2 Years Ago

January 17, 2013 was one of the worst days of my life.  Two years ago today, Stephen and I heard the words no one wants to hear, "we don't have official results back, but we know it's cancer."  You never want to hear bad news, but the C word is terrible news.  Life after that news is never quite the same.  To best explain, especially to those who have never endured a life-altering trial--all 1.7 of you---just imagine me screaming out "I DIED THAT DAY!" {Bonus points for movie reference on that quote.}  A small part of me did die that Thursday afternoon, forever gone/erased/changed, but even more parts of me have been reborn/renewed/given new understanding, stronger faith, and deeper purpose.

I have lost much, cancer stealing more than I wanted to give.  The disease stole time--time from home, time with Stephen, time with my children, time, time, time.  Cancer--and the treatment of it--takes so much TIME.  Even when not being treated, time is erased from existence because there is no motivation or energy to spend ones time as desired.  I look back now and am amazed at how I had that much time to spare, and am so grateful to have those moments to savor now.  Cancer also stole my breasts.  So many people respond to that lamentation with the celebration, "but you're alive!"  Yes, {and SO grateful for it}, but a soldier with a blown away leg doesn't want to hear about their great luck.  It takes time to rediscover feeling, identity, and normalcy, among other things, when a part of the body that has been with you for decades is destroyed.  The after-effects of chemo and my body enduring such tremendous pain and suffering continues, long after the cancer-free status.  Sleep evades me.  My body has great difficulty doing things it once could---i.e. SIT-UPS!--How difficult it is to make my core do what it once could with such ease.  Being cut in half, chunked apart, and puzzled together does not a strong core make.  I've lost my metabolism, the ease of weight loss {if that even exists!}, and the life of a 30-something without the worry of early menopause.  Cancer also took away some freedom and peace of mind--I can no longer live without the thought of being vigilant against recurrence.  Yes, much was taken, but all was not lost.

Fighting the fight and winning my cancer battle renewed, reclaimed, and awakened more in me than it ever took away.  I learned more in that 15 months of fighting than I ever could otherwise.  Experience is the best teacher, often the only one for certain lessons.  Humility, empathy, true gratitude, fortitude, asking for and accepting service from others, deeper faith, endurance, leaning on the power of the atonement, an abandonment of procrastination, a switch from "the glass half empty" to "finding the silver linings," and striving to not merely survive, but to thrive are just a few of the lessons cancer taught me.  I am a better wife, mother, friend, and daughter of God knowing what I know and having a deeper purpose for and appreciation of life.  I appreciate hardships in the life of others, without comparing theirs to mine.  Each one of us has unique lessons, on distinct paths, at particular moments in this life.  Looking back, part of me wishes this shadow never crossed my doorstep, but part of me is grateful to be presented a trial I was able to overcome in this life and not some other great loss or struggle.  Because of what I have lost, I often have to work harder, stronger, or differently than before, but what a shift in perspective I have gained!  Overcoming doesn't erase the battle or the scars, but it increases hope and opens new doors.  Without cancer, we might not have felt a need to seek a change in direction that led us to a new home and new opportunities.  Yes, I have been truly blessed, and these blessings spill over to more than eradicate feelings of sorrow for the losses.

In retrospection, the question of "WHY?" still slips in.  Why did this have to happen----to me? to us? at all? Yes, a case may be made that it happened because I am strong enough to fight.  There were things I needed to learn.  There were changes we needed to make.  "Why?" can be a dangerous thing because there are some answers upon which we can only speculate.  Dwelling too much on the "Why?" highlights the losses and doesn't celebrate the immeasurable blessings.  All we need to know is that we are loved, there is a plan for each of us, and whatever we are called upon to endure, there will be a way made for us to bear it.  I am reminded of a scripture from 1 Corinthians 10:13: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."  I like to think the same law applies to trials/tribulations as to temptations.  There is nothing we might face that a way will be made for us to endure and overcome.  Perhaps the "Why?" is best answered, "because HE loves us."

There is much to be said for living with optimism.  I didn't always do that B.C.  Now, I try to see the good.  I try to recognize the silver linings that have always been there.  I remember that each day is a gift, a blessing, and a chance to start over again at becoming closer to the person I want to be.  I try to remember the positive when times are tough and the memory of what was stolen begins to evoke feelings of powerlessness.  Our Father in Heaven knows us and loves us.  "Everything will be alright in the end, so if it's not alright, it's not the end."