Stephen and I were lucky enough to go out on a date on Friday night. By that time, I was actually quite emotionally spent.
Earlier that morning was the first time I'd been alone since hearing the diagnosis. I woke up early and wasn't able to go back to sleep. The boys were at Grandma's house, so my usual morning routine wasn't there. I didn't have all these other people counting on me to be up and going, so my mind began to wander. I started to think about the worst case scenario and of all the things I still needed/wanted to do before I die. I kept getting emails, texts, calls, and updates on facebook of prayers, love, well-wishes, happy thoughts, and promises of cancer a$$-kicking. The out-pouring of love was amazing and much-needed and overwhelming at the same time. I cried several times that morning. I also spent time finalizing my talk for church on Sunday, studying about Jesus Christ and feeling such comfort and emotion for that, as well. I was scared and emotional and overwhelmed and mad and still wondering if it was all real. I had shed a fair amount of tears before I even learned anything new from the doctor.
So, by the time I'd explained the diagnosis and treatment plan to family and as many friends as I could, I really was just starting to get numb. Stephen finally got home, and we went to a local Thai place. I didn't have much of an appetite, but thought some soup would be a good plan.
Over dinner, we talked more about the cancer, about plans, and about telling the boys. We both felt that they are so young and won't understand much, but that we wanted to be up-front with them as much as possible and let them ask all the questions they wanted.
The next night at dinner, we told them we had something very important to tell them:
You know how Mommy has been going to lots of doctors this week? Well, we found out that Mommy is sick. She is VERY sick. She has some BIG boo-boos. She'll be going to lots of doctor appointments. She's also going to be sad sometimes and crying. She is even going to lose her hair and have to wear a wig or look kind of funny and different soon. There will be lots of people that will be coming over to help out or you might go to other people's houses. Mommy might be throwing up and not able to do as much as she has been able to do. We will need your help and for you to make really good choices. We also need to say lots of prayers that Mommy will feel better and get all better soon.
We asked Kyle if he had any questions and he didn't.
As I put the boys to bed that night, Kyle told me, "Mommy, I love you. I'm going to say a prayer right now. I'm going to thank God that you'll be better soon. I'm going to pray everyday."
He's also been treating me as a little more fragile...."Mommy, I'll be soft with this and not throw it to you, since you're sick. Mommy, you might need to rest a little more, since you're sick."
One of the hardest things for me is to realize that there really is no way that I'm going to be able to be superwoman through all of this. I'm not going to be able to "do it all," {as if I do anyway.} But, I really won't be able to pretend to juggle anything that's thrown my way. I"m going to have to learn even more how to say no or how to let things go. I'm not going to be able to do everything. I'm also going to be humbled quite a bit. I'm such a "DO IT MINE SELF" kind of person, but I'm not going to be able to get through this without the help of others. I'm going to have to learn to ask for help, to accept help, and to let people serve. And that's okay.
Because someday when I'm through this trial, I will be a stronger person for it and will then be able to give service to someone else who is in the middle of their own "I'm not superwoman and I need help" phase of life.
We love you Mel! I know we are so far away but you are in our prayers everyday.
ReplyDeleteDear Mel,
ReplyDeleteFirst I want you to know how priviledged I feel to be able to read this blog. You are "a super woman!" no doubt. I don't have any answers. I don't even know what to say, except that you are loved. However, I learned something interesting from a friend of ours, who went through a cancer himself. He served as our Branch Pres. at the MTC in Provo, and one day he shared an interesting insight I had never thought of before. He said, "during my ordeal with cancer, I learned I had to lean on the Holy Ghost and let Him do his job." What? That's a new concept. Let Him do His job? What does that mean? He went on to explain that we, as mortals, can only do so much, and then the rest is up to the Savior and the "Comforter", the Holy Ghost. One of His responsibilities, and gift to us, is to bless and comfort us. So. ponder on that dear friend. Know that many, many prayers are being offered in your behalf and on behalf of your family, immediate and extended. I have two amazing sisters in-law that have had breast cancer and both have survived. Both different levels and different kinds, but BOTH survived. Keep your chin up,(easier said than done, I know), keep your heart open, and keep strong and when you just can't anymore, let the Atonement and the Holy Ghost comfort you. You are not forgotten. Your Heavenly Father and your Savior, Jesus Christ, both know where you are and what you are going through. Once again. words from another, with the intention of comfort, yet you are feeling so very overwhelmed. Just know you are not alone. We all love you and pray for your speedy recovery. The road will be rocky and full of twists and turns, but in the end, you will conquer. Love you, Terry Christensen
I cried when I read this because I remember the moment that it really "sunk in" for me. I remember putting every thing in the hands of the Lord and realizing that in order to really have faith I had to accept the fact that I could die. It could be part of His plan and whatever the plan was I could trust Him. I have been cancer free for 3 years!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you to have to go through this trial. Cancer sucks, plain and simple. I used to get so mad that my body was being so abused by the chemotherapy yet so thankful I could have treatment.
This will be the best and worst thing you will ever experience. I promise if you stay close to the Lord you will grow, learn and love like you never have before. Facing this hurdle will enable you to lose fear of facing anything. I will keep you in my prayers!
I have never had cancer. It is totally different. So I'm saying this, knowing it's not the same. (That was my disclaimer).
ReplyDeleteI have several chronic health problems. Some interfere with my day to day activities and I'm pretty much in severe pain every minute of every day. That's been the last 1 1/2 years of my life with no end in sight. But, we had a year before that which prepared my girls in amazing ways. Even though it was a crappy year.
I started 2010 with a severe ear infection that woudltn' respond to antibiotics, took the hearing from my left ear for several months, and requried several microscopic procedures by a specialist. That was the easy part of the year. As soon as that infection resolved, we had my tonsils and adenoids removed. It was an extremely difficult recovery, but I was finally making it through... when I required an emergency appendectomy. Two surgeries already by May. A bold start to the year, no? Then, a few weeks later I was trying to retrieve a helium balloon and managed to fall and break my ankle. It took several weeks to find the break and discover all the damage that had been done in trying to "walk off the sprain". In July, I had surgery on my ankle. That was the easiest one. Then not too far down the road I was having a CT to check for more kidney stones and I got that call from my doctor himself within an hour of my scan. They'd found a lump and I'd need surgery as soon as possible. They did not know at that point what it was or what consequences that may have. I had open abdominal surgery in September. Four inches of colon was removed with the lump. For a number of weeks while we waited on pathology from Stanford (the leading research center for the rare type of tumor they believed it was) the doctors assured me over and over that it was cancerous and I'd need to find an oncologist, etc. In the end it was determined that the tumor was benign. It may grow back, but is not dangerous.
During that year, starting with the ear infections and ending with a week in the hospital following surgery (and several weeks of recovery at home) I had my three daughters to care for. They were 4, 6, and 8 (PIctures at her baptism have me on crutches). I could barely care for myself. BUT these girls were AMAZING. With the continued state of my health these girls had a year of learning how to care for me, how to care for themselves, and how to help around the house. They have become the most compassionate, kind, caring children I've ever known. While I wish none of it had ever happened, a part of me rejects that wish, knowing that it has had a huge positive impact on my daughters' lives.
This is not going to make this "easy" for you. Gosh, I don't think anything could do that. But it's a silver lining I've discovered. It's a long term positive effect of a less than desirable situation. My girls feel empowered by being taught what they can do to help me, rather than frightened by my lack of ability to always help them. We decided to be pretty up front with them about what has gone on in my body and they understand a lot more than I would have expected.
It sounds like they are amazing boys already. I expect they will find many ways to care for you. And when it comes as a sweaty palm of weeds as a "get well" bouquet or yet another crayon picture somehow those touched my heart the deepest.
Much love and peace to you all.
Aw, Mel. I just bawled and bawled reading your last three posts. It just breaks my heart that you have to go through this. It is going to be a long road, but one that will be lined with friends and family all cheering for you, serving you, fasting and praying for you. I know you. You will rely on the Lord, and you will kick butt dealing with all this, even though some days may feel impossible.
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing husband and boys. Janelle is right, they too will be stronger and more compassionate because of this experience. I am so thankful you have Stephen ar your side. He is such a great guy; couldn't ask for more for you.
I am here whenever you need me. Nate and I have already discussed me possibly coming there to help and cheer you at some point during your treatment, for a few days or something. Every prayer myself or my family offers includes you. Love you so much. Hang in there as you go through this whirlwind of emotion and change. We are all rooting for you. Love you.
I know you have family all over. And I know they love you and are there to help. Please count me in. there will be a time when you need as germ-free environment as you can get and I can clean, cook, or even take your little guys on a vacation to Austin if you need me. Whatever I can do - just call.
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