Inked

I can cross "getting a tattoo" off my bucket list. Today, I got two of them, but they will never be seen by most people. I'm now a person with hidden tats!

The final step of my breast reconstruction involved the tattooing of the areola around my constructed nipples. Even though I don't have much sensation in that area anymore, I was instructed to use numbing cream before the procedure.  Once I got to the office, they measured and marked me up. Then came the process of mixing a color. We wanted to get just the right balance of brown and pink, using my natural coloring before surgery as a guide. After the color was right, it was time to ink away. My skin is pretty sensitive, which means it took the color well, but also bled quite a bit.  Because of that, the nurse wasn't able to do one final pass over the left side.  I might have to go back for touch-ups if I'm not happy after the saturation fades. 

What a journey it has been to complete this surgery!  They asked me today about my overall experience, and I know I made the right decision to go with Dr. Boutros. I have been so happy with the results. However, I was in no way prepared for the severity of the surgery. I was not sufficiently humbled about the recovery, the pain, my inability to function for a significant length of time, the emotional roller coaster accompanied with that recovery, the costs, and the overall length of time required. I would not choose a different path, but I wish I had understood a little more about what to expect. 

So many of the steps of this process are all coming to an end. There has been so much waiting and trudging along and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I've finished chemo. I'm through with surgery. My breasts are totally reconstructed. I get my port out next week. I'll do labs on the 20th and have my official date of freedom on the 27th. It's really happening, and I don't even feel like I'm jinxing it by talking about it. 

Because I'm that confident, bold, and daring.  I've got tattoos, remember?

All ready for tattoos---there's the machine behind me. 

Katie did a great job!  

Hooray for easy procedures!

Tuesdays with{out} Naqvi

 A whole week has gone by since I finished my last chemo!

I kept meaning to post these pictures of my cancer team, but the week has been BEYOND crazy.

Here are some of the people who helped me on my way to being a cancer SURVIVOR!!!

Dr. Naqvi:

Jane and Lily.  Jane was at the practice when I started last year, left for a few months, and now is back.  It's like the circle of life.

There have been 2 other nurses who helped in my treatment process, but these 2 have been there from the beginning and saw me to the end!!

What a great feeling it is to be done!!!! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #51, 52--LAST TREATMENT!!!!!

We made it!  Today is the day of my very last treatment on this breast cancer journey.  This road has been long, bumpy, difficult, full of twists and unexpected turns and delays.  There have been days that I did not want to keep going and thought I would never make it to the end.  Today, I am ready to make a turn and keep moving forward on another path, with renewed goals, strength, and faith.  I am humbled at the service, love, and support that my family and I have received.  There have been many, MANY times that we were only able to keep moving forward because you carried us.  This has been a journey of many and a journey of personal faith.  

Much of last year was a strenuous and steep climb.  Out of necessity, there were months upon months that my family was unable to do much in the way of "normal" activities.  We cut out sports, chose to not attend many outings in which we would come in contact with germs, and even church.  We were basically absent from our weekly meetings for half of the year between my lack of an immune system, extreme nausea, hospital stays and surgeries, inability to get out of bed, or just complete exhaustion.  Even though there were moments that I was grateful for the day of rest and the ability to just stay home, I missed the weekly renewal and blessings from regular church attendance.  

When I was finally healthy enough to start going back, the difference was made even more apparent.  I will never forget one meeting, when I was finally able to go back after being absent for months.  We had a disscusion on  the topic of conversion.  What is it?   In a nutshell: changing one’s beliefs, heart, and life to accept and conform to the will of God.   During the discussion, someone said that they were actually jealous, at times, of people who had made the decision to be baptized later in life, "converts," because they could pinpoint when they were converted.  For those who had been raised in a church, baptized in childhood, and continued to attend, it wasn't so easy to know.  I remember having a different opinion, as I only have a few memories of my childhood baptism, but I can exactly remember times in my life where I know I became converted and had a testimony.  

One occured when I was 18 years old.  I was making choices that were not leading me in a positive direction--spiritually, educationally, and in life in general.  I woke up one morning and knew immediately that I needed to make some changes.  It was almost like lightning striking.  My heart was changed and my path along with it.  I can look back to that exact moment in my history and see how very different my life would've been if I hadn't made the decision to be converted.  

Back to the discussion at that church meeting, someone mentioned that when we have questions or are not sure of our testimony of something, Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet, taught to perform and experiment of faith.  

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 32:27)

He goes on to discuss how if we even plant a tiny seed or particle of faith in something in our hearts and truly look for that seed to bloom, we will be able to see if it is good or bad.  

Although it is not the experiment I had planned, and not one I would recommend, I realized that out of necessity, much of the year had been an experiment on being converted.  Was I converted to my faith in Jesus Christ?  Was I converted to faithful church attendance?  Did I believe that I am blessed and loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior, even in the midst of terrible trials?  Being unable to attend church, renew convenants, feel the spirit there, or receive those blessings from going was an experiment that cancer provided, an eye-opening one at that.  The difference in life was visible.  At 34 years old, I now had another moment to pinpoint in my conversion story.  

Why should we be converted?  Why not just do our best and not worry about the rest?  Why not just simply try to be a good person and hope that things all work out?  In Acts, we read:   

   19 ¶Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord; (New Testament, Acts, Chapter 3)

Knowing that you are on the Lord's side, that you have a humble heart, that you are trying to keep the commandments and do what is right, that you repent of your sins and come unto Christ, those are a few of the reasons I see on the importance of being converted.  For me, it is not enough to just float through life, seeing where the wind and waves take you.  For the wind is not always a gentle breeze and the waves are not always calm.  If you are not converted before the storms hit, how much easier it is to become blown away and lost.  Being firmly planted on solid ground, on the rock of our Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, is how I have made it through many of life's storms.     

Beyond just having faith and believing that He will bless me, I have learned that He does strengthen us.  He is able to bless us enough to withstand all afflictions. If we come unto Him and be converted, he will not only bless us for our faith, but many scriptures talk of how He will not only bless us, but he will HEAL us.  

 15 For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. (New Testament, Matthew, Chapter 13)

Sometimes, we are healed physically.  Sometimes, we lose physical battles, but we are healed emotionally.  We can't always understand why trials come our way or why they are not always healed in the ways we would chose, but we are promised that being converted in our faith in Jesus Christ will heal us.  

I have grown stronger in my faith and understanding our how faith can strengthen us to overcome impossible tasks.  I have overcome many trials and not on my own.  I have been healed of cancer, being more fortunate than many others who have lost their battles.  I am grateful for my strength, the love of family and friends, and for the blessings of being even more converted after my experiment of faith over the last 15+ months.  

Hopefully the journey my being able to share some of my experiences have strengthened some of you, for I have attempted to follow these words: 

 

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. (New Testament, Luke, Chapter 22)

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #49, 50

Remember when I said that April would be the month I finish chemo?  That statement was prefaced with something like, "as long as everything goes according to plan."  I don't know why I ever allow myself to think that a plan for my life would ever just fall into place!  

As I was explaining how excited I am about only having one more chemo after this, my nurse wasn't so sure about those numbers.  She went to look in the records and came back with the bad news that the computer is telling them that I still have 2 more days of chemo--one double dose on April 29th and a single dose in May.  WHAT!?!  

Apparently, back in August, I was scheduled for a double dose of Herceptin to give me a week off to recover from my mastectomy/reconstruction.  I remember thinking, "Why don't I just have a double dose every time?"  Unfortunately, their notes for that day show that I was only charged for a singe dose.  And the nurse that made those notes was fired.  Talk about a balloon buster.  

I've kept my own records of dates and treatments, and I specifically remember being scheduled for that double dose.  All of their records indicate that I wasn't given the correct dosage.  So, what do I do????  

The decision is in my hands.  Either, I go with what I rememeber happening in my own treatment, what I've recorded, and what I've been counting on in my brain.  Or, I have one extra single dose in May.  Is it worth having an extra dose just to cover all the bases?  If I go with what I really want to do and be done next time will I always wonder if I did enough to treat this disease?  Surely, one dose can't make all that much of a difference, right?  I think I'll finish up next time, and just have doses 51, 52*.  If keeping records with an asterisk can work for baseball, it can work my for my chemo.  

Seriously, why can't things just go according plan?????  

*******Dr. Naqvi just contacted the company the provides the drugs, and their records indicate that MY records are correct.  Thank goodness!!!!  I won't have to live the rest of my life with a Herceptin asterisk.  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #47,48

In so many ways I cannot believe it, but I can finally say that THIS IS THE MONTH that I will finish chemo!!!!!!!  If everything goes according to plan, which it rarely does in my case, April 2014 is the month I finally receive my last dose of chemotherapy. 

When this whole process started, I heard several times something along the lines of, "it's a year out of your life," or "this will take everything you have for a year, but you'll make it."  These comments always reminded me of being down in the Pit of Despair, hooked up to "the machine" and having a year of my life "sucked away," Princess Bride Style.  Well, a year is bad enough, but people lied to me!  52 weekly doses of Herceptin, not able to be administered for 3 months with FEC, plus extra time for weeks of low WBC counts and recovering from surgeries......a "year" has turned into an actual 16 total months until I'm officially cancer-free.    Even with the extra time and added set backs to the originally assumed time frame, I am so grateful to have made it to this point in the process.  It's almost as if I'm just coasting now, especially when compared to some of the steps of treatment last year.  I've made it through the steep and rocky paths and now just have to endure to the end.  

As my nurse was hooking me up today, she commented on how close I am to being finished.  "You're going to miss us!  You won't miss coming here, but you'll miss us.  You'll finally have your life back."  I will miss them!  I'll miss having that place I go where everybody knows my name and their job is to make me well.  I'll miss the forced naps.  I'll miss the legitimate medical excuses for being too fat.  I'll miss the reflection time and testimony-building experiences.  I'll miss the feeling of added blessings that come from relying on The Lord during the storms.  Yes, I will miss many things, but I am ready to have my life back.  

Soon this will just be another one of life's experiences.  People will be sick of me talking about it and relating everything to cancer.  I will have my life back and will be able to live without this cloud of cancer trying to block out the light.  I will probably always have scars--both physical and mental--remnants of my battle with cancer, but scars are evidence of experiences, and they will serve as a reminder of what I have to look forward to and not just what has been lost.  

This has been one of many storms in my life.  I've had many other challenging experiences to overcome, and I am sure that there will be many more in the years to come.  I thought I had learned about patience, humility, charity, and understanding the Lord's timing over and over again.  However, this storm has been a big one.  Similarly, as I speak with others about their own personal trials, I am coming more and more to believe that each one of us will--at least at one point in our lifes---experience something that truly brings us to our knees.  There is going to be some trial, some loss, some grief, some experience with children, some loneliness, some depression, some illness, some frustration, some major life storm that will shake us to the core, compel us to be humble, and create within us new understanding of conversion and concentrating on what is truly important.  

So much of life is inconsequential, "treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where theives break through and steal." {matt. 6:19}  I truly believe that God wants to bless us and allow us to prosper, but so much of whether these "treasures" become a blessing or a curse lies in perspective and attitude.  Does pride take over and we forget to be grateful?  Do we get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that we forget to nourish personal testimony and strengthen family?  We are told to  "lay up....treasures in heaven," to "seek...first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  {matt 6:20, 33}  At some point--and perhaps over and over again--we must learn how to balance this earthly life with the eternal, and often the storms of life help shift our perspective.  

God's timing is not our timing, for we are bound by mortality, and He is eternal.  Science cannot completely explain it.  The math does not add up.  When we are in the most terrible storms and at the weakest points, we can often become the strongest.  When trials and sorrows would seek to overtake us, having faith and relying on the Savior will add up to more strength than we ever knew was possible.  The time that seems to tick slowly by can become but a blink.  The windows of heaven are opened up, and blessings are poured out.  And even when some of life's trials are not removed from our lives, we become changed, strong enough to withstand the strongest of storms, for as long as it takes, all through learning faith and leaning on The Lord, whether for a year, for 16 months, or until the end.  "For with God all things are possible." {mark 10:27}       

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #45, 46

One of my favorite lines from The Sound of Music has always been, "When The Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  

This one quote could probably sum up my entire life story, seeing as doors in the hallway of my plans are constantly shutting and new pathways are opened up.  Stephen and I often joke about how many plans we've made over the years and how we have not only had to come up with a "Plan B," but also plans C, D, E, and so on.....We make goals and work toward them, but often our plans and our ideas come to an end in some way.  What we thought was the best course of action often ends in a dead end.  Doors are often shut.  

There are a few ways to deal with the frustration and disappointment that comes with doors being closed: the end of dreams, the realization that what we thought we wanted or what we had planned is not going to come to pass.  We could become discouraged and give up, always asking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" or "What have I done to deserve this?"  We could quit trying.  We could look at the world through pessimistic eyes, knowing that no matter what we do or how hard we try, nothing is ever going to go our way.  We could lose faith in a Father in Heaven who is supposed to love and bless His children, all the while questioning our purpose on this earth.  We could beat our heads against that closed door, but that serves no purpose other than causing more pain.  Helen Keller said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Instead of staring at those closed doors and hating the world because of them, we could pick ourselves up, turn, and keep going.  The light from the new windows or doors that often open for us can reveal previously unseen opportunities.  We could look past the hurt/discouragement/diappointment/fear and find a new direction.  Often, the new paths that are opened up for us offer more blessings and experiences than we could have guessed were possible.  

Two years ago, Stephen and I were finally on our way.  Three healthy boys had been born to our family, something we once thought might never happen.  We bought our first home in a beautiful neighborhood, with great neighbors, and bought that particular home because of the area, the schools, and the long-term benefits.  We planned to stay and put down roots.  Almost a year into that current plan, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Slam!  That door of happiness shut.  I still remember one day of feeling so totally lost and in despair that I cried until I could cry no more.  But after that, I saw the light from an open window and realized that I had to keep going.  I would find happiness and joy, even when my path was altered by unforseen events.  I couldn't keep moving and see the blessings The Lord had in store for us if I sat and stared at that closed door, wishing to go back to the past.  So, we all stepped into the unknown and started a new journey.  

Soon, this cancer journey will come to a close, and we will be on to the next chapter.  The Lord has opened up some amazing opportunities for us, paths we probably would never have seen if we had not experienced the struggle and heart break of the past year.  Odd enough, part of me is going to be sad to close this chapter.  I will miss the reflection, the comradery, the increased purpose to fight for life.  I will miss the experience of sharing my thoughts on the journey.  I will miss the platform.  Even though those closest to me will always remember what we overcame, soon there will be no more evidence of my struggle than a few hidden scars.  I'm now going to have to learn how to simply return back to "normal" life, and even that will take some getting used to.  I think I've finally learned how to be thankful for this trial and how to recognize the blessings it has brought into my life.   Going through the door of cancer has opened up more windows than we knew we had, and I know The Lord has had a hand in all of it.  

  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #43,44

I had a heart check this morning.  Medically speaking, my heart is holding strong through this process.  I am supposed to have an echo every 2 months, so I just might be able to avoid another one before the end of this chemo, and it seems like prayers have been answered for my heart to remain unaffected by the possible side effect of cardiomyopathy.  If all things stay on track---which they rarely do for me---I just might make it.  Or, I could have to do things the hard way, like usual.   

Figuratively, my heart has been in better places.  I'm so over chemo, over the hassle, over the stress of coming here, taking the boys there, rushing and fussing to get out the door in time to make it to extra appointments and early drop-offs.  It's getting old. And freezing rain in March, in HOUSTON, isn't helping.  I feel quite BLAH today.  However, just when I get to the end of that rope and start to complain, I'm subtly reminded that things could be worse and I can do hard things.  {Even though my boys knocked my framed copy of this saying off the wall this morning and busted it into pieces.  Omen?}

Even before today's heart checkup, I've been pondering the topic of hearts.  Between Valentine's Day and a program at church with the theme, "A Heart Like His," for which I was a speaker, hearts have been on my mind.  

All through my scriptures, I've highlighted in pink any verse that mentions heart.  Pink has a new meaning in my life and has come to represent more than just a favorite color or a symbol of love.  As I read these pink verses of scripture, I'm reminded over and over of the spiritual emphasis placed on this organ.  Our hearts become the figurative description of our mind and will, a symbol for all emotions.  This concept defies all logic and science.  It would seem that emotions, thoughts, decisions, and will should take place in the brain, the epicenter of our physical bodies.  However, the Lord looks on the heart.  

From various scriptures, we are told that our hearts can be foolish, rebellious, hardened, stirred up to evil, prideful, wicked, fearful, or blind, among other negative descriptors.  Or, our hearts can be willing, softened, open, understanding, upright, glad, pure, merry, honest, good, changed, and ultimately perfect.  The only way to reach this perfection of heart is to come unto Christ.  

Ever remember being asked if you've experienced a mighty change of heart?  Why would our hearts need to change?  Not to beat stronger or grow in size, but to turn and become converted, which happens when we make the decision in life to align our hearts with the will of our Father in Heaven.  In the world, a broken heart is a terrible thing, usually the result of a break-up or a lost love.  Spiritually, we've been told that a broken heart is desirable, not sad at all.  Having a broken heart and contrite spirit means that we are meek, humble, and receptive to God's will.  This is a hard concept for those, like me, who tend toward the naturally strong-willed and stubborn side.  Breaking a heart into humility isn't always easy.  Sometimes, it only happens through our trials.   

At baptism, we are asked to take upon us the name of Christ, to make a place for Him in our hearts.  From there on, we strive to keep the commandments and to become more like Him, and the place we made in our hearts becomes more aligned with His will.  Our hearts begin to turn.

As we strive to have a heart more like the Savior's, we take on His qualities.  Such examples of having a heart like His include a forgiving heart, a loving heart, a kind heart, a heart of faith, an understanding heart, a heart of charity, a heart of integrity, a heart of virtue.  It takes work to turn our hearts and make them more perfect.  We also have to learn to sometimes let go of logic and reason and rely on faith.  There are times when we can feel love not only in our minds, but truly in our hearts.  

If my heart can survive a year of chemo, I can only imagine what I could do if it could be truly broken.  

   

 How I feel today:

How I SHOULD feel today:  

I'm wishing on a star and clicking my ruby Minnie Ears and repeating, "There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney."