Six months ago, I was wondering how I'd ever make it through. Here I am on the other side of the first steep hill. Surgery will be another difficult point, and then I'll just have to walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, AND....walk until I'm done with Herceptin. Going through these tough times does something to you. It's changed me in many ways, changed my outlook on things. I like to think that having cancer has actually "cured" a few of my weaknesses, or is at least working at turning them intro strengths.
Before cancer, I suffered from some conditions that hadn't truly yet been identified as damaging, the worst of these being Acute Pessimism, Impatientosis, Doitmineselfemia, Anal Organizosis, and Traumatic Perfectionism Syndrome. Not only has my ACTUAL tumor been treated, my experience with this cancer treatment has given way for these other ailments to ease up, as well.
I always used to say that I'm neither an optimist or a pessimist, but a Realist. I see now that I was in denial, for "Realist" is just another term for Acute Pessimism. Instead of trying to look on the bright side of things before, I usually thought of the worst thing that could happen and if anything other than that occurred, it was cause for celebration. Why always think positively and be disappointed when you can prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't hold true? Sadly, I really never had cancer in my list of the worst things that could happen, so I was blown away that my usual tactics of Acute Pessimism didn't work this time. I had to change my ways and start looking for the silver linings, even when times are tough. I had to switch into becoming more of a positive thinker, erring on the side of optimism. Positivity goes a long way into healing the body and soul. My doctor mentioned this to me last week, noting that he can tell that I'm taking this whole situation positively and that has helped my treatment. Looking more on the silver linings and Tender Mercies instead of the darkness really can help us keep the light, even in dark times.
I have not always been a patient person. In fact, I wouldn't say I'm as of yet completely cured of my Impatientosis, but I'm seeing signs of improvement. I've come a long way from my "don't care how, I want it now" days. 7 years of trying for a child plus 3 miscarriages was a big start of the treatment for that. So was having a husband in school for the first 10 years of our marriage, changing plans and places of residence multiple times, and having to put off buying our first home almost a year after we originally planned, due to unforeseen events--one of those being actually getting pregnant when we WEREN'T trying. Oh, the irony!!!! Raising 3 young boys is practice in patience on its own, and now, I'm having to learn patience by balancing the raising of my boys while venturing into the unknown of this cancer journey. I find myself trying to focus on the truly important things, finding patience to let everything else slide. That plus coming to understand that things happen in the Lord's timing and truly having the faith to accept His timing has helped me find much more patience.
Do-it-mine-self-emia seems to be a genetic condition, one that I've unfortunately passed on to at least some of my children. During my cancer journey, the treatment for this condition has been to literally surviving the complete removal of my ability to do ANYTHING for myself. I am continually forced to rely on others in order to allow others to serve me and be blessed in the process. I'm not sure this condition will ever be completely eradicated, but now that I recognize it, I can keep it under control.
Anal Organizosis and Traumatic Perfectionism Syndrome seem to go hand-in-hand with me. Their symptoms are most often displayed when something is lost or I just couldn't do or make or be as "perfect" a something as I was hoping for. Most often in the past, I'd have a bit of an freaking out episode, moments of frustration so powerful I wanted to scream, or lock myself in the closet and cry, or just give up on a project completely because it would never be good enough. These episodes were usually a culmination of lots of little imperfect moments added up and added up and finally reaching the breaking point. Like---4 rolls of toilet paper shoved in the toilet, 12 cups of spilled liquid in one day---usually the same days as the floors were mopped, peeing and pooping in bed--usually the same day the sheets were changed, the last puzzle piece {or any toy from a matching set} being misplaced and unable to be found, even after tearing the house apart, leaving the one ingredient I really needed from the grocery store back at the register.....You get the idea. Amazingly, in the midst of the total chaos that is trying to juggle regular life with young children AND having to give up control and the illusion of perfection due to having breast cancer, I've found a relief for my ailments. It's been months since my last episode--even when pushed to the limits---like having the baby get into a jar of peanut butter that I'd thrown away, scooping out the remnants and rubbing them all over himself, the trashcan, and the pantry, just in the 5 minutes it took for me to go to the bathroom! I've learned not to freak out at moments like this because I've realized that I can't control everything, even when, in the past, I tried to the point of near insanity. Life isn't perfect. Sometimes we have grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, or we just can't go to all "the things," or the last cookie in the 4-piece set just goes missing. And that's okay. It's more important that my family knows I love them and that we can laugh and stay positive, even through all the imperfections and frustrating times because they WILL happen.
There's lots of good news going on right now. I'm being blessed greatly in my ability to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders. Being more positive, patient, allowing others to help, and letting go of the illusion of perfection is going a long way in my treatment of life's ailments. Releasing some of those weaknesses is making my burdens even lighter and helping in the healing of my cancer, too!
I always used to say that I'm neither an optimist or a pessimist, but a Realist. I see now that I was in denial, for "Realist" is just another term for Acute Pessimism. Instead of trying to look on the bright side of things before, I usually thought of the worst thing that could happen and if anything other than that occurred, it was cause for celebration. Why always think positively and be disappointed when you can prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't hold true? Sadly, I really never had cancer in my list of the worst things that could happen, so I was blown away that my usual tactics of Acute Pessimism didn't work this time. I had to change my ways and start looking for the silver linings, even when times are tough. I had to switch into becoming more of a positive thinker, erring on the side of optimism. Positivity goes a long way into healing the body and soul. My doctor mentioned this to me last week, noting that he can tell that I'm taking this whole situation positively and that has helped my treatment. Looking more on the silver linings and Tender Mercies instead of the darkness really can help us keep the light, even in dark times.
I have not always been a patient person. In fact, I wouldn't say I'm as of yet completely cured of my Impatientosis, but I'm seeing signs of improvement. I've come a long way from my "don't care how, I want it now" days. 7 years of trying for a child plus 3 miscarriages was a big start of the treatment for that. So was having a husband in school for the first 10 years of our marriage, changing plans and places of residence multiple times, and having to put off buying our first home almost a year after we originally planned, due to unforeseen events--one of those being actually getting pregnant when we WEREN'T trying. Oh, the irony!!!! Raising 3 young boys is practice in patience on its own, and now, I'm having to learn patience by balancing the raising of my boys while venturing into the unknown of this cancer journey. I find myself trying to focus on the truly important things, finding patience to let everything else slide. That plus coming to understand that things happen in the Lord's timing and truly having the faith to accept His timing has helped me find much more patience.
Do-it-mine-self-emia seems to be a genetic condition, one that I've unfortunately passed on to at least some of my children. During my cancer journey, the treatment for this condition has been to literally surviving the complete removal of my ability to do ANYTHING for myself. I am continually forced to rely on others in order to allow others to serve me and be blessed in the process. I'm not sure this condition will ever be completely eradicated, but now that I recognize it, I can keep it under control.
Anal Organizosis and Traumatic Perfectionism Syndrome seem to go hand-in-hand with me. Their symptoms are most often displayed when something is lost or I just couldn't do or make or be as "perfect" a something as I was hoping for. Most often in the past, I'd have a bit of an freaking out episode, moments of frustration so powerful I wanted to scream, or lock myself in the closet and cry, or just give up on a project completely because it would never be good enough. These episodes were usually a culmination of lots of little imperfect moments added up and added up and finally reaching the breaking point. Like---4 rolls of toilet paper shoved in the toilet, 12 cups of spilled liquid in one day---usually the same days as the floors were mopped, peeing and pooping in bed--usually the same day the sheets were changed, the last puzzle piece {or any toy from a matching set} being misplaced and unable to be found, even after tearing the house apart, leaving the one ingredient I really needed from the grocery store back at the register.....You get the idea. Amazingly, in the midst of the total chaos that is trying to juggle regular life with young children AND having to give up control and the illusion of perfection due to having breast cancer, I've found a relief for my ailments. It's been months since my last episode--even when pushed to the limits---like having the baby get into a jar of peanut butter that I'd thrown away, scooping out the remnants and rubbing them all over himself, the trashcan, and the pantry, just in the 5 minutes it took for me to go to the bathroom! I've learned not to freak out at moments like this because I've realized that I can't control everything, even when, in the past, I tried to the point of near insanity. Life isn't perfect. Sometimes we have grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, or we just can't go to all "the things," or the last cookie in the 4-piece set just goes missing. And that's okay. It's more important that my family knows I love them and that we can laugh and stay positive, even through all the imperfections and frustrating times because they WILL happen.
There's lots of good news going on right now. I'm being blessed greatly in my ability to carry the burdens placed on my shoulders. Being more positive, patient, allowing others to help, and letting go of the illusion of perfection is going a long way in my treatment of life's ailments. Releasing some of those weaknesses is making my burdens even lighter and helping in the healing of my cancer, too!
LOVE IT!
ReplyDelete