To keep going with that positivity, I'm trying to focus on the good things, the silver linings, in all of this breast cancer storm that's hit me.
Last year, one of my resolutions was to try to be more grateful for the little things in life and to realize that even small, everyday things can testify of God's love for us. I felt, at the time, that I was doing this *just* as a mother of 3 young children, so I could force myself to slow down, breath, and look at the big picture, without being bogged down in the trenches of unpleasant daily tasks of motherhood. Some may call this trying to have more of an "eternal perspective." I realized the other day that maybe practicing this has made me more grateful for every moment and more cognizant of how to not take anything in life for granted. I was so thankful that my mindset had already been pointed in that direction and I didn't have to totally shift my way of thinking, especially while trying to deal with cancer.
Here's a few small things I've thought of in the last few days, a short list of the "silver linings."
Silver lining #1: Even though the EXACT diagnosis hasn't even as of yet been confirmed, my doctor seem very confident that this is curable.
Silver lining #2: I have an amazing support system. Words cannot express how much your kind words, prayers, service, and simple acts of love have buoyed me up this week. I will continue to need it.
Silver lining #3: Breast cancer is well funded, has a high success rate, and the research and advancements in this area have been HUGE. It's not "your momma's" chemo I'm dealing with. It's so, SO much better.
Silver lining #4:
Another tender mercy that came to me on Friday morning was a deeper testimony about the miracle of Evan's birth and the truth of God's timing in our lives. A quick back-story: Stephen thought we were "done" after Ryan, but I wasn't sure. I always wanted 3 children, and there was a part of me that wanted to see if we could have a girl. We hadn't closed the debate, but suspended it until we were more sure of Stephen's job, a house, and were less "in limbo" of our plans. While we were busy making OUR plans, God had a different plan, and we unexpectedly became pregnant with our unplanned baby #3. {This, in itself is a small miracle, with our difficulty in getting pregnant and STAYING pregnant in the past.} I have already had a testimony that Evan was supposed to be born to our family at the time he was and that we were supposed to have a 3rd child. My outlook on that testimony changed on Friday, however. I thought about how much more scary things would be right now if we had waited and gone with OUR plans on having a third child. We would've waited until we were in a house and maybe had a little money saved up, or until Ryan was a little older, or Kyle was in school, so things wouldn't be so stressful for me. If that had happened, I could have a brand new baby right now, would be breast feeding and wouldn't have been concerned--IN THE LEAST--about a "lump." I also could be pregnant now and could possibly be faced with choosing between my own life or the life of my unborn child, or having the tumor be fed DRAMATICALLY by the highly increased amount of hormones in my body. Or, I could possibly have to have my ovaries removed and not have the possibility of giving birth to another child. How much more painful and terrible those outcomes sounded. I was giving that silver lining in all of this, that the Lord is in control. He is in charge, and he will carry me through any trial. Immediately a scripture came to mind:
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13 {Not to get too off topic, but there's no comma in that sentence, and it can be read in different ways. Is it just saying that Christ strengthens us, so we can do anything/all things? Or, is it having a testimony--KNOWING that we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us? It's got to be both.}
Silver lining #5: I'm young. I'm healthy {ish}. I'm strong.
Silver lining #6: Social media, cell phones/texting, and blogs makes it SO much easier to keep people informed, to pass along information, to ask questions, to ask for help, to thank people, to have a therapeutic release on my emotional roller coaster, to coordinate child care for appointments, and to feel the love and support of so many people.
Silver lining #7: I already LOVE playing dress up and planning costumes. Now I get to easily change my hair color whenever I feel like it. I got a free wig today at my doctor's office. Say hello to "Ginger." {They had some nice wigs donated, and they went like hot cakes. All that was left was a short, gray, "granny" style or a short, pixie platinum blonde. I think I went with the best out of the 3.}
I'm sure there will be many more tender mercies and many more silver linings to see in the storm clouds ahead.
Let me know if you need some scarfs and hats... I didn't do the wig thing. bald was beautiful for me and they hurt my incisions.
ReplyDeleteWell hello Ginger!! OW OW I love it! Ha ha but you know me, I always liked you with red in your hair :)
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love this post, which shows just how amazing you are. How fun to be a red head for awhile. :) Your take on that scripture is inspiring. Love the part about the timing of Evan and all being a miracle. You surely know how to recognize the hand of the Lord, and rely on Him, which will remain a strength to you forever. There's nothing better you can do for yourself than to be positive, such as this post. Remember my aunt who had breast cancer back when we were in HS? She was stage 4, the cancer was so bad when they did her double M, they had to scrape cancer off her sternum and such. She was given a 15% chance of surviving more than 6 months after her chemo/surgery, so in a last-ditch effort she entered a clinical trial for adult stem cell research. Out of something like 20 participants, something like only 9 survived more than a year, and within 5 years she was the lone survivor. Here we are 17 years later, and she is still cancer free. So within a few hours of finding out about you having BC, I asked her for advice on being supportive for you. She said to tell you that her doc told her THE #1 reason she did so well was because of her positive attitude. She said that when the going gets rough, find something positive, any little thing, and hold onto that one thing until there's something else positive. The mind has so much to do with fighting and healing. The second reason her doc (who was not LDS) told her she did so well is because of her faith, and the faith of those who were praying for her, which were MANY. Through her service in the Festival of the Trees for Primary Childrens' Medical Center in SLC, for nearly 20 years, you can imagine the outpouring of love and support she had. The clinical trial she was in was not covered by insurance, and so those who supported her raised $120K for her participation in the experimental treatment. I do not doubt at all that you have that kind of support backing you as well, seeing how many responses on FB and such that you have. You are one of those people who is easy to like/love, and so you have an entire army of support, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hope that's not too much, and hope that this buoys you up as much as your finding of these silver linings has buoyed me up. Love you, Twin. (((Hugs)))
P.S. Dunno if I can call you "twin" any more with that red wig and all. Maybe I should dye my hair red too...ha! ;)
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me:)
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