Tuesday with Naqvi--5

It's Cinco de Chemo!  Ole!

A few nights ago, Stephen and I were talking, and I asked him how he is doing.  He responded with something like, "I'm okay."  That type of an answer typical for both of us.  We are both the oldest children in our family, hard workers, determined, goal-setters, and just keep pushing forward with what life gives us, which has not always been easy.  We both like to make plans and follow through with those plans, but many, MANY times in the {almost} 13 years we've been married, those plans have changed--often SIGNIFICANTLY--so we just do our best to adapt and keep on moving forward, enduring the hard times, having faith that we will {maybe someday?} have moments of rest when we can stop and take a breath and enjoy the ride before it gets hard or scary once more.

We are--by no means--perfect at enduring, and--obviously--the Lord feels like we still have things to learn.  What Stephen said next stayed with me more than his typical "okay."  He continued, "Sometimes I feel like I just don't have enough patience."   {I REALLY hope he hasn't been making the CLASSIC mistake of praying for patience.  Every mom--and sane person, really--should know that patience is the LAST thing you want to pray for because it nearly GUARANTEES that you are just asking for some awful experience that will put your patience to the test.} Stephen was referring to having more patience with the boys, and I'm sure with the *new* {sick} me, and just reminding himself that it's okay to be frustrated in all of this, but that he does need to have patience.  The thought of having patience stuck with me, though, especially as it came up again at church on Sunday.

We were learning about the first principles and ordinances of the gospel: Faith, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.  We read a scripture that just resonated with me.

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days." {D&C 24:8}

This flat-out promises that we will have many hard times and trials in this life.  There is no way around that.  Life is not a party, a free ride, a fantasy camp.  Our teacher said so many great things that just brought tears to my eyes about how we must learn to endure and that life is for us to learn and grow.  We can't grow without being tested and proving our faith in Christ.  Even if we are good, strong people, we cannot escape difficulties.  In fact, sometimes the opposite is true.  If we have mastered our circumstances and are comfortable with the principles we've learned to live, and the part of the journey we've followed line upon  line/precept upon precept is easy, that often is when the Lord knows that we are ready for growth, meaning that we will usually go through a trial.  The amazing thing is that during and through and after that trial, we become stronger.  And the pattern continues.  We know that there will be many afflictions in life, so we just need to learn even more how to be patient in them.

The promise and comfort for displaying this patience and endurance is that we are never alone and that we will also receive great blessings after the trials of faith.  "For after much tribulation come the blessings..." {D&C 58:4} and "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." {Ether 12:6}  Of course, this lesson hit home to me with my current situation of trying to overcome and beat cancer.  It is not fun.  I'm going through a really hard point in the journey.  It's difficult to have patience with all of these unknowns that keep creeping up, AND that the side effects I knew were coming keep coming before I expect them to.  It's hard to remember the eternal perspective and to keep in mind that this trial truly is temporary.  I don't like the helpless feeling of knowing that I can't do everything I want to do whenever I want to do it.  I am held back by the schedule of making a trip to the hospital 3 times a week. I'm held back by my fatigue, nausea, constant colds and sicknesses being passed around the family, and headaches.  I'm sad about gaining weight and losing hair, and then I feel vain about those fleeting physical things having such an effect and contributing to my breaking points.  It's embarrassing to tear up and cry in front of people when I really do want to have patience and faith through this and endure it well.  I don't always feel like I have patience or the faith necessary to endure.

That leads to my month-long focus on faith.  I studied even more about faith today and how it relates to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His atonement.  The study of faith really starts with Christ because he should be the center of our faith.  That faith in Christ leads us to action--action to learn more, to become more, to do and become better people, and to share that faith with others.  Faith in Christ means that we believe him, we desire to be more like him, we know that our blessings come because of our faith in Him, and we have an assurance that His atoning sacrifice will allow us the fulfillment of things hoped for.  We believe that He truly sacrificed for each of us, in every way that a person can sacrifice.  Isaiah 53:4 says, "surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..."  Not only did our Savior suffer for our sins, but he endured every trial of pain and grief and sorrow so that He could be the one on which we can rely.  Because He endured it all, we can have faith that He truly knows what each of us is experiencing at any given moment.  This faith allows us to be more patient in trials and to continue to endure as our faith is tested and increased, knowing that our Savior cannot ever leave us truly alone.  I think this set of scriptures sums it up well: 

 1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

 2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

 3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

 {Romans 5:1-5}

Stephen's response that he's "okay" is a true response in so many ways.  Even through our trials, we can be "okay."  Our faith may be being tested, but we have peace through God and Jesus Christ.   We can even "glory in tribulations" because those tribulations help us practice patience, gain experience, increase hope, and become even more faithful because of the outpouring we feel of God's love for us if we open our hearts to accept it as we continue to have patience and endure. 

P.S.  Dr. Naqvi checked out the possible hernia spot, reviewed all of my scans, and says everything looks clear.  It could just be my bowels moving around, so we'll just keep an eye on it.  I got a prescription for a wig, so I'll be picking that out hopefully this weekend.   I'm supposed to really watch what I eat because weight gain can be a big problem.  I found it interesting that she said that can actually be a sign that the chemo is working; the tumor is probably shrinking and the extra calories that it was burning up to grow are now adding to my weight gain.  Weight loss used to happen with chemo, but now the opposite is true.  Interesting stuff---hair loss, weight gain, fatigue--and I'm only 33 1/2!