Tuesdays with Naqvi--9

It's quite hard to believe that I'm already 3/4 done with this first set of chemo treatments. The time is flying by. I keep getting asked things like, "How are you doing?  No, REALLY?" and "Has chemo been what you expected?"  The answers are: I'm actually doing pretty well.  We are making it week to week with lots of help and many prayers.  Chemo has been about what I expected so far--better in some ways and worse in others.  I keep comparing it to pregnancy, marriage, college, or any other experience that many humans work through.  It is just enough different for each person that although we can prepare and research and empathize and try to plan for how our own experience will unfold and how we will react to it, there is always s little bit of the unknown.  I keep waiting for neuropathy to set in, for my nails to get bad, and for the expected really bad days to happen each week.  In the beginning and up until the last few weeks, Wednesday night into Thursday morning was always the most uncomfortable.  The last three weeks have been much more bearable, so maybe my body is adapting to the pain, the process is getting easier to bear, or I'm just being strengthened
.  Each Tuesday Stephen tells me to have a good day and reminds me to "be strong." This week he added, "I know you'll be strong. You are strong."

Strength and weakness: There's such a balance between the two. As we go though this journey of life with its peaks and valleys, mixed with the smooth and rocky paths, our ability to bend and find ways to avoid breaking points increases.

After Stephen's comment about strength, I was reminded of my favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon.

Ether 12:27: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
 
If you are a lover of this scripture as I am, you probably know all the talking points surrounding it, but I love a good reminder. First, and most obvious, all of us have weakness. It is human. It is given by God. And, the scripture doesn't say "weaknessES."  It's "weakness," as in the state or quality of being weak.  As humans, we are weak, especially compared to the divine nature of our creator.  It's like my very favorite line of Judge Judy: "Even on your smartest day, you're not as smart as I am on my dumbest day."  Even on our best, most divine day, we are not as perfect as our Savior.  The fact that we are all weak remains similar, but our personal weaknesses can be unique, and the areas in which we are individually most weak might vary.

God gives each one of us weakness in order for us to be humble. If we were perfect in all things and felt able to accomplish anything by our own power and ability, there would be no need for a Savior and no purpose for trials.  When the tests are too easy, they are not really tests.  When we don't really have to work for anything, its value is somewhat diminished.  Without weakness, we would never truly learn faith or to understand how to rely on others for help and to receive service. We would not need teachers or leaders or parents or a friends or a Father in Heaven because we could simply solve whatever challenge arose. We wouldn't need to learn to endure and wouldn't need trials and tests, for we would already know everything. In the process, I'm afraid the natural man would be even less likely to be meek, submissive, or humble if able to posses such amazing strength and power.

Thankfully we do all have weakness and trials and times when life's experiences make it blatantly clear that we cannot accomplish it all on our own.  I have not ever been a naturally humble and submissive soul, more often than not being compelled to be humble.  This is a gift I'm definitely working on because, oh, how much easier it would be to simply remain humble before The Lord, to have the faith necessary to admit that there are many times when even my strongest strengths are not enough to overcome any of my weaknesses alone.  Life's lessons would be much easier to learn if I never lost site of my reliance on the Lord and my humility before Him.  

If we learn to become strong enough to kneel and humble ourselves before the Lord, letting Him teach us how to take the heat of hard times and bend the ore of our souls in order to shape our stubborn hearts into the greater state He would have us take, we can see how His grace is sufficient for even the one who may seem weakest among us. Grace is most simply "divine means of help or strength given through the mercy and love of Christ."  We all need this grace because none of us can do anything without His blessing, His love, and His strength and help.  

There are an infinite amount of experiences, jobs, tasks, trials, and temptations that our weak human abilities will struggle to accomplish or overcome. We are given weakness to remind our minds or bodies that there must needs be a Savior, someone to whom we can {and must turn} and on whom we can {and must rely.} That humbling stuff isn't always easy. And there will continue to be lessons to learn.  However, the promised blessing of showing meekness and humility and coming before the Lord is that He will be there, in control of the amount of heat on us as we walk through the flames. And, He will make weak things become strong.

Carbon under heat, pressure, and time becomes so strong that it cannot be cut by any other stone.  We can also change from our weakest state to become strong through the grace of God. The things we struggled to overcome can be made light, like my sadness over losing my hair before I expected.  Through the strength and support of others, that challenge was made into something fun and memorable.  The burdens we first considered to be too heavy to bear, He helps us carry.  I was never expecting to have this challenge at this time, but I've been blessed over and over to be able to carry the burdens associated with it, especially through the service of others.  Sometimes a stumbling block is actually removed from our path, like the block of bed rest.  Or perhaps, He strengthens us to be able to withstand any heaviness that might come our way.  That's how I'm starting to feel lately. I am atrong, but not on my own. I am able to be strong because He has and contines to mold me into something stronger than i was before.

For The Lord gives us weakness that we might be humble, but He also allows us to become strong in the process.  This process is an amazing blessing of being able to balance that human weakness with our divine nature.  There is no way for any of us to become strong enough on our own to compare to the strength the grace of God can help us become. It takes work, faith, humility, and the pure love of Christ to overcome our weakness.  As we become humble and put faith and trust in the Lord, He "reaches our reaching," allowing our weak things to become strong.  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--8

Eight is *great.*

I started this morning with reading Psalms 103:1-4 and am trying very hard to focus on the tender mercies and loving kindness versus the sadness and frustration at the stumbling blocks in an already difficult journey.  Another tender mercy: I met with my doctor today, and the results on my doplar came back clear, there's not a blood clot there, and she released me from the prescribed bed rest!  Prayers and blessings worked to ease that stress in this case.  I am just supposed to keep the arm elevated when I can, take a half dose of the prescribed coudamin daily, and sleep on my left side.  Hooray for the little things! 

Bed rest and I do not go along well together.  I was only on it for a few days, but felt like that was too much on top of everything else.  I was starting to feel worthless in my role as a mother and utterly useless as a human being.  I even started down that slippery slope of asking WHY when I was already going through so much did this have to happen, too?  After starting to feel down, I finally took the time to listen to Elder David A. Bednar's {one member of our church's Quorum of the Twelve Apostles} recent talk called "That We Might Not Shrink."  {I strongly encourage people listen to it.  The link is here.} I'm trying to follow the good thoughts and ideas that come to my mind, to not put off opportunities to do good things, and to follow through on actions that I might otherwise brush aside in the name of busyness. After many, MANY references to this talk from my mother, Stephen's dad, mention of it at church, more than a couple of links by email or other forms of social media from friends and acquaintances, and the specific discussion of it in a personal visit from our bishop, I knew that this was something I needed to pay attention to.

Normally when I hear the word, shrink, my first thought is in the context of laundry, weight loss, cooking, or bank accounts as in, "I better not put this sweater in the dryer, or it might shrink" and "I need some workouts that will shrink these thighs" and "those burgers really shrunk on the grill" or "I can just feel my bank account shrinking this year." In other words, I first think of shrinking as becoming smaller, losing weight, or lessening in value. In the context of our souls, "to shrink" can mean so much more than just moving down in size.

The message to "not shrink," during trials is telling us to not recoil, curl up into a scared ball, hold ourselves back, retreat, or lose the value of our souls, even when times are tough. Scripturally, there are references to people, "shrinking with awful fear" and "shrinking with shame," "shrinking from the presence of the Lord," and even from the Savior himself in Gethsemae asking His Father to "not have to partake of the bitter cup and shrink." Not shrinking, spiritually, means to work through our own trials without becoming discouraged or giving up faith, to partake of our own "bitter cup without becoming bitter." {Neal A. Maxwell} 

This was just what I needed to hear. Especially now when this swollen arm and bed rest seem to have added insult to injury over the last few days, Elder Bednar's words make an even stronger point to me that "not shrinking is more important than surviving." {Quoting Elder Maxwell}  Not shrinking--or standing firm and immoveable in our testimony and faith--can be the bigger step in our growth and learning, often more difficult than the trial itself, even if it be one of life and death.

The talk referenced Elder Neal A. Maxwell's battle with leukemia. Elder Maxwell learned that he did not want to just survive cancer, but he wanted to not shrink in the trial. Elder Maxwell lost the earthly battle, but did not shrink in the process.  He pressed forward and was blessed with time "to love, to serve, to teach, and to testify." What wonderful ways to spend your time on this earth!

I loved the quote from Orson F. Whitney that said, "no pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  {We develop} patience, faith, fortitude, and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called children of God...." Again, it is the endurance with patience that helps us to "not shrink."

Often, the Savior teaches in paradoxical statements--lose life and find it, last shall be first---and sometimes we have to ask ourselves if we not only have the faith to be healed, but do we have the faith NOT to be healed.  Talk about a paradox!  Elder Bednar also referenced the trial of a young married couple who endured a first round of cancer only 3 weeks into their marriage and another round a few years later.  He presented them with this paradox.  How do we overcome the "natural-man tendencies to demand what we want and believe we deserve" when the Lord may have other plans?  "Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives, even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." We have to be willing to "submit to all things and offer our whole souls as an offering unto Him" just as our Savior did in His atonement.  Only then will we truly grow and learn the lessons from the experiences.  We need to put trust fully in the Lord's plan for us and have the faith to accept his will. "God's power does not change," but we are not displaying true faith in that power by ONLY having faith that is dependent upon receiving the outcomes we want. The paradox is that we have to develop faith that if the outcomes we don't want end up happening, it's okay, too.    

But, we are never alone in our experiences.  Remember the story of the troubled waters and the disciples having fear of the storm while Jesus slept?  They woke him and asked, "carest thou not that we perish?"  The Savior calmed the water and relieved the trial.  We have to remember that our Savior does care, and he would remove all pain and suffering from our path if that would still accomplish His plan of Happiness for us.  But, "many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received through the things we experience and sometimes suffer.  God expects and trusts us to face adversity with His help to learn what we need to learn and become what we need to become."  As those of us who are parents and/or ever work with children know, sometimes we have to let children struggle and work things out on their own, for if we did for them what we already know how to do yet they do not, learning and growth would not exist for them.  In a similar way, we, as children of a Heavenly Father, must be allowed to learn to endure with faith and submission.  We have to learn to simply have faith that Christ could heal us, not only that He will heal us.  

I love the final blessing that Elder Bednar left: "As you press forward with steadfast faith in Christ, you will be blessed with the capacity to not shrink."  And, as I've learned lately, to "not shrink" does not mean to simply refrain from recoiling, to remain unchanged, to hold the same value, to stay put and not retreat, or to keep the original size intact.  In this case, the opposite of shrinking, "to not shrink" actually causes us to grow. 

Do You Like My Hat{s}?

I had the amazing opportunity to have another photo session to document my journey with breast cancer. This time it was all about the head accessories and my newly bald head. I learned rather quickly that modeling is not one of my natural talents, but the final product turned out well, thanks to the talents of the photographer.

Here's a great collage of the fun.

And here's the one Amber calls, Pink Warrior Woman.  Whenever I feel weak and helpless in this fight, I need to remember this woman.  When I see her, I feel like I'm ready to BTHO cancer.  Literally.  

I have to keep on keeping on and fight, and now have some great hats for a good fight. 

Bedlam and Bedrest

Last night we were working as a team of three adults {Mom, Dad, and Granna} to quickly get through the ready-for-bed routine of baths, teeth-brushing, vitamins, medicines and creams, potty, pajamas, blanket finding, stories, and prayers for the three boys so that Mommy and Daddy could go out for a quick ice cream date.  I sat down to read to The Baby while the older ones were still finishing up and suddenly paid attention to a numbing sensation in my right arm, almost like the whole arm was going to sleep.  I mentioned this to Stephen, literally trying to shake it off, while commenting that "the neuropathy must be starting to set in."  I tried not to focus too much on my arm, so I could finish getting the boys in bed.

As I helped one of the other boys brush his teeth a few minutes later, Stephen was getting the humidifier ready to go--are we EVER going to have a house free of snot and/or coughs?--and passed me in the hallway, actually getting a look at my arm..  It was red, hot, and swollen!  "No wonder it's numb!" he exclaimed, and started a further assessment.  The symptoms were only in my right arm, which was one odd thing.  Plus, swelling, pain, and redness shouldn't happen with the neuropathy caused by the chemo I am on.  More than likely, there was a problem: infection or blood clot.

Stephen knows ways to treat the swelling and pain, but was more concerned about trying to figure out what was causing it.  He had me elevate my arm, which helped, and wrap it in a heating pad, which also gave me some relief--enough to go get some ice cream.

Friday night into the weekend is not an ideal timing for one of these medical conundrums, and we already had plans!  We decided to wait overnight and see if we could call the doctor in the morning, but if the pain was too much to handle, we'd head to the ER.

I made it through the night only waking up a few times and was able to call my doctor's office on the way to the egg hunt to leave a message for her to call.  I tried to put on a happy face so the boys could enjoy the magic of another holiday, but could only handle being up and moving for so long.  When the doctor called, she wanted to see me right away.

After examining my arm, Dr. N confirmed what Stephen had figured: that it was probably from a blood clot or an infection because swelling, redness, and heat is not related to the neuropathy.  Since this was only happening in my arm was a good sign--if it was a leg it would be more likely to get into my lungs.  She tried to get me in for a test today, but it will have to wait until Monday, so she put me on a blood thinner, an antibiotic, and bedrest.

Getting the meds was a story in itself. The original prescription was denied by the pharmacist due to an adverse reaction with something else I'm taking.  The second antibiotic was a no-go because it has amoxicillin in it--an allergy of mine.  The pharmacist said I could try it if I didn't think I was REALLY allergic to penicillin, but if not, she'd have to call the doctor AGAIN.  I thought it might be okay, but second-guessed that decision and had to wait AGAIN for a new, safe for me prescription.  Talk about adding craziness on top of an already crazy day.   

I finally made it home and into bed for my prescribed rest.  I have never before been on bedrest.  It's not my favorite.  It adds to my already compounding feeling of being an absentee mother and the frustration of not being able to do even a few of the many things I want and need to do.  It's my mom's last full day here, and I wanted to go out with her.  The weather is gorgeous outside, and I was hoping to take the boys to the park, or even push them on the swings in our backyard.  Instead, I watched a movie with a boy on a swing and cried.  I really wanted to wear my St. Patty's Day green stuff out tomorrow.  Now, I'll just be lucky to get out of bed to check with the boys if we caught a leprechaun in our trap.

I guess the real craziness thing in all of this is that whenever I think I get a handle on cancer, chemo, and all of the ups and downs it causes to regular life, something else is thrown my way.  Whenever I feel like I have the stress of this trial under control, a new difficulty is put in my path.  If I ever feel like I'm strong enough to deal with he heaviness of this load and the uncertainty of the symptoms, something heavier is added to my load and more uncertainty arises.  For isn't it always that way in trials, and life in general, for that matter?  We are tested and tried and taught up until the level that our understanding and our strengths have been mastered and then something new is presented for us to learn or grow and become even stronger.

There will be plenty of time to ponder on what I'm supposed to be learning next in this journey---right from the comfort of my bed.  Monday morning we'll find out if I'm going to need what would be my third surgery/procedure in just the first quarter of 2013!
        

Thursdays

Most Thursday mornings I wake up from a vivid, anxiety-filled dream with a sore jaw from clenched teeth and an aching body.  I have to force myself to get out of bed and get going.  That feeling usually subsides around 11, and I'm back to my {somewhat} normal self.  Thankfully, last Thursday was a much better one than previous weeks, and today hasn't been awful, either.  I definintely know that Wednesday night and Thursday mornings are the hardest at this point in the journey, so I just have to be mentally prepared to deal with the effects of chemo and the shot.

Last night was one of those nights when my mind races and keeps me up.  We stayed up a little too late talking, and then I hit that point where, in my younger days, I'd just be pulling an all-nighter until I crashed at 5:30 a.m. and slept until after noon.  I'm a mom now, so those nights come back with a vengeance.

In my desperation to fall asleep to prevent the consequences of insomnia and early-rising children, I was awake to experience some of what must contribute to those regularly-scheduled Thursday morning body aches and clenched jaw pains.  The process of my shot doing its work as it moved through my body was a painful one to experience while still awake.  It's a burning and aching feeling that radiates from the entry point of the shot up into my ribcage and down and around to my hips and spine.  My heart hurts, too.  It's like a combination of labor pains, upset stomach, bowel issues, pulled muscles, heartburn, and cramps, all wrapped into one next, little package.  It's nothing life-threatening, but I think I'd much rather be asleep during the process than awake.   

Next week, I'll be going to bed much earlier on Wednesday night.  There's truth in the idea that sleep, especially deep sleep, is restorative.    

Tuesdays With Naqvi--7

 "Lucky" number 7 started with my chemo Mojo being off since someone stole MY chair.  It all worked out because I ended up being right next to another 30-something mom with cancer.  We actually met at Monkey Joe's, of all places, last week and discovered that we have nearly the same type of cancer and see the same doctors, but she is on the other side of the mountain--only finishing up Herceptin--and offers me hope that it will get easier {after it gets harder} and I will make it through.  I was so excited to get to talk to another mom of young children who has been through it.  It's nice to know people who have gone before and can live to tell about the light at the end of the tunnel.  {And, like in pregnancy, she said she was reading this blog and realized how much of the dark parts she had forgotten.  Somehow, we are able to remember the good and forget most of the bad.}

Here's some more of the good to remember.  After my hair party last Tuesday night, I was getting ready for bed and realized there were a few people who had offered their support via text/fb message, but were not close enough to come to the party.  I had the thought that I needed to snap a picture of my baldness and send it so they could get the {almost} firsthand experience, too, not knowing how long it would take to get all the pictures uploaded and an official post written.

I got many texts back, and I cherish the uplifting and supporting words.  I truly need that in order to stay positive, and I believe that the support is what's going to get me and my family through this.  A few specific texts caused me to pause and reflect and have been the subject of my thoughts and study this week.

"You are so beautiful! Look at that beautiful smile! God's love is shining through!"

"Seriously--you are so beautiful--physically & emotionally--God's love shines on your face!!"

The similarity between these comments and specifically the part about God's love shining through immediately struck a chord.  What is it could make a shaved head and a smile shine with God's love? What is it that shines at all?  Light.  But why would the shining be described as "God's love?" Specifically because the shining light in this case must be THE light, even the light of the world, Jesus Christ.  "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."  {John 8:12}
I started to think about the Light of Christ and how it is our job to let that Light shine through us as we live as positive examples of His love.  The light of Christ is an uplifting, empowering, enabling enlightenment that is given to all people because of Christ.   This verse explains the light even further.  Talking about Christ: "In Him was life; and the life was the Light of men.  And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not....That was the true light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." {John 1: 4,9}   This light is given to everyone born to this earth.  In some it shines more brightly.  Why?  Because this light is love and truth and happiness.  Darkness cannot comprehend it.  His light cannot shine through us when we are not on the path of love and truth.  The light shines forth as we serve and act as witness of God and step away from the darkness.  It shines through us in order to stand as a witness to others of goodness.

In fact, we are commanded to let God's light {love} shine through us:
"Ye are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." {Matt 5:14-16}

We should not hide the light of the world, but should arise and shine with His love and light:  "Arise, shine for thy light is come, and the glory of The Lord is risen upon thee.   For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth...but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee. {Isaiah 60:1-2}  When we get up and do good things, the glory of God shines through us, especially at the times when darkness seeks to cover the earth.   "Arise and shine forth, that thy light may be a standard for the nations." {D&C 115: 5}  When we rise with the goal to bring light to the world, we set a standard for the nations.  

We are commanded again to live in such a way to cast off the works of darkness and to let God's love shine through us.  I absolutely love how it is described here as "the armour of light."  "...let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light...But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ..." {Romans 13: 12, 14}  When we take upon us the name of Christ and try to live a life that would cast off the works of darkness, the "armour of light," we are blessed with countless blessings and the saving grace of Jesus Christ which protects us.  That is the promised blessing from living in such a way that our light will shine and glorify God.  We are told that taking Christ upon us will be as if we were putting on armour.  "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this TREASURE in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. {2 Cor 4: 6-7}  Living with the light of Christ shining in our hearts is such a blessing that it is referred to as a treasure--not a treasure that should be buried, but one that grows and grows as it is shared.  I love that every time we follow a commandment, we are blessed with even more of the light and knowledge.

Sometimes, it is much harder to hold to that "armour of light"  or to feel the light that shines in our hearts or to arise and shine forth.  Sometimes the darkness seems to consume our light.  Sometimes it's hard to make such an effort to rise up and stand out.  Sometimes it's easier to just keep that light hidden.  Surely, it's hard for me to seem excited and happy and confident in my current physical state.  We are told that we will have times that we have to walk through the darkness, but we are never alone.  "For ye were sometimes in darkness, but now are ye light in The Lord: walk as children of light." {Eph 5: 8}  We are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us.  He has granted each of us the ability to hold a piece of that light of Christ that is given to all.  We can hold tightly to it at all times, especially when we are "sometimes in darkness."  We are reminded again that WE ARE light in the Lord.  When we follow Him, that light carries us through anything.  All we need to do is to keep on moving, walking as "children of light."  Times will never truly be dark unless we let go of the light that is within our hearts from birth and forever--as long as we chose to keep it.   

A Week Without Hair

I've been through various emotional stages in the short time since being diagnosed with cancer.  2 months ago, this wasn't even in my radar.  Now I'm halfway through the first half of chemo.  I've been through shock, sadness, fear, self-pity, comfort, frustration, sickness, aches, fatigue, hope that I'd keep my hair for a bit, anger in having to lose it, gratitude that I kept it long enough for family portraits, impatience in cleaning up the mess as it "thinned," strength in having an army of supporters to help me say goodbye to what was left of it, gratitude that I have a good head for baldness, and excitement about having a new way to accessorize and an incredibly shorter amount of time to get ready for the day.
   

A few things I've learned this week:
You can get rid of the hair, but old habits remain.  I still catch myself wanting to run my hands through my hair, brush it off my shoulders, or tuck it behind my ears, almost like I have phantom limb or something.  {Stephen said the same thing--he keeps reaching up to brush his hair back, but there's none to brush back!}
My scalp is quite sensitive.  I can rub my hands from front to back, but it's painful from back to front.  If I turn the wrong way in my sleep, or if a hat/scarf gets caught up in the wrong direction, it's quite uncomfortable.
I really have A LOT of gray hair.  When the tiniest bit of roots are all that remain, there's no where to hide it.   Except under a scarf.
My skin is starting to get more sensitive.  Shoes that have never bothered me before rubbed off the skin at my ankles.  My lips are extremely dry, and the skin around my eyes is especially bothered.  
The boys don't really seem to be bothered at all.  I'm so grateful that I have kept them in the loop with this and have been very open about what's going on.  Kyle, obviously, understands the most.  He just thinks it's something cool to tell his friends.  We were out to lunch the other day with some other boys, and he says, "Mom, will you take off your hat and show my friends your crazy hair?"
The hair is still coming out--quite easily.  But, it's a WHOLE lot easier to deal with tiny "eyelashes" of hair than the clumps that were all around before.
I'm debating on the wig situation.  After going shopping and getting sticker shock at the prices--$450 for the one I REALLY wanted--I think I'd rather get a few cheaper ones and try out a few different styles and colors.  Why put all my eggs in one basket?  I'm not trying to fool anyone into thinking that it's my real hair or anything, so why not have a little fun?  Plus, my real hair will come back, and I'll have a great collection of wigs for future Halloween costumes.
It's only March, and there was one evening I was SO hot from wearing a scarf/hat on my head.  So many people told me they got cold and to keep it covered.  Those people, obviously, were not giving children baths, climbing up and down stairs to get PJs, and chasing 3 boys to wrangle them into their beds.  I can't imagine how hots it's going to get in the coming months!

Of all the emotions I've felt lately, I'm so glad the sad ones have come and gone quickly.  Looking for the positive and the gratitude is what has helped me stay the strongest. 

Hair Today....Bald Tonight Party

 I have some amazing friends who wanted to throw me a hat and scarf shower when they heard I was having chemo and losing my hair.  It was going to be a surprise, but when I thought I wasn't losing my hair for a few months, we decided to postpone the party until I needed it. 

Then, my hair started falling out, earlier than expected, and I had the idea to have a head shaving party.  Instead of doing 2 different events, I asked if we could combine the shower and the shaving into one big party.  This is what my awesome Pink Warriors came up with....

 Some incredible hostesses:

 Mingling before the shaving:

Tasty treats:

 Bald:

 A group shot....minus at least one.  {If you were there and not pictured, will you remind me, so I can keep it for my cancer chronicles book?}

 I opened some great gifts: fashionable hats and scarfs, some accessories, and money toward my wig{s} fund. 

 Once I got home, I was so touched reading so many uplifting and funny cards and the personal messages inside them.  Thank you, thank you for all the heartfelt well-wishes.  I didn't read all the cards at the party because I wanted to pay close attention to them and feel them uplift me without an audience, but I couldn't help but look at this gem:

Thank you so much to all who helped to put this party together, to support me by coming, and to be so generous with your love, your encouraging words, your cheering me on, your smiles and positivity, and for being part of my army of pink warriors in this battle.  

Bald | Beautiful

 I said farewell to my hair last night!  At a big celebration of love and support, Stephen and I both shaved our heads.  I'm SO thankful for his love and willingness to be right by my side in all of this, as well as all of the friends and family who came to cheer us on. 

Before:

Stephen was up first.

Glory, my neighbor and stylist, showed me how to do it, so I shaved most of his hair off!

Then, it was my turn:

 Stephen did the honors:

 The boys watched on as Glory finished up. 

"Bald: NAILED IT!"

 It was much easier to have a cheering section of my Pink Warriors:

 After:

Having no hair gives me no where to hide, so this is no longer a disease where I look normal.  People can easily tell now that I'm on my way to becoming a cancer survivor! 

I wanted the boys to be there, even though they were up way past bedtime.  I'm not sure how they took the *new* me, but this is life, and we're all learning how to go about it one step at a time.  

I'm learning to love my cheekbones and am trying to embrace this new look.  I'm grateful my head is pretty round, and my ears are small and don't stick out.  I make a pretty good bald person!