Leave it to Fleener--H&P #7

Back at it again.  

Coming back from Hawaii has been hard. Just returning to life away from the beach is less than perfect, but in the week we came home, I had chemo, cub scouts pinewood derby (kill me now), child-made plumbing issues, a child who choked on a rock and required the heimlich, a women's conference speech to prepare and give, all with many LOONG days of work for Stephen, which put me as mostly a single parent.  In the last few weeks, there have been a wave of end-of-year school activities, a quick, 3-day trip out of town, a dermatologist appoint, the usual soccer practices and games, as well as an attempt to rearrange and deep clean my house.  Basically, I feel like I've barely been keeping my head above water, so it's been difficult to even think about updating this blog (or our family one, for that matter.)  

If there's one thing I've learned about fighting cancer, it's that life most certainly does not slow down to accommodate that fight.  We have to step up and meet it, realizing that there will be things that will fall aside or slip through the cracks.  It's true that no one can do everything, but somehow all the important things get done. 

I met with Dr. Fleener today.  She was excited that I'm still in remission (and somewhat annoyed that the reports said, only "stable."  Cancer patients need to hear that they are in remission. )  My ECHO is still normal, as well.  At this point, she is very happy with how I have responded to chemo and how I am still remaining "stable."  It's hard to believe I'm coming up on a year since this all came back again!  But, she is positive that I'll make it to a year this time, and that's a BIG milestone for metastatic disease.  She was describing several of her other patients that are in similar situations as I am.  There really isn't a lot of information available on the use of Herceptin and Perjeta beyond three years, and she has several patients beyond that stage.  These are meant for use with lifelong maintenance, but most of those "life-long" timetables don't last beyond a few years.  It's fun being somewhat of a lab rat, but comforting that I'm not her only rat!  You just never know what's around the corner!  

I never dreamed I'd have cancer at age 33.  

I thought my battle was behind me when I reached my first year in remission.

I certainly never expected to have to start fighting again so soon since the last battle.  

However, I'm still here.  I'm still fighting.  I still matter, and life goes on.  

Yes, there are hard days.  There are times when I fear.  There are times when I am sad and angry and questioning.   I get nervous about aches and pains that pop up and question when cancer's storm cloud will actually begin storming once more.  There are days when I cry long, heavy tears, weeping for the unknown, for my family, for how long we have before they will have to go on without me, for this burden we all carry at all.  When I do have these days, I then get even more upset at myself for allowing the fear and doubts to creep in and overtake the peace and comfort that has blessed my life many times before.  Guilt over shrinking can make the pain that much more difficult.  

Then, I come across words that must have been written just for me:  

    

EMBRACE THE LIFE YOU HAVE.  I would rather be known for doing as much good with the time I have been given than for only grieving what could have been.  If I could go back, surely I would choose to not have cancer.  However, if that meant having to deal with some other tragedy, one for which I was even less prepared, I'm not sure I would make a trade.   Who knows why we must walk these difficult paths.  Who knows if there were choices in the past that led us to these exact points in the future.  All we can know if that we can embrace each moment, trust that every day of life is truly a gift, one in which we are expected to do and become better than we were the day before.  

As Dr. Fleener counseled me:  "You never know what the next summer [or month, season, etc.] will bring.  So, play this summer.  Soak it all in.  Do as much as you feel up to doing."  That pretty much sums up how I plan to embrace my life in the coming months.  

Still kicking'!