Tuesdays With Naqvi

I am officially 6 months CANCER FREE!!!!!  My body is continuing to btho cancer, and I appreciate all the happy thoughts and prayers on my behalf.  There is so much strength in positivity and in a collective faith.  Thank you, thank you, pink warriors! 

Dr. Naqvi said my results look great, and all of my numbers are outstanding.  I'm just still too fat.  I've lost 7 lbs. in 3 months, but she wanted me to lose 20.  I guess it's on to 1,000 calories a day.  But, maybe we'll just wait until 2015.  I don't have to see her for another 3 months!!!

Tuesdays at Labcorp

I try not to let my thoughts dwell on the C-word.  In fact, I would be happy to completely forget all about it--stop taking my meds, stop worrying about the future,  and stop going to oncologists or breast surgeons.  Oh, the time it would free!  However, I know I must stay vigilant in my fight to conquer this cancer and do all I can to keep it from returning. 

It's that time, again---time for blood work to be drawn and sent away for testing.  Every 3 months I have a check to make sure my body is still cancer-free.  Even though I do not live in constant fear that it will return, there is always some trepidation during this week's time of testing to results.  If you feel so inclined, I ask for your thoughts and prayers for clear results next week.  I will meet with Dr. Naqvi next Tuesday morning, and will hopefully have a Christmas miracle for which to be thankful.

Much love!   

Happy Pinktober

I've always loved pink.  B.C. {before cancer}, pink was just one of my favorite colors; now it is a reminder of strength and survival.  Pink also serves as an incentive to spread awareness and to prompt women everywhere to take care of themselves.   

Get ready for it, because pink is coming.  All that breast cancer awareness stuff is about to hit you right in the face from every store and every department.....even from the toilet paper aisle.  Some might say companies take advantage of the popularity of Pink, selling products without really donating much to the cause.  As a breast cancer survivor, I am not offended by the sight of pink ribbons anywhere.  If one woman sees pink on a package of dog food and decides to schedule a mammogram, which could detect early breast cancer, that packaging did its job.  If one penny from each sale is all that goes to funding research, it's a penny more than was there before.  Pink is about awareness and encouraging people to schedule routine well-checks.

I was only 33 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, a much earlier age than the beginning of recommended routine mammograms.  And, admittedly, I was not great at performing monthly self breast exams.  If Stephen had not felt the lump and encouraged me to seek further medical attention, I might not be here today.  He truly saved my life.  

Don't ever feel like you are too young, don't need to be concerned because you have no family history, so you don't need breast exams.  You do!!!  Whether you are inspired by a pink ribbon on a can of pumpkin puree or simply remember my story of survival---whatever your reason---schedule your yearly well-check or mammogram sometime this month if you are not current and remember to do your monthly self {or with help} exams.    

Tuesdays with Melodee--Survivor Playlist

I love music.  This love isn't necessarily exhibited in the ways I'm sure my mother dreamed it would be when she named me Melodee, though.  Instead of piano performances and solos on stage, I'm more likely to plug in my iTunes, turn the volume way up, and jam while doing housework.  I sing, but in the front seat or the shower.

Music has been a great source of comfort over the years.  From my years of teenage angst, locking myself in my room with Counting Crows on repeat after a hard day of school, to working in the classroom with students who responded more to music than mathsheets, to hours upon hours of sitting in the chemo chair, music has an important place in my heart.

While I was in treatment, songs I'd heard before found new meaning.  New songs struck new chords because of my new experiences.  Music helped buoy me through the difficult times.  Music was a release, a refuge, and a respite from the hurt, heartache, and hard days.  Instead of watching TV during the lengthy days at chemo, I chose to listen to uplifting words or inspirational music to pass the time and give me strength and determination to overcome.

I began to create a Survivor Playlist of songs that motivated me to fight and inspired me to look on the bright side, and I'm sharing it because one of these songs might help someone else when they need a little lifting up.  

Here's my list so far {and if you have more songs to add, please share!!!}:


Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)--Green Day
It's My Life--No Doubt
Time Like These--Foo Fighters
It's My Life--Bon Jovi
New Attitude--Patti LaBelle
Hit Me With Your Best Shot--Pat Benatar
Feelin' Stronger Every Day--Chicago
You Gotta Be--Des'ree
Celebrate Good Times--Funktown America
Survivor--Destiny's Child
It's Not My Time--3 Doors Down
Stronger--Kelly Clarkson
Move Along--The All-American Rejects
For Reasons Unknown--The Killers
Fighter--Christina Aguilera
Fix You--Coldplay
Beat It--Michael Jackson
Don't Stop the Music--Rihanna
Titanium--David Guetta (Feat. Sia)
Bulletproof--La Roux
Brave--Sara Bareilles
Beautiful Day--U2
Walking on Sunshine--Katrina & the Waves
Happy--Pharell Williams
Dream On--Depeche Mode
Alive--Pearl Jam
Ain't No Mountain High Enough--Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
The Climb--Miley Cyrus
We Will Rock You--Queen
Try--Pink
Smile Like You Mean It--The Killers
I Run for Life--Melissa Etheridge
Radioactive--Imagine Dragons
Don't Stop Believin'--Journey
Eye of the Tiger--Survivor
I Will Survive--Gloria Gaynor
Sometimes you Can't Make it on Your Own--U2
Never Let Me Down Again--Depeche Mode
Celebrity Skin--Hole
Miss Atomic Bomb--The Killers
1999-Prince
Diamonds--Rihanna
Free Fallin-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
My Name is Jonas--Weezer
Any Way You Want It--Journey
Overcomer--Mandisa
Desire--U2
Follow Me--Muse
Get On Your Boots--U2
Giving Up the Gun--Vampire Weekend
Here Comes the Sun--Beatles
Learn to Fly--Foo Fighters
Let It Be--Beatles
A Little's Enough--Angels & Airwaves
Meet Me Halfway--The Black Eyed Peas
Mr. Brightside--The Killers
Pumped Up Kicks--Foster the People
Set Fire to the Rain--Adele
Shine--Collective Soul
Wonderful Life--Gwen Stefani


I continue to add to this list all the time, for even though I am officially a Breast Cancer Survivor, there is always another mountain to climb, another stumbling block in the way, and another trial to overcome.   If music helps the hard times seem a little easier, that's just one of the many weapons we can us to conquer whatever challenges my come our way.  

   

Tuesdays with Naqvi--3 Month Check-up

It's been 3 months since I was officially cancer-free, and that means it's time for lab work and a cancer screening.  I must admit I've had a little anxiety about this first one.  Did they really get it all?  Am I still going to be clear?  Will I be the girl who cried "cancer-free," only to be saying, "never mind" only a few months later?

Thankfully, I am still cancer free!!!!  Dr. N said that all my numbers look "amazing."  Everything is up from where it was 3 months ago!  She wants me to start taking a Vitamin D supplement, since that's still not up to where she would like it to be.  Other than that, my results look great.  What a relief to have that over with.

Dr. Naqvi asked how everything else is going,  including taking Tamoxifen.  "Hot flashes?"  {Yes.}  "Your cycle is all over the place?" {Yes.}  "That happens.  You need to lose weight."  {I've been trying.  Gave up sodas.  Have been working out 6 days a week and trying to eat better.}  "You need to lose 15-20 pounds."  {Last time you said it was 10-15, and I've lost 5!}  "I think you've gained, so you need to lose more."  {We'll see in 3 months.}  I like that she's direct, but it would be nice to get credit for working so hard and getting nowhere!  At least everyone noticed my change of hair color and that it's growing back! 


I also had my yearly "skin exam" today.  I no longer have "breast exams," since my breast are now only skin deep.  I will have an exam of my remaining 2% breast and the skin that was left each year, to keep on top of things from that side, too.  Dr. P said they look great and she has no concerns!

I'm thankful for good news on this Tuesday.  Now I don't need to worry about things for another 3 months!

Throwback Thursday--One Year Old

Happy birthday to my girls!  The twins are officially one year old today, and I'm still adjusting to this major change to my life and body.

Exactly one year ago I checked in for a bilateral mastectomy and breast reconstruction,  just hoping this was the best option for keeping me cancer-free.  Removing both of my breasts, which would eliminate about 98% of the tissue that held my tumor and could possibly lead to more cancer in my future, was radical, but I felt like there really was no other decision.  Lumpectomy + radiation for my tumor size would remove and destroy a large amount of tissue and would require plastic surgery, anyway.  A unilateral mastectomy left too high of a risk of recurrence.  All my options kept coming back around.  If I was going to need more treatments and additional surgery, anyway, I might as well take care of everything, all at once.  So, in I went, and off they came.       

One year later, I'm healed, physically, but I bear some major battle scars.  Let's start with the positive:  The breasts actually do look pretty good.
 

{The scars here have healed amazingly.  If only they looked this good everywhere! You can only see the work from my 2nd reconstructive surgery, plus the scars from the drains.}

There are some negatives: First, my tattoos are distinctly uneven.  The abdominal scar is still quite severe, and the chasm where the remaining fat and tissue was reconnected is quite noticeable, since I didn't have any additional sculpting work done. 

 {One year after surgery: My least favorite reminder.  It's MUCH better than it was a year ago, though.}

 {Before: One week after surgery.}

I do not have much sensation--neither in my breasts nor around my abdominal scar--other than when I still feel some tingling or a few deeper aches and pains.  There is definitely no getting around the fact that I have had some major surgeries.  The scars scream their story.

Mentally and emotionally, I'm much better.  Removing the port, completing chemo, and hearing a cancer-free diagnosis  happened in about a month's time frame and, miraculously, all helped to lift the fog.  Even when trying to remain strong and positive through the battle, there are countless mental and emotional burdens--along with the physical ones--when trudging through the unknown and darkness of a trial, which is possibly best described as being "heavy laden."  Once that final load had been lifted and the darkest parts were over, I began to feel so much more like myself again!  {Having hair that looks more like an intentional cut rather than growing out from baldness and having enough that it can actually be styled in more than 2 ways is liberating, as well.}  I knew exactly what it meant to be given "rest."  As our Savior puts it: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." {Matthew 11:28}  When we do all that we can do, there comes a point where Jesus takes over, and we can rest from trying to carry those heavy burdens alone. I still have my moments of sadness at the loss.  I see the scars in the mirror every day and sometimes feel grotesque.  It's frustrating to have a body that doesn't work and move like it used to and be on medications that cause weight gain and other side effects.  There is a balance to be found between sadness for what is no longer and gratitude to be here at all.          

In thinking about this 1st anniversary of my new body, I still wonder why this all had to happen.  I probably won't know all of the answers to this question in this life, but as time goes on, I see more and more how this trial has been able to strengthen me and has blessed my life and the lives of those around me.  Even though many emotional and physical scars from my breast cancer story remain, I feel great peace.   This peace can only come by having faith and hope that God is in charge.  Cancer is an interesting thing.  There is no guarantee that I will stay in remission for the rest of my life.  My behaviors cannot buy that kind of insurance, neither can my doctors offer it.  Only God knows, as The American Cancer Society all but admits: "Even with our current understanding of how cancer develops and grows, this disease is mostly a mystery and not within human control." Being afraid of recurrence does no good, either.  Allowing myself to slip into fear would go against everything faith and hope stand for.  Jesus has promised us peace, which drowns out fear.  "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  {John 14:27}  Peace drowns out fear, and we have all been promised peace, if we will but seek it.  Quentin L. Cook has said, "Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies.”  Strengthening my faith and doing my best to come unto Christ was what helped me throughout my cancer journey.  That faith and hope help me to journey on. 

In answering the question of how I feel now, one year after this radical and body-altering decision:  I feel peace. 

Two Months Free--And Trying to Be Like Jesus

 Two months ago today I heard those wonderful results: "You're Cancer Free!"  

So much has happened since then.  We've moved.  I'm no longer blonde.  Well, those are the major things.   

One of my goals during my treatment was "to not shrink," to actually come out of the process stronger, {hopefully} wiser, with a stronger faith and better attitude of thanksgiving for my Savior and for all the tender mercies and silver linings that exist, even in the darkest hours.  I wanted to make a point to make something of my journey, to fight and survive, to enjoy life, even when it, at times, frankly sucked.  

It's fitting that I saw this quote this morning from a breast cancer site I follow:

Believe me---I know it is hard to enjoy life every day and during every trial.  That's why she calls it "the trick."  None of us enjoy being in the storms if life or feeling the heat from the refiner's fire.  However, even during the most challenging moments of life, we have much for which to be grateful.  We can enjoy so much of life, even while only holding onto hope that better days are ahead.  We have to keep living.  Only in pressing forward will we grow and will our burdens be lightened.  

I made a goal of studying more about Christ and trying to become more Christlike.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I was asked to speak in church 3 times in the last 18 months, and all 3 subjects related to our Savior.  What a blessing it has been for me to share my testimony.  I share it here today, as I celebrate 2 months of freedom from cancer.

One of my favorite primary songs begins:
"I'm trying to be like Jesus; I'm following in his ways."

Even as children, we begin to learn that we should turn to Jesus for an example and that two of the most important verbs in that experience are “trying” and “following.”   Jesus has shown us the way and has commanded us to follow and to try to become like him. 

In 3Ne 27: 27  our Savior asks, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.”

We have this commandment to be like the Savior, but what kind of man is he?  A good place to start this study is the scriptures, which are full of examples of attributes of Christ. 

Alma 7:23-24 as alma is bearing his testimony to the people of Giddeon:

 And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.
 And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

2 Peter 1:4-8

Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature,
 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
  And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
  And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

Article of Faith # 13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
 

I don’t think it is a coincidence that many of these values and attributes can be found in mottos and themes with which we are probably familiar. 

You might recognize:
The Relief Society Theme, “Charity Never Faileth,”

Or, from the Scout Law: A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, and reverent.
 

The Young Women motto and theme have a similar feel: Stand for Truth and Righteousness and
strive to live the Young Women values, which are:
Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue
 

The Faith in God Award, as well as My Gospel Standards, for primary children, repeat many of these attributes.  Christ like behavior is found all throughout the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet, church magazines, and the topics of gospel lessons, conference talks.  These reminders to Follow in the ways of Jesus and try to be like Him are all around us.
 

The Prophet Ezra Taft Benson summed up Christlike attributes by quoting

D&C 4: 6
6 Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
About this section of scripture, The prophet
“These are the virtues we are to emulate. This is the Christlike character.”
 

Our Savior is perfect, complete., and He expects us to become perfect, too. 
 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” [Matthew 5:48.]
 

Joseph Fielding Smith said:

… I believe the Lord meant just what He said, that we should be perfect, as our Father in heaven is perfect. That will not come all at once, but line upon line and precept upon precept, example upon example, and even then not as long as we live in this mortal life, for we will have to go even beyond the grave before we reach that perfection and shall be like God.
But here we lay the foundation. Here is where we are taught these simple truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in this probationary state, to prepare us for that perfection. It is my duty, it is yours, to be better today than I was yesterday, and for you to be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow than you were today. Why? Because we are on that road, if we are keeping the commandments of the Lord, we are on that road to perfection, and that can only come through obedience and the desire in our hearts to overcome the world. …

Sometimes it may feel overwhelming, this commandment to be perfect, to be like our Savior at all times, and in all things, and in all places.  Being perfected is a life-long process.  In order to succeed and begin to develop Christ like Attributes, I suggest a 3-step process—first, start where you are, do not compare yourself to others, and rely on the Savior. 
 

1)Start where you are.  Each of us has been given unique talents and spiritual gifts.  We are all born with the Light of Christ.  We all have a place to start.
D&C 46: 11-12

11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.
 12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

Bruce R. McKonkie said, “spirtitual gifts are endless in number and infinite in variety.” 
 

The scriptures list many specific gifts, attributes of the Savior, that each one of us has been given as a starting place, something that is more easily developed within us.  As we read through these lists, we should identify our talents and discover places to start to emulate the Savior. 
 

Elder Marvin J. Ashton and Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve listed other spiritual gifts.  See if you recognize yourself as being blessed with these:
asking
listening
hearing and using a still, small voice
being able to weep
avoiding contention
being agreeable       

avoiding vain repetition
seeking that which is righteous         

not passing judgment
looking to God for guidance
being a disciple                 

caring for others
being able to ponder
offering prayer                 

bearing a mighty testimony
receiving the Holy Ghost
being able to calm             

being able to be calm
being able to care             

being able to study
 

This list could go on and on.  We all have been given spiritual gifts so there is an easy place to begin our journey of following Jesus and Trying to be like him. 

Once we identify some of our spiritual gifts and have a place to start, we may have to start where we are every single day until we overcome a challenge or practice a new attribute.  I have to wake up every morning and try my hardest to not lose patience with my children.  Every day I start where I am.  This is ok, for our Heavenly Father understands that we will make mistakes.  We can repent.  We can start fresh.  We can renew covenants weekly by taking the sacrament.  It's okay to take baby steps in the journey of following Jesus.  
Lorenzo Snow reminds us to start where we are.  “Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today. The temptations that perhaps partially overcome us today, let them not overcome us so far tomorrow. Thus continue to be a little better day by day;
Elder Bednar has repeated this thought: “If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that's enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that's enough.”
Just Start where you are. 

2) Do not compare yourself to others—neither in an attempt to make yourself feel better about where you are nor worse. 
Just like we all have to start where we are, everyone else is doing the same and no one else has the same starting point.  Nothing good can come of comparing our journey to that of one of our brothers or sisters. 
Merrill J. Christensen gave a talk in 2007 on Comparing, Competing, and Individual Worth.  He said: 

Comparison of our weaknesses with others’ talents or of our talents with those who are truly gifted can be discouraging and may decrease our sense of self-worth. Such comparison may lead to the sins of envy and ingratitude as we focus on and fret about what we don’t have rather than on what we have been given.

Ezra Taft Benson spoke on Pride and discussed how comparing and competing with others to make yourself feel better about where you are often leads to mediocrity.   

Only compare yourself today to the person you were yesterday or with the Savior and keep trying to become more like Him.  
Not one person’s story is just like ours, not their strengths, nor weaknesses; not their triumphs, nor trials.  We have made a covenant to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  We must learn to comfort and mourn with others without comparing or competing, for without the Savior, none of us will ever have the hope of becoming perfect.  

 Brother Christensen continued, “In the last chapter of the Gospel of John, we read of Jesus’ charge to Peter as the two walked along the seashore:
Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following. . . . Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me. [John 21:20–22]
The message to Peter and to us is clear: “Don’t concern yourself with others’ assignments or performance. You worry about what I’ve asked you to do.”

Comparing our journey to others’ will only distract us from pressing forward and following in Jesus’ ways. 
 

3) Rely on the Savior
It was the Savior himself who said,  “come, follow me.”  This commandment was given to his disciples, to the rich young man, and to us.
John 10: 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
 

Our Savior has promised us that He will never leave us alone, that we may always have his spirit to be with us, and  that when we follow him and rely on Him, he will ease our burdens.  

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light. 

Because the Savior has already led the way, and because the Atonement allows us to repent and change for the better, we have the hope of becoming perfect through the grace of the Savior.  It is only when we rely on Him that we will begin to change.  
If we don’t know where else to turn, we can rely on the Savior through prayer.  

Moroni 7:48 

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

In this scripture, we are promised that praying unto the Father "with all the energy of heart" and continuing on in a path that follows in the Savior's ways will eventually lead us to becoming like Him.  Relying on the Savior, taking His yoke upon us, following in His ways, using the Atonement---it's the only way we can hope to become more perfect.  

President Lorenzo Snow,

Our hearts should be set on things above; to strive after that perfection which was in Christ Jesus, who was perfectly obedient in all things unto the Father, and so obtained His great exaltation and became a pattern unto His brethren. Why should we fret and worry over these temporal things when our destiny is so grand and glorious? If we will cleave unto the Lord, keep His commandments, pattern after His perfections and reach out unto the eternal realities of His heavenly kingdom, all will be well with us and we shall triumph and obtain the victory in the end.

Our greatest hope of becoming like our Savior is by coming unto Him.  We are commanded to do so, but are offered the promise that by doing so, we will be perfected in Him.  
Moroni 10:32  

Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

The Savior is our perfect example.  All good things are characteristics of Him.  We have been commanded to be like the Savior and to become perfect ourselves, but this task is one on which we can never give up. 
If everyday we start where we are.  Avoid comparing ourselves to others, and rely on the Savior, we will become more complete and more perfect day by day.   

As Gordon B. Hinckley so beautifully admonished us.  Simply "Try a little harder to be a little better."

BTHO Cancer Party

I have many, MANY pictures from my big btho cancer party.  Instead of posting them all on this blog,  HERE is the link to our family blog that documented the whole thing.  We wanted to beat the hell outta cancer, and we did it!!!! {I say "we" because winning this battle was not done by one person.  It took an army of supporters to help me make it through to the other side.}

Thank you for all the love, support, words of encouragement, faith, service, concern, prayers, donations, and happy thoughts.  I would not have made it through this journey being able to see the tender mercies and silver linings without all of you.  I hope to pay this love and support forward when some of you have your own battles to fight. 

There will be times when each of us is faced with something that turns our world upside down.  Remember that during these times of trial, these storms in life, we are being tested.  We have much to learn and many ways in which to grow.  When we face the storms with faith and not fear, we come out stronger.  Without the tests, we cannot prove to ourselves and to The Lord who we are and what we have become.  Some storms come and go quickly, leaving sunshine and rainbows behind. Some storms beat upon us and never seem to cease.  Either way, we can look for silver linings and learn to find the light, even when the skies seem dark.

And, when it's hard to dance, just remember that these challenging times in life are making us stronger and more able to withstand future storms.  

 

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain, 

 
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil, 

 
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength. 

 
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both. 

 

 

 And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

 

 

 

Tuesdays with Melodee

I've officially been a breast cancer survivor for almost a month now.   What a blessing, a relief, and a feeling of overcoming!  I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but sometime between finishing that last chemo and receiving the all-clear diagnosis, I started to feel more like myself.  I truly believe that I'll be forever changed in someways, but it feels great to be able to shed that breast cancer skin.  Maybe it had to do with feeling like I was holding my breath and just trying to keep it all together until I was finally done.  Maybe it had to do with finishing all the reconstruction and finally getting the tattoos that sealed the deal.  Maybe it was just allowing myself to feel like I could be "normal" again.  Whatever the reasons, I'm glad to be back.  I never fully left, I guess, but having to live everyday in battle-mode, fighting the pain, the sickness, the disease, and the fear of the unknown takes its toll.

To celebrate, my sister threw me an amazing B.T.H.O. cancer party.  I'm still working on getting all the pictures together, but here's a little sneak peak.   

On of my favorite quotes surrounding this battle was a mini-theme for the party: "She is the perfect combination of princess and warrior."

Princess 

Warrior

 I'm quite certain breast cancer will not be my life's only battle to fight, for there is much more for me to learn.  I hope to remember to face future "Goliaths" with the same warrior/princess attitude. 
 

 

 

One last thought for today.  

The week after my cancer-free day, we ate some Chinese food, and this was my fortune:

 Happier days are definitely ahead!  

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Results

Well, people.  It's official.  I'M CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I got my final results in, and all of my blood work is completely normal.  It was so nice to hear such amazing words from Dr. Naqvi this morning.  All of the pain, suffering, time, and sacrifice has paid off.  I am officially a survivor!

As is fitting for my life, the appointment didn't go quite as planned.  I expected this appointment to be no big deal.  I knew everyone was quite confident about the results, so I assumed I would show up, walk in, get my results,  and walk out.  Because of that assumption, I didn't bother with trying to find someone to watch Evan.  THE ONE TIME I take him with me, you can imagine what happened.  EVERYONE ELSE also decided to have an appointment today!!!!  I waited for an hour and 40 minutes to see the doctor for 5!!!  WITH A TWO-YEAR-OLD!!!!  But, Evan was very good.  I had plenty to keep him entertained for a hour, and then we walked all over the halls until my name was called.  I got many, MANY compliments on his behavior, so---we fooled 'em all, Evan!  And then I did get my results and walk out happy!  Plus, I got to have someone from my family there to celebrate the moment I heard the good news.

Now what?  For the next 2 years, I will go back for blood work and check-ups every 3 months.  After that, I graduate to once every 6 months.  Eventually, it will be just once a year.  Although there is some concern that cancer could return, mostly because of my type and my age, I feel confident in knowing that I will be closely monitored for the rest of my life and even if something does come back, most likely we should catch it quickly.

   
 Dr. Naqvi's only real concern for me now is to lose weight.  The Tamoxifen I take---and will continue to take for at least 10 years---blocks Estrogen, thus making my metabolism basically nothing.  So, not only have I been taking steroids for a year, now I'm on a drug that suppresses my metabolism.  No wonder I feel like I'm going nowhere!  Here's the *great* news on what I have to do:  fruits, vegetables.  No fat.  No sugar.  Get sugar from fruit and maybe honey.  No cheese.  No fried foods.  No pizza.  1,000 calories a day.  Just when I was really starting to like everything Dr. Naqvi was saying about me beating cancer and being officially cancer-free and stuff, she has to go an say something like "no cheese," and totally blow it.  I guess I will just have to work that much harder since my body is working against me.  But, I can do it.  I'm a survivor!

 
  As for now, I am looking forward to feeling more "normal," or more like my normal self.  I feel blessed and grateful for all the love, support, and service that helped me survive this journey.  I will always be on the defensive against cancer.  I will have to take some sort of drug for the rest of my life to help block my receptors and try to prevent this disease from attacking me again.  I have fought a good fight and will continue to guard against a return.  It feels good to survive the war!
 

Portless

I had my port removed yesterday, and there is something so freeing about that!  Part of me wonders if we pulled it out a little prematurely, as I haven't yet received my final labs and complete cancer-free clearance, but I guess Dr. Naqvi is so confident that everything will come back clear that she gave the go ahead to take the darn thing out. 

After the full-on surgery it took to put the port it, it's amazing how non-serious the removal was.  I simply went into Dr. Pollack's office, changed into a gown, and got up on the table.  In came Dr. P and her nurse, and we were ready to go. 

The worst part was at first, when they shot up the area with a big needle full of lidocaine.  I stung and burned a little, but nothing terrible.  I was under the impression that I would have to wait a bit for the drug to take effect--maybe because I have to wait for the lidocaine cream I used before chemo to work for an hour.  I guess that just shows the difference in potency.  There was no wait time.  Dr. P turned around to put down the needle and came back with a scalpel.

It was such a strange experience, lying there and watching the whole procedure.  I couldn't feel any pain, but could feel pressure and tugging.  I could see a little blood every now and then and just tried to stay completely still.  At first, Dr. P had to search a little for the port.  The nurse joked about how, "well, we know it's in there!"  Once it was located, she began to remove it.  She pulled and pulled, and finally the nurse said, "It's out!"  {I kept thinking of so many references to some kind of alien creature busting out of my body.}  

After a little pressure and blood stoppage, Dr. P stitched me up, and I was ready to go.  Months and months of this contraption under my skin and 20 minutes to get it out.  {I've had teeth removed that took longer.}  I'm free!

Dr. Pollack was the first specialist I saw on the day I found out about my diagnosis.  I've come a long way since that day!  

 

Inked

I can cross "getting a tattoo" off my bucket list. Today, I got two of them, but they will never be seen by most people. I'm now a person with hidden tats!

The final step of my breast reconstruction involved the tattooing of the areola around my constructed nipples. Even though I don't have much sensation in that area anymore, I was instructed to use numbing cream before the procedure.  Once I got to the office, they measured and marked me up. Then came the process of mixing a color. We wanted to get just the right balance of brown and pink, using my natural coloring before surgery as a guide. After the color was right, it was time to ink away. My skin is pretty sensitive, which means it took the color well, but also bled quite a bit.  Because of that, the nurse wasn't able to do one final pass over the left side.  I might have to go back for touch-ups if I'm not happy after the saturation fades. 

What a journey it has been to complete this surgery!  They asked me today about my overall experience, and I know I made the right decision to go with Dr. Boutros. I have been so happy with the results. However, I was in no way prepared for the severity of the surgery. I was not sufficiently humbled about the recovery, the pain, my inability to function for a significant length of time, the emotional roller coaster accompanied with that recovery, the costs, and the overall length of time required. I would not choose a different path, but I wish I had understood a little more about what to expect. 

So many of the steps of this process are all coming to an end. There has been so much waiting and trudging along and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I've finished chemo. I'm through with surgery. My breasts are totally reconstructed. I get my port out next week. I'll do labs on the 20th and have my official date of freedom on the 27th. It's really happening, and I don't even feel like I'm jinxing it by talking about it. 

Because I'm that confident, bold, and daring.  I've got tattoos, remember?

All ready for tattoos---there's the machine behind me. 

Katie did a great job!  

Hooray for easy procedures!

Tuesdays with{out} Naqvi

 A whole week has gone by since I finished my last chemo!

I kept meaning to post these pictures of my cancer team, but the week has been BEYOND crazy.

Here are some of the people who helped me on my way to being a cancer SURVIVOR!!!

Dr. Naqvi:

Jane and Lily.  Jane was at the practice when I started last year, left for a few months, and now is back.  It's like the circle of life.

There have been 2 other nurses who helped in my treatment process, but these 2 have been there from the beginning and saw me to the end!!

What a great feeling it is to be done!!!! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #51, 52--LAST TREATMENT!!!!!

We made it!  Today is the day of my very last treatment on this breast cancer journey.  This road has been long, bumpy, difficult, full of twists and unexpected turns and delays.  There have been days that I did not want to keep going and thought I would never make it to the end.  Today, I am ready to make a turn and keep moving forward on another path, with renewed goals, strength, and faith.  I am humbled at the service, love, and support that my family and I have received.  There have been many, MANY times that we were only able to keep moving forward because you carried us.  This has been a journey of many and a journey of personal faith.  

Much of last year was a strenuous and steep climb.  Out of necessity, there were months upon months that my family was unable to do much in the way of "normal" activities.  We cut out sports, chose to not attend many outings in which we would come in contact with germs, and even church.  We were basically absent from our weekly meetings for half of the year between my lack of an immune system, extreme nausea, hospital stays and surgeries, inability to get out of bed, or just complete exhaustion.  Even though there were moments that I was grateful for the day of rest and the ability to just stay home, I missed the weekly renewal and blessings from regular church attendance.  

When I was finally healthy enough to start going back, the difference was made even more apparent.  I will never forget one meeting, when I was finally able to go back after being absent for months.  We had a disscusion on  the topic of conversion.  What is it?   In a nutshell: changing one’s beliefs, heart, and life to accept and conform to the will of God.   During the discussion, someone said that they were actually jealous, at times, of people who had made the decision to be baptized later in life, "converts," because they could pinpoint when they were converted.  For those who had been raised in a church, baptized in childhood, and continued to attend, it wasn't so easy to know.  I remember having a different opinion, as I only have a few memories of my childhood baptism, but I can exactly remember times in my life where I know I became converted and had a testimony.  

One occured when I was 18 years old.  I was making choices that were not leading me in a positive direction--spiritually, educationally, and in life in general.  I woke up one morning and knew immediately that I needed to make some changes.  It was almost like lightning striking.  My heart was changed and my path along with it.  I can look back to that exact moment in my history and see how very different my life would've been if I hadn't made the decision to be converted.  

Back to the discussion at that church meeting, someone mentioned that when we have questions or are not sure of our testimony of something, Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet, taught to perform and experiment of faith.  

But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. (Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 32:27)

He goes on to discuss how if we even plant a tiny seed or particle of faith in something in our hearts and truly look for that seed to bloom, we will be able to see if it is good or bad.  

Although it is not the experiment I had planned, and not one I would recommend, I realized that out of necessity, much of the year had been an experiment on being converted.  Was I converted to my faith in Jesus Christ?  Was I converted to faithful church attendance?  Did I believe that I am blessed and loved by a Heavenly Father and a Savior, even in the midst of terrible trials?  Being unable to attend church, renew convenants, feel the spirit there, or receive those blessings from going was an experiment that cancer provided, an eye-opening one at that.  The difference in life was visible.  At 34 years old, I now had another moment to pinpoint in my conversion story.  

Why should we be converted?  Why not just do our best and not worry about the rest?  Why not just simply try to be a good person and hope that things all work out?  In Acts, we read:   

   19 ¶Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord; (New Testament, Acts, Chapter 3)

Knowing that you are on the Lord's side, that you have a humble heart, that you are trying to keep the commandments and do what is right, that you repent of your sins and come unto Christ, those are a few of the reasons I see on the importance of being converted.  For me, it is not enough to just float through life, seeing where the wind and waves take you.  For the wind is not always a gentle breeze and the waves are not always calm.  If you are not converted before the storms hit, how much easier it is to become blown away and lost.  Being firmly planted on solid ground, on the rock of our Redeemer, even Jesus Christ, is how I have made it through many of life's storms.     

Beyond just having faith and believing that He will bless me, I have learned that He does strengthen us.  He is able to bless us enough to withstand all afflictions. If we come unto Him and be converted, he will not only bless us for our faith, but many scriptures talk of how He will not only bless us, but he will HEAL us.  

 15 For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. (New Testament, Matthew, Chapter 13)

Sometimes, we are healed physically.  Sometimes, we lose physical battles, but we are healed emotionally.  We can't always understand why trials come our way or why they are not always healed in the ways we would chose, but we are promised that being converted in our faith in Jesus Christ will heal us.  

I have grown stronger in my faith and understanding our how faith can strengthen us to overcome impossible tasks.  I have overcome many trials and not on my own.  I have been healed of cancer, being more fortunate than many others who have lost their battles.  I am grateful for my strength, the love of family and friends, and for the blessings of being even more converted after my experiment of faith over the last 15+ months.  

Hopefully the journey my being able to share some of my experiences have strengthened some of you, for I have attempted to follow these words: 

 

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. (New Testament, Luke, Chapter 22)

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #49, 50

Remember when I said that April would be the month I finish chemo?  That statement was prefaced with something like, "as long as everything goes according to plan."  I don't know why I ever allow myself to think that a plan for my life would ever just fall into place!  

As I was explaining how excited I am about only having one more chemo after this, my nurse wasn't so sure about those numbers.  She went to look in the records and came back with the bad news that the computer is telling them that I still have 2 more days of chemo--one double dose on April 29th and a single dose in May.  WHAT!?!  

Apparently, back in August, I was scheduled for a double dose of Herceptin to give me a week off to recover from my mastectomy/reconstruction.  I remember thinking, "Why don't I just have a double dose every time?"  Unfortunately, their notes for that day show that I was only charged for a singe dose.  And the nurse that made those notes was fired.  Talk about a balloon buster.  

I've kept my own records of dates and treatments, and I specifically remember being scheduled for that double dose.  All of their records indicate that I wasn't given the correct dosage.  So, what do I do????  

The decision is in my hands.  Either, I go with what I rememeber happening in my own treatment, what I've recorded, and what I've been counting on in my brain.  Or, I have one extra single dose in May.  Is it worth having an extra dose just to cover all the bases?  If I go with what I really want to do and be done next time will I always wonder if I did enough to treat this disease?  Surely, one dose can't make all that much of a difference, right?  I think I'll finish up next time, and just have doses 51, 52*.  If keeping records with an asterisk can work for baseball, it can work my for my chemo.  

Seriously, why can't things just go according plan?????  

*******Dr. Naqvi just contacted the company the provides the drugs, and their records indicate that MY records are correct.  Thank goodness!!!!  I won't have to live the rest of my life with a Herceptin asterisk.  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #47,48

In so many ways I cannot believe it, but I can finally say that THIS IS THE MONTH that I will finish chemo!!!!!!!  If everything goes according to plan, which it rarely does in my case, April 2014 is the month I finally receive my last dose of chemotherapy. 

When this whole process started, I heard several times something along the lines of, "it's a year out of your life," or "this will take everything you have for a year, but you'll make it."  These comments always reminded me of being down in the Pit of Despair, hooked up to "the machine" and having a year of my life "sucked away," Princess Bride Style.  Well, a year is bad enough, but people lied to me!  52 weekly doses of Herceptin, not able to be administered for 3 months with FEC, plus extra time for weeks of low WBC counts and recovering from surgeries......a "year" has turned into an actual 16 total months until I'm officially cancer-free.    Even with the extra time and added set backs to the originally assumed time frame, I am so grateful to have made it to this point in the process.  It's almost as if I'm just coasting now, especially when compared to some of the steps of treatment last year.  I've made it through the steep and rocky paths and now just have to endure to the end.  

As my nurse was hooking me up today, she commented on how close I am to being finished.  "You're going to miss us!  You won't miss coming here, but you'll miss us.  You'll finally have your life back."  I will miss them!  I'll miss having that place I go where everybody knows my name and their job is to make me well.  I'll miss the forced naps.  I'll miss the legitimate medical excuses for being too fat.  I'll miss the reflection time and testimony-building experiences.  I'll miss the feeling of added blessings that come from relying on The Lord during the storms.  Yes, I will miss many things, but I am ready to have my life back.  

Soon this will just be another one of life's experiences.  People will be sick of me talking about it and relating everything to cancer.  I will have my life back and will be able to live without this cloud of cancer trying to block out the light.  I will probably always have scars--both physical and mental--remnants of my battle with cancer, but scars are evidence of experiences, and they will serve as a reminder of what I have to look forward to and not just what has been lost.  

This has been one of many storms in my life.  I've had many other challenging experiences to overcome, and I am sure that there will be many more in the years to come.  I thought I had learned about patience, humility, charity, and understanding the Lord's timing over and over again.  However, this storm has been a big one.  Similarly, as I speak with others about their own personal trials, I am coming more and more to believe that each one of us will--at least at one point in our lifes---experience something that truly brings us to our knees.  There is going to be some trial, some loss, some grief, some experience with children, some loneliness, some depression, some illness, some frustration, some major life storm that will shake us to the core, compel us to be humble, and create within us new understanding of conversion and concentrating on what is truly important.  

So much of life is inconsequential, "treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where theives break through and steal." {matt. 6:19}  I truly believe that God wants to bless us and allow us to prosper, but so much of whether these "treasures" become a blessing or a curse lies in perspective and attitude.  Does pride take over and we forget to be grateful?  Do we get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that we forget to nourish personal testimony and strengthen family?  We are told to  "lay up....treasures in heaven," to "seek...first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  {matt 6:20, 33}  At some point--and perhaps over and over again--we must learn how to balance this earthly life with the eternal, and often the storms of life help shift our perspective.  

God's timing is not our timing, for we are bound by mortality, and He is eternal.  Science cannot completely explain it.  The math does not add up.  When we are in the most terrible storms and at the weakest points, we can often become the strongest.  When trials and sorrows would seek to overtake us, having faith and relying on the Savior will add up to more strength than we ever knew was possible.  The time that seems to tick slowly by can become but a blink.  The windows of heaven are opened up, and blessings are poured out.  And even when some of life's trials are not removed from our lives, we become changed, strong enough to withstand the strongest of storms, for as long as it takes, all through learning faith and leaning on The Lord, whether for a year, for 16 months, or until the end.  "For with God all things are possible." {mark 10:27}       

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #45, 46

One of my favorite lines from The Sound of Music has always been, "When The Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  

This one quote could probably sum up my entire life story, seeing as doors in the hallway of my plans are constantly shutting and new pathways are opened up.  Stephen and I often joke about how many plans we've made over the years and how we have not only had to come up with a "Plan B," but also plans C, D, E, and so on.....We make goals and work toward them, but often our plans and our ideas come to an end in some way.  What we thought was the best course of action often ends in a dead end.  Doors are often shut.  

There are a few ways to deal with the frustration and disappointment that comes with doors being closed: the end of dreams, the realization that what we thought we wanted or what we had planned is not going to come to pass.  We could become discouraged and give up, always asking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" or "What have I done to deserve this?"  We could quit trying.  We could look at the world through pessimistic eyes, knowing that no matter what we do or how hard we try, nothing is ever going to go our way.  We could lose faith in a Father in Heaven who is supposed to love and bless His children, all the while questioning our purpose on this earth.  We could beat our heads against that closed door, but that serves no purpose other than causing more pain.  Helen Keller said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Instead of staring at those closed doors and hating the world because of them, we could pick ourselves up, turn, and keep going.  The light from the new windows or doors that often open for us can reveal previously unseen opportunities.  We could look past the hurt/discouragement/diappointment/fear and find a new direction.  Often, the new paths that are opened up for us offer more blessings and experiences than we could have guessed were possible.  

Two years ago, Stephen and I were finally on our way.  Three healthy boys had been born to our family, something we once thought might never happen.  We bought our first home in a beautiful neighborhood, with great neighbors, and bought that particular home because of the area, the schools, and the long-term benefits.  We planned to stay and put down roots.  Almost a year into that current plan, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Slam!  That door of happiness shut.  I still remember one day of feeling so totally lost and in despair that I cried until I could cry no more.  But after that, I saw the light from an open window and realized that I had to keep going.  I would find happiness and joy, even when my path was altered by unforseen events.  I couldn't keep moving and see the blessings The Lord had in store for us if I sat and stared at that closed door, wishing to go back to the past.  So, we all stepped into the unknown and started a new journey.  

Soon, this cancer journey will come to a close, and we will be on to the next chapter.  The Lord has opened up some amazing opportunities for us, paths we probably would never have seen if we had not experienced the struggle and heart break of the past year.  Odd enough, part of me is going to be sad to close this chapter.  I will miss the reflection, the comradery, the increased purpose to fight for life.  I will miss the experience of sharing my thoughts on the journey.  I will miss the platform.  Even though those closest to me will always remember what we overcame, soon there will be no more evidence of my struggle than a few hidden scars.  I'm now going to have to learn how to simply return back to "normal" life, and even that will take some getting used to.  I think I've finally learned how to be thankful for this trial and how to recognize the blessings it has brought into my life.   Going through the door of cancer has opened up more windows than we knew we had, and I know The Lord has had a hand in all of it.  

  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #43,44

I had a heart check this morning.  Medically speaking, my heart is holding strong through this process.  I am supposed to have an echo every 2 months, so I just might be able to avoid another one before the end of this chemo, and it seems like prayers have been answered for my heart to remain unaffected by the possible side effect of cardiomyopathy.  If all things stay on track---which they rarely do for me---I just might make it.  Or, I could have to do things the hard way, like usual.   

Figuratively, my heart has been in better places.  I'm so over chemo, over the hassle, over the stress of coming here, taking the boys there, rushing and fussing to get out the door in time to make it to extra appointments and early drop-offs.  It's getting old. And freezing rain in March, in HOUSTON, isn't helping.  I feel quite BLAH today.  However, just when I get to the end of that rope and start to complain, I'm subtly reminded that things could be worse and I can do hard things.  {Even though my boys knocked my framed copy of this saying off the wall this morning and busted it into pieces.  Omen?}

Even before today's heart checkup, I've been pondering the topic of hearts.  Between Valentine's Day and a program at church with the theme, "A Heart Like His," for which I was a speaker, hearts have been on my mind.  

All through my scriptures, I've highlighted in pink any verse that mentions heart.  Pink has a new meaning in my life and has come to represent more than just a favorite color or a symbol of love.  As I read these pink verses of scripture, I'm reminded over and over of the spiritual emphasis placed on this organ.  Our hearts become the figurative description of our mind and will, a symbol for all emotions.  This concept defies all logic and science.  It would seem that emotions, thoughts, decisions, and will should take place in the brain, the epicenter of our physical bodies.  However, the Lord looks on the heart.  

From various scriptures, we are told that our hearts can be foolish, rebellious, hardened, stirred up to evil, prideful, wicked, fearful, or blind, among other negative descriptors.  Or, our hearts can be willing, softened, open, understanding, upright, glad, pure, merry, honest, good, changed, and ultimately perfect.  The only way to reach this perfection of heart is to come unto Christ.  

Ever remember being asked if you've experienced a mighty change of heart?  Why would our hearts need to change?  Not to beat stronger or grow in size, but to turn and become converted, which happens when we make the decision in life to align our hearts with the will of our Father in Heaven.  In the world, a broken heart is a terrible thing, usually the result of a break-up or a lost love.  Spiritually, we've been told that a broken heart is desirable, not sad at all.  Having a broken heart and contrite spirit means that we are meek, humble, and receptive to God's will.  This is a hard concept for those, like me, who tend toward the naturally strong-willed and stubborn side.  Breaking a heart into humility isn't always easy.  Sometimes, it only happens through our trials.   

At baptism, we are asked to take upon us the name of Christ, to make a place for Him in our hearts.  From there on, we strive to keep the commandments and to become more like Him, and the place we made in our hearts becomes more aligned with His will.  Our hearts begin to turn.

As we strive to have a heart more like the Savior's, we take on His qualities.  Such examples of having a heart like His include a forgiving heart, a loving heart, a kind heart, a heart of faith, an understanding heart, a heart of charity, a heart of integrity, a heart of virtue.  It takes work to turn our hearts and make them more perfect.  We also have to learn to sometimes let go of logic and reason and rely on faith.  There are times when we can feel love not only in our minds, but truly in our hearts.  

If my heart can survive a year of chemo, I can only imagine what I could do if it could be truly broken.  

   

 How I feel today:

How I SHOULD feel today:  

I'm wishing on a star and clicking my ruby Minnie Ears and repeating, "There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney." 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #41,42

I was deeply touched by a loving comment made to me at church this past Sunday. 

"Sister Cooper, may I tell you something without it embarrassing you?" he asked, cautiously. "I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me. I see all that you've been through and all you do and am so impressed with your positive attitude."  It was his tear-filled eyes that touched me so.  

What have I really done to be an inspiration? We all have adversity, tragedies, hardships, times of trial, loss, sadness, grief, pain, and challenges.  Mine is no different from yours, on a grand scheme; only the specific details vary. Perhaps I have come to see opposition in all things for what it is--learning opportunities and growth-- and to seek the joy. Joy truly can exist with the sorrow.  I have been strengthened and uplifted and blessed, even if just blessed to recognize the small miracles and tender mercies for what they are---ever present. I have a better understanding of pain and loss, but also humility and gratitude. I see the miracles in the little things. 

The little things can be great blessings. Things I took for granted, or even cursed before, have new light. I can wear a real bra again, and a bigger one than before!  I have enough hair to pull back in a tiny bunch, secured with bobby pins! 

I have the strength and stomach to clean my own toilets, to change the sheets on the bunk bed, and to---gasp---actually find the joy in doing my own dishes!  Lest you think I'm a saint, moments from transfiguration, I have yet to rejoice in meal planning and grocery shopping, and I still get so frustrated at those mommy moments of finding an entire dresser and closet of clothes emptied all over a bedroom on the morning we most need to leave the house on time, or juice spilled for the 17th time on the freshly mopped floors, and all the other, lovely, "deep breath" moments that accompany parenting young children.  However, I have learned a little more how to cherish all the moments I'm given.  I am even more grateful for the ways in which my experiences with the adversity of cancer have blessed my young sons. They are quick to forgive, more cognizant of mommy's "boo-boos," freely giving of those cherished, "I love you's," and even offer to kiss ME better when they know I'm not feeling well.  There are truly miracles in the little things. 

In our adversity, some of the biggest challenges lie in the often unanswered "whys?"  Grief and pain can be compounded in the times when we wonder if there was anything we could've done to avoid our trials, anything that would've prevented tradegy from befalling us. Through this experience, I've learned that sometimes terrible things just happen. But, they teach us to cling to our blessings, to seek out ways to comfort others in their grief, to realize that God's blessing of easing burdens and lightening yokes most often doesn't mean simply taking them away and keeping us from adversity, but that He will strengthen us and provide ways for us to bear the burdens placed on our shoulders. 

If I have been an inspiration to anyone because of how I've faced this journey, it is only because I have been blessed to pass through this challenge with faith that The Lord is on my side. All of those little blessings, day by day, add up to so much greatness, and none of it is done alone.