Post Op Appt.

I had my first official outing after surgery today---straight to the doctor! Dr. Boutros was in surgery, so his nurse took great care of me. 3 of my 4 drains were looking good and not putting out too much, so they got to come out! That last abdomen one will have to wait until next week's appointment. It feels SO freeing to have most of my "tentacles" removed.   There was only one that gave me a little bit of trouble since the suture was so embedded in my skin. That was the only one that actually gave me an ounce of discomfort when it was removed. I'm a pro at the power of deep breaths, the technique she asked me to use during removal, so I barely felt those tubes being pulled out of my body!  

It lifted my spirits when the nurse checked me out and immediately and emphatically exclaimed, "they (the girls) look GOOD!" I guess I had more skin and tissue to work with than most patients, so she was saying that especially for only a week out, the shape and size and everything was looking really great. The sutures around the flap where my nipple and areola once were could be removed today, so the breasts are right on schedule. 

My new belly button area is healing so well that she was able to remove those sutures, too, ahead of schedule. 

I'm still not cleared to drive, lift anything, lift my arms above my head, wear a bra, climb stairs, or do anything that is going to compromise the healing process. So, I'm basically still worthless when it comes to doing much of anything around here. 

I do feel pleased with my healing process, my pain control, the surgery and results so far, and all the love and support that's helping me through.  

Now to enjoy some college football and a holiday weekend!! Gig 'em, Aggies!!

Tuesdays with Melodee-Post Surgery!

I'm home, showered, and in my own pajamas!!!  Going home from the hospital was one of the best birthday presents this year.  

I was told this surgery was a major one, and they were NOT kidding!  My day started at 2:45 am last Wednesday.  I had to be showered with an antibiotic soap and had to apply a numbing cream to my entire breast for the dye that would be injected prior to surgery.  We left the house around 4:30 am for our arrival time of 5:00.  The hospital was wonderful--very cheerful and helpful.  I felt great about that.  We were taken to fill out paperwork and then sent to the waiting room.  A few minutes later, I was taken back to the pre-op area.  My vitals were taken, and I got dressed in my "sexy" thigh-high stockings {for blood circulation}, hot brown hospital socks, and charming gown and hat.  I was looking good!  The nurses put all these monitors on me and--MIRACLE OF ALL  MIRACLES--put in a perfect, pain free IV.  That has NEVER happened!  I took it as a great sign of good things to come.  After all of that, Stephen finally got to come back and see me.  Dr. Pollack came in to ask how I was doing.  I returned the question, and she responded, "I'm doing ok."  I said, "Just okay!?  You better be on your A game!"  She laughed, adding, "Oh, I am.  I just had my morning coffee!"  We met Dr. Hall, Dr. Boutros' associate.  Dr. Boutros came in to draw on me, putting his artistic marks all over my old body.  I joked about this being the kind of art Stephen could get into.  Dr. Boutros commented about how my babies REALLY stretched me out, so I had LOTS of material to work with and that I may actually heal easier than other patients because they wouldn't have to stretch me so tightly.  The anesthesiologist came in to ask his questions.  Stephen got to "talk shop" a bit and compare names of people they both knew.  It would be a CRNA in the room with me the whole time, so Stephen was happy about that.  And, the CRNA, Nicky, was really great.  My nurse, Kermit, was awesome, too.  He'd be with me all day, as well.  They both took Stephen's number and promised to keep him updated.  I kissed Stephen goodbye and everything went black.  

In what felt like 20 minutes, but was really about 8 hours later, I was awake in PacU.  I remember looking at the clock and not believing it was so late in the day, even though I knew how long the procedure took.  Anesthesia is pretty amazing.  I was still talking crazy, saying something about how I'm "all red!"  I guess I was dreaming about Willy Wonka and I was big and red instead of a blueberry!  In reality, I think something was said about my coloring being pale from blood loss.  But, that corrected itself soon enough. The good news, though, was that the surgery was a complete success!  Dr. Pollack was extremely happy that all of my lymph nodes were negative for cancer and she didn't have to remove a bunch of them.  She DID bring her A game.  Dr. Boutros was pleased with the results and felt like I'd recover well and be happy with my new breasts.  Some people have called him cocky, but I like his confidence and am glad he can back it up with results.  Stephen got to come see me.  I remember that a bit, but everything else from that time is a blur.  

I FiNALLy got back to my room at nearly 7 that night.  Sadly, right when i got in bed, I vomitted--a lot of nothing but bile enhanced with some of that blue dye. It was quite vibrant. That HURT!!!!  Sadly, STILL nothing to eat or drink, so i had lovely bile taste in my mouth all night. Stephen and Michele were in the room, though, as well as flowers and some amazing nurses.  It had been a LONG day, and Stephen had to leave soon for his early work day in the morning.  For that first night, I was checked every 30 minutes for vitals and for blood flow in my breast flaps.  The right one must've been a little weak or difficult to find because it took awhile each time.  It reminded me a bit of those times of having difficulty in finding a baby's heartbeat.  Luckily, as the week went on, the blood flow got much stronger.  I also found it hilarious that I still had stuff written all over me: "No pressure or EKG."

The next morning, i was FINALLY cleared to drink and eat!!!  Remember, it had now been almost 36 hours and my mouth still tasted of bile. Oatmeal and ice chips never tasted so good!  And that was THE BEST teethbrushing of my life!!!!  

My days at the hospital were mostly cycles of sleeping, checking vitals, taking meds, and eating.  I was on complete bed rest until Sunday, so that was a bit challenging.  I had to keep the Bair Paws heat gown on for 2 full days to help keep blood flow going, but it was hot! I was on a Dilaudid pump, which was nice.  The pain was pretty intense, even for me--I have a high tolerance for pain.  I had to keep doing these breathing treatments in an inspirometer, which would usually stir up phlegm to cough up.  That was PAINFUL on my newly cut body, so a pillow had to be kept handy to hold on to while coughing.  It was hard getting used to having no core strength to move in addition to no arm strength to help adjust myself in bed.  It was nice to be able to have the pain kept under control and be able to sleep so much.  Stephen came up after work, which was nice.  Michele went out to spoil us with Grand Lux Cafe--gotta love bringing in contraband food!  Dr. Hall visited, and soon enough it was time for Stephen to head home again.  

The next day, Friday, was a big day of changes.  First, I was pulled off my pain pump.  It was a major switch from having a constant drip to trying to fit into a a 6 hour pill schedule.  I was hurting! Plus, even though they took away the Bair Paws, I started to feel so hot, like an intense fever!  I could NOT cool down!  Between the pain and the heat, it was pretty miserable.  Michele got me a fan, I tried to sleep it off, we found out I could have a Dilaudid boost to help the transition, and I was finally feeling more normal.  Cold turkey on pain management was NOT for me.  On the bright side, the boys came up for a visit, and brought pink balloons and pink flowers.  Seeing them lifted my spirits.  And, I was finally starting to get the pain under control.  Breathing was easier, and things were looking up.  By the way, my nurses for the week, Dorian and Teresa {Asian Teresa} and Theresa {White Theresa with an H}, were FANTASTIC.  

Michele was a gem all week.  I don't know what I would've done without her!  There were a few stressful times between her getting lost on the way back to the hospital and also the small thing of, um, totaling her rental car.  We laughed, she kept me fed, rested, fought for me in the pain management department, and was great company from my in-bed-all-the-time boredom.  How grateful I was to have her.

Saturday was more of the same: pill schedule, vitals, breathing treatments, sleeping, more hanging out in bed.  It was getting a little easier each day.  Stephen was able to meet up with an old mission friend and came up to the hospital after that.  I was glad to have company.

Sunday morning started off early.  Before the morning shift change, Dorian had my foley out and had me up and out of bed and using the restroom before 7am!  She also removed my IV, which was a bit overdue--it infiltrated my tissue, so my whole arm looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!  Good thing I'd already been eating and doing everything lefthanded all week. My right hand was useless!  Being up and mobile was quite the shift after being stuck in bed for 4 days.  Dr. Boutros came to check on me and cleared me for release!  After that great news, I was finally able to shower and get dressed.  Sadly, we found a few bed ulcers on my back and backside.  It's a good thing I wasn't in bed for longer than that!  But it was my birthday, and I was ready for some celebration.  Stephen showed up with some surprise gifts and helped get me ready to go home.  Hooray!

Out of bed and opening presents

a Tiffany bracelet to go with the hospital ones!

All my hospital love!  

We said goodbye to the wonderful staff and to Michele and were out of there.  

It's almost been one week since one of the most difficult medical procedures I've ever had, and I'm still a bit of a mess.  Walking is slow, especially since I can't stand up straight.  The pain is intense, but bearable.  I need lots of help--to shower, to carry anything, to get dressed, emptying my drains, and much, much more.    The hardest thing for the boys is seeing the drains.  I think they are a little scary for them. 

But, I'm not complaining.  Everyday gets a little easier.  I have lots of help and am on the mend.  I'm pretty much cancer free and ready to survive whatever comes my way!

Tuesdays with Melodee

Tomorrow is the big day!  I really cannot believe this month has flown by so quickly and that I have already made it to surgery day.  I am feeling many emotions--excited, positive, nervous, anxious, a bit worried, hopeful, full of anticipation, gratitude, and mostly prepared.  I've come this far in the journey, and this is the next big step.  

Last week I mentioned the concerns of having to miss out or give up even more because of this surgery.  I talked about the challenges of coping with a different body but also remembering that I am of worth and known by God.  I was blessed this week with a tender mercy that added a personal touch to this testimony.

I turned to friends and the power of the internet to help me know the best way to get in touch with Kyle's teacher.  After trying to leave messages with the school and email the counselor, I finally went up in person on Friday.  I explained my concerns to the person at the front desk and asked to speak with the counselor or someone who could get me some answers.  {I just overheard another woman being told that they were trying to contact the counselor with no luck, since everyone was just so busy.}  After waiting about 5 minutes, I was brought into a room in the back part of the office to give more background information.  Soon after that briefing, the counselor made an appearance!  We talked about my concerns with cancer and surgery and not being able to bring Kyle to Meet the Teacher or the first day of school, plus wanting his teacher to understand the added stress in our lives.  I explained, tearfully, I'm afraid, that it was difficult to feel like I'm missing out and not having the full experience with Kyle's first year of school.  I didn't want him to feel different or sad about not having his mom around.  It was most important for me to know that Kyle would be successful and not feel unprepared.  I also wanted to make sure that his teacher had the background information that would help explain if things seem shaky or awry in Kyle's home life.  

After I finished talking, the first miracle happened.  When I was done explaining my concerns, the counselor said, "I understand a little of what you're going through.  Two years ago, I had a mastectomy and reconstruction." Seriously?!  What are the odds?  First, that they found the counselor for ME when she was rumored to not be found for someone else and second, that she truly knows what I'm going through.  The minute she shared this with me, I knew my prayers were being answered and that Heavenly Father was just letting me know, "Don't worry! I got this."  She said she would check in on Kyle and make sure he's doing okay and let him know he's loved.  

Then, the second miracle happened.  In walked Kyle's teacher!!!  Teachers were in and out since it wasn't an official work day yet, but his teacher was there right when I needed her to be.  We talked and shared information and I felt much better about being prepared for school to start.

I got home, and experienced the third miracle!  The counselor called and explained that she had shared my concerns with the principal.  They thought it would be appropriate to bring Kyle up to the school on Monday afternoon to have his own, private Meet the Teacher experience!  I could've reached through the phone to hug her!  We went to the school yesterday, took Kyle's supplies up, filled out papers, and got him all ready.  And, I got to be a part of it all!  

 It's hard to call all of these things simple coincidences.  Certainly, I played a role in them happening, but what a witness of a loving Father in Heaven! These tender mercies of life are what helps us have that hope that we ARE known and loved by God and that He cares for even the smallest of our personal, insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-concerns.  They are the miracles that continue to happen  if we but take the time to notice.     

I am grateful that my prayers are heard.  I am grateful that I am known.  It is by the same hand that these miracles happen that I will be blessed in tomorrow's surgery.  He knows and loves me,    

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. {Old Testament, Psalms, Psalm 139:14}

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin 16 & 17

It's been a tough week, gearing up for surgery. There's many preparations to be made for the boys and for the beginning of school for Kyle. Then, we also have to live our regular life, which can be crazy enough on its own! I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I'm saddened about missing the first First Day of School of one of my own children, and the loss of that moment is compounded with the frustration of not feeling heard with my attempts to meet his teacher prior to my surgery. (I'll be in the hospital on the official "meet the teacher" day and unable to drive or get out of bed on the first day.) Kyle's school is brand new, so there are a million things going on there, I'm sure, but it's hard to believe that any teacher, especially a kindergarten teacher, wouldn't have a heart and be willing to make an exception in our case. As a former teacher myself, if I had a mother reach out like this, wanting to give me a heads up on a major home-life event that could effect one of my students, there would be no hesitation to meet her.  I'm trying to figure out a way to get what I want without being THAT parent. And, I'm trying to live normal life while also continuing chemo--a double dose today--keeping up with medications but not taking anything I shouldn't in the week prior to surgery, all while trying not to worry about having a major life-changing, body-altering procedure done in 8 days. 

I've been so concerned with making sure the boys (and Stephen) are taken care of and have everything they need while I'm out that it's just hit me what a big deal this is. I think I'm just now allowing myself to process what's about to happen and the drastic changes ahead. This surgery is turning out to be another test of self-worth because the body I've had for 33 years is about to change. Sure, there have been natural changes, especially after children, but I'm losing a big part of me---well, let's be honest--TWO big parts of me.  Breasts are a big deal, and to have them taken by disease is a hard thing. I'm still young and still want to feel beautiful. I've given up my hair, but that will grow back.  I'm having these reconstructed, but they will always be different.  Apparently, the connection between body image and self worth exists beyond the teenage years, and I'm in the coping process of dealing with those battling ideals. 

An easy place to turn is scripture. I don't think it's a coincidence that the Young Women I work with are focusing on the value of Individual Worth this month, and that has given me an amazing place to start. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (D&C 18:10). As I reviewed this passage, it was if it was written just for me at this time.   Remember, Melodee, that the worth of your SOUL is great. "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the spirit of God dwelleth in you?" (1 Cor 3:16) Have you forgotten that you are a spirit daughter of a king and that your spirit, your soul is precious to Him? You are not this body. YOU are the spirit that dwells with that temple. 

Even though changes beyond my control are being made to this body of mine, I'm trying to keep my spirit strong. I know that I am loved, watched over, protected, and KNOWN. "But the very hairs of your head are numbered." (Matt 10:30). He knows every hair on my head, short and thin, though they be at the moment. After next week, my stomach will be where my breasts once were, but my soul is still of great worth. I have nothing to fear. "And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul."  (Matt 10:28) This surgery will change my body, but it will not destroy ME, for I am my soul and am of infinite worth. 

Wednesday with Naqvi--Herceptin #15

I'm at a strange place in treatment. My "REAL" chemo is complete, but I still have to come every week for a long, LONG time for the easy stuff.  {37 more times, but who's counting?!?}   I am gearing up for surgery, but still have a few weeks before the hard part hits.  It's a little like being in limbo.

Six months ago, I was wondering how I'd ever make it through. Here I am on the other side of the first steep hill.  Surgery will be another difficult point, and then I'll just have to walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, AND....walk until I'm done with Herceptin.  Going through these tough times does something to you. It's changed me in many ways, changed my outlook on things. I like to think that having cancer has actually "cured" a few of my weaknesses, or is at least working at turning them intro strengths. 

Before cancer, I suffered from some conditions that hadn't truly yet been identified as damaging, the worst of these being Acute Pessimism, Impatientosis, Doitmineselfemia, Anal Organizosis, and Traumatic Perfectionism Syndrome.  Not only has my ACTUAL tumor been treated,  my experience with this cancer treatment has given way for these other ailments to ease up, as well.

I always used to say that I'm neither an optimist or a pessimist, but a Realist.  I see now that I was in denial, for "Realist" is just another term for Acute Pessimism.  Instead of trying to look on the bright side of things before, I usually thought of the worst thing that could happen and if anything other than that occurred, it was cause for celebration.  Why always think positively and be disappointed when you can prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't hold true?  Sadly, I really never had cancer in my list of the worst things that could happen, so I was blown away that my usual tactics of Acute Pessimism didn't work this time.  I had to change my ways and start looking for the silver linings, even when times are tough.  I had to switch into becoming more of a positive thinker, erring on the side of optimism.  Positivity goes a long way into healing the body and soul.  My doctor mentioned this to me last week, noting that he can tell that I'm taking this whole situation positively and that has helped my treatment.  Looking more on the silver linings and Tender Mercies instead of the darkness really can help us keep the light, even in dark times.

I have not always been a patient person.  In fact, I wouldn't say I'm as of yet completely cured of my Impatientosis, but I'm seeing signs of improvement.  I've come a long way from my "don't care how, I want it now" days.  7 years of trying for a child plus 3 miscarriages was a big start of the treatment for that.  So was having a husband in school for the first 10 years of our marriage, changing plans and places of residence multiple times, and having to put off buying our first home almost a year after we originally planned, due to unforeseen events--one of those being actually getting pregnant when we WEREN'T trying.  Oh, the irony!!!!  Raising 3 young boys is practice in patience on its own, and now, I'm having to learn patience by balancing the raising of my boys while venturing into the unknown of this cancer journey.  I find myself trying to focus on the truly important things, finding patience to let everything else slide.  That plus coming to understand that things happen in the Lord's timing and truly having the faith to accept His timing has helped me find much more patience.   

Do-it-mine-self-emia seems to be a genetic condition, one that I've unfortunately passed on to at least some of my children.  During my cancer journey, the treatment for this condition has been to literally surviving the complete removal of my ability to do ANYTHING for myself.   I am continually forced to rely on others in order to allow others to serve me and be blessed in the process.  I'm not sure this condition will ever be completely eradicated, but now that I recognize it, I can keep it under control.

Anal Organizosis and Traumatic Perfectionism Syndrome seem to go hand-in-hand with me.  Their symptoms are most often displayed when something is lost or I just couldn't do or make or be as "perfect" a something as I was hoping for.  Most often in the past, I'd have a bit of an freaking out episode, moments of frustration so powerful I wanted to scream,  or lock myself in the closet and cry, or just give up on a project completely because it would never be good enough.  These episodes were usually a culmination of lots of little imperfect moments added up and added up and finally reaching the breaking point.  Like---4 rolls of toilet paper shoved in the toilet, 12 cups of spilled liquid in one day---usually the same days as the floors were mopped, peeing and pooping in bed--usually the same day the sheets were changed, the last puzzle piece {or any toy from a matching set} being misplaced and unable to be found, even after tearing the house apart, leaving the one ingredient I really needed from the grocery store back at the register.....You get the idea.  Amazingly, in the midst of the total chaos that is trying to juggle regular life with young children AND having to give up control and the illusion of perfection due to having breast cancer, I've found a relief for my ailments.  It's been months since my last episode--even when pushed to the limits---like having the baby get into a jar of peanut butter that I'd thrown away, scooping out the remnants and rubbing them all over himself, the trashcan, and the pantry, just in the 5 minutes it took for me to go to the bathroom!  I've learned not to freak out at moments like this because I've realized that I can't control everything, even when, in the past,  I tried to the point of near insanity.  Life isn't perfect.  Sometimes we have grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, or we just can't go to all "the things," or the last cookie in the 4-piece set just goes missing.  And that's okay.  It's more important that my family knows I love them and that we can laugh and stay positive, even through all the imperfections and frustrating times because they WILL happen. 

There's lots of good news going on right now.  I'm being blessed greatly in my ability to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders.  Being more positive, patient, allowing others to help, and letting go of the illusion of perfection is going a long way in my treatment of life's ailments.  Releasing some of those weaknesses is making my burdens even lighter and helping in the healing of my cancer, too!  

Tuesdays with{out} Naqvi

I made my first trek to "The Med Center" today to have my official pre-op with Dr. Boutros.  The first words out of his mouth had nothing to do with surgery.  "We need to have a talk about our quarterback.  What is he THINKING?!?  As much as I hate it for the team, I think they should release him.  I'd rather lose with honor than win by cheating."  Nothing like a little football talk to take the stress off the MASSIVE SURGERY I'm about to have and the mounds of paperwork I have to initial and sign in order to acknowledge my consent to have this procedure and my understanding of the pages and pages of possible side effects and complications.  It's a big deal.  Not just the football stuff--the surgery, too.

After I signed my life away--pretty much literally, at least portions of my body that aren't needed can be thrown away--it was time for the *real* fun part---the "Before" pictures.  There's really nothing like posing for a bunch of nude mug shots, from all angles, in front of people you just met five minutes before.  "Don't worry, " they said.  "We won't post any of these to your Facebook page."  {Thanks!}  

I know this surgery isn't easy, and the recovery is intense, but after all I've been through this year, it's just another bridge to cross.  There's only 2 weeks until the big day and lots still to prepare.  School supplies to buy, plans for the boys to make, meals to prepare, errands to run.....the list goes on and on.  With all the stress involved, there's also a bit of excitement.  Lots of changes coming up, and mostly good ones!