Thursdays

Most Thursday mornings I wake up from a vivid, anxiety-filled dream with a sore jaw from clenched teeth and an aching body.  I have to force myself to get out of bed and get going.  That feeling usually subsides around 11, and I'm back to my {somewhat} normal self.  Thankfully, last Thursday was a much better one than previous weeks, and today hasn't been awful, either.  I definintely know that Wednesday night and Thursday mornings are the hardest at this point in the journey, so I just have to be mentally prepared to deal with the effects of chemo and the shot.

Last night was one of those nights when my mind races and keeps me up.  We stayed up a little too late talking, and then I hit that point where, in my younger days, I'd just be pulling an all-nighter until I crashed at 5:30 a.m. and slept until after noon.  I'm a mom now, so those nights come back with a vengeance.

In my desperation to fall asleep to prevent the consequences of insomnia and early-rising children, I was awake to experience some of what must contribute to those regularly-scheduled Thursday morning body aches and clenched jaw pains.  The process of my shot doing its work as it moved through my body was a painful one to experience while still awake.  It's a burning and aching feeling that radiates from the entry point of the shot up into my ribcage and down and around to my hips and spine.  My heart hurts, too.  It's like a combination of labor pains, upset stomach, bowel issues, pulled muscles, heartburn, and cramps, all wrapped into one next, little package.  It's nothing life-threatening, but I think I'd much rather be asleep during the process than awake.   

Next week, I'll be going to bed much earlier on Wednesday night.  There's truth in the idea that sleep, especially deep sleep, is restorative.