Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #41,42

I was deeply touched by a loving comment made to me at church this past Sunday. 

"Sister Cooper, may I tell you something without it embarrassing you?" he asked, cautiously. "I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me. I see all that you've been through and all you do and am so impressed with your positive attitude."  It was his tear-filled eyes that touched me so.  

What have I really done to be an inspiration? We all have adversity, tragedies, hardships, times of trial, loss, sadness, grief, pain, and challenges.  Mine is no different from yours, on a grand scheme; only the specific details vary. Perhaps I have come to see opposition in all things for what it is--learning opportunities and growth-- and to seek the joy. Joy truly can exist with the sorrow.  I have been strengthened and uplifted and blessed, even if just blessed to recognize the small miracles and tender mercies for what they are---ever present. I have a better understanding of pain and loss, but also humility and gratitude. I see the miracles in the little things. 

The little things can be great blessings. Things I took for granted, or even cursed before, have new light. I can wear a real bra again, and a bigger one than before!  I have enough hair to pull back in a tiny bunch, secured with bobby pins! 

I have the strength and stomach to clean my own toilets, to change the sheets on the bunk bed, and to---gasp---actually find the joy in doing my own dishes!  Lest you think I'm a saint, moments from transfiguration, I have yet to rejoice in meal planning and grocery shopping, and I still get so frustrated at those mommy moments of finding an entire dresser and closet of clothes emptied all over a bedroom on the morning we most need to leave the house on time, or juice spilled for the 17th time on the freshly mopped floors, and all the other, lovely, "deep breath" moments that accompany parenting young children.  However, I have learned a little more how to cherish all the moments I'm given.  I am even more grateful for the ways in which my experiences with the adversity of cancer have blessed my young sons. They are quick to forgive, more cognizant of mommy's "boo-boos," freely giving of those cherished, "I love you's," and even offer to kiss ME better when they know I'm not feeling well.  There are truly miracles in the little things. 

In our adversity, some of the biggest challenges lie in the often unanswered "whys?"  Grief and pain can be compounded in the times when we wonder if there was anything we could've done to avoid our trials, anything that would've prevented tradegy from befalling us. Through this experience, I've learned that sometimes terrible things just happen. But, they teach us to cling to our blessings, to seek out ways to comfort others in their grief, to realize that God's blessing of easing burdens and lightening yokes most often doesn't mean simply taking them away and keeping us from adversity, but that He will strengthen us and provide ways for us to bear the burdens placed on our shoulders. 

If I have been an inspiration to anyone because of how I've faced this journey, it is only because I have been blessed to pass through this challenge with faith that The Lord is on my side. All of those little blessings, day by day, add up to so much greatness, and none of it is done alone. 

Another Surgery

I have new nipples! 

This morning I went in for the next step of my breast reconstruction and came out one step closer to finishing the process.  I was in at 7:30 and out and awake by 9:00!  Nailed that surgery!

The original plan should've had my breasts all finished this month, but complications and too many adjustments meant that I would need one additional procedure to complete the nipples before the final tattoos. Thankfully, my doctor listened to my concerns about finances and the additional costs and agreed to do this surgery in his office. (It was hard to NOT hear my concerns through the blubbering tears!). 

We made it to dr. B's office, and started with my least favorite part of any medical procedure: the IV!  I've joked about having Stephen start one before I even come in, having them just access my port, and other options to ease this process. I don't know what it is about me, but I ALWAYS seem to have problems and pain with IVs. Luckily, I only needed a 22 (small needle) and had a nurse with LOTS of IV experience!  Having that go smoothly and painlessly was a good omen. 

Dr.  B came in to draw on me, and was VERY pleased with his handiwork. He asked if I thought they were too big, if I was happy, etc.  He said he was very happy and thought they looked great. He marked the place for the new nipples and a place in my ear for more cartilage, if needed. 

I met with the anesthesiologist, and he asked the standard questions. Then, he asked one that made me smile: "What are you having done today, some lypo?"  

"No, nipple reconstruction."  (But I wanted to say, "What are you saying? You just assume it's lypo?"  I didn't. Don't want to mess with the man with the good drugs!)

I said goodbye to Stephen, walked across the hall into the operating room, and had a nice nap. When I woke up, I was bandaged up, dressed, and ready to go. 

Now I'm home and ready to rest. We'll get to take the bandages off tomorrow. How's that for a Valentine's Day present?  Look, but don't touch!

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Herceptin #39,40

It's World Cancer Day, and I'm in the chemo chair. For all those who have felt the effects of cancer, whether through a personal battle or a fight of a loved one, there's some comfort in knowing that we are not alone. If fighting this fight has taught me anything, it is that I am strong enough to beat cancer, but so much stronger with the support of family and friends.

I never expected cancer to hit me when it did.  I wasn't prepared in many ways.  But, my life has been full of many unexpected twists and turns, so I've come to expect the unexpected in general. Whenever I feel like I'm finally in a good place and finally figuring things out, something in the plan changes. 

I came across this image not long ago and couldn't have described my life much better. I would've possibly added sharks, a broken bridge, a glass wall, a few detours and construction zones, and some flats tires/busted chains, but this is really close to my truth.

If you asked me 2 years ago, we were finally on a pretty smooth path.  Stephen was finally done with school, and loved his job.  We made it past the stumbling blocks of an unexpected pregnancy and fighting the IRS, saved enough money to buy our first home, and had 3 healthy boys.  After ups and downs and twists and turns, we were going to enjoy a little time of rest to catch up and get ahead. We'd joked many times before about how we had gone WAY past "plan B," and were actually closer to "plan FF," having used the entire alphabet of life plans and still going. It seemed, however, that finally one of our plans actually came to pass as expected! 

We'd simply reached a false summit.

There's something rather defeating about making plans and progressing toward dreams, but never quite reaching them. To have a goal-oriented mindset, to be moving forward, only to stumble and have those goals always lie just out of reach can be discouraging. 

Perhaps our goals and our plans had always been just that--OUR goals and OUR plans. Maybe they didn't always match up perfectly with GOD'S plans FOR us, so He had to keep recalculating and redirecting until we finally caught on.  Sometimes being forced to stop and reevaluate is just what you need to keep going.   Cancer definitely did that for us and forced us to see the world differently.

So, here we are: Deeper in debt, yet stronger in faith; Further from goals of paying off student loans, but closer to each other; Frustrated about the time wasted, but grateful for every minute of life we are still blessed to enjoy; Broken down to be built back up. 

We can plan and plan, but reality can take us somewhere completely different. What matters is that we keep moving forward. Even if we lose balance and fall, we are never truly down as long as we get back up and get going. 

Speaking of getting going and keeping moving forward, a friend of mine is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk for breast cancer.  She's walking in my name, and I am honored.  There is so much love and support to be found in such an awful journey.  If you feel so inclined, please visit her website and learn more! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #37, 38

I had the chance to teach a lesson to the Young Women of our congregation on the topic of Personal Progress.  There is a specific program in our church called Personal Progress in which the girls make goals, pass off experiences, and complete projects in the areas of 8 specific values, but progress is a topic for everyone.  I LOVE the motto "Never Stop Improving," because it's a great mission statement for life.  None of us is perfect.  Each of us has areas to improve.  We are here to learn, grow, change, experience, serve, adapt, prepare, perfect, and progress.  January is a perfect time to evaluate and set goals on areas of progression for the year, so it was perfect timing for this topic.  I'm not going to share my whole lesson, but I think a discussion on personal growth is valuable and relates to the journey through trials.

The Parable of The Pebbles:  {Shayne M. Bowen}

One night in ancient times, three horsemen were riding across a desert. As they crossed the dry bed of a river, out of the darkness a voice called, “Halt!” They obeyed. The voice then told them to dismount, to pick up handfuls of pebbles, put the pebbles in their pockets, and remount. The horsemen followed the instruction.

The voice then said, “If you have done as I commanded, tomorrow at sunup you will be both glad and sorry.” The horsemen rode on. When the sun rose, they reached into their pockets and found that a miracle had happened. The pebbles had been transformed into diamonds and other precious stones.

The horsemen remembered the warning that they would be both glad and sorry. They were glad they had taken some pebbles, sorry they had not taken more.

I LOVE parables!  The stories are short and sweet.  The messages are deep and lasting.  In this parable of pebbles, we compare the small stones to the small, everyday acts we do that help us slowly improve and progress.  Personal progress becomes precious possessions, one pebble at a time.  Bowen says, "The world would have you believe that the values of faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue are insignificant pebbles in a modern world. That is not true. “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."  When we do small and simple things, making these positive changes in life, great things can come about.  

Sometimes we underestimate the value of the precious pebbles that God places in our paths.   Sometimes we curse the stumbling blocks that are there to test our strength.  However, each time we add to our pockets, we collect more material to be transformed.  These pebbles may seem small and insignificant, but in reality they are treasures of eternal worth.

It's important to not be discouraged, overwhelmed, or to compare our experiences and our progress with others.  Progress is a personal thing.  Each of us has individual and natural strengths and weaknesses.  We are all on different points in the path.  We won't all collect the same pebbles, the same amount of pebbles, or pebbles at the same time.  However, making goals and reaching them--collecting the pebbles of self improvement--will pay off for each of us when they are combined to make our personal treasures.  Real progress is made by following the pattern of small, consistent, positive actions.  We become great not all at once, but by discovering areas in which we should progress, making goals in those areas, and continuing to accomplish those great things consistently.  I love how Thomas S. Monson puts it:  "learn what we should learn, do what we should do, and be what we should be."

As I think about my own personal progress, the goals I am working on, and those I want to achieve, I realize more and more that the small steps added together can take us on great journeys.  I chip away at chemo.  I work on small goals everyday to keep my house clean and organized.  I start with small projects that can be easily completed.  I try to do a little bit each day to improve myself or strengthen a talent or help someone else.  After a bit of time has passed, I'll be able to look back and see the priceless treasures I've accumulated, one pebble at a time.  

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago today, my life changed forever.  When my doctor called on that Thursday, earlier than the projected 72 hours needed for results from my biopsy, we knew something wasn't right.  Still, in that instant when she announced, "It's cancer," I knew I would never be the same again.

In my short history, I can recall only a handful of other dates in which I can pinpoint the exact moment my life as I knew it would be forever changed.  Among my favorites:  May 31, 2000: 11:00a.m.  I became Mrs. Stephen Cooper and forever a partner, no longer a single;  July 18, 2007: 9:25a.m.  I became a mother, forever giving my all to support a life which I helped create.;  April 9, 2010: 5:23 p.m.  My family grew by one, and my heart expanded to contain the extra love.;  November 11, 2011: 12:42 p.m.  I began to understand the Lord's timing, the miracle of trusting in His plan for me, and knowing beyond any doubt that our family needed this other precious soul to be complete.  Most of the life-changing moments that will be sealed in my memory forever have had an incredibly positive reason for their importance.  Initially, January 17, 2013 was quite the opposite, but it's amazing how tragedy can turn to triumph.

After the initial devastation and shock, after my life ended for a moment in time and I quickly woke back up and realized that I had too many reasons to keep going rather than give up, I knew I had a choice.  I could either let cancer define and destroy me, or I could transform and thrive.  Through the process, I have tried to look for the tender mercies of the Lord, to seek the positive, and to learn what He has planned for me, all while leaning on faith.  It's been a process, but I've learned to shift my perspective.  Being required to overcome has made me realize strengths I didn't know I had and has forced me to use them.     

This year has changed me, but that's what life is all about.  We are here to progress, constantly on the path, practicing perfection.  Physically, my body has undergone destruction and reconstruction, and I feel far from perfect in that aspect.  However, the physical fades; it is the soul that remains. 

"You have cancer," is something I never wanted {or expected} to hear last year, but that moment has now become just another turning point in my life.  Something shocking and scary has become surprisingly instructive and uplifting.  I did not choose this path, but as long as I'm on it, I might as well keep moving forward, getting stronger and continuing on to the next big thing. 
    

           

New Year--New Schedule

I WON'T be going to chemo today.

After weighing my options---including just being done altogether---I've decided to make a change.  On the last chemo of 2013, I actually talked to Dr. Naqvi about just calling it quits. 

"What's the big deal if I just call this my last chemo?" I asked her.
"Not an option," she replied immediately.
"But, I've finished more than half, and I don't even have breasts anymore.  Do I REALLY need to finish Herceptin?"
"Quitting is not an option.  Patients who don't complete the entire cycle have a much higher risk of cancer returning.  It almost always does.  And, it's always Stage 4.  And, it's usually in the brain.  So, you can see that quitting is just not an option.  In fact, now there is actually an additional drug we give patients with your type of chemo.  If I had my way, I would add even MORE onto your treatment plan, but there hasn't been enough testing done for cases like yours when the drugs are not administered at the same initial start time.  So, be glad you ONLY have Herceptin to finish."

"Oh, alright.  I'll be here next week."

At last week's appointment, a possible solution was offered.  Instead of coming every week, which is getting tiring and more and more difficult for making all the arrangements, I've now switched over to going only once every 2 weeks, but receiving a double dose of chemo.  I'll be a little more tired on those days, but I'll have a WHOLE WEEK in the middle with NO CHEMO!  The extra time {and money} this option has presented me is quite freeing.  It's also much easier, mentally, to finish.  Instead of 16 more rounds, I now only have 8.  EIGHT!  I can count the number of times I have to sit in that chemo chair on my fingers.  {It will still take 16 weeks, but I only have to make EIGHT more trips!!!!}

Excuse me, but I'm off to take TWO of my children to school, run errands, do a little shopping, and possibly even have time to make a chemo countdown chain, since  I DON'T have to make another trip to the hospital this week!
  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #36

It's 2014--the year I'll officially BTHO cancer!  In a few months, I'll be done with treatments and surgical procedures and will be able to move forward with a new outlook and a renewed gratitude for life and all its many blessings.  

After all the ups and downs, the difficult and dusty climbs, the setbacks, and the checkpoints in the journey, I've reached a place that is more about maintaining and finishing at a constant pace than struggling and straining with every breath.  I just come every week, receive my chemo, feel a little tired, and get back on with life.  I'll have a few more surgeries to complete the reconstruction of my breasts, but nothing compared to what I've already endured.  I don't want to jinx it or anything, but compared with what I've already experienced, this part feels a little like cruise control.  I still have road left to travel and possible stops along the way, but getting there is much easier than some of the other parts of the trip.  

In thinking about this point in my journey, I was reading from The Book of Mormon yesterday and saw a new light on an old verse.  This verse has always made me chuckle a little, so I remember it well, but I saw it in another way with this reading.  A little background on the story---a group of sisters, most likely popular, wealthy, and living a comfortable life, must leave their home and belongings to go with their family into the wilderness.  They join another family with many sons, marry, and have children in the wilderness----all while struggling to survive, enduring the death of their father, and traveling into the unknown.  Usually this story doesn't focus on the women because their husbands are the main characters.  However, their experience has great meaning to me.  

Here is a portion of their story: 

1 And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 

2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 

3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. (Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi, Chapter 17)

The part of the story that's always stuck out to me before was the part about the women being strong, "even like unto the men," as if that is the best description of strength.  {"If only I could be more like a man,THEN I would be strong," said no woman ever.}  

This time, my focus changed.  These women--with their families--were going through a difficult journey. Nephi described it as having to "wade through much affliction in the wilderness."  Wading is usually associated with strugggling through obstacles, walking with great effort, or moving slowly through mud, water, or other impeding forces.  Wading through much affliction implies great effort and long periods of time.  However, "so great were the blessings of The Lord upon [them]" that they were able to survive and thrive during this period of time.  They were able to live on whatever food they could find.  The women were able to bear children and keep them healthy.  They were strong and blessed.  And, possibly most importantly, "they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings."  Nowhere in this story does it say that The Lord blesses these people by simply removing their challenges.  They don't wake up one  morning, back in their warm beds, realizing that wilderness business was all a bad dream.  Their lives are filed with challenges, but they are able to endure those challenges and eventually learn to do it without complaining.  Why?  Because the blessings of The Lord were "so great" and God did "nourish them, and strenghten them....[and] did provide means for [them]" to do so.  They were able to "accomplish the thing which [the Lord] commanded them," because they were blessed greatly AND because they kept the commandments.  That winning combination allowed them to eventually bear their burdens well.  And, if a miracle as great as women living through challenges without complaining about them could occur, we know that all things are possible!

I can relate to the story of these women.  They were on a difficult journey, one they neither sought out nor desired.  This journey brought great pains, affflictions, difficulites, and challenges to endure.  Eventually, something must have changed in these women.  They became strong and realized their strength.  They began to live and "bear their journeyings without murmurings."  They probably grew in knowledge and experience, learning things about themselves they never knew before.  In all this time, the hard parts of the journey were not removed from their path, but they were blessed enough to make up the difference.    

As I look back on my experience with cancer so far, many parts of it have felt like having to "wade through much affliction."  I've traveled into an unknown wilderness, having to rely on faith, family, and friends to help me through. At times, I've complained and murmured about my lot.  But, I feel as if I'm stronger now. I'm able to see the great blessings in my life. Although my challenges have not been simply removed, I am able to bear them.  I know life has ups and downs, and sometimes the ups outnumber the downs....{is that a song?}. For the times when I'm wading through afflictions instead of coasting on cruise control, I'm going to remember to bear my journeyings without murmurings and know that I am strong enough to endure whatever comes my way, through the great blessings of The Lord.