Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #45, 46

One of my favorite lines from The Sound of Music has always been, "When The Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  

This one quote could probably sum up my entire life story, seeing as doors in the hallway of my plans are constantly shutting and new pathways are opened up.  Stephen and I often joke about how many plans we've made over the years and how we have not only had to come up with a "Plan B," but also plans C, D, E, and so on.....We make goals and work toward them, but often our plans and our ideas come to an end in some way.  What we thought was the best course of action often ends in a dead end.  Doors are often shut.  

There are a few ways to deal with the frustration and disappointment that comes with doors being closed: the end of dreams, the realization that what we thought we wanted or what we had planned is not going to come to pass.  We could become discouraged and give up, always asking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" or "What have I done to deserve this?"  We could quit trying.  We could look at the world through pessimistic eyes, knowing that no matter what we do or how hard we try, nothing is ever going to go our way.  We could lose faith in a Father in Heaven who is supposed to love and bless His children, all the while questioning our purpose on this earth.  We could beat our heads against that closed door, but that serves no purpose other than causing more pain.  Helen Keller said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Instead of staring at those closed doors and hating the world because of them, we could pick ourselves up, turn, and keep going.  The light from the new windows or doors that often open for us can reveal previously unseen opportunities.  We could look past the hurt/discouragement/diappointment/fear and find a new direction.  Often, the new paths that are opened up for us offer more blessings and experiences than we could have guessed were possible.  

Two years ago, Stephen and I were finally on our way.  Three healthy boys had been born to our family, something we once thought might never happen.  We bought our first home in a beautiful neighborhood, with great neighbors, and bought that particular home because of the area, the schools, and the long-term benefits.  We planned to stay and put down roots.  Almost a year into that current plan, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Slam!  That door of happiness shut.  I still remember one day of feeling so totally lost and in despair that I cried until I could cry no more.  But after that, I saw the light from an open window and realized that I had to keep going.  I would find happiness and joy, even when my path was altered by unforseen events.  I couldn't keep moving and see the blessings The Lord had in store for us if I sat and stared at that closed door, wishing to go back to the past.  So, we all stepped into the unknown and started a new journey.  

Soon, this cancer journey will come to a close, and we will be on to the next chapter.  The Lord has opened up some amazing opportunities for us, paths we probably would never have seen if we had not experienced the struggle and heart break of the past year.  Odd enough, part of me is going to be sad to close this chapter.  I will miss the reflection, the comradery, the increased purpose to fight for life.  I will miss the experience of sharing my thoughts on the journey.  I will miss the platform.  Even though those closest to me will always remember what we overcame, soon there will be no more evidence of my struggle than a few hidden scars.  I'm now going to have to learn how to simply return back to "normal" life, and even that will take some getting used to.  I think I've finally learned how to be thankful for this trial and how to recognize the blessings it has brought into my life.   Going through the door of cancer has opened up more windows than we knew we had, and I know The Lord has had a hand in all of it.  

  

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #43,44

I had a heart check this morning.  Medically speaking, my heart is holding strong through this process.  I am supposed to have an echo every 2 months, so I just might be able to avoid another one before the end of this chemo, and it seems like prayers have been answered for my heart to remain unaffected by the possible side effect of cardiomyopathy.  If all things stay on track---which they rarely do for me---I just might make it.  Or, I could have to do things the hard way, like usual.   

Figuratively, my heart has been in better places.  I'm so over chemo, over the hassle, over the stress of coming here, taking the boys there, rushing and fussing to get out the door in time to make it to extra appointments and early drop-offs.  It's getting old. And freezing rain in March, in HOUSTON, isn't helping.  I feel quite BLAH today.  However, just when I get to the end of that rope and start to complain, I'm subtly reminded that things could be worse and I can do hard things.  {Even though my boys knocked my framed copy of this saying off the wall this morning and busted it into pieces.  Omen?}

Even before today's heart checkup, I've been pondering the topic of hearts.  Between Valentine's Day and a program at church with the theme, "A Heart Like His," for which I was a speaker, hearts have been on my mind.  

All through my scriptures, I've highlighted in pink any verse that mentions heart.  Pink has a new meaning in my life and has come to represent more than just a favorite color or a symbol of love.  As I read these pink verses of scripture, I'm reminded over and over of the spiritual emphasis placed on this organ.  Our hearts become the figurative description of our mind and will, a symbol for all emotions.  This concept defies all logic and science.  It would seem that emotions, thoughts, decisions, and will should take place in the brain, the epicenter of our physical bodies.  However, the Lord looks on the heart.  

From various scriptures, we are told that our hearts can be foolish, rebellious, hardened, stirred up to evil, prideful, wicked, fearful, or blind, among other negative descriptors.  Or, our hearts can be willing, softened, open, understanding, upright, glad, pure, merry, honest, good, changed, and ultimately perfect.  The only way to reach this perfection of heart is to come unto Christ.  

Ever remember being asked if you've experienced a mighty change of heart?  Why would our hearts need to change?  Not to beat stronger or grow in size, but to turn and become converted, which happens when we make the decision in life to align our hearts with the will of our Father in Heaven.  In the world, a broken heart is a terrible thing, usually the result of a break-up or a lost love.  Spiritually, we've been told that a broken heart is desirable, not sad at all.  Having a broken heart and contrite spirit means that we are meek, humble, and receptive to God's will.  This is a hard concept for those, like me, who tend toward the naturally strong-willed and stubborn side.  Breaking a heart into humility isn't always easy.  Sometimes, it only happens through our trials.   

At baptism, we are asked to take upon us the name of Christ, to make a place for Him in our hearts.  From there on, we strive to keep the commandments and to become more like Him, and the place we made in our hearts becomes more aligned with His will.  Our hearts begin to turn.

As we strive to have a heart more like the Savior's, we take on His qualities.  Such examples of having a heart like His include a forgiving heart, a loving heart, a kind heart, a heart of faith, an understanding heart, a heart of charity, a heart of integrity, a heart of virtue.  It takes work to turn our hearts and make them more perfect.  We also have to learn to sometimes let go of logic and reason and rely on faith.  There are times when we can feel love not only in our minds, but truly in our hearts.  

If my heart can survive a year of chemo, I can only imagine what I could do if it could be truly broken.  

   

 How I feel today:

How I SHOULD feel today:  

I'm wishing on a star and clicking my ruby Minnie Ears and repeating, "There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney.  There's no place like Disney." 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #41,42

I was deeply touched by a loving comment made to me at church this past Sunday. 

"Sister Cooper, may I tell you something without it embarrassing you?" he asked, cautiously. "I just want you to know what an inspiration you are to me. I see all that you've been through and all you do and am so impressed with your positive attitude."  It was his tear-filled eyes that touched me so.  

What have I really done to be an inspiration? We all have adversity, tragedies, hardships, times of trial, loss, sadness, grief, pain, and challenges.  Mine is no different from yours, on a grand scheme; only the specific details vary. Perhaps I have come to see opposition in all things for what it is--learning opportunities and growth-- and to seek the joy. Joy truly can exist with the sorrow.  I have been strengthened and uplifted and blessed, even if just blessed to recognize the small miracles and tender mercies for what they are---ever present. I have a better understanding of pain and loss, but also humility and gratitude. I see the miracles in the little things. 

The little things can be great blessings. Things I took for granted, or even cursed before, have new light. I can wear a real bra again, and a bigger one than before!  I have enough hair to pull back in a tiny bunch, secured with bobby pins! 

I have the strength and stomach to clean my own toilets, to change the sheets on the bunk bed, and to---gasp---actually find the joy in doing my own dishes!  Lest you think I'm a saint, moments from transfiguration, I have yet to rejoice in meal planning and grocery shopping, and I still get so frustrated at those mommy moments of finding an entire dresser and closet of clothes emptied all over a bedroom on the morning we most need to leave the house on time, or juice spilled for the 17th time on the freshly mopped floors, and all the other, lovely, "deep breath" moments that accompany parenting young children.  However, I have learned a little more how to cherish all the moments I'm given.  I am even more grateful for the ways in which my experiences with the adversity of cancer have blessed my young sons. They are quick to forgive, more cognizant of mommy's "boo-boos," freely giving of those cherished, "I love you's," and even offer to kiss ME better when they know I'm not feeling well.  There are truly miracles in the little things. 

In our adversity, some of the biggest challenges lie in the often unanswered "whys?"  Grief and pain can be compounded in the times when we wonder if there was anything we could've done to avoid our trials, anything that would've prevented tradegy from befalling us. Through this experience, I've learned that sometimes terrible things just happen. But, they teach us to cling to our blessings, to seek out ways to comfort others in their grief, to realize that God's blessing of easing burdens and lightening yokes most often doesn't mean simply taking them away and keeping us from adversity, but that He will strengthen us and provide ways for us to bear the burdens placed on our shoulders. 

If I have been an inspiration to anyone because of how I've faced this journey, it is only because I have been blessed to pass through this challenge with faith that The Lord is on my side. All of those little blessings, day by day, add up to so much greatness, and none of it is done alone. 

Another Surgery

I have new nipples! 

This morning I went in for the next step of my breast reconstruction and came out one step closer to finishing the process.  I was in at 7:30 and out and awake by 9:00!  Nailed that surgery!

The original plan should've had my breasts all finished this month, but complications and too many adjustments meant that I would need one additional procedure to complete the nipples before the final tattoos. Thankfully, my doctor listened to my concerns about finances and the additional costs and agreed to do this surgery in his office. (It was hard to NOT hear my concerns through the blubbering tears!). 

We made it to dr. B's office, and started with my least favorite part of any medical procedure: the IV!  I've joked about having Stephen start one before I even come in, having them just access my port, and other options to ease this process. I don't know what it is about me, but I ALWAYS seem to have problems and pain with IVs. Luckily, I only needed a 22 (small needle) and had a nurse with LOTS of IV experience!  Having that go smoothly and painlessly was a good omen. 

Dr.  B came in to draw on me, and was VERY pleased with his handiwork. He asked if I thought they were too big, if I was happy, etc.  He said he was very happy and thought they looked great. He marked the place for the new nipples and a place in my ear for more cartilage, if needed. 

I met with the anesthesiologist, and he asked the standard questions. Then, he asked one that made me smile: "What are you having done today, some lypo?"  

"No, nipple reconstruction."  (But I wanted to say, "What are you saying? You just assume it's lypo?"  I didn't. Don't want to mess with the man with the good drugs!)

I said goodbye to Stephen, walked across the hall into the operating room, and had a nice nap. When I woke up, I was bandaged up, dressed, and ready to go. 

Now I'm home and ready to rest. We'll get to take the bandages off tomorrow. How's that for a Valentine's Day present?  Look, but don't touch!

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Herceptin #39,40

It's World Cancer Day, and I'm in the chemo chair. For all those who have felt the effects of cancer, whether through a personal battle or a fight of a loved one, there's some comfort in knowing that we are not alone. If fighting this fight has taught me anything, it is that I am strong enough to beat cancer, but so much stronger with the support of family and friends.

I never expected cancer to hit me when it did.  I wasn't prepared in many ways.  But, my life has been full of many unexpected twists and turns, so I've come to expect the unexpected in general. Whenever I feel like I'm finally in a good place and finally figuring things out, something in the plan changes. 

I came across this image not long ago and couldn't have described my life much better. I would've possibly added sharks, a broken bridge, a glass wall, a few detours and construction zones, and some flats tires/busted chains, but this is really close to my truth.

If you asked me 2 years ago, we were finally on a pretty smooth path.  Stephen was finally done with school, and loved his job.  We made it past the stumbling blocks of an unexpected pregnancy and fighting the IRS, saved enough money to buy our first home, and had 3 healthy boys.  After ups and downs and twists and turns, we were going to enjoy a little time of rest to catch up and get ahead. We'd joked many times before about how we had gone WAY past "plan B," and were actually closer to "plan FF," having used the entire alphabet of life plans and still going. It seemed, however, that finally one of our plans actually came to pass as expected! 

We'd simply reached a false summit.

There's something rather defeating about making plans and progressing toward dreams, but never quite reaching them. To have a goal-oriented mindset, to be moving forward, only to stumble and have those goals always lie just out of reach can be discouraging. 

Perhaps our goals and our plans had always been just that--OUR goals and OUR plans. Maybe they didn't always match up perfectly with GOD'S plans FOR us, so He had to keep recalculating and redirecting until we finally caught on.  Sometimes being forced to stop and reevaluate is just what you need to keep going.   Cancer definitely did that for us and forced us to see the world differently.

So, here we are: Deeper in debt, yet stronger in faith; Further from goals of paying off student loans, but closer to each other; Frustrated about the time wasted, but grateful for every minute of life we are still blessed to enjoy; Broken down to be built back up. 

We can plan and plan, but reality can take us somewhere completely different. What matters is that we keep moving forward. Even if we lose balance and fall, we are never truly down as long as we get back up and get going. 

Speaking of getting going and keeping moving forward, a friend of mine is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk for breast cancer.  She's walking in my name, and I am honored.  There is so much love and support to be found in such an awful journey.  If you feel so inclined, please visit her website and learn more! 

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #37, 38

I had the chance to teach a lesson to the Young Women of our congregation on the topic of Personal Progress.  There is a specific program in our church called Personal Progress in which the girls make goals, pass off experiences, and complete projects in the areas of 8 specific values, but progress is a topic for everyone.  I LOVE the motto "Never Stop Improving," because it's a great mission statement for life.  None of us is perfect.  Each of us has areas to improve.  We are here to learn, grow, change, experience, serve, adapt, prepare, perfect, and progress.  January is a perfect time to evaluate and set goals on areas of progression for the year, so it was perfect timing for this topic.  I'm not going to share my whole lesson, but I think a discussion on personal growth is valuable and relates to the journey through trials.

The Parable of The Pebbles:  {Shayne M. Bowen}

One night in ancient times, three horsemen were riding across a desert. As they crossed the dry bed of a river, out of the darkness a voice called, “Halt!” They obeyed. The voice then told them to dismount, to pick up handfuls of pebbles, put the pebbles in their pockets, and remount. The horsemen followed the instruction.

The voice then said, “If you have done as I commanded, tomorrow at sunup you will be both glad and sorry.” The horsemen rode on. When the sun rose, they reached into their pockets and found that a miracle had happened. The pebbles had been transformed into diamonds and other precious stones.

The horsemen remembered the warning that they would be both glad and sorry. They were glad they had taken some pebbles, sorry they had not taken more.

I LOVE parables!  The stories are short and sweet.  The messages are deep and lasting.  In this parable of pebbles, we compare the small stones to the small, everyday acts we do that help us slowly improve and progress.  Personal progress becomes precious possessions, one pebble at a time.  Bowen says, "The world would have you believe that the values of faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue are insignificant pebbles in a modern world. That is not true. “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."  When we do small and simple things, making these positive changes in life, great things can come about.  

Sometimes we underestimate the value of the precious pebbles that God places in our paths.   Sometimes we curse the stumbling blocks that are there to test our strength.  However, each time we add to our pockets, we collect more material to be transformed.  These pebbles may seem small and insignificant, but in reality they are treasures of eternal worth.

It's important to not be discouraged, overwhelmed, or to compare our experiences and our progress with others.  Progress is a personal thing.  Each of us has individual and natural strengths and weaknesses.  We are all on different points in the path.  We won't all collect the same pebbles, the same amount of pebbles, or pebbles at the same time.  However, making goals and reaching them--collecting the pebbles of self improvement--will pay off for each of us when they are combined to make our personal treasures.  Real progress is made by following the pattern of small, consistent, positive actions.  We become great not all at once, but by discovering areas in which we should progress, making goals in those areas, and continuing to accomplish those great things consistently.  I love how Thomas S. Monson puts it:  "learn what we should learn, do what we should do, and be what we should be."

As I think about my own personal progress, the goals I am working on, and those I want to achieve, I realize more and more that the small steps added together can take us on great journeys.  I chip away at chemo.  I work on small goals everyday to keep my house clean and organized.  I start with small projects that can be easily completed.  I try to do a little bit each day to improve myself or strengthen a talent or help someone else.  After a bit of time has passed, I'll be able to look back and see the priceless treasures I've accumulated, one pebble at a time.  

One Year Ago

Exactly one year ago today, my life changed forever.  When my doctor called on that Thursday, earlier than the projected 72 hours needed for results from my biopsy, we knew something wasn't right.  Still, in that instant when she announced, "It's cancer," I knew I would never be the same again.

In my short history, I can recall only a handful of other dates in which I can pinpoint the exact moment my life as I knew it would be forever changed.  Among my favorites:  May 31, 2000: 11:00a.m.  I became Mrs. Stephen Cooper and forever a partner, no longer a single;  July 18, 2007: 9:25a.m.  I became a mother, forever giving my all to support a life which I helped create.;  April 9, 2010: 5:23 p.m.  My family grew by one, and my heart expanded to contain the extra love.;  November 11, 2011: 12:42 p.m.  I began to understand the Lord's timing, the miracle of trusting in His plan for me, and knowing beyond any doubt that our family needed this other precious soul to be complete.  Most of the life-changing moments that will be sealed in my memory forever have had an incredibly positive reason for their importance.  Initially, January 17, 2013 was quite the opposite, but it's amazing how tragedy can turn to triumph.

After the initial devastation and shock, after my life ended for a moment in time and I quickly woke back up and realized that I had too many reasons to keep going rather than give up, I knew I had a choice.  I could either let cancer define and destroy me, or I could transform and thrive.  Through the process, I have tried to look for the tender mercies of the Lord, to seek the positive, and to learn what He has planned for me, all while leaning on faith.  It's been a process, but I've learned to shift my perspective.  Being required to overcome has made me realize strengths I didn't know I had and has forced me to use them.     

This year has changed me, but that's what life is all about.  We are here to progress, constantly on the path, practicing perfection.  Physically, my body has undergone destruction and reconstruction, and I feel far from perfect in that aspect.  However, the physical fades; it is the soul that remains. 

"You have cancer," is something I never wanted {or expected} to hear last year, but that moment has now become just another turning point in my life.  Something shocking and scary has become surprisingly instructive and uplifting.  I did not choose this path, but as long as I'm on it, I might as well keep moving forward, getting stronger and continuing on to the next big thing.