Tuesdays with Naqvi--6

Today marks the point at which I am halfway through with the first half of my chemo!  You would think I could say that I'm a quarter of the way completed, but the math doesn't quite add up.  In this case, 1/2 of 1/2 does not equal 1/4 because there are too many parts to the whole process.  Once the 12 weekly sessions are over, I transition to 4 sessions, one every 3 weeks.  Add to that, once the 6 months of chemo are complete, I still have surgery, possible radiation, and the completion of my weekly visits for Herceptin.  Even though I'm halfway through the first half of the chemo process, I still have more than halfway to travel in this journey.  How's that for some interesting math?  It's hard to have a true countdown when there are so many parts to the whole, so it's yet another example of endurance and diligence. 

It's now March, and I am moving forward with my Personal Progress to the value of Divine Nature.  The classic scripture for this value is found in 2 Peter :

"Be partakers of the divine nature...giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity {2 Peter 1: 4-7}.

What an amazing list of qualities of which we should "partake."  They are given to all of us as children of a Heavenly Father who is divine and from whom we have inherited divine qualities.  But, nothing is simply given or taken if the fullness of the blessings are to be achieved.  We must be partakers of these qualities.  To partake means to take part in or to experience something with someone else.  Partake is an action word, which implies that we must put in the work.  We must strive to develop our divine nature by adding upon our talents and continuing to become more like our Savior in order to be true partakers of the divine nature.  

I have read this passage of scripture many times before, but it's often through reading the entire chapter and the context surrounding these important passages that knowledge is increased.  As I read all of 2 Peter 1, a few things stood out about the divine qualities discussed.

First, our Father in Heaven loves us and grants us grace and peace as we show faith in him.

Verse 2: "Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord."

Grace is given to everyone, but without works, it is dead.  As we see with charity, hand-outs, and welfare in our society, when something is just taken for granted and there becomes a sense of entitlement, there is no peace.   It is when we work for something that the grace and peace of our Father in Heaven is multiplied unto us.   

Verse 3: "According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:"

God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through His Son, who has called us to glory and virtue.  Our Savior, too, wants us to be like him and have glory and virtue, through our divine nature.  There are so many great things about this life that stand as witnesses of our divine creator and of the divine nature that exists in each of us as we strive to reach our true glory and virtue.

Verse 4: "Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."

Through Christ, we are given some amazing promises so that we can be partakers of our divine natures.  Our Savior has led the way and asks us to follow with him.  We partake of the qualities of our divine nature in His footsteps, and to do so requires action.  When we seek the divine, we escape the corruption of the world.   

I absolutely love the list of divine qualities that follows--faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness,  and charity.  Talk about divine qualities!  That is a list of traits I would be happy to have next to my name. 

Verse 5: And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

Verse 6: And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Verse 7: And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

These qualities take effort to acquire and perfect, and I don't know if we ever fully develop them in this lifetime.  As always, though, whenever we are given a task or commandment from our Father in Heaven, a blessing follows. 

Verse 8: For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Verse 9: But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

Verse 10:  Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:

If these qualities abound, are present in great quantities/are prevalent in us, our faith and knowledge in Jesus Christ will produce valuable results.  We will be able to see afar off and not be blinded or blocked by sins.  Our calling and election will be made sure. We will never fall.  Can there be many greater promised blessings?   

One final note.  When words or phrases are repeated in a passage of scripture, it often points to something worth noticing.  In this chapter, one word stands out to me as a key part to developing our divine nature----DILIGENCE.  We are asked to "give all diligence" and reminded again to "give diligence" in the process of becoming stronger in our divine qualities.  To be diligent means to be steady, earnest, to give energetic effort, and to endure. As we show diligence in becoming "partakers of the divine nature" God has created in each of us, He will bless us. 

We are never promised that life will be easy.  We are never told that there will not be challenges.  In fact, over and over again we are told to endure, to be submissive, to be humble, to be patient, to show temperance, to rely on our Savior and take His yoke upon us that He might help us bear up the burdens that will be placed on our shoulders.  We are promised trials and tribulations and are asked to be strong and diligent as we endure those trials.  Through trials we develop our divine qualities, and those divine qualities, in turn, help us to endure the next trials.  If we do all of these things--striving in all diligence to develop our divine qualities--there are great promises.  If we do these things, now matter what may come our way, we shall never fall.  As long as we do our part to reach our Savior, He will never let us fall.  

Tuesday with Naqvi--5

It's Cinco de Chemo!  Ole!

A few nights ago, Stephen and I were talking, and I asked him how he is doing.  He responded with something like, "I'm okay."  That type of an answer typical for both of us.  We are both the oldest children in our family, hard workers, determined, goal-setters, and just keep pushing forward with what life gives us, which has not always been easy.  We both like to make plans and follow through with those plans, but many, MANY times in the {almost} 13 years we've been married, those plans have changed--often SIGNIFICANTLY--so we just do our best to adapt and keep on moving forward, enduring the hard times, having faith that we will {maybe someday?} have moments of rest when we can stop and take a breath and enjoy the ride before it gets hard or scary once more.

We are--by no means--perfect at enduring, and--obviously--the Lord feels like we still have things to learn.  What Stephen said next stayed with me more than his typical "okay."  He continued, "Sometimes I feel like I just don't have enough patience."   {I REALLY hope he hasn't been making the CLASSIC mistake of praying for patience.  Every mom--and sane person, really--should know that patience is the LAST thing you want to pray for because it nearly GUARANTEES that you are just asking for some awful experience that will put your patience to the test.} Stephen was referring to having more patience with the boys, and I'm sure with the *new* {sick} me, and just reminding himself that it's okay to be frustrated in all of this, but that he does need to have patience.  The thought of having patience stuck with me, though, especially as it came up again at church on Sunday.

We were learning about the first principles and ordinances of the gospel: Faith, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.  We read a scripture that just resonated with me.

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days." {D&C 24:8}

This flat-out promises that we will have many hard times and trials in this life.  There is no way around that.  Life is not a party, a free ride, a fantasy camp.  Our teacher said so many great things that just brought tears to my eyes about how we must learn to endure and that life is for us to learn and grow.  We can't grow without being tested and proving our faith in Christ.  Even if we are good, strong people, we cannot escape difficulties.  In fact, sometimes the opposite is true.  If we have mastered our circumstances and are comfortable with the principles we've learned to live, and the part of the journey we've followed line upon  line/precept upon precept is easy, that often is when the Lord knows that we are ready for growth, meaning that we will usually go through a trial.  The amazing thing is that during and through and after that trial, we become stronger.  And the pattern continues.  We know that there will be many afflictions in life, so we just need to learn even more how to be patient in them.

The promise and comfort for displaying this patience and endurance is that we are never alone and that we will also receive great blessings after the trials of faith.  "For after much tribulation come the blessings..." {D&C 58:4} and "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." {Ether 12:6}  Of course, this lesson hit home to me with my current situation of trying to overcome and beat cancer.  It is not fun.  I'm going through a really hard point in the journey.  It's difficult to have patience with all of these unknowns that keep creeping up, AND that the side effects I knew were coming keep coming before I expect them to.  It's hard to remember the eternal perspective and to keep in mind that this trial truly is temporary.  I don't like the helpless feeling of knowing that I can't do everything I want to do whenever I want to do it.  I am held back by the schedule of making a trip to the hospital 3 times a week. I'm held back by my fatigue, nausea, constant colds and sicknesses being passed around the family, and headaches.  I'm sad about gaining weight and losing hair, and then I feel vain about those fleeting physical things having such an effect and contributing to my breaking points.  It's embarrassing to tear up and cry in front of people when I really do want to have patience and faith through this and endure it well.  I don't always feel like I have patience or the faith necessary to endure.

That leads to my month-long focus on faith.  I studied even more about faith today and how it relates to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His atonement.  The study of faith really starts with Christ because he should be the center of our faith.  That faith in Christ leads us to action--action to learn more, to become more, to do and become better people, and to share that faith with others.  Faith in Christ means that we believe him, we desire to be more like him, we know that our blessings come because of our faith in Him, and we have an assurance that His atoning sacrifice will allow us the fulfillment of things hoped for.  We believe that He truly sacrificed for each of us, in every way that a person can sacrifice.  Isaiah 53:4 says, "surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..."  Not only did our Savior suffer for our sins, but he endured every trial of pain and grief and sorrow so that He could be the one on which we can rely.  Because He endured it all, we can have faith that He truly knows what each of us is experiencing at any given moment.  This faith allows us to be more patient in trials and to continue to endure as our faith is tested and increased, knowing that our Savior cannot ever leave us truly alone.  I think this set of scriptures sums it up well: 

 1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

 2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

 3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

 {Romans 5:1-5}

Stephen's response that he's "okay" is a true response in so many ways.  Even through our trials, we can be "okay."  Our faith may be being tested, but we have peace through God and Jesus Christ.   We can even "glory in tribulations" because those tribulations help us practice patience, gain experience, increase hope, and become even more faithful because of the outpouring we feel of God's love for us if we open our hearts to accept it as we continue to have patience and endure. 

P.S.  Dr. Naqvi checked out the possible hernia spot, reviewed all of my scans, and says everything looks clear.  It could just be my bowels moving around, so we'll just keep an eye on it.  I got a prescription for a wig, so I'll be picking that out hopefully this weekend.   I'm supposed to really watch what I eat because weight gain can be a big problem.  I found it interesting that she said that can actually be a sign that the chemo is working; the tumor is probably shrinking and the extra calories that it was burning up to grow are now adding to my weight gain.  Weight loss used to happen with chemo, but now the opposite is true.  Interesting stuff---hair loss, weight gain, fatigue--and I'm only 33 1/2!

Curveballs

Just when I think I have a pretty good handle on this new life and have this cancer thing pretty well figured out, I'm thrown a curve ball.

I was just talking about how grateful I am that I'm having the less severe chemo first, will get to keep my hair a little longer, and can get used to the schedule and how my body reacts to chemo before I have to worry about another major change.  Not a few days after that blog post, I was getting ready to go to a Young Women activity, and my hair just kept falling out.  I knew from the beginning that chemo would force me to have to deal with the loss of my hair, but I just had a different timeline mapped out in my mind.  Curveball.  I get to deal with it sooner than expected.

I decided to cut my hair pretty short, since that was the advice I was given by my doctor to help deal with the shock of losing the hair.  Apparently, it makes it less messy?  Well, I was also told that this first chemo would just cause my hair to "thin."  My interpretation of that word must be different than what is actually happening.  Every time I run my hands through my hair, 20 strands come out.  Trying to wash it is a mess.  Attempting to style it was even more of a joke.  I'm really just disappointed that this cute cut my stylist neighbor was kind enough to give me won't last longer than I was planning.  Curveball.  The short in-between-losing-it-all cut will not be much an an in-between after all. 

I was told NOTHING about weight loss/weight gain in all of this.  I assumed, if I'm being honest, that I might actually lose weight, what with the vomiting/change in appetite/sickness from chemo.  Part of me was like, "Hey, that's a positive spin on things.  If I'm going to be sick, at least I might be able to lose those last 10 pounds."  Oh, silly girl.  The weight thing has really slapped me in the face---or backside/gut/thighs.  I wasn't prepared for the weight gain.  It's been pretty extreme.  I really was working so hard to lose all of that baby weight and was SO CLOSE to my goal weight.  In no time, I feel like I'm half-way through another pregnancy, and it is rather depressing.  Curveball.  I get to add being fat to the *wonderful* list of side effects--especially those that I wasn't planning on!  

In addition to all of that *fun stuff* I may---or may not---have an incisional hernia near the site of my tubal ligation.  Add that to the list of things I need to have checked out.  Curveball!    

So, I've had a few rough times getting hit with all of these curveballs in the last few days.  There have been a few tears shed.  I try to be strong and handle whatever comes my way without {too much} complaining, but I also don't want to come off as fake.  It's hard to say that I'm doing well when someone asks because this stuff is HARD.  I know I'd be lying if I just smiled and said that everything is great.  It's not.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days I truly am ok, and others I'm just "ok."  But, all I can really do is take each day at a time and try to stay out of the way when the curve balls are thrown in my direction.   

Thick and Thin

Pardon me while I have a little pity party.

Wednesday is shot day--my least favorite day of this process.  The shot does worse things to me than the chemo.  Or maybe it's just the combination of the two, but I usually end up feeling worse Wednesday evening into Thursday than I do all week.

I stepped on the scale today and realized that I've gained 13 pounds.  THIRTEEN!  Sure, being on steroids doesn't help one bit, and at least I have something to blame it on, but COME ON!  As if I didn't have enough to feel sorry for myself about.  Now I'm getting thick.  I'm a big boned girl as it is, constantly fighting my genes to fit in my jeans.  Now genetics has a new ally, one that seems to be taking over.

Add to that me trying to get ready to head to church tonight, and the thinning of the hair has begun.  Just about everyone I talked to said it would happen around 3 weeks.  I was just praying to make it until we could have family pictures taken.  Both of those came and went this week, so I guess it was time for the inevitable.  As I stood by my sink, running my fingers through my itching scalp, handful after handful came along, too. 

There you have it: I am literally in the THICK and the thin of things.  And it's only just begun. 

Tuesdays with Naqvi 4

It's just another Mother's Day Out on a beautiful Tuesday morning, in the comfort of my chemo chair.

I'm catching up on thank-you cards and am almost done with another value experience for my Young Women Personal Progress.  Faith is the value I'm trying to finish by the end of the month, and I think it has been a perfect place to start my study as I've started this journey toward becoming a breast cancer survivor.  There is a ridiculous amount of faith required in this process, a value I am still learning how to understand and live.  

Today I reviewed a story about mothers who not only have great faith, but are able to teach the important value of faith to their children.  There is a story in The Book of Mormon that is often referenced when the topic of strong mothers comes up about 2,000 young men who volunteered to go into battle, taking the place of their fathers--who had sworn an oath to never fight again--having full faith that they would not be harmed.  When asked how they could go to war without fear, even though they were young and had never fought before, they explained that  "they had been taught by their mothers that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them..." and furthermore testified, "we do not doubt our mothers knew it." {Alma 56:45-58}

What amazing young men these must have been!  How I want my own boys to be like them, willing to boldly stand up for truth, to know who they are, to have amazing faith, and to work hard and serve others because of their faith, and to love their mother!  The faith of the young warriors was two-fold:  They had great faith in God, knowing that He would deliver them if they displayed their faith, not doubting.  The young men also had great faith in their mothers' testimonies, not doubting that their mothers had great faith in God, as well.

It's no wonder this story is so inspiring, especially for mothers.  Mothers have such a strong influence on the way their children behave, what and how they learn, their understanding of choices and consequences, the core values learned in early years, the way they view the world, the goals they make, and the overall people they will become.  This is a great responsibility to mothers and also such an amazing blessing.  The mother plays SUCH an important role in the people their children are and become.  Some days I worry about how my lack of being at the top of my game as a mother this year will affect my children.  I try my best, but there are times that I just can't do all that I'm used to doing.  I have faith that God will deliver me AND will deliver my boys through this process.  Besides, if I don't put full energy into getting better, I won't be able to be the mother they need, anyway.  

As a mother, I know that one of my main roles is to nurture, teach, and train my children.  In order to teach my children about faith, I must have faith in my life.  I must have the positive qualities necessary to be a good example for my children to follow.  As a parent, it's crucial that I live as the type of person about whom my children can someday say, "we do not doubt--our mother knows it."

Much like the stripling warrirors, I am in a battle of my own, the battle to overcome cancer.  I need to take the example of these mothers and put my faith in God into practice, knowing that  "if {I do} not doubt, God {will} deliver {me.}  If I can do that, my example will wear off to my boys.  If I live by faith, especially in the time of this current life-changing "battle," my children will learn so much more about faith than in simply just reading or hearing about it.  They will know a little about what it is like and how they can put faith to work in their own lives.  {I already see small glimpses of their faith being put to action, especially after my own example.  A few nights ago, Kyle couldn't find his blanket.  He immediately asked, "Mom, remember that day when you prayed that we could find my blanket and we did?  Can you say that prayer again?"  His faith right now in both me and in the power of prayer and that God answers prayers is so strong.  I hope he always keeps it that way!}

It starts like every journey does--with the first step, and then more steps after that, until the goal is reached.  I know I can do it.  I know my family can do it.  I know the boys can do it, too.  I know  that God can and will deliver me from this battle without being harmed, even though I have never had to fight something like this before. Because I am a strong mother, I can teach my children to make desicions based on truth and to never doubt their mother's faith or that when they rely on The Lord, they will be delivered, unharmed, from all kinds of battles in life.

 Now speaking of a battle I'm not going to win......the Benadryl bag just finished, so I have to give in to nap time.  Fight on, North America and all the Pink Warriors out there! 

Scans

One of the first major steps after hearing the news of my cancer diagnosis was to have ct and full body scans in order to detect any possibility of the breast cancer having spread to other places in my body.  Already by that day, I was in a mental whirlwind, having experienced a thousand thoughts and emotions that hit me like a freight train from a hidden track.  I didn't know what to expect and just prayed for good news.

Thankfully, my friend, Jan, was kind enough to come into this unknown territory as moral support. Looking back, I really wish I had asked for mortal support during my biopsy, which turned out to be more difficult and painful than I had expected, so I was delighted to accept Jan's offer of company during this procedure. 

We made it to the office and had to fight a bit with the financial end of things. Even though I had already shelled out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to various doctors  in the previous few days and weeks, none of those claims had been filed with my insurance, so I was liable, according yo their records, for the full $800 (or so) bill.  What an expensive adventure this was turning out to be. (As a side note, once the insurance caught up with my claims, I only owed this place about $15.) 

After paying, they took my order. Did I want a chocolate or vanilla drink? Oh, they were out of vanilla. A  delicious chocolate shake, I guess! I had to drink down this awful, thick, chalky, "chocolate" in order to provide the needed contrast for my CT scan. Yuck!

The fun was just beginning, though. Next they took me back to get my vitals snd prep me for an IV.  Of course, they had troubles getting that in. I hate IVs!!!  It was not a pleasant star, and then it just got weirder.  In comes the tech with what looked to be s scene straight out of Back to the Future.  She was in full gear, holding a silver, metallic tube with that lovely radioactive sign on the side.  I asked if she was holding some plutonium and how safe could that be to inject inside me if she was wearing so much protective gear.  She explained it was it was a glucose solution with a small amount of radioactive material that would be used to detect cancerous cells.  As soon as this plutonium went in, it chilled me to the bone. I was so cold! I had to sit under warm blankets until the next tech came to get me to start my scans. 

First, was the CT scan. I was in the room alone, on the machine, which I had been told by a few people would be loud and claustrophobic. The machine was a flat bed that went into a tube shaped portion. The tech was outside the room and explained about remaining perfectly still and following directions completely. I could hear the tech speaking and the machine starting, but it was a quiet humming. I was alone with my thoughts, which consisted mostly of the song "Radioactive" playing over and over, knowing the radioactive material that was coursing though my veins. I was told to take a deep breath and hold. After a few seconds, "you can breath."  That process occured several more times and after what felt like only a few minutes, the first scan was over. 

The radioactive solution had to sit in me for 2 hours, so I had some time to kill before the next scan.  My car was nearly on empty, so Jan and I went searching for gas and picked up a few snacks. It was nice to chat and try to take my mind off the heaviness of it all.  We explored a bit and then headed back. Sadly, I had another procedure ahead of me. 

This time, I laid down on a machine that reminded me of a large press.  I had to remain perfectly still again, but this machine had a large, flat panel that slowly lowered down until it was centimeters from my face. Once there, the bottom bed slowly moved so that my entire body was scanned.  Often, the scans have to be redone if the pictures aren't clear enough for good results, but I got it on my first try! The tech told me my body was very photogenic. I even got to see the picture of my scan. It was awesome to see my body, tissues, bones, and all! I really wanted that image to time with me! I wasn't able to get results out of the techs, but they left me with a positive feeling. 

And just like that, the scans were over and it was time to go home!  Soon enough I would hear the good news that my scans didn't reveal any new cancerous areas!

Head Gear

Kyle has asked me several times, "Mom, is today the day all your hair falls off?" or "When is all your hair going to fall off?"  I think it's funny that of all the things we told him would happen with me being sick, the hair thing is the one he remembers most.  I guess he's looking forward with anxious curiosity to seeing the new hairless me. 

To try to transition the boys into getting used to the coming changes, I've gone around the house with my hair pulled up, in hats or in wraps.  Yesterday, I wore a head wrap all day.  Kyle saw me and immediately said, "Mom, you look pretty.  I like your hat."  That really helped to brighten my day, especially since yesterday was just a little unpleasant all day.  I'm not used to having headaches very often, but I seem to get them--dull, pounding, stressful ones--just about everyday.  I'm really only supposed to take Tylenol, and that just doesn't seem to knock them out. 

A few weeks ago, I got a package that my sister sent me with a bright and colorful head scarf in it.  I tried it on for fun.  Ryan came around the corner, stopped and stared, and said, "Mom!  You Jake!"  {Jake and the Neverland Pirates}  I'm feeling a great Halloween theme this year is in the works......

I also got a box from friend with breast cancer, a little further along in her journey than I.  We actually knew each other in Utah, in high school, and were even in the same church group.  She now lives in Texas, of all places, and connected with me through a common facebook friend and through this blog.  {The connections being made through this experience are blowing my mind!}  She sent a great wig that she never used and a few hats, too.  It's fun getting to try them out and slowly prepare myself for the hair loss.  How grateful I am for already being given so many tender mercies through this process!    

It's crazy that exactly one month ago today, I was meeting my oncologist for the first time, after only hearing my diagnosis of breast cancer the day before.  One of the hardest things to hit me was about losing my hair.  It's silly, I know, but something about that makes this whole idea of cancer and chemo "real."  If I wasn't Her2 +, the original chemo plan for FEC first would have already had me shaving my head.  I'm actually very grateful that I get to ease into the shock of the diagnosis, the aggressiveness of the treatment, the speed of everything moving forward, and still have some time to process the "new" me before I have to get used to the drastic physical changes, too.  I was able to get some family pictures taken, to take my time in accumulating some head accessories, and to have a few months with my hair, including going on our cruise in April.  I know the hair grows back, but I'm looking for small things to be glad for when there are many things to be scared/upset/worried about.  There are always things to be grateful for.   

As I was reading out of this daily devotional book I was given, the thought for the day is to remember the Lord's words: I AM WITH YOU.  It referenced Psalm 73: 23-26, but my favorite part was from verse 26: "My flesh and my heart faileth, but God is the strength of my heart."  I immediately thought about the ups and downs in this process--including the upcoming day when my "hair falls off" or "my flesh faileth." I don't have to worry about those things because I know that God is with me and gives me hope that He will be with me through this trial, giving me the strength I need to overcome it.  That makes something as insignificant as losing my hair much easier to bear.