Since being diagnosed with cancer 10 days ago, I've only cried a handful of times. I've been very positive about beating this thing and have felt loved and supported beyond measure. Sure, there's the shock and stress and worry of the unknown, but I've kept it together pretty well.
"Sure, I can still give a 15 minute talk about the Savior at church on Sunday! And, you need me to teach Sunday school, too? No problem. Go to Young Women's and announce a personal progress activity on the fly? No big deal. Read to Kyle's classroom while trying to juggle a million doctor's appointments? I'll make it work. Oh, my mom's flight was canceled, and she won't make it here before my surgery? Well, we can find someone to watch the kids, and she'll be here soon enough. Of course I can still host a baby shower at my house on Friday. I'll just need a bit more help with a few things and will simplify my ideas. I got this........"
See, that's the person I've always been. I'm stubborn and independent and blessed with enough creativity and smarts to handle the many challenges that I've faced up until now. I moved away from home at 18 and have been away since, making things work without having that family security net to fall back on whenever I needed it. I've been able to juggle just about everything, even the hard stuff, and do it fairly well. Teaching school with a new baby, while my husband worked nights, and we only saw each other 30 minutes a day? We survived. Whipping up lesson plans on the fly because I had a great idea come to me in the shower that morning? Aced them. Forgot to study for that big test? No big deal. I could remember enough to fly by unscathed. Get to church 3 days after surgery or having a baby? Who doesn't do that? Have a baby and raise a 2 1/2 year old Poop Scoop while my husband is in CRNA school, "working" all the time, and right in the middle of his Neuro rotations and can only get ONE day off? Gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm grateful for the talents that I have to multitask, to use creativity to problem-solve, and to have time for fun things like crafts, decorating, and parties while still getting the necessary things done, as well.
Well, today I broke. I realized that I can't do it all. I can't keep juggling all the plates and keep everything together and make it look easy. Nothing about this is easy. I can't keep making my "normal" plans and doing my "normal" multitasking because nothing about this is normal. I have to slow down and say "No" and let things go and ask for help. I have to admit that sometimes, no matter how much desire is in my heart or how much it pains me to do so, I'm not going to be able to make it all work.
I don't know how to be that person, and that is scary.
I broke down today and cried--a lot. I am torn between being strong, positive, and moving forward with faith and scared, helpless, and full of despair. I hate that I don't have the energy to be the kind of mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister/person I'm used to being. I don't want to give things up. I don't want people to feel like I'm not trustworthy and can't keep promises I've made. I don't want to let people down. I want people to be proud of me and inspired by me. I don't like having to think about canceling vacations or parties or anything else on my calender. I'm mad that my life is being sucked away by this unexpected cancer. And the hard part hasn't even begun.
It's hard to be this raw and real, but I think it's part of the reason I'm going through this. Maybe something about that "superwoman" I was trying to be is rooted a bit in pride. I guess I'm being forced to be humble and receive service and have my imperfections, which are many, exposed. Who knows what we will learn this year and how this experience will change us? I'm sure at times it will feel like a refiner's fire.
In the last 10 days, I've been smooshed, scanned, poked, prodded, cut, stitched, bruised, injected with radioactive material, inserted with a port, and diagnosed. I made it through all of things with only a few tears, but still strong and ready to take on the world. So, what was the straw that broke the camel's back today? A mouse in the house and mouse droppings in the pantry. I HATE MICE! And I HATE feeling dirty. My first instinct was to start disinfecting the entire house. As I was trying to pull everything out and clear out the pantry and clean up the droppings, I broke down because I realized that I shouldn't be working that hard or lifting that much while still trying to recover from surgery. And, frankly, I should NOT be having to deal with MICE IN MY NEW HOUSE when I freaking have BREAST CANCER to deal with!
There must be something I still need learn and something the Lord wants to show me. Maybe this was His way of telling me to let go of still planning to have a baby shower in my house 2 days after my first chemo treatment. He's trying to gently force me into giving in to His ways. I don't always like it, but I'll try to get used to it. Because I'm going to need his help in unbreaking myself this year.
P.S. Menstrual cramps right along with the first round of chemo and everything else today? Really?!? I feel like I'm having a Lt. Dan moment:
"Come on! You call
this a storm? Blow, you
son of a B...! Blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me! I'm right
here! Come and get me! You'll NEVER.SINK.THIS.BOAT!!!!"
unbreak so you can build back a stronger you! its what is left at the end that matters. the daily pain, work, not so much.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. While not dealing with something as awful as breast cancer, Jakson's diagnosis sent me for a loop and it's taken a long long time for me to realize that I can't do EVERYTHING. Everything that everyone asks me to do is not as important as my sanity. :) Or yours. And though I want to look completely put together and like I can do everything all the time, it's really not a good idea. It reminds me of the scripture in Mosiah that says "for it is not requisite that a man should run bfaster than he has strength." There are times to run and there are times to slow down. This is one of those "slow down" times. And if we don't do it on our own, the Lord gives us "opportunities" to. :) Love you Melodee-you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteMel I am like you in so many ways. I think the way you do. Having chronic illnesses has changed me so much. In the beginning it was so so so hard to have to learn to ask for help. To be honest it still is. I have never had cancer, but I have had my fair share of serious life threatening illnesses. You can call me of message me any time you are thinking how much you want to go back to the old life you had. The healthy life you had. I have complete and total empathy for you. I am so proud of you and admire you more than you ever know. I remember the day you came to see me after my knee surgery. I never told you but that meant more to me again then you will ever know. you will give strength to those that are searching for it. That is truly an amazing thing to know just by doing what you do you have helped someone in their deepest darkest times. But don't forget you are human, you do need to unleash those fears and anxieties so you can keep going. I love you. I wish I could hug you and tell you that.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to break down and slow down, not one person would think less of you.
ReplyDeleteLearning to cut back is HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD. I still screw it up on occasion. (And again -- nothing as scary or dramatic as cancer here). My husband has become my greatest strength here. Sometimes I use him as an excuse. Sometimes he has made phone calls to tell people that no, I would not be doing ______ because he woudlnt' let me. He plays the part of the bad guy. The truth is that he sees my break downs that very few other people see. He can usually tell within seconds of seeing me how my day is. I'll never forget one afternoon I was doing some errands and stopped by his office to drop somethign off for him. I chatted for a minute or two then went to give him a hug before leaving. He held me tight and just whispered in my ear "I'm sorry". I was actually confused "sorry for what?". "Sorry that you're hurting so much today." The truth is that I hadn't realized how much pain I was in until he mentioned it. I've learned how to push the pain aside (to a level) and deal with it later. The problem being that when I finally address the pain it's much worse than it would have been originally. But that he could tell that I was in pain. I hope you have the help of someone you trust who sees you and knows you well (It sounds like your husband is that type :)) who can help you see your limits. I was MAD at my husband one year when he told me I couldn't do the fancy all-out Halloween costumes I had planned for the girls. The girls like them, I like doing them, blah, blah, blah... but when it came down to it (I was recovering from my 4th surgery in 7 months) he was right. I finally figured out how to make something simple and let it be enough. Letting it be "enough" has been my hardest lesson to learn. It's okay to fall apart. Or if it isn't... then at least know you'll still not be alone.
ReplyDelete<3
I am constantly impressed by you and how well you are handling everything. Some breakdowns are to be expected!! After all, I had a breakdown this afternoon...and had no real reason for it! You are amazing, Mel. Just amazing.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to let go. When talking to you about the shower, I kept thinking, she is trying to do too much. My friend went through cancer with her daughter and said, this year is dedicated and revolves around cancer. Maybe that is your big and only to do - the other things are just added bonuses if they happen. My mom had cancer when she was in her 30's too and was much like you. And while I look back and am amazed at all she did during that time - life slowed down and we had lots of help. And as a little girl, I was not harmed or scarred by those changes - birthday parties and baptisms happened a little later than normal but our family became stronger - so will yours. You are in our prayers and thoughts constantly. We are so excited for the opportunity to help you and your family. You don't have to always be strong, you just have to get through each day.
ReplyDeleteOK superwoman, you are human after all. Sometimes I wonder because you do so much for yourself, for your family, and for others. You are one of those women I look at and think, "How does she do it?" Hitting a limit (so sorry it was mice!), and breaking down is to be expected, especially considering all that you're up against. Heck, I have breakdowns all the time, and it's usually little, temporary things. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteBut on those hard days when you break down, you have many friends who will listen/ let you vent your feelings of being overwhelmed, in despair, scared, alone, whatever it may be, and we won't judge you or think less of you at all. Friends can also offer advice if you want to hear it, or give you a pep talk if you want one.
You have always been the friend I turn to in my darkest hours, and you always know what to say. I am not so good at reciprocating because it seems I never know the right thing to say in the moment. This is one of my greatest weaknesses. I hope to be able to be there for you the way you have always been there for me. And next time you're having a bad day, just remember that one really rotten day back in high school when nothing seemed to be going right, and we were working on our photography assignment on the back lawn of the school. I remember feeling so desperate, and upset, but something struck us funny, and we laughed so hard we could hardly breathe! To this day I think of that moment sometimes when I'm feeling blue, or when I see a dried leaf on the ground, and chuckle to myself, "There's a leaf!" There's always a "leaf" here for you if you ever need it, my friend.