Tuesdays with Melodee

 After I finally got the correct drugs in me this week, I started to feel much better.  Surprise, surprise!  I didn't vomit at all this week!  I still ate nothing but chicken soup and ice cream for 3-4 days, but am slowly returning back to *normal,* even though I can tell that the process is taking its toll on me.   

This whole thing is such a mental/physical/spiritual/emotional journey.  In my mind, I'm still ME, still able to go, go, go and get everything done.  Then, the fatigue or nausea or pains catch up to me, and I realize that I'm not only human, but a sick human at the moment.  I get tired and need to rest after doing a few simple tasks like getting the kids dressed and beds made.  Also, In my mind, I'm HUNGRY.  Mentally, I want to eat full meals, but then I start to eat  and realize that things just don't taste the same as they once did, and my stomach just can't handle what the chemicals in my brain are telling me I want to eat.  For example, I tried to eat some cereal this morning--Cinnamon Life--and it was revolting.  I couldn't stand the milk!  If only I wasn't held back by my physical limitations, this would be much easier.

My head, eyes, and eyebrows were itching like crazy this week, as what was left of my hair from before kept falling out.  I would wake up in the morning, and it looks like a gray-headed cat had been sleeping and shedding on my pillow.  I finally shaved the rest of the hair off this week.  I'm starting to feel like a different person, physically.  At least, I've been told, I have a good head for baldness.   

What a difference some makeup can make!   I'm getting better and better at coloring in eyebrows.  I wonder how long it will take for my hair to start growing back.  I can't wait to see how/if it changes.   

The good news is that I'm half-way through with the 2nd half of chemo.  It's nice to have these small checkpoints, since the REALLY long part is still to come.  I still have surgery{ies}, possible radiation, and FORTY more weekly doses of Herceptin.  Yes, 40!  It dawned on me this week what a daunting amount that is.  It's a bit discouraging to think about trying to do a weekly countdown, especially since 40 weeks reminds me of a pregnancy.  It's insane to me that I will have friends who will conceive, carry, and give birth to a child before I will be finished with this process.  At this point, I feel like I will never get this port out! I'll have to think about some other countdown that will make the whole timeline pass by more quickly. 

Pills are GOOOOOD!

I never experienced "natural" child birth.  To go without an epidural would kind of be like going against the family business.  Plus, my mother, who gave birth to SIX children--some with drugs and some without, gave me the advice, "Take the drugs!!!"  The birth plan for me definitely included drugs.  There are some women out there who almost put on a badge of honor and courage for their drug-free birthing process.  I never earned that award.

I do, however, feel I must have earned some kind of award in this chemo battle.  Remember how awful my nausea and vomiting was last time around?  Yeah, so do I.  I HATE throwing up.  And, I threw up a lot last time.  I couldn't keep down soup.  Or Gatorade.  Remember how terrible I felt and how I felt even worse, having the knowledge from the beginning that my doctor told me 90% of her patients are able to function and work without much trouble?  I thought I was part of the 10% who just totally wussed out and couldn't keep it together.  Imagine my shock and surprise when my nurse came over to my chair on Tuesday and asked why only one nausea medication showed up in my charts.  Um......EXCUSE ME?!?  Apparently, someone dropped the ball and let me endure this awful, more aggressive chemo with only the Zofran regimen that helped with the last round.  I was supposed to have a 3-pill drug that prevents and blocks chemo-induced nausea.  You start taking it the morning you start chemo.  So, not only did I not have this *power drug* for the entire first dose, I didn't have it the morning of the second dose, either!  I was also supposed to  have one other pill to help with nausea.  This information really would've been useful to me THREE WEEKS AGO!!!!!  My doctor even asked me, "why didn't you call when you were so sick before?!?"  Well, maybe because I WAS NEVER TOLD THAT THERE WAS MORE YOU COULD DO FOR ME!!!!!!  Really!?!  Every time I think I've got this patience and serenity thing under control, something like this happens.  I guess I can be glad that *hopefully* the worst I feel is what I endured with NO DRUGS AT ALL the first time around!

I did get some really good news on Tuesday, though.  The official report from my ultrasound shows that my tumor has shrunk from around 5cm to 2-2.5 cm.  Not bad!  My tissue still shows all the calcifications and "pre-cancerous" areas, but the main tumor has responded quite well to chemo.

I'll just remember that all this crap I'm enduring---even "naturally"--is worth it.  And, from now on, BRING ON THE DRUGS!!!!   

Tuesdays with Naqvi--2.2

Comfort and answers to questions sometimes come to mind so clearly when I least expect it.

On Sunday, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being known and loved by my leaders and by my Savior. Some of my favorite scriptures were discussed, and I felt as if some concerns and questions I've had up to this point in my journey were being personally addressed. We learned more about how trials and weaknesses help us to be humble so The Lord can make weak things become strong in us. This has been a recurring theme for 2013 in our household, so it was comforting to have this testimony strengthened and the concept expanded.

During Sunday School, our topic was on Jesus Christ and becoming more like Him. We discussed the idea of knowing, doing, and becoming--that we start with a testimony and then do the things that we believe and eventually become a product of those good and true deeds. As the story of the rich man who asked Jesus what he needed to do to gain eternal life was mentioned, my mind was flooded with new insight on this story and how it specifically can relate to me and my life right now.

To review: Matthew 19: 16-30

16 ¶And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

 17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. 

 18 He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,

 19 Honor thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

 20 The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?

 21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect,  go and sell that thou hast, and give  to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

 22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

 23 ¶Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

 24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

 25 When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?

 26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

 27 ¶Then answered Peter and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

 28 And Jesus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration  when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

 29 And every one that hath forsaken  houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.

 30 But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.

{See also Mark 10:17-31 and Luke 18:18-30}

In each of the gospel accounts, you can tell that this is a young man who obviously has a testimony. He is faithful and righteous. He wants do be good and do good. He loves The Lord and His gospel. He has kept the commandments and has lived a good life from his youth. I'm sure many of us can relate. We've been trying to be good, to serve others, to keep the commandments, and to stay away from sin. But, as we get stuck in the "enduring to the end" part of life, we may find a comfort zone where we are content to stay.  We pat ourselves on the back for "going through the motions," checking off all the wonderful commandments we are keeping.  Yes, I go to church.  I have a testimony, do my calling to the *best* of my ability, teach my children, pay tithing and offerings, have Family Home Evening, family scripture study, and family prayer.  We serve others.  We clean the church when it's our turn.  We visit our assigned families......and, and, and.  When it starts to feel like we are justifying our comfort zone of commandment living to the Savior, as this young man did, by listing off all the commandments we ARE keeping, surely there are some that we aren't doing so well at, for there is always more to be done, some area of growth, a way to be perfected.   I think this young man was in the comfort zone, feeling pretty proud of all the great things he was doing. So, he came to the Savior and asked the question, "What ELSE do I need to do?" This young man was already striving to keep the commandments he knew and was following his leaders. He had reached the "knowing" stage and was ready to move further into the "doing" stage so that he could "become" all that God wanted him to become. He was wanting to do even more, so he asked. Sadly, when Jesus' answer of how he could become more and gain even more blessings was too hard, too challenging, too much of a sacrifice, the young man turned away, probably losing much more than his earthly goods in the process.  Hopefully, he didn't also lose his testimony.

In all the times I've read or heard this story,  I've focused on the literal meaning of it.  On the surface, it's about giving up your money, wealth, and worldly possessions in order to follow the Savior. But, as I applied this young man's question to my own life, I thought of how much deeper this example could be if we don't just think of the sacrifice needed as one of wealth and possessions. We often come to points in our lives when we ask The Lord, "What should I do? Where should I go? How can I become better/have more patience/serve others/be more like Thee?" Sometimes the answers are difficult, for in order for us to grow, we must be stretched beyond our comfort zone. Sometimes praying for patience will bring on a test of that patience. In order to grasp more faith on a topic, our faith is often tested by something stronger than our current ability to hold tightly. Sometimes the asking of how to become stronger puts us in situations that stretches our strength to the breaking point. I've often heard the adage, "be careful what you wish for, because sometimes you get it." When the young man first asked what he should do, Jesus told him to keep the commandments.  If the man would have left at this point, he probably would've thought, "Great! Nailed it! I've got this!"  But, he continues the discussion, listing all the things he's done.  Maybe he was hoping for the Savior to tell him, "son, you've done enough.  Why don't you just sit this one out and let all those other less faithful take a turn at obeying something for once."   As we can see, when we are ready for growth--even if we don't always ask for it--we will be pushed a little out of our obedience comfort zone.  I can just picked Jesus saying "If you want to be perfect, go and.....give up your stubborn control and trust completely in My will.  Quit yelling at your children when you reach the breaking point.  Don't reach the breaking point with your children.  Forgive those who have trespassed against you, even when they are not willing to change......."  I'm sure I could list a million things I'm not doing perfect that the Savior could tell me to go work on if/when I ever get too comfortable in my righteousness.  In asking "what ELSE" we can do to do more and become more, we are often faced with challenges, for the "becoming" tests us in order to strengthen us---after the trial of our faith.  

How sad that the young man, so eager to be like the Savior, got caught up on the one thing that tested him beyond what he thought he could do.   "And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions."  {Mark 10:25} In other words, "...he was very sorrowful: for he was very rich."  {Luke 18:23} And again, "he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions." {Matthew 19:22} The young man couldn't--or wouldn't--get past that stumbling block in his life and missed out on so much joy and so many more blessings! We, too, are often asked to give up things--friends, time, talents, leisure activities, freedom, family, good health--to gain much more. We are tested by difficult sadness, loss, temptations, frustrations, sacrifice, and grief. Will the trial that stops us and tries to turn us away be one of infertility, marriage difficulties, ailing children, job loss, cancer, being shunned by friends, losing homes, the death of loved ones? There are countless trials.  We don't know what lies ahead, but will there be an answer that causes us to lose faith? Hopefully, when our questions of, "What else, Lord?" are answered, we don't turn away from Him, sorrowful, because we think His answers are too difficult.

Instead, we should turn to the Lord even more and plunge ahead, continuing to press forward with faith.  I'm reminded of a hymn, "Come, Come, Ye Saints," especially the 2nd verse:

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

'Tis not so; all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we'll have this tale to tell--

All is well! All is well!

Whenever we feel that our lot in life is too difficult and are tempted to give up, to turn away, that is exactly the time to NOT turn away from the Lord.   God will never forsake us, so we should never turn away, even in times of trail.  For the reward comes once the battle is over.  For all who give up riches, or time, or activities that would take us away from church attendance, or whatever we think it so difficult to give up, "will receive an hundredfold."  I think I'm willing to take that deal. 

After the young man turned away, Jesus talked about how difficult it will be for a rich man to get into heaven.   I feel strongly that this doesn't apply only to wealth, for each of us in rich in something. I think it applies to any great stumbling block we hold on to that would keep us out of the straight and narrow gate.  A camel going through the eye of a needle sounds impossible doesn't it?  After that example, the disciples ask how anyone can get to heaven.  I can just see leaders discussing a valiant saint who made a few mistakes.  "Well, if SHE can't make it, who can???"  "With God, all things are possible," is the simple answer. 

From these accounts, it seems as if the young man had a testimony, but wasn't truly converted. He was keeping the commandments, but wasn't willing to give everything to he Lord, to truly trust Him. He turned his back on the Savior when times got tough. No wonder he was sad! The thought of giving up and turning away creeps in during difficult times. In the moment, it seems so much easy to give up for a bit, to back away and "take a break" from all the effort it takes to live a righteous life.  Yes, it would be SO much easier to not do certain things, but I can't afford to go without the Lord's blessings I would lose in turn.  It is not worth losing my testimony because the answers are hard. It is not worth stepping away from the Savior because the path ahead is an uphill battle. I cannot afford to take my eyes off the eternal perspective because a stumbling block is placed in the road.  I must keep moving forward, even when what is asked of me seems, at first, like something I am not prepared to endure. For when we give up everything and turn our lives to God, we are promised that whatever we have had to give up/whatever difficulties we have had to endure--all will be returned an hundred fold. Whenever the Savior asks us to follow Him, he blesses us, so why would we EVER turn away from those blessings, just because the way ahead seems a bit diffucult? He will help us through whatever challenges seem beyond what we can give. He will lead us to the easier paths or will make the difficult paths easier to bear. The bigger sorrow comes not in the difficulty but from turning away without answering His call. The joy and comfort is found in trusting Him and being strengthened in those challenges in order to know, do, and become more like Him.

A VERY Good Week

This week I felt like myself again, and I loved it.  There was no nausea, no {unusual} fatigue,  and no weird chemo-related symptoms.  My only complaint was an ear infection and the cough of 2013 that just won't die.  Other than that, no one ever would've known this week that I'm in the middle of chemo.  In fact, today I got a compliment about my gorgeous, red hair from someone I just met and how she'd remember me by my great hair and smile.  Then I informed her that I was wearing a wig because I'm going through chemo for breast cancer.  Fooled you! 

I felt so much freedom this week.  Not only did I feel better, but I felt like I had so much more time on my hands.  I had time to run errands, to get projects crossed of my list, and was even able to take the boys out for some fun.  It's incredible how much more time I had because I wasn't in bed, sick, and didn't have to make 3 trips to the hospital this week, losing an entire day to chemo.  We went shopping, picked out some things for the house, got a few Father's Day gifts, and still had time to play.  I was in charge of an activity for the Young Women of our church this week and was able to get that done, even though I had to bring the boys along--without getting completely exhausted or feeling tired.  Closets got organized, the pantry is now cleaned out, and some decorating that's been on the back burner for weeks is now complete.  I feel like the old me was peaking through the fog this week, and I am so grateful for that freedom.  Freedom this week was in good health and so much free time.

Now, for the negatives.  My hair--the hair on my head that completely thinned out and was pulling out in clumps before I shaved it off but continued to grow a little in its gray and nearly-bald stage--that hair is now falling out again.  My eyebrows are thinning, and my eyelashes are literally hanging on by a few threads.  I love doing dramatic eye makeup and just a gloss on the lips for make-up, but it's hard to have a lot of drama when there are 7 eye lashes to work with.  Also, I still feel quite frustrated with all the steroids and the inability to really work out causing so much weight gain.  Those are not big things, really, but there are pieces of Me--the me that I was and that I still am in my mind--that I'm losing through this.  Maybe some of that loss is freeing, but having my identity slowly slipping away is difficult, especially on top of the stress and the sickness.  I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to be humble over my appearance or of my concern of other people's concerns of my appearance or if that's not even a factor and me losing the appearance I had in the old me is just a side effect of the entire process.  Our bodies are temples, and we are supposed to take care of them and keep them beautiful, but I guess there's a fine balance between pretty and pride.

For every negative that comes my way, I'm still holding on to the positives.  My nails and hands no longer hurt.  Although there is an almost ombre effect in my fingernails as the color changes caused by various drugs grow out, they feel normal again.  I haven't felt pain or swelling in my arm in several weeks.  And, if I can get through the first 10 days after chemo, it seems like I get a break for the next 10 or so, and that is a huge blessing.   

I have one more day of freedom until the process starts all over again.  Until Tuesday!           

Tuesdays with Melodee

It's Tuesday, and I'm not having drugs pumped in me!  Hooray! I could use that Benadryl-induced Tuesday nap, though. 

Thankfully, the worst of the effects from last week's chemo seem to be over.  I spent all day Friday and most of Saturday in the bathroom.  I felt well on Sunday morning--good thing, since I had to have the stamina to clean my son's vomit off his sheets---well enough, even, to go to church, but that was probably a mistake.  It's incredible how exhausting it has become to do "normal" things.  I feel so tired and out of breath all the time.  In my mind I can still accomplish all the tasks I need to and can keep running here and there with no problem, but I forget how weak and tired this physical body can get, especially after being physically sick for 36 hours.

Yesterday, it was Stephen's turn.  I hate to ask, "Why?!?," but what have we done to deserve this?  2013 is just not our year.  We are not only dealing with my breast cancer and the side-effects, stress, and inconvenience of chemo, but we all keep getting sick!!!  In the week that was supposed to start the toughest of my chemo rounds, EVERY PERSON IN OUR HOUSEHOLD was sick--vomiting/diarrhea/combination--not to mention the coughing and runny noses that won't subside.  I really think I could handle JUST chemo, but my experience with chemo has yet to be "just" chemo.       

Stephen seemed to be doing better by the evening, so we decided to go out as a family for some shaved ice at a grand opening of a new Bahama Bucks in town.  While waiting in line, Ryan kept saying his tummy hurt, so I sat down to hold him.  The minute we sat down, he vomited all over both of us.  As I made our way through crowds of people to the bathroom to wash off the sickening mess, I couldn't help but laugh a little.  And then get sick myself from the smell.  And shake my head and grin again.  You just can't make this stuff up!  We left with a stripped-down 3-year-old and a mom covered in soapy, wet, vomit remains---snow cones in hand--and drove home with the windows down, so the smell wouldn't make anyone else sick.  Fun times, I tell you. 

I thought back to a hymn we sang at church on Sunday.  "Count Your Blessings."  As we sang it on Sunday, that same feeling of grinning, shaking my head, and laughing came.  I'm not going to lie and say that the hymn turned me into a "glass-half-full" kind of gal.  I did not immediately start letting go of all the questions of "why" and "how" and "when will it end?"  All my doubts did not "fly," nor did we all skip merrily home, singing all the way with happy smiles on our faces.  A bright pathway did not open up before me, pouring out with blessings.  I am grateful for my blessings, and I know they are many.  However, in the trenches of hard times, it's not always easy to smile and sing and not be burdened down, just because you know you have much to be grateful for.  It's hard work to be care-free in times of trial.  That does not mean that the blessings are gone.  The part of the hymn that got to me on that day was to simply count my blessings; "name them one by one," especially when it is a struggle to start at one and count up when naming those blessings.  When the doubting questions are easier to ask, it's so much better to start adding up the facts--those things we know we can thank God for.

I'm thankful for running water.  I'm thankful for a washing machine.  I'm thankful for plenty of changes of clean clothes.  I'm thankful for Pepto and Zofran.  I'm thankful for understanding people who could help a sick mom get her sick kid out of the snow cone place.  I'm thankful for bath time and bedtime and for the gift to be able to start again each day because the days of 2013 sometimes just can't end quickly enough around here.  I'm thankful for each of my boys, and would be SO THANKFUL if they could all just start getting better and staying better.  Really, boys, you don't need to try to put yourself through this to make me feel like I'm not alone.  I'm fine taking this one for the team.  Let's just keep the sickness to a minimum and let Mommy get through it.  Once that is under control, it will all be SO much easier to count our blessings.       



  

The Glad Game

It's time to put on my best Pollyanna smile and try to think of something to be glad about. "It helps sometimes....when things aren't going so well."

This stuff is kicking my butt...stomach, really. The day-after wasn't too bad, and I was having high hopes that I might be able to do really well. Waking up to a baby who had thrown up in his crib and threw up again after breakfast was not a good sign, especially since my oldest stayed home from school after throwing up and feeling sick a few days ago. {Really, Evan, did you have to throw up on the new pillows???} Stephen also has a sore throat/ear infection, again, and has been sick all week. Seriously!?! If I was the only sick one around here, this would be so much easier to take! Thankfully, the baby seemed okay after being cleaned up and bathed. I made a smoothie to try to get some breakfast in me. My mom made scrambled eggs for breakfast, and the smell of those got to me, just like they did while I was pregnant.

I managed to make it to the hospital for my shot....almost. It finally all caught up with me once I got inside, and I threw up in a hallway trashcan. Real glamorous. Glad Game: at least it was all smoothie--pre-blended and no chunks. Smooth on the way back up, too! Then, I got the glorious gut shot and headed home to rest. The resting didn't go so well, as I was in the bathroom more than the bed. Glad game: There wasn't much in my stomach, so this time was much quicker. Bonus: One of the chemo drugs causes diarrhea, but Zofran and Lortab can cause constipation. No worries--everything has a way of working out!

The biggest thing to be be glad about this week is that my mom is in town. I am so tired, like I've worked out for hours. Glad game: I have an excuse not to. My body aches, and my insides feel like they're burning from the throat, down. It feels heavy. But, I'm able to move a little slower and not have to stress about keeping the boys entertained, etc., since I have help. Glad game: both younger boys still take afternoon naps, and I was able to, also.

Glad game: I was able to get a $538 refund from one of the medical procedures we'd paid up-front when the insurance was still trying to catch up, without too much trouble. It won't go through for at least a month, and will be turned around to pay someone else, but it's progress!

I was told that this chemo would be worse. So far, that is true. Glad game: I don't have to do it again for another 3 weeks!

Tuesdays With Naqvi--Wednesday Edition

The tough stuff began today. Between working out insurance claims, payments, and refunds along with the office being full of other patients this morning, I didn't get hooked up until after 10:00. I was told that I'd be here "a long time." How long? "All day, until 4 or 5 o'clock." I knew this type of chemo--FEC--involved more different drugs than the Paclitaxel, but I didn't realize the entire process each time would be that much longer than before. {And, I'm not even being given Herceptin during this time!} I'm continuing to learn new things everyday of this process, and just trying to take it one step at a time.

You've probably heard the story about eating an elephant one bite at a time or how people run a marathon by simply putting one foot in front of the other and continuing in that same pattern. I feel a little like this whole BTHO cancer thing is my elephant to eat and my marathon to finish, and I can only focus on the parts I'm currently going through or it all gets too overwhelming. Right now, I know that I'm starting one of the hardest parts, so I'm putting all my energy into being strong and making it to the final check point of chemo. I'm going to make it, step by step, little by little, continuing to learn more about this process and to figure out how my body and mind will react to it and what else I can learn from the journey.

Learning more about the treatment of this disease and being able to understand how this affects my life is part of my coping process. Knowledge truly is power. In Proverbs 1:5, we are told that "a wise man will hear, and will increase learning." Proverbs 4:7 teaches us to "get wisdom and with all they getting get understanding." I like the use of "wisdom, learning, and understanding." Wisdom implies a deep knowledge and the judgement to use that knowledge justly. Understanding refers to comprehension, the ability to use experiences and apply them, to have a mental grasp on concepts. Learning is knowledge gained through study and experience. Although all these terms describe the acquisition of knowledge, there are slight differences. People become wise on certain topics through much learning and study, but sometimes those who believe they are so wise discontinue their learning and growth. When we stop seeking more knowledge, we actually become unwise. In this life we are supposed to learn, grow, and continue our education through study and experience and are told over and over to increase learning, to get understanding. Having wisdom is not enough; we must understand--meaning once we have knowledge about something, we must be able to do something with it. Wisdom is another talent; if buried in the sand, it will not multiply or bless others. So, as I gain more wisdom and understanding on beating cancer, I'm hoping that sharing my experiences will be of some good, and that I'm not just burying my talents in the ground.

I'm asked over and over about what surgery I'm having, what happens next, how long will this all take, and so on. The truth is that I really don't know. The surgery can't be determined until the doctors see how much smaller the tumor gets after chemo is finished. Since I don't know how extensive my surgery{ies} will be, I don't know about the recovery time or which additional treatments I might need. I don't know exactly when surgery will take place or exactly when I'll have to start Herceptin again, or if/when I'll have additional procedures, thus I don't really have an end date for all of this, either. What I do know about my current treatment is this:
I am given a nausea medicine, steroid, and benadryl, the same as before. Now, instead of paclitaxel, my chemo consists of 3 bags of drugs: FEC. It's given in scrumbled order: C, F, E. I was told that Cyclophosphamide could make me feel unusually bad in 10-15 minutes, and to let the staff know if I was having greatly different side effects. With Fluoroucacil, which is also known as 5FU--{it should, "FU2."}--I was told to keep my mouth cold with ice or smoothies in order to close down my blood vessels in my mouth to help prevent the mouth sores the drug can cause. Epirubicin is the "red devil." It takes forever to administer, leaves an awful taste in my mouth, and seems to be the one that causes most of the awful side effects from this round of chemo. I still don't know exactly how I will react, how long it will take for the side effects to ease up, or much beyond what I've done today.   I do know that my urine is now a bright pink--PINK!--and that I feel extremely tired, achy, and a bit nauseous.  It can easily get overwhelming, all the unknowns, so I just go back to eating the part of the elephant I'm currently being served. {And, if I don't read the label or notice any of the terrible side effects, it looks as if I'm simply being served red Koolaid!}

This step-by-step process of tackling this elephant reminds me of one of my favorite BOM scriptures, 2 Ne 28:30:
"I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more...."

Even though it can sometimes be frustrating to learn and grow only "line upon line" and "here a little and there a little," our Father in Heaven knows that this is the best way. We cannot tackle life's challenges always all at once. We cannot run a marathon the first time the running shoes go on. We cannot eat the elephant in one bite. But, learning, understanding, doing, and hearkening step-by-step can see us through our challenges. It's okay to not know everything all at once, for as we receive what we are given with "an ear unto...counsel," we are promised blessings and the ability to be given more understanding. With that understanding comes wisdom, and those who are truly wise have the understanding to put their knowledge to work, using their judgement to overcome any obstacle in their path, as long as it's one bite at a time!