I would never describe this journey as easy. There are more difficult parts to this challenge than I can explain, especially since I'm having to bear this burden while watching my young children experience the pain, sadness, and heartache, too. I was asked at my son's yearly check-up the routine question, "Are there any stressors in the home?" and had to smile and answer, "YES!!" somewhat sarcastically, since the medical staff there, too, knows the cancer struggle we are all currently enduring. It breaks my heart to realize that my children understand that I have to "go to the doctor" too often for so long, and they don't want me to go. I've heard, "I want to hold you," {I want you to hold me} more than usual in the last few weeks from the 3-year-old and more outstretched arms from the baby with his signature, "AHHHHHHHHH....," meaning he wants me to hold or kiss him....or basically just give him whatever he wants at the moment. Someone in the house has been sick at any given time since the beginning of the year. The financial burden is stressing. It's easy to get down from a physical standpoint, to feel tired and to lose the image of self worth and beauty. There is an incredible time commitment to this treatment process. It takes a toll on my ability to go places, to fulfill assignments, to accomplish tasks, and to be and do everything I want to do. I have felt tired, run-down, in pain, sad, frustrated, afraid, confused, and upset. However, in all of this, I have felt so blessed, so uplifted, and have felt almost a lightness, whether in the chemo made easier for me to bear, my body being able to withstand it better than some, or having my path made a little easier. I cannot believe how quickly 12 weeks has passed and how much easier--in many ways---this time has been than I originally expected. In the lightness of this trial, I can feel the light of Christ.
Another of my favorite talks from our church's recent General Conference was called, "The Hope of God's Light," by Dieter F. Utchdorf. I cried when I heard his words and was immediately drawn to the image of light, to his metaphor for God's light in my life at this moment, and in how this light can help anyone, no matter the challenge. His words speak for themselves:
"To me,...darkness and light....are a metaphor for life. It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might have lost a loved one; a child might have strayed; we might have received a troubling medical diagnosis; we might have employment challenges and be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved. But even though we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances, God promises the hope of His light—He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness."
My darkness now is a troubling medical diagnosis, but this is not the only challenge in the world. There are so many other hard things people are going through, and each is difficult for the individual experiencing that trial. Everyone has been or will be in darkness from time to time. I'm reminded of a scene from a movie I love to quote, Three Amigos, when one of the Amigos is trying to rally up the troops to stand up and fight their battle: "In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!" We don't always know why trying times come over us, but what we do know is that everyone will experience trials, darkness, or their own "El Guapos," but we all will be able to overcome. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if we can't always see it!
During the times of darkness, the best way to overcome is to find the light. There is something to be said about the power of positive thinking, playing "The Glad Game," and finding the silver linings, the "tender mercies" of life. As President Uchtdorf said, the "best path for healing [is] to understand and accept that darkness exists—but not to dwell there. For...light also exists—and that is where [we should choose] to dwell." Nothing good can come from moving toward darkness or even sitting still in the darkness for long periods of time. If we are not moving forward in life and improving, we are often falling behind and losing strength.
One way to look for the light is in serving others. I know it's a simple thing, but I have felt impressed to write and share my thoughts of this process as a way to be a light for others in conquering their own darkness {El Guapo.} In Elder Uchtdorf's talk, he referenced a woman who became a schoolteacher after overcoming her dark time. He said, "she builds, strengthens, and inspires everyone around her." I related to the teaching part as well as to the way he phrased his praise of her. It immediately reminded me of a phrase from of a very special blessing I was given when I was 17 which says, "live so that you can touch the hearts, build the hopes, and teach mankind.....be a light unto mankind through your teachings and goodness." In the same way as that schoolteacher, I'm hoping that by sharing my journey, I can share "that healing comes when we move away from the darkness and walk toward the hope of a brighter light," as Uchtdorf phrased it.
The "hope of a brighter light" is always found in Jesus Christ. A scripture I love says, "Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not." {D&C 6:21} When we look toward The Light, we will never be in complete darkness. Elder Uchtdorf explained, "There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn." Faith in Christ can bring a light to whatever darkness that currently surrounds us.
This morning as I was getting ready to leave for my final steps to the first checkpoint of what we've called a "marathon," I couldn't help but respond to the tragic events surrounding yesterday's bombing at the Boston Marathon, which was definitely an act of darkness. Terrible choices and dark acts affect innocent people in this world. Because we all have agency, the gift to make our choices, we sometimes bring great sorrow and darkness to the lives of others. God can't force people to choose the light. As has been said, darkness exists along with the light, and even though I know and many others know that it is best not to dwell in darkness, but to seek the light always, there are many of God's children who actually choose darkness and attempt to spread it. We cannot legislate the darkness away to bring out the light. We cannot regulate those who choose darkness to prevent darkness from spreading. We cannot identify all the sources of darkness before they act or guarantee that there will never be days of darkness. But, hope is not lost. As one New York artist illuminated on the Brooklyn Academy of Music, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that." {MLK Jr.} We don't have to identify all the sources of darkness, for we know The Source of all Light is Christ, and faith in Him allows us to believe that good will win in the end.
We are not promised a life without heartache, pain, challenges, sorrow, and difficult times, but we are promised that we will never walk alone and that there will be great blessings for walking in the light. There is plenty of darkness to be found in the world and plenty of promised dark hours and even days ahead. President Uchtdorf testified, "from time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening, and frightening. My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and wearisome fears you may be experiencing. Nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus!...With Christ, darkness cannot succeed. Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ."
John 8:12 says, "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." 1 John 1:5 adds to that, "This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all." As difficult as it may seem at times to avoid the darkness--whether that darkness comes from our own personal El Guapo or from the evils of the world--we must choose to not focus on the darkness or dwell in it; for nothing good or praiseworthy comes from the darkness. Our hope comes from seeking for and moving toward the light. The wonderful thing, as Uchtdorf explains, is that "We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings. In fact, the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take toward the light." My marathon isn't complete, but I've made it through a portion of the journey and have been able to experience some of that light. Some runners in the Boston Marathon weren't able to finish, but their efforts and their experience was not in vain and do not go unnoticed. Those who were taken too early from this life are not in darkness, although there is plenty of grief in their tragedy. The light is always there, ready to be found, even if the only way to see it is to close our eyes and pray. We will never walk in darkness for long when we are looking to The Source of all light, even Jesus Christ.
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