Tuesdays with Naqvi--11

Only ONE MORE to go, and then I get a break!!!

As I sit here hooked up to chemo, I can't help but be reminded of being hooked up to an IV and an epidural exactly three years ago today, anxiously awaiting the birth of our second son. The drugs are much different today than they were in the delivery room back then, and the reason is much less desirable. How much has changed in just three short years!

As I wind down to the end of this first part of the journey, I am having more and more days when I'm just tired. It's not a feeling like being tired from lack of sleep, but simply exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I have to remember to rest, relax, and renew each day, whether in bath time, nap time, letting things go in order to be with my children or family, making plans to go out with Stephen, going to bed early, or taking medicine to help with a list of the interesting side effects of chemo.

This weekend was an especially renewing time. We spent a lot of time with family, we stayed close to home, I got to finish a major decorating project I've been saving for and planning for months, Stephen and I had a great date, and we were all spiritually fed by listening to many, many uplifting and enriching talks in our church's Semi-Annual General Conference. There are many reasons we are reminded over and over to feed our souls and renew our spiritual strength, and one is that building on the Rock of our Redeemer is what helps us survive the storms of life. We can do all things through Christ; all things are possible to those who believe.

As with all General Conferences, there are certain speakers, certain talks that stand out to each individual. One for me this session was a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland. He spoke about a bible story of a father pleading with Jesus to heal his son. Elder Holland summarized the father's plea: "Our whole family is pleading. Our struggle never ceases. We are exhausted....We don't know where else to turn. Can you help us? We will be grateful for anything: a partial blessing, a glimmer of hope, some lifting of the burden...." This modern day expansion on a scripture from Mark 9 really struck me, since I can relate---and probably so can my family. We are starting to get exhausted. There are times when we desperately need a glimmer of hope, a small blessing, or some relief from the stress and pain. I immediately began to relate to the scripture story in a new way.

Mark 9:22-24 {the father speaking to Christ} "If thou canst do anything, have compassion on us, and help us. Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said, with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief."

I've heard this story many times. Now I'm living a version of it.

There are days when I, like the father of the child, need to ask the Savior to help me--not only with the trial itself, but in my unbelief surrounding this trial. I am not near death or falling in fire, but the fire of chemo still burns. I have had to rely on the help of others and in being blessed with strength from the Lord to go through chemo and still be able to get out of bed and live without getting totally exhausted and losing my identity in life and with my family. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to not be consumed by questions of "why?" or feelings of doubt and fear. I constantly need to focus on the Savior and how He knows how to
"help my unbelief," and there are times when it's important to focus on my strengths and hold fast to to good things, not the limitations. Elder Holland described it in this way: "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. When those moments come, hold fast to what you already know and STAND STRONG."

I had forgotten that the well-known biblical description of faith as a mustard seed comes directly from this story. A father's desperate plea, his acknowledgement that he had only a desire to believe and needed complete help from The Lord, gave us the story of a tiny seed growing into something much grander, making nothing seem impossible.

I find times--like my current test of faith--when it seems like my faith is too weak to accomplish all I need it to. Elder Holland advises us for such times, "when problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have. Be true to the faith you DO have." What a simple yet complex message!

How often do we start off questioning or complaining, trying to describe the difficulties and focus on the negative? It is so much more uplifting to focus on all the good things we do have and on the positive. Negativity and questions of doubt only worsen difficult situations. Elder Holland continues, "do not let questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle; you have more faith than you think you do!" As we start out wherever we are, trying to be better and do more and become stronger, we do, often in ways far beyond what we could have ever imagined.

But, this work is not done by each of us by our own merit or totally by our own hands. When we start thinking we can do anything on our own, we miss the point of this life, which is to learn to serve others and learn to be served BY others. Elder Holland reminds us: "When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.....God will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief." We have angels, both earthly and heavenly, that are ready, willing, and waiting to offer help when needed, and sometimes all it takes is for us to "straightway" ask for it.

Life is hard. We all go through trials, tribulations, and terrible times because we all have to learn in this life to walk by faith. The more I come to terms with my own unique current trial of being a young-ish wife and mother with cancer, trying to be strong and stand as a witness throughout, I have come closer to understanding how universal trials are. Each of us, at any time, can be pleading with The Lord to "do anything, have compassion on us, and help us." The cancer for one may be the infertility, the loneliness, the abuse, the poor living conditions, the unemployment, the death of a loved one, the addiction, the struggle for identity, the unfulfilled desire for marriage, and so on, for another. No matter what trials we face, our belief--and acting upon that belief--can get us through. As Elder Holland said, "Belief is a precious word and an even more precious act. Christ himself said, 'be not afraid--only believe.'" When we believe that help is there when we ask for it and show our faith in the source of the help, anything is possible.

I love Elder Holland's final thought. He leaves us with a pep talk for our own difficult times. "Hope on..... Journey on, honestly acknowledging your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith because all things are possible to them that believe." When the Savior and His servants say ALL things, that includes whatever each of us are striving to conquer, so there are no excuses. All things are possible to them that believe.