Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin 16 & 17

It's been a tough week, gearing up for surgery. There's many preparations to be made for the boys and for the beginning of school for Kyle. Then, we also have to live our regular life, which can be crazy enough on its own! I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I'm saddened about missing the first First Day of School of one of my own children, and the loss of that moment is compounded with the frustration of not feeling heard with my attempts to meet his teacher prior to my surgery. (I'll be in the hospital on the official "meet the teacher" day and unable to drive or get out of bed on the first day.) Kyle's school is brand new, so there are a million things going on there, I'm sure, but it's hard to believe that any teacher, especially a kindergarten teacher, wouldn't have a heart and be willing to make an exception in our case. As a former teacher myself, if I had a mother reach out like this, wanting to give me a heads up on a major home-life event that could effect one of my students, there would be no hesitation to meet her.  I'm trying to figure out a way to get what I want without being THAT parent. And, I'm trying to live normal life while also continuing chemo--a double dose today--keeping up with medications but not taking anything I shouldn't in the week prior to surgery, all while trying not to worry about having a major life-changing, body-altering procedure done in 8 days. 

I've been so concerned with making sure the boys (and Stephen) are taken care of and have everything they need while I'm out that it's just hit me what a big deal this is. I think I'm just now allowing myself to process what's about to happen and the drastic changes ahead. This surgery is turning out to be another test of self-worth because the body I've had for 33 years is about to change. Sure, there have been natural changes, especially after children, but I'm losing a big part of me---well, let's be honest--TWO big parts of me.  Breasts are a big deal, and to have them taken by disease is a hard thing. I'm still young and still want to feel beautiful. I've given up my hair, but that will grow back.  I'm having these reconstructed, but they will always be different.  Apparently, the connection between body image and self worth exists beyond the teenage years, and I'm in the coping process of dealing with those battling ideals. 

An easy place to turn is scripture. I don't think it's a coincidence that the Young Women I work with are focusing on the value of Individual Worth this month, and that has given me an amazing place to start. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (D&C 18:10). As I reviewed this passage, it was if it was written just for me at this time.   Remember, Melodee, that the worth of your SOUL is great. "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the spirit of God dwelleth in you?" (1 Cor 3:16) Have you forgotten that you are a spirit daughter of a king and that your spirit, your soul is precious to Him? You are not this body. YOU are the spirit that dwells with that temple. 

Even though changes beyond my control are being made to this body of mine, I'm trying to keep my spirit strong. I know that I am loved, watched over, protected, and KNOWN. "But the very hairs of your head are numbered." (Matt 10:30). He knows every hair on my head, short and thin, though they be at the moment. After next week, my stomach will be where my breasts once were, but my soul is still of great worth. I have nothing to fear. "And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul."  (Matt 10:28) This surgery will change my body, but it will not destroy ME, for I am my soul and am of infinite worth.