Tuesday Didn't Happen

The 4th of July fireworks were supposed to be celebrating my freedom from "The Red Devil" round of chemo, but that plan just didn't end up happening this week. I went in on Monday for STAT labs to check my white blood count to see if I was well enough for my last dose of this hard chemo, and my numbers actually went back down. My WBC from Monday was 2.5, too far from the required 4.0. My ANC, which had been at the correct level of 1.0 was back down to 0.2. Those results meant no chemo for me for at least a week. I was pretty frustrated by that, just because I had been counting down the weeks to checking off that last dose, and not only did I not have chemo in the planned timeline, there's no guarantee of when I'll have it again. I cannot have chemo until my numbers go back up to the minimum requirements.

I felt like I did everything my doctor told me to do, and it still wasn't enough. I canceled my trip to the beach--my favorite place--and it didn't get me any closer to my goal. I forced myself to eat, even when I had no appetite. I stayed away from raw fruits and vegetables, even when that was exactly what I was craving most days. I didn't leave the house for days, took my meds, washed my hands frequently, stayed away from people and places with potential germs, slept more than usual, let the laundry and cleaning go, and still got off track.

Already I saw a few reasons why I might have been sick enough to stay behind while my family went to the beach. First it was SO hot over the weekend, which would've been hard on my weakened immune system. Also, everyone got some kind of food poisoning. Nausea and diarrhea for the healthy adults would've probably landed me in the ER. There were also a few run-ins with jelly fish and sting rays, and who knows if my body would've been able to fend off those attacks. It's nice to have a little glimpse of how what might seem like a big negative on the surface could actually be a blessing in disguise.

I was saved from the harshness of the beach vacation by being mostly dead, but now the whole supposed time frame of my treatment is thrown off. I have a very hard time going into the unknown without some grasp on even the illusion of control. I feel like I've already calmed way down and learned so much patience and how to live by faith and not question, but I keep getting tested and pushed to the next level. I've been humbled and have relinquished so much of my control and have learned so much about how to ask for help and let other people be blessed by giving service to me and my family. It's very difficult to not have feelings of frustration or to attempt to understand the lessons I should be learning from these added experiences to this journey. And sometimes, it feels like everything I've learned and all that we've been through still isn't enough. It's never enough because there's always something to learn, always some area in which to grow, and always another step toward perfection to make.

I'm sure there are many reasons why chemo didn't happen this week, some I'll probably never know. Not only does this change push back my chemo and surgery timeline, but it could potentially change plans we've had laid out for months, including another vacation. Perhaps I need to learn to deal with disappointment and be more flexible. Perhaps I need to learn balance between my need to have something to look forward to and my ability to be completely content even with nothing exciting in the near future, or to not be unhappy when plans change.

I have felt weak and sick this week, in addition to being frustrated over all the unknowns of the time frame. Thankfully, I'm starting to feel stronger physically. My friend, Michele, was here this week to force me to eat, to help out with Evan, and to let me rest. Kyle and Ryan got to stay at the beach with our family, which was another blessing. I'm so close to the end of the hard stuff, but still so far away from being through with this trial. Obviously, I still have much to learn, but I'm strong. I continue to not allow this to take me down. I'm still looking for silver linings and ways to be glad. Here's one for today: I'm only one week behind schedule, and my hair is already coming back in strong. I'm going to be fine; I just need my blood to allow me to get back on track, and before I know it, this will all be behind me!