Happy First Re-Birthday

One year ago I heard the amazing words, "you're cancer free!"  It was a tough road to get to that point in my fight, one that seemed it might never come. 

I look back on the last year of my new life and am surprised by how much I have learned and in how many ways I've changed. It's amazing how much easier the daily stresses can be once you know you've conquered a big one. 

Even when life gets difficult, I know  that we can overcome. 

Inked: Take 2

Today was supposed to be the day I got my areola tattoos redone, but a scheduling conflict meant we had to change it at the last minute to last Wednesday.

After the first attempt didn't turn out AT ALL, I wasn't sure what to do to feel more normal.  My oncologist suggested going to an actual tattoo artist, as that is their profession!  I researched a bit and actually found a local place with good reviews, especially in this exact tattoo.  I called and scheduled a consultation, and felt great about this choice.

In Downtown Bryan, there's a place called Arsenal Tattoo.  Cliff, the owner, and his wife, Stacie, were quite accommodating and so nice!  They were willing to schedule my tattoo after hours or on his day off, so I would have more privacy.  I assured them that I cared more about being able to schedule this on a night Stephen would be able to come with me and be a second opinion, since he wasn't able to attend the last time, and that ended in disaster.  In fact, I never felt uncomfortable during the consultation or actual tattoo---the part that had me blushing was my homework:  to look for examples of what I wanted my finished tattoos to look like!  That was a fun day:  "Stephen, which of these pictures of breasts look most like how I used to look or how I want to look after I'm inked?"  Nipple research is another one of those parts to this whole thing that never crossed my mind beforehand. 

As a background, and for those who might be interested, about a year and a half ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy and immediate reconstruction.  First, all of my breast tissue and my nipples were removed.  To reconstruct breasts, my doctor performed the DIEP Flap procedure, which involves removing skin and fat tissue from the lower abdomen and transferring it to the chest by attaching it in microsurgery.  Here's a diagram of the procedure.  I had this done, only on both sides and with a greater abdominal area used. 

        
 After this initial surgery, I had 2 more surgeries to reshape and reconstruct.  I also had a procedure to reconstruct a nipple.  It went a little like this:

After all of that, I waited 3 additional months before the first attempt at tattoos.  They were originally performed in my plastic surgeon's office, but not by what I consider to be a trained tattoo artist.  The nurse even joked with me that they had been "trained on the tattoo machine" and "it wasn't that hard to make circles."  Let's just say I was less than pleased with the result.  One side looked as if almost nothing had been done and the other looked more like an uneven birth mark.

Enter Cliff at Arsensal:

Tattoo Selfie: 

 During:

 Here is the finished tattoo, immediately after, with the nipple blurred.  The color will change and fade, but already this is 100% better than what I had before. Plus, my scars have healed quite nicely, as if you can barely tell they are there.  {If only the abdomen was this healed!}

I loved the interaction with Cliff during my tattoo, getting to share stories of life and trials.  We talked about religion and God.  We shared experiences in overcoming difficult times and being able to stand as a witness and be a strong example of courage and hope.

I was impressed with his concern and care for me and for his willingness to make me feel comfortable.  He was also so grateful for my willingness to be flexible with his scheduling issue at such short notice that he said he and Stacie had discussed it and weren't going to charge me for the tattoos!  What an amazing act of kindness!

There are still good people in the world, and some of them can be found at places you would least expect.  If I was a tattooing type, I would go back to see some of my newest friends---those on the long list of people I've met along the way in this journey!  

Thursday with Naqvi--Life Lemons Part Two

Let's face it:  life gives you lemons.  Sometimes you are given big ones or lots of them all at once.  This week, I was given the unexpected hassle of ct scans.  This leads to worry and waiting for the results in connection with aches and pains that have no explanation, but always lead my mind back to the big one--CANCER?!?   Whether it's little, sour notes in the background or large quantities of stinging lemon juice in the eye, there are ways to get by: put the lemons to use, find ways to turn them sweet, or to learn to get used to the sour and not let it consume you.  

Let's say life has handed you a lemon or two....or five thousand.  When you carry those lemons around, holding them right up to your face to get a good look at them, all you see in your life is lemons.  You can't see any of the blessings you've also been given, any of the blessings and gifts the Savior also provides, or any of the sweetness of life.  You block out the how you've been strengthened while carrying those lemons, the humility you've developed, or the tender mercies that surely come through times of trial.  If you start simply letting your lemons live in your fruit bowl, out of your immediate view, your perspective shifts.  There is so much more to life than the lemons!

Enduring and overcoming trials is one of the most difficult aspects to this mortal experience.  I don't just think life gives you lemons.  I think life IS lemons, and we are tested to see how we will respond to the sourness.  Will we look for sweetness to make the experience easier to bear?  Will we find other uses for the lemons that can benefit our lives?  Will we realize that sometimes a little lemon juice is just what we needed? Will we help others, teaching them from our own experiences with lemons? Or, will the sour turn our hearts away from the sweet? 

Life gave me a little lemon this week, but I was given sweet surprises, too!  Learning to recognize the sweet is what helps us endure and overcome.  {This drink was SO much better than the awful, banana "shake!"}

I am still learning how to take in all of life's lemons with gratitude.  There are countless ways to stay positive in hard times, but the best one I know is to learn to come unto the Lord.  Sometimes, you just don't want lemons.  Not at all.  But, what we want isn't what we always get, and our Savior is the only one who can understand.  Come unto Him, and I promise your lemons will not seem as sour, as heavy, or as hard.  He knows. 

It's great when the lemons in our life can be put to good use, but sometimes we have to just carry them around.  We might have some sugar and water to make lemonade, but if not......there are ways to keep on going and to carry on.  If trials are removed, what a blessing that is!  But, if not.....things will still work out.  They worked out a little for me today, as my results showed that I do not have cancer.  I still have to consult some other doctors to see what else could be causing some pain, and I just have to live with some pains associated with my surgeries and scar tissue.  I'm at least grateful to hear that my big lemon is still in the past!

 

Life IS lemons.  Sour notes are all around, but we can find lightness, brightness, usefulness, and sweetness in the mix.  When Life is lemons, the Savior is the "aid."

  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Life Lemons Part 1

Life didn't give me lemons today.  It gave me a huge, disgusting banana shake...

 

...and an unexpected CT scan.   

 The good news is that my actual lab results came back well, but my doctor wants to rule out possibilities from some other symptoms I've been having.  When you've already had cancer and waited a few months to have those symptoms checked before actually getting scanned, you've learned your lesson.  

STAT orders on my scans today, so I'm back to Houston on Thursday!

 

Mists of Darkness

Somehow, I tend to forget that a great storm overtook my life 2 years ago, and then it's time for another cancer screening.  I had blood taken today, for the 9-month anniversary of my second birth.  Let's hope I'm still cancer-free!  This week of waiting somehow reminds me of the darkness that arose around that time.   

While on our journey here below,

Beneath temptation's pow'r,

Through mists of darkness we must go,

In peril ev'ry hour.

 

("The Iron Rod," Text: Joseph L. Townsend, 1849-1942 Music: William Clayson, 1840-1887)

 

There is a story from the Book of Mormon that quite perfectly sums up our experience in this earthly life.  It is often called, "Lehi's Dream," or "The Vision of the Tree of Life."  In the story, Lehi, a Book of Mormon prophet, tells of a dream he has dreamed of a tree which bears desirable fruit, which is reached only by following a treacherous path, led by only a rod of iron to guide the way through mists of darkness and peril, through a large and spacious field surrounded by dangerous cliffs, a river of filthy water near the side, and strange roads with forbidden paths.  Once Lehi reaches the tree in his dream and eats the fruit, he realizes how much he wants others, especially those closest to him--his family--to partake.  Sadly, not everyone chooses to follow the path to the fruit, as many are led away, or find themselves pulled toward a great and spacious building, full of seemingly jolly people engaged in enticing activities and mocking those on the path or at the tree.  Those who wander off in search of other sources of joy are often lost.  (see  1 Nephi 8 )

In later passages, we learn the interpretation of these symbols and how they can be likened to this life.  The tree of life is the love of God, and the fruit is the representation of the greatest gifts of God--life, His love, and our ability to return to Him. Regardless of religious affiliation, most people believe in God, or a higher power, and one of life's greatest motivations is to seek His love.  Our creation and purpose in life is often related to seeking after the love of God, or tasting of the fruit of the tree of life. As so many of us find, the path to the fruit is not easy.  It is treacherous and often difficult, and we only move forward with help, by holding fast to the iron rod, which is interpreted to represent the word of God.  There are many distractions, dangers, and detours which attempt to discourage us from pressing on.  ( See 1 Nephi 15:23-25, 1 Nephi 12:17)

In the hymn inspired by this passage of scriptures, "The Iron Rod," it is interesting to note that over half the verses discuss, not what the title suggests, but instead a different symbol: Mists of Darkness. 

  A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to study the entire story of Lehi's Dream story and focus my attention on these mists of darkness in order to present my thoughts on this one aspect of the dream to the group of women at our church, the Relief Society, for a special conference, as my role in the leadership of this organization.  (I even got to attempt to paint my version of the mists!) 

"And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.

And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree." (1 Nephi 8: 23-24)

The Book of Mormon describes these mists of darkness: "And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost." (Nephi 12:17) No wonder the mists of darkness take up so much space in the hymn describing this dream.  Our pathways in life are often clouded over with these mists, which can be experienced as trials, temptations, and anything that would attempt to have us step away from God's word, stray from the path to His love, lead to feelings of shame for believing, or cause us to lose our way and forget the light that stands steadfast at the end of the path.   I love how Jeffrey R. Holland describes the mist:

It is imperative to note that this mist of darkness descends on all the travelers—the faithful and the determined ones (the elect, we might even say) as well as the weaker and ungrounded ones. The principal point of the story is that the successful travelers resist all distractions, including the lure of forbidden paths and jeering taunts from the vain and proud who have taken those paths....  However dark the night or the day, the rod marks the way of that solitary, redeeming trail. (See "Safety for the Soul," Jeffrey R. Holland, Oct. 2009)

Each of us encounter mists of darkness. The mists could be daily challenges that attempt to shake our faith.  The mists can arise as sudden and unexpected storms such as devastating losses of loved ones or livelihood.  Health challenges, addictions, personal struggles, public difficulties, temptations of all kind could all lead us to give up hope, to shrink from His word.  None of us can know what challenges or obstacles we may be called to face on our path, but we know that each of us will face challenges, these mists of darkness. 

The constant is the tree, the love of God.  He stands firm, pleading with us to follow His path and hold on through the darkness.  He promises His light.  Even if the mists seem to never subside on our personal journey, each of us can continue to press forward, simply holding on and knowing that there will be light.  There is one true source of the pure light, the love of God.  It is waiting, with roots as deep as the Tree of Life, always there for us to partake.   

How do we press forward through the darkness? Each of us is born with the light of Christ, as the scriptures tell us: "And that I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world;"

(D&C 93:2) and "That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world."

(John 1:9)  No matter the strength of duration of the mists of darkness, each of us has the true light that can push out all darkness.  A testimony of Jesus Christ is the one sure way to press forward.  Even if you feel unable to see any break in a storm or any light in your darkness, you can do as those in the dream did and "press [your] way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron."  (1 Nephi 8:30)  Faith in the source of all the light in the world, our Savior, is the only thing that will get us through the storms.  His love, relying on His strength and the promise that he "reaches our reaching" to make up the difference if we will but hold on and press forward.

I, like many of you, have been caught in my own mists of darkness.  Some of the biggest tests of life happen in the mists, for these trials and tests are sometimes the only way to humility and the gain the ability to see the Light with an eye of faith, even in the midst of the mists.  The light of Christ is there.  He is a safe harbor for our souls.  His love, His promises, and His light can guide us through any of life's storms, and they can help us understand that all of us are here on the journey, just trying to find the light in the storms.  And, I'm hoping that I will see the light of another 3 months without major darkness.  But if not......

 

2 Years Ago

January 17, 2013 was one of the worst days of my life.  Two years ago today, Stephen and I heard the words no one wants to hear, "we don't have official results back, but we know it's cancer."  You never want to hear bad news, but the C word is terrible news.  Life after that news is never quite the same.  To best explain, especially to those who have never endured a life-altering trial--all 1.7 of you---just imagine me screaming out "I DIED THAT DAY!" {Bonus points for movie reference on that quote.}  A small part of me did die that Thursday afternoon, forever gone/erased/changed, but even more parts of me have been reborn/renewed/given new understanding, stronger faith, and deeper purpose.

I have lost much, cancer stealing more than I wanted to give.  The disease stole time--time from home, time with Stephen, time with my children, time, time, time.  Cancer--and the treatment of it--takes so much TIME.  Even when not being treated, time is erased from existence because there is no motivation or energy to spend ones time as desired.  I look back now and am amazed at how I had that much time to spare, and am so grateful to have those moments to savor now.  Cancer also stole my breasts.  So many people respond to that lamentation with the celebration, "but you're alive!"  Yes, {and SO grateful for it}, but a soldier with a blown away leg doesn't want to hear about their great luck.  It takes time to rediscover feeling, identity, and normalcy, among other things, when a part of the body that has been with you for decades is destroyed.  The after-effects of chemo and my body enduring such tremendous pain and suffering continues, long after the cancer-free status.  Sleep evades me.  My body has great difficulty doing things it once could---i.e. SIT-UPS!--How difficult it is to make my core do what it once could with such ease.  Being cut in half, chunked apart, and puzzled together does not a strong core make.  I've lost my metabolism, the ease of weight loss {if that even exists!}, and the life of a 30-something without the worry of early menopause.  Cancer also took away some freedom and peace of mind--I can no longer live without the thought of being vigilant against recurrence.  Yes, much was taken, but all was not lost.

Fighting the fight and winning my cancer battle renewed, reclaimed, and awakened more in me than it ever took away.  I learned more in that 15 months of fighting than I ever could otherwise.  Experience is the best teacher, often the only one for certain lessons.  Humility, empathy, true gratitude, fortitude, asking for and accepting service from others, deeper faith, endurance, leaning on the power of the atonement, an abandonment of procrastination, a switch from "the glass half empty" to "finding the silver linings," and striving to not merely survive, but to thrive are just a few of the lessons cancer taught me.  I am a better wife, mother, friend, and daughter of God knowing what I know and having a deeper purpose for and appreciation of life.  I appreciate hardships in the life of others, without comparing theirs to mine.  Each one of us has unique lessons, on distinct paths, at particular moments in this life.  Looking back, part of me wishes this shadow never crossed my doorstep, but part of me is grateful to be presented a trial I was able to overcome in this life and not some other great loss or struggle.  Because of what I have lost, I often have to work harder, stronger, or differently than before, but what a shift in perspective I have gained!  Overcoming doesn't erase the battle or the scars, but it increases hope and opens new doors.  Without cancer, we might not have felt a need to seek a change in direction that led us to a new home and new opportunities.  Yes, I have been truly blessed, and these blessings spill over to more than eradicate feelings of sorrow for the losses.

In retrospection, the question of "WHY?" still slips in.  Why did this have to happen----to me? to us? at all? Yes, a case may be made that it happened because I am strong enough to fight.  There were things I needed to learn.  There were changes we needed to make.  "Why?" can be a dangerous thing because there are some answers upon which we can only speculate.  Dwelling too much on the "Why?" highlights the losses and doesn't celebrate the immeasurable blessings.  All we need to know is that we are loved, there is a plan for each of us, and whatever we are called upon to endure, there will be a way made for us to bear it.  I am reminded of a scripture from 1 Corinthians 10:13: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."  I like to think the same law applies to trials/tribulations as to temptations.  There is nothing we might face that a way will be made for us to endure and overcome.  Perhaps the "Why?" is best answered, "because HE loves us."

There is much to be said for living with optimism.  I didn't always do that B.C.  Now, I try to see the good.  I try to recognize the silver linings that have always been there.  I remember that each day is a gift, a blessing, and a chance to start over again at becoming closer to the person I want to be.  I try to remember the positive when times are tough and the memory of what was stolen begins to evoke feelings of powerlessness.  Our Father in Heaven knows us and loves us.  "Everything will be alright in the end, so if it's not alright, it's not the end."    
              

Tuesdays With Naqvi

I am officially 6 months CANCER FREE!!!!!  My body is continuing to btho cancer, and I appreciate all the happy thoughts and prayers on my behalf.  There is so much strength in positivity and in a collective faith.  Thank you, thank you, pink warriors! 

Dr. Naqvi said my results look great, and all of my numbers are outstanding.  I'm just still too fat.  I've lost 7 lbs. in 3 months, but she wanted me to lose 20.  I guess it's on to 1,000 calories a day.  But, maybe we'll just wait until 2015.  I don't have to see her for another 3 months!!!