Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #41,42

I was deeply touched by a loving comment made to me at church this past Sunday. 

"Sister Cooper, may I tell you something without it embarrassing you?" he asked, cautiously. "I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me. I see all that you've been through and all you do and am so impressed with your positive attitude."  It was his tear-filled eyes that touched me so.  

What have I really done to be an inspiration? We all have adversity, tragedies, hardships, times of trial, loss, sadness, grief, pain, and challenges.  Mine is no different from yours, on a grand scheme; only the specific details vary. Perhaps I have come to see opposition in all things for what it is--learning opportunities and growth-- and to seek the joy. Joy truly can exist with the sorrow.  I have been strengthened and uplifted and blessed, even if just blessed to recognize the small miracles and tender mercies for what they are---ever present. I have a better understanding of pain and loss, but also humility and gratitude. I see the miracles in the little things. 

The little things can be great blessings. Things I took for granted, or even cursed before, have new light. I can wear a real bra again, and a bigger one than before!  I have enough hair to pull back in a tiny bunch, secured with bobby pins! 

I have the strength and stomach to clean my own toilets, to change the sheets on the bunk bed, and to---gasp---actually find the joy in doing my own dishes!  Lest you think I'm a saint, moments from transfiguration, I have yet to rejoice in meal planning and grocery shopping, and I still get so frustrated at those mommy moments of finding an entire dresser and closet of clothes emptied all over a bedroom on the morning we most need to leave the house on time, or juice spilled for the 17th time on the freshly mopped floors, and all the other, lovely, "deep breath" moments that accompany parenting young children.  However, I have learned a little more how to cherish all the moments I'm given.  I am even more grateful for the ways in which my experiences with the adversity of cancer have blessed my young sons. They are quick to forgive, more cognizant of mommy's "boo-boos," freely giving of those cherished, "I love you's," and even offer to kiss ME better when they know I'm not feeling well.  There are truly miracles in the little things. 

In our adversity, some of the biggest challenges lie in the often unanswered "whys?"  Grief and pain can be compounded in the times when we wonder if there was anything we could've done to avoid our trials, anything that would've prevented tradegy from befalling us. Through this experience, I've learned that sometimes terrible things just happen. But, they teach us to cling to our blessings, to seek out ways to comfort others in their grief, to realize that God's blessing of easing burdens and lightening yokes most often doesn't mean simply taking them away and keeping us from adversity, but that He will strengthen us and provide ways for us to bear the burdens placed on our shoulders. 

If I have been an inspiration to anyone because of how I've faced this journey, it is only because I have been blessed to pass through this challenge with faith that The Lord is on my side. All of those little blessings, day by day, add up to so much greatness, and none of it is done alone. 

Another Surgery

I have new nipples! 

This morning I went in for the next step of my breast reconstruction and came out one step closer to finishing the process.  I was in at 7:30 and out and awake by 9:00!  Nailed that surgery!

The original plan should've had my breasts all finished this month, but complications and too many adjustments meant that I would need one additional procedure to complete the nipples before the final tattoos. Thankfully, my doctor listened to my concerns about finances and the additional costs and agreed to do this surgery in his office. (It was hard to NOT hear my concerns through the blubbering tears!). 

We made it to dr. B's office, and started with my least favorite part of any medical procedure: the IV!  I've joked about having Stephen start one before I even come in, having them just access my port, and other options to ease this process. I don't know what it is about me, but I ALWAYS seem to have problems and pain with IVs. Luckily, I only needed a 22 (small needle) and had a nurse with LOTS of IV experience!  Having that go smoothly and painlessly was a good omen. 

Dr.  B came in to draw on me, and was VERY pleased with his handiwork. He asked if I thought they were too big, if I was happy, etc.  He said he was very happy and thought they looked great. He marked the place for the new nipples and a place in my ear for more cartilage, if needed. 

I met with the anesthesiologist, and he asked the standard questions. Then, he asked one that made me smile: "What are you having done today, some lypo?"  

"No, nipple reconstruction."  (But I wanted to say, "What are you saying? You just assume it's lypo?"  I didn't. Don't want to mess with the man with the good drugs!)

I said goodbye to Stephen, walked across the hall into the operating room, and had a nice nap. When I woke up, I was bandaged up, dressed, and ready to go. 

Now I'm home and ready to rest. We'll get to take the bandages off tomorrow. How's that for a Valentine's Day present?  Look, but don't touch!

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Herceptin #39,40

It's World Cancer Day, and I'm in the chemo chair. For all those who have felt the effects of cancer, whether through a personal battle or a fight of a loved one, there's some comfort in knowing that we are not alone. If fighting this fight has taught me anything, it is that I am strong enough to beat cancer, but so much stronger with the support of family and friends.

I never expected cancer to hit me when it did.  I wasn't prepared in many ways.  But, my life has been full of many unexpected twists and turns, so I've come to expect the unexpected in general. Whenever I feel like I'm finally in a good place and finally figuring things out, something in the plan changes. 

I came across this image not long ago and couldn't have described my life much better. I would've possibly added sharks, a broken bridge, a glass wall, a few detours and construction zones, and some flats tires/busted chains, but this is really close to my truth.

If you asked me 2 years ago, we were finally on a pretty smooth path.  Stephen was finally done with school, and loved his job.  We made it past the stumbling blocks of an unexpected pregnancy and fighting the IRS, saved enough money to buy our first home, and had 3 healthy boys.  After ups and downs and twists and turns, we were going to enjoy a little time of rest to catch up and get ahead. We'd joked many times before about how we had gone WAY past "plan B," and were actually closer to "plan FF," having used the entire alphabet of life plans and still going. It seemed, however, that finally one of our plans actually came to pass as expected! 

We'd simply reached a false summit.

There's something rather defeating about making plans and progressing toward dreams, but never quite reaching them. To have a goal-oriented mindset, to be moving forward, only to stumble and have those goals always lie just out of reach can be discouraging. 

Perhaps our goals and our plans had always been just that--OUR goals and OUR plans. Maybe they didn't always match up perfectly with GOD'S plans FOR us, so He had to keep recalculating and redirecting until we finally caught on.  Sometimes being forced to stop and reevaluate is just what you need to keep going.   Cancer definitely did that for us and forced us to see the world differently.

So, here we are: Deeper in debt, yet stronger in faith; Further from goals of paying off student loans, but closer to each other; Frustrated about the time wasted, but grateful for every minute of life we are still blessed to enjoy; Broken down to be built back up. 

We can plan and plan, but reality can take us somewhere completely different. What matters is that we keep moving forward. Even if we lose balance and fall, we are never truly down as long as we get back up and get going. 

Speaking of getting going and keeping moving forward, a friend of mine is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk for breast cancer.  She's walking in my name, and I am honored.  There is so much love and support to be found in such an awful journey.  If you feel so inclined, please visit her website and learn more! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #37, 38

I had the chance to teach a lesson to the Young Women of our congregation on the topic of Personal Progress.  There is a specific program in our church called Personal Progress in which the girls make goals, pass off experiences, and complete projects in the areas of 8 specific values, but progress is a topic for everyone.  I LOVE the motto "Never Stop Improving," because it's a great mission statement for life.  None of us is perfect.  Each of us has areas to improve.  We are here to learn, grow, change, experience, serve, adapt, prepare, perfect, and progress.  January is a perfect time to evaluate and set goals on areas of progression for the year, so it was perfect timing for this topic.  I'm not going to share my whole lesson, but I think a discussion on personal growth is valuable and relates to the journey through trials.

The Parable of The Pebbles:  {Shayne M. Bowen}

One night in ancient times, three horsemen were riding across a desert. As they crossed the dry bed of a river, out of the darkness a voice called, “Halt!” They obeyed. The voice then told them to dismount, to pick up handfuls of pebbles, put the pebbles in their pockets, and remount. The horsemen followed the instruction.

The voice then said, “If you have done as I commanded, tomorrow at sunup you will be both glad and sorry.” The horsemen rode on. When the sun rose, they reached into their pockets and found that a miracle had happened. The pebbles had been transformed into diamonds and other precious stones.

The horsemen remembered the warning that they would be both glad and sorry. They were glad they had taken some pebbles, sorry they had not taken more.

I LOVE parables!  The stories are short and sweet.  The messages are deep and lasting.  In this parable of pebbles, we compare the small stones to the small, everyday acts we do that help us slowly improve and progress.  Personal progress becomes precious possessions, one pebble at a time.  Bowen says, "The world would have you believe that the values of faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue are insignificant pebbles in a modern world. That is not true. “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."  When we do small and simple things, making these positive changes in life, great things can come about.  

Sometimes we underestimate the value of the precious pebbles that God places in our paths.   Sometimes we curse the stumbling blocks that are there to test our strength.  However, each time we add to our pockets, we collect more material to be transformed.  These pebbles may seem small and insignificant, but in reality they are treasures of eternal worth.

It's important to not be discouraged, overwhelmed, or to compare our experiences and our progress with others.  Progress is a personal thing.  Each of us has individual and natural strengths and weaknesses.  We are all on different points in the path.  We won't all collect the same pebbles, the same amount of pebbles, or pebbles at the same time.  However, making goals and reaching them--collecting the pebbles of self improvement--will pay off for each of us when they are combined to make our personal treasures.  Real progress is made by following the pattern of small, consistent, positive actions.  We become great not all at once, but by discovering areas in which we should progress, making goals in those areas, and continuing to accomplish those great things consistently.  I love how Thomas S. Monson puts it:  "learn what we should learn, do what we should do, and be what we should be."

As I think about my own personal progress, the goals I am working on, and those I want to achieve, I realize more and more that the small steps added together can take us on great journeys.  I chip away at chemo.  I work on small goals everyday to keep my house clean and organized.  I start with small projects that can be easily completed.  I try to do a little bit each day to improve myself or strengthen a talent or help someone else.  After a bit of time has passed, I'll be able to look back and see the priceless treasures I've accumulated, one pebble at a time.