Tuesdays with Naqvi--10

I'm only 33 years old, and my brain is having a hard time making my hands work.

It took a good part of 30 minutes and pure will to clip the boys' fingernails Saturday night, and I must have performed a Jedi Mind Trick to button shirts and put on their ties for church on Easter Sunday. I am used to having to put forth extra physical effort to compensate for the weakness of my hands as it is, but now there is a disconnect between the messages my brain is sending and the ability of my extremities to accomplish said tasks. Plus, I'm still having a hard time letting go and slowing down. And not slowing down on my own is probably back firing--requiring me to be compelled to slow down. I want to be able to celebrate fun days and do all the "things" because I'm just too young to not be able to control my body! How frustrating it is to feel perfectly capable mentally, yet unavoidably disabled physically.

I've been down this week, both physically and mentally. The combination of sickness--cough, cold, runny nose--and frustration has felt a bit overwhelming. I feel like my body is falling apart, and there isn't much I can do about it. My right arm has also swollen up again, and there is a combination of tingling and numbness as well as pain. I wonder if part of the pain is from my muscles aching from the overcompensation in attempting to force my fingers to fulfill the tasks my mind is straining and screaming they achieve. The stubborn and independent part of me just wants to always be trying to cross items off my to-do list, to be able to work around the house, to take care of my children, and to go about doing my "normal" daily tasks along with some of the fun things, but my body just isn't cooperating. My mind knows what my body should be able to do, but my body isn't working the way it should be. There is a definite disconnect. Other lovely side effects that are beyond my control include a constant twitching/muscle spasms in both eyes, headaches, fatigue, random hot flashes, clumsiness, and frustration. I just want to feel like my normal self again!

Thankfully, I don't have time to be down for long. Part of that is because there are 3 little boys counting on me to be as close to the normal me as I can. Life goes on, even when I'm sick, and I would much rather be a part of it than to avoid it and remain in a state of sadness, complaint, or despair. Whenever I get down, I try to think about something I can do for someone else. I muster up all my will power and get up and stop thinking about myself and get to work. My level of work is slower and less strenuous these days, but it feels great to be able to do even the small things. It also helps to look for the tender mercies and the silver linings. On the positive, I haven't been nauseous much. My steroid-induced weight gain has eased up and maybe even decreased. I was able to attend church on Easter Sunday. I've had many nights of restful sleep, and the boys are happy and healthy. I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, and I need to learn how to not try to do it all, to start off running and quickly get done. It's going to take a long time, and unfortunately, There's no way to outrun this race or to quit early. I have to keep going, even when my body doesn't want to comply.

Last week I wrote about feeling blessed with strength to endure and how there are many ways where the Lord is helping to make weak things in my life become strong. I still believe this to be true, especially since many of these newest symptoms have just shown up in the last hour of this round of chemo. {Only 2 more to go until a break-5/6 complete with the first phase of chemo.} I've been told that it's a good sign that it hasn't been an issue until now that I'm almost done, and my body is just showing a breakdown of this kind, even though the neuropathy is the one symptom that takes the longest to reverse. Since my body has had the strength to endure this long, I have faith it will be strong enough to return to full capacity once I'm a cancer survivor.

Something that kept coming to my mind this week in relation to my communication breakdown between brain and body was a phrase from Matt 26:41 which says, "the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Many times this week as I've struggled to open jars, grip the steering wheel, carry dishes out of the oven, button buttons, or accomplish what have been simple tasks that require the use of my hands, I've thought to myself, "Come on! This is easy. You can do this!" My mind, my soul---myself--that person could do those things a few weeks ago without a second thought. Now my body--my flesh---is holding ME back because of physical weakness. So, that phrase from Matthew has a new meaning to me.

Jesus Christ spoke the words first to his friends as they slept through His agony at Gethsemane, right after He pleaded with the Father to remove the cup from Him, that the burden of suffering for our sins, pains, afflictions, and temptations caused His soul what felt like too great of an agony. Our Savior asked his friends for their support, to stay awake with Him because of the pain and suffering His soul was required to endure, but their eyes became heavy and they slept. When Jesus returned and found them sleeping, he counseled the disciples to "watch and pray, that {they} enter not into temptation" and then made His comment about the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak.

There are so many ways to interpret this counsel--the disciples were right there with Jesus, and He asked them to watch, to look on Him and to pray. Sometimes that is all it takes to solve our weaknesses. I think the Savior was in part speaking of His acknowledgment that the disciples were mortal men and had the weakness of a body that gets physically tired and needs to sleep, even though their souls were willing to do everything to follow Him. And, perhaps, Jesus was even commenting on the weakness of His own flesh in suffering through the Atonement and sacrifice himself, even though His spirit and soul was willing indeed to do such a task.

I find it fitting as we just celebrated Easter to find comfort in Jesus Christ and in His sacrifice for each of us. The Lord, even the greatest of all mankind, still asked for release from the greatest trial any man has ever endured. He acknowledged that weakness of our physical bodies can hold us back from the things that our minds, souls, and spirits are completely willing and capable of doing. He asked for the pain and agony to be removed, all the while realizing that it had to be done, that He had to finish it. And once He finished His mission, His weak, earthly, mortal body was laid to rest, only to be taken up again, perfected.

In some small way, I am comforted in the struggle between body and mind. I know that my flesh will someday soon be stronger again, that my spirit will be strengthened through this trial and that my body will soon heal again, stronger, too. For now, I can just keep trying to look toward the Savior, watching and praying, and hoping someone will be around when I have a jar of pickles that needs opening.