitched me up, and I was ready to go.  Months and months of this contraption under my skin and 20 minutes to get it out.  {I've had teeth removed that took longer.}  I'm free!

Dr. Pollack was the first specialist I saw on the day I found out about my diagnosis.  I've come a long way since that day!  

 

Inked

I can cross "getting a tattoo" off my bucket list. Today, I got two of them, but they will never be seen by most people. I'm now a person with hidden tats!

The final step of my breast reconstruction involved the tattooing of the areola around my constructed nipples. Even though I don't have much sensation in that area anymore, I was instructed to use numbing cream before the procedure.  Once I got to the office, they measured and marked me up. Then came the process of mixing a color. We wanted to get just the right balance of brown and pink, using my natural coloring before surgery as a guide. After the color was right, it was time to ink away. My skin is pretty sensitive, which means it took the color well, but also bled quite a bit.  Because of that, the nurse wasn't able to do one final pass over the left side.  I might have to go back for touch-ups if I'm not happy after the saturation fades. 

What a journey it has been to complete this surgery!  They asked me today about my overall experience, and I know I made the right decision to go with Dr. Boutros. I have been so happy with the results. However, I was in no way prepared for the severity of the surgery. I was not sufficiently humbled about the recovery, the pain, my inability to function for a significant length of time, the emotional roller coaster accompanied with that recovery, the costs, and the overall length of time required. I would not choose a different path, but I wish I had understood a little more about what to expect. 

So many of the steps of this process are all coming to an end. There has been so much waiting and trudging along and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I've finished chemo. I'm through with surgery. My breasts are totally reconstructed. I get my port out next week. I'll do labs on the 20th and have my official date of freedom on the 27th. It's really happening, and I don't even feel like I'm jinxing it by talking about it. 

Because I'm that confident, bold, and daring.  I've got tattoos, remember?

All ready for tattoos---there's the machine behind me. 

Katie did a great job!  

Hooray for easy procedures!

Tuesdays with{out} Naqvi

 A whole week has gone by since I finished my last chemo!

I kept meaning to post these pictures of my cancer team, but the week has been BEYOND crazy.

Here are some of the people who helped me on my way to being a cancer SURVIVOR!!!

Dr. Naqvi:

Jane and Lily.  Jane was at the practice when I started last year, left for a few months, and now is back.  It's like the circle of life.

There have been 2 other nurses who helped in my treatment process, but these 2 have been there from the beginning and saw me to the end!!

What a great feeling it is to be done!!!! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #51, 52--LAST TREATMENT!!!!!

We made it!  Today is the day of my very last treatment on this breast cancer journey.  This road has been long, bumpy, difficult, full of twists and unexpected turns and delays.  There have been days that I did not want to keep going and thought I would never make it to the end.  Today, I am ready to make a turn and keep moving forward on another path, with renewed goals, strength, and faith.  I am humbled at the service, love, and support that my family and I have received.  There have been many, MANY times that we were only able to keep moving forward because you carried us.  This has been a journey of many and a journey of personal faith.  

Much of last year was a strenuous and steep climb.  Out of necessity, there were months upon months that my family was unable to do much in the way of "normal" activities.  We cut out sports, chose to not attend many outings in which we would come in contact with germs, and even church.  We were basically absent from our weekly meetings for half of the year between my lack of an immune system, extreme nausea, hospital stays and surgeries, inability to get out of bed, or just complete exhaustion.  Even though there were moments that I was grateful for the day of rest and the ability to just stay home, I missed the weekly renewal and blessings from regular church attendance.  

When I was finally healthy enough to start going back, the difference was made even more apparent.  I will never forget one meeting, when I was finally able to go back after being absent for months.  We had a disscusion on  the topic of conversion.  What is it?   In a nutshell: changing one’s beliefs, heart, and life to accept and conform to the will of God.   During the discussion, someone said that they were actually jealous, at times, of people who had made the decision to be baptized later in life, "converts," because they could pinpoint when they were converted.  For those who had been raised in a church, baptized in childhood, and continued to attend, it wasn't so easy to know.  I remember having a different opinion, as I only have a few memories of my childhood baptism, but I can exactly remember times in my life where I know I became converted and had a testimony.  

One occured when I was 18 years old.  I was making choices that were not leading me in a positive direction--spiritually, educationally, and in life in general.  I woke up one morning and knew immediately that I needed to make some changes.  It was almost like lightning striking.  My heart was changed and my path along with it.  I can look back to that exact moment in my history and see how very different my life would've been if I hadn't made the decision to be converted.  

Back to the discussion at that church meeting, someone mentioned that when we have questions or are not sure of our testimony of something, Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet, taught to perform and experiment of faith.  

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 32:27)

He goes on to discuss how if we even plant a tiny seed or particle of faith in something in our hearts and truly look for that seed to bloom, we will be able to see if it is good or bad.  

Although it is not the experiment I had planned, and not one I would recommend, I realized that out of necessity, much of the year had been an experiment on being converted.  Was I converted to my faith in Jesus Christ?  Was I converted to faithful church attendance?  Did I believe that I am blessed and loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior, even in the midst of terrible trials?  Being unable to attend church, renew convenants, feel the spirit there, or receive those blessings from going was an experiment that cancer provided, an eye-opening one at that.  The difference in life was visible.  At 34 years old, I now had another moment to pinpoint in my conversion story.  

Why should we be converted?  Why not just do our best and not worry about the rest?  Why not just simply try to be a good person and hope that things all work out?  In Acts, we read:   

   19 ¶Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord; (New Testament, Acts, Chapter 3)

Knowing that you are on the Lord's side, that you have a humble heart, that you are trying to keep the commandments and do what is right, that you repent of your sins and come unto Christ, those are a few of the reasons I see on the importance of being converted.  For me, it is not enough to just float through life, seeing where the wind and waves take you.  For the wind is not always a gentle breeze and the waves are not always calm.  If you are not converted before the storms hit, how much easier it is to become blown away and lost.  Being firmly planted on solid ground, on the rock of our Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, is how I have made it through many of life's storms.     

Beyond just having faith and believing that He will bless me, I have learned that He does strengthen us.  He is able to bless us enough to withstand all afflictions. If we come unto Him and be converted, he will not only bless us for our faith, but many scriptures talk of how He will not only bless us, but he will HEAL us.  

 15 For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. (New Testament, Matthew, Chapter 13)

Sometimes, we are healed physically.  Sometimes, we lose physical battles, but we are healed emotionally.  We can't always understand why trials come our way or why they are not always healed in the ways we would chose, but we are promised that being converted in our faith in Jesus Christ will heal us.  

I have grown stronger in my faith and understanding our how faith can strengthen us to overcome impossible tasks.  I have overcome many trials and not on my own.  I have been healed of cancer, being more fortunate than many others who have lost their battles.  I am grateful for my strength, the love of family and friends, and for the blessings of being even more converted after my experiment of faith over the last 15+ months.  

Hopefully the journey my being able to share some of my experiences have strengthened some of you, for I have attempted to follow these words: 

 

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. (New Testament, Luke, Chapter 22)

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #49, 50

Remember when I said that April would be the month I finish chemo?  That statement was prefaced with something like, "as long as everything goes according to plan."  I don't know why I ever allow myself to think that a plan for my life would ever just fall into place!  

As I was explaining how excited I am about only having one more chemo after this, my nurse wasn't so sure about those numbers.  She went to look in the records and came back with the bad news that the computer is telling them that I still have 2 more days of chemo--one double dose on April 29th and a single dose in May.  WHAT!?!  

Apparently, back in August, I was scheduled for a double dose of Herceptin to give me a week off to recover from my mastectomy/reconstruction.  I remember thinking, "Why don't I just have a double dose every time?"  Unfortunately, their notes for that day show that I was only charged for a singe dose.  And the nurse that made those notes was fired.  Talk about a balloon buster.  

I've kept my own records of dates and treatments, and I specifically remember being scheduled for that double dose.  All of their records indicate that I wasn't given the correct dosage.  So, what do I do????  

The decision is in my hands.  Either, I go with what I rememeber happening in my own treatment, what I've recorded, and what I've been counting on in my brain.  Or, I have one extra single dose in May.  Is it worth having an extra dose just to cover all the bases?  If I go with what I really want to do and be done next time will I always wonder if I did enough to treat this disease?  Surely, one dose can't make all that much of a difference, right?  I think I'll finish up next time, and just have doses 51, 52*.  If keeping records with an asterisk can work for baseball, it can work my for my chemo.  

Seriously, why can't things just go according plan?????  

*******Dr. Naqvi just contacted the company the provides the drugs, and their records indicate that MY records are correct.  Thank goodness!!!!  I won't have to live the rest of my life with a Herceptin asterisk.  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #47,48

In so many ways I cannot believe it, but I can finally say that THIS IS THE MONTH that I will finish chemo!!!!!!!  If everything goes according to plan, which it rarely does in my case, April 2014 is the month I finally receive my last dose of chemotherapy. 

When this whole process started, I heard several times something along the lines of, "it's a year out of your life," or "this will take everything you have for a year, but you'll make it."  These comments always reminded me of being down in the Pit of Despair, hooked up to "the machine" and having a year of my life "sucked away," Princess Bride Style.  Well, a year is bad enough, but people lied to me!  52 weekly doses of Herceptin, not able to be administered for 3 months with FEC, plus extra time for weeks of low WBC counts and recovering from surgeries......a "year" has turned into an actual 16 total months until I'm officially cancer-free.    Even with the extra time and added set backs to the originally assumed time frame, I am so grateful to have made it to this point in the process.  It's almost as if I'm just coasting now, especially when compared to some of the steps of treatment last year.  I've made it through the steep and rocky paths and now just have to endure to the end.  

As my nurse was hooking me up today, she commented on how close I am to being finished.  "You're going to miss us!  You won't miss coming here, but you'll miss us.  You'll finally have your life back."  I will miss them!  I'll miss having that place I go where everybody knows my name and their job is to make me well.  I'll miss the forced naps.  I'll miss the legitimate medical excuses for being too fat.  I'll miss the reflection time and testimony-building experiences.  I'll miss the feeling of added blessings that come from relying on The Lord during the storms.  Yes, I will miss many things, but I am ready to have my life back.  

Soon this will just be another one of life's experiences.  People will be sick of me talking about it and relating everything to cancer.  I will have my life back and will be able to live without this cloud of cancer trying to block out the light.  I will probably always have scars--both physical and mental--remnants of my battle with cancer, but scars are evidence of experiences, and they will serve as a reminder of what I have to look forward to and not just what has been lost.  

This has been one of many storms in my life.  I've had many other challenging experiences to overcome, and I am sure that there will be many more in the years to come.  I thought I had learned about patience, humility, charity, and understanding the Lord's timing over and over again.  However, this storm has been a big one.  Similarly, as I speak with others about their own personal trials, I am coming more and more to believe that each one of us will--at least at one point in our lifes---experience something that truly brings us to our knees.  There is going to be some trial, some loss, some grief, some experience with children, some loneliness, some depression, some illness, some frustration, some major life storm that will shake us to the core, compel us to be humble, and create within us new understanding of conversion and concentrating on what is truly important.  

So much of life is inconsequential, "treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where theives break through and steal." {matt. 6:19}  I truly believe that God wants to bless us and allow us to prosper, but so much of whether these "treasures" become a blessing or a curse lies in perspective and attitude.  Does pride take over and we forget to be grateful?  Do we get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that we forget to nourish personal testimony and strengthen family?  We are told to  "lay up....treasures in heaven," to "seek...first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  {matt 6:20, 33}  At some point--and perhaps over and over again--we must learn how to balance this earthly life with the eternal, and often the storms of life help shift our perspective.  

God's timing is not our timing, for we are bound by mortality, and He is eternal.  Science cannot completely explain it.  The math does not add up.  When we are in the most terrible storms and at the weakest points, we can often become the strongest.  When trials and sorrows would seek to overtake us, having faith and relying on the Savior will add up to more strength than we ever knew was possible.  The time that seems to tick slowly by can become but a blink.  The windows of heaven are opened up, and blessings are poured out.  And even when some of life's trials are not removed from our lives, we become changed, strong enough to withstand the strongest of storms, for as long as it takes, all through learning faith and leaning on The Lord, whether for a year, for 16 months, or until the end.  "For with God all things are possible." {mark 10:27}