A Range of Emotions

I've been going through several steps of the grieving process for the last few days.  There was the initial shock/denial upon first hearing that the MRI found metastatic legions in addition to the fractures we were trying to find.  (This can't be!  How could this have happened?  Are you serious???)

I've been angry.

How in the world did my doctors miss this?  I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do!!!!!  I even went BEYOND with further preventative measures than I HAD to do.  I had a bilateral mastectomy, which was supposed to give me a 98% removal of breast tissue and therefore a 98% chance that my breast cancer would not return.  I took Tamoxifen, even when I hated the side effects!  I stuck to my low-calorie diet almost religiously---Dr. Naqvi wanted me to only eat 1,000 calories/day, and I stayed around 1100.  I gave up sodas.  I started working out almost everyday.

How could ALL of those doctors missed this???  I've been to the ER 3 times in 2 months.  I've been in the hospital.  I've had ultrasounds, surgeries, follow-ups, assessments, and MY ONE-YEAR CANCER-FREE appointment!!!!  It took a FALL and a follow-up trip to a pain doctor for SOMEONE to suggest an MRI.  Shouldn't there have been red flags going off?  I have a history of breast cancer, for crying out loud!!!!  How did that CT scan I had in March not find ANY signs?   Why didn't anyone connect the dots that all of this pain---especially in someone who has a crazy high pain threshold---should set off alarms?

I feel frustrated that I have worked so hard to fight and become a survivor, only to have one good year  and have to start all over again.

I've been sad.  Mostly the sadness surrounds my family.  I don't want to leave them alone!  I have so much more that I want to do!  I want to teach my boys to be hard-working, honest, caring, considerate, kind, funny, intelligent young men.  I want to prepare them to go out into the world and do something great with their lives.  They are so young to be without a mom--so young that I'm afraid they will have no real memories of me as the years pass, only those fuzzy memories that are just from pictures and stories you've been told.  My boys need me!

I'm sad for Stephen.  How hard it is to be the spouse of a terminally ill person.  He wants to be supportive and helpful, but he needs support, too.  He's scared and angry and sad, too.  We have so many goals and dreams.  How will we fit a lifetime of experiences into such a short amount of time?  How will he find the time and energy to take over being both dad and mom?  How will he stay strong for the boys when he is alone and grieving?

After the tears stop, all these emotions go back to faith.  No one knows how much time they have left to live.  We don't even know the full scope of my disease.  I could live 5 years or perhaps up to 15, or much less.  At this point, we are all just guessing.  When it comes down to it, there are ways to make every moment--every second of every day count.  There are small miracles and silver linings in every day.  Instead of focusing on the anger and sadness, I am looking for the tender mercies.  I am understanding how little control we have over this thing we call time, and that all we can do is rely fully on the power of faith and the promise of our Savior that when we take his yoke upon us, there is nothing we can't bear.  

I also feel grateful and happy.  I am reminded of that feeling from my first diagnosis.  I was sad and angry and scared, but also felt peace and love.


Friends and family step up in times of great need.  I have an amazing support group, and I can see how that will only get stronger and larger as this journey continues.  How can I not feel blessed when I've already had so many acts of service and kindness and I've only been re-diagnosed for 5 days? It's an overwhelming outpouring of love, and I am so grateful.
 

I have not quite dipped into depression and am not yet trying to bargain with God, but I haven't reached a level of acceptance.  Yes, I have this.  No, I'm not happy about it.  I haven't yet cried all my tears, but I am going to fight with all I have to overcome this----AGAIN!  I keep trying to channel the strength and determination of this girl.  I did this once, and I can do it again!  Never give up.  Never stop improving!

P.S.  The first time around, I was driving home from one of the early appointments with my doctor and heard the song Try, by Pink.  That became a theme and an inspiration for my battle, to get up and keep trying.  Today, driving home I heard a song called Fight Song, by Rachel Platten.  I think that will be my battle cry for this time around.

The words are amazing, and the music is quite empowering.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Know I've still got a lot of fight left in me