Wednesday with Naqvi--Herceptin 18

I consider myself to be a strong person.  Sometimes that strength manifests in its negative connotational forms as being too strong-willed and stubborn, but one main goal of mine this year has been to turn what could be seen as weaknesses into more of strengths.  I'm hoping to mold "strong-willed" into determination, courage, and faith to battle through whatever challenges come my way.  Stubbornness?  Well, some of that stubborn strength is needed to be assertive when it comes to asking for what you need, getting proper care, and protecting yourself and those you love, but I do need to learn to be a bit more humble, charitable, and understanding.  These last few weeks, I've been especially challenged to turn that stubborn strong-will of mine into charity, and in a new light.  

I know every person has different talents.  I know everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.  My entire philosophy of teaching was built on that foundation, that everyone has been given something great, even if it's just one talent, and it is up to each person {possibly with the help of someone like a teacher} to find a way to learn to develop whatever they've been given in whatever way{s} best fit their style{s}.  I know the parable of the talents to be true.  To some is given many and to some fewer, but everyone has been given some great gifts.  It is only when they are not developed and shared that we are to blame and seen as slothful and not wise servants.  I also know that everyone is given challenges and that it is unfair to compare our challenges to others' because breast cancer for one might just truly be another's paper cut.

Apparently knowing something and living it are two totally different principles because sometimes I just feel like screaming, COME ON!!!!  {Or, "Girl, Please!" as the case may be.}  It is VERY challenging for a person of strength to understand why life in general seems so darn difficult for those who just can't seem to handle day-to-day challenges.  I've truly struggled with it the last few weeks.  Here I am, STILL in chemo after JUST having my body cut apart and put back together in a different form, helping my children with the start of school, going to doctor's appointments, writing thank-you cards, keeping up with two blogs, among other things, and trying to keep life as normal as possible, all while in PRETTY intense pain, without trying to complain too much.  Oh, and did I mention that lovely thing called a menstrual cycle fit right in the middle of all of that?  I am not making this list to boast, act like I'm Wonder Woman, make anyone feel bad, or sound like I'm completely responsible for these accomplishments.  Sure, I've had loads of help and have definitely not done all these things on my own, but in the midst of all of this, I've found it extremely difficult to deal with some complaints from others.  I keep thinking things like, "What is SO hard about that?!" or "Really?  You can't keep it together?  There are people out there with no jobs, no place to live, raising more children, working more hours, suffering more severe diseases, facing heavier losses, struggling with tougher addictions, carrying truly heavy burdens, and so on!  Quit complaining!!!!!!"  

I guess I still need lessons in charity and humility.  I have been given strength.  I've been blessed with countless examples of strength.  It has been instilled in me to weather the storms, to take what comes and love it, to bloom where I'm planted, to not be held back by or use my disabilities as a crutch.  I've been taught that there might be times to cry and vent a little--like when you're moving across the country, driving all six of your children, including a nursing baby, by yourself, in August, and the air-conditioner in the car goes out right as you cross the first state line, or when the wood-burning stove falls apart and catches the wall on fire, or the septic tank backs up and there's literally crap backing up into your shower, or when you discover that what you truly thought was residual milk ducts or enlarged lymph nodes is actually breast cancer and not only will you endure chemo and lose your hair, but also your breasts and many parts of "normal" life as you knew it.  Yes, there are most definitely times to vent and cry, but the key is to vent and cry a little and then get up and do what needs to be done, all while realizing that it could be much, MUCH worse!  And, my humility and charity needs to kick in at this point because there are people who do not have the God-given talent of strength.  There are people who find true tragedy and despair in having to change one extra poopy diaper, to endure a hang nail, to have to discipline their own children, or to even to gather the strength to get out of bed.  And, I need to learn to not judge them for that or to attempt to compare my strengths to their weaknesses.  

As frustrating and disappointing it may be when these "tragedies" of others personally affect me, I have to remember that it is not up to me to judge them.  Although I may view their challenges as easy and light, they might feel truly burdened.  Most importantly, our Savior has suffered ALL, and, I have to remember that He is the only one who can judge when someone is truly suffering their burdens well or only using their problems as reasons to be lazy.  In fact, He is probably watching me and thinking, "Come on, Mel!  A little breast cancer?  It's ONLY stage 2B, and it's mostly gone!"......"Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job." (D&C 121:10)  

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, [my daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122: 7)  In other words....even your situation could be much worse, so be cheerful and YOU learn the good to take from your own challenges.  Don't worry about those people who don't seem to grasp that concept yet.

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"  (D&C 122:8)

It's like I'm being reminded that nothing ANYONE is going through is worse that what HE went through, so how do I have the right to say what a person should be able to handle or not?  And, it doesn't matter because He knows me, loves me, watches over me, gives me what I need when I need it.....AND does the same for everyone else, though no one is at the same point in their journey.

"Therefore, hold on thy way......thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever. (D&C 122:9)

He makes this promise to me, and to everyone else, even those who, right now, see a hang nail as a reason to take a personal day and get back into bed.