Saturday, November 30, 2013

Breast Cancer Portraits--Scars and Healing

My most recent portrait session was a difficult one.  I wanted to document some of the scars and changes in my body, post mastectomy/reconstruction.  I was also dealing with a range of emotions about the whole thing.  My photographer, Amber, usually asks for words to guide her vision for the session.  My words this time were: scarred, loss, pain, healing. 


One of the most difficult parts of this session was trying to capture this part in the journey.  The scars and loss are more than just skin deep.  It's also been quite eye-opening to actually experience just how much goes into the surgery.

When I came home from the hospital in August, I looked a little something like this:


I was cut from hip to hip, stitched back together, had both breasts completely removed of their former tissue.  The original breast skin was used to house tissue harvested from my abdomen, closed by the circular "flaps," skin grafts from my abdomen, which replaced the areas where my nipples were removed.  A new belly button was completely constructed, and I had tubes and drains coming out of {what seemed like} everywhere.  It was a scary looking {and feeling} time.  I was only somewhat prepared for the magnitude of it all.  I was swollen, unable to move or use most of my body how I wanted, feeling down about the intensity of the changes, and in a good amount of pain.  

2 weeks after surgery, I'd had the stitches removed, and all the drains were ready to come out.  I was feeling great about the progress.  Sometimes when I start feeling too well, I overdo things a bit.  In one, small twisting move to reach for something on a side table, something that was so "normal" before all of this, I popped open my abdominal scar in three spots.  I felt like it looked terrible--and the sound of the bust alone made my stomach spin a bit--but my doctor assured me that things like this are fairly common, and I didn't have to come in.  I just needed to give myself more time to heal. 


 A month after surgery, things were improving.  The scars were healing, the swelling was going down, and the pain was vastly decreasing. 


 People are often curious about how the reconstruction works.  In the first stages, the flap of skin that holds in the new tissue is skin borrowed from another part of the body.  This is how it was healing up at my 6-week appointment.  I found it somewhat meaningful that the skin used for the flaps had stretch marks I'd acquired from pregnancy.  In some, small way it reminded me of my 3 precious babies, some of the most important reasons I was going through all of this.     


Before I went through the second stage of the reconstruction, which has completely changed the scars, both in how they look and how I feel about them, I wanted to document the huge circles and scar tissue, but how amazingly the body can heal in such a short time.

Two months after surgery:

 
After posing and recording the scars, talking about the process and the healing, I started to feel like I was seeing some of my strength return.  Loss and scars are real.  The healing process is both physical and emotional, but seeing my strength come through the back of the camera was empowering. 


We brainstormed and wanted to capture that strength.  Through our combined efforts, we envisioned a portrait of a survivor pulling herself out of the hole of sadness and depression, and what better way to pull herself up than with the symbolical pink ribbon? 



It was a tough session, but exactly what I needed.  I think this session was a turning point in my healing, especially in the emotional side of things.  It's amazing how something as simple as pictures can help you start to see the light and the strength that can come from the love of others and from within. 


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Wednesday with Naqvi--Herceptin #30


I am often asked something along the lines of, "How are you doing?"  Often, my response is something like, "I'm doing okay.  We could be better; we could be worse."  Sometimes, I even answer, "I'm doing well, all things considered."  Don't get me wrong.  There is a long list of difficulties I could explain each time someone asks me that "how ya doing?" question.  But, I don't want to complain or focus on what's wrong in the world.  I would much rather focus on the good. I'm not trying be to fake or cover up how hard 2013 has been for me and my family, but cultivating gratitude, especially in difficult times, helps us grow happiness.  "Sucking it up," as Stephen would say, "Not shrinking" in our trials, shifts our focus and helps shed light on all for which we can truly give thanks.  

Did you know It is actually a commandment to show gratitude?


Come before his presence with thanksgiving: Ps 95: 1-2

  • Be thankful unto him, and bless his name:Ps 100: 1-5
  • Cease not to give thanks: Eph. 1:15-16 
  • Be ye thankful: Col 3:15 
  • In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.: 1 Thes 5:18
  • O how you ought to thank your heavenly King: Mosiah 2:19-21 
  • Live in thanksgiving daily:Alma 34:38
  • When thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God:Alma 37:37
  • Ye should do all things with prayer and thanksgiving:D&C 46:7
  • Ye must give thanks unto God:D&C 46:32
  • Giving thanks is a commandment, a virtue, a spiritual gift, and yet, it often does not come naturally.  It must be cultivated and practiced.  Gratitude can be learned and strengthened by simply expressing it, focusing on the good over the bad, by serving others, and showing our love.  All good things come from God, so our gratitude should being with him.  Russel M. Nelson said, "Our degree of gratitude is a measure of our love for Him."  How well we keep the commandment of thanksgiving measures our love for our Savior.  {Isn't it interesting how much of the world these days skips straight from Halloween into Christmas, with little thought on Thanksgiving, and that little thought often focuses on food and shopping and AWAY from Him from whom all blessing flow?}
Don't get me wrong.  Gratitude can be given for the smallest tender mercies, for parents, for children, for our jobs, our homes, our clothes, food, cars to drive, friends, weather, electricity, and so on, but all that good comes from God, so it's fitting that it begin there.  It's also fitting that we focus on Thanksgiving immediately before focusing on the celebration of His birth.  We give thanks for our blessings, and then share those blessings--in the form of gifts--with others.  

Thomas S. Monson, gave a talk called, "An Attitude of Gratitude."   He said, "A grateful heart comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives."  This is the spirit of Thanksgiving!  President Monson continues,  "This {gratitude} requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. Often we feel grateful and intend to express our thanks but forget to do so or just don’t get around to it. Someone has said that 'feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.'"  The season of Thanksgiving flows so perfectly into the joy of Christmas.  We reflect upon our blessings, wrap up that "thankfulness," and give it out.   And the amazing thing is that the blessings often pour back to us.  "Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love." {Monson}

What about when we have trials and developing that attitude of gratitude is difficult?  Perhaps we've lost a loved one, or a job, or a home, or don't have enough food to feed our families.  Perhaps it's too difficult to heat our homes, our cars have broken down, we don't have our health, we're out of touch with friends or family members, or we are just feeling the heavy burden life sometimes places on our shoulders.  The hard times make the virtue of gratitude that much more challenging as well as necessary.  There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.  There is always a silver lining, if we can just train our eyes and hearts to search for it.        

"When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."  {Monson}

Sometimes we have to literally pull ourselves out of those dark places, those sad and depressing moments, or rely on being lifted up by others.  It can be done.  I am here to tell you that it can be done.  Somewhere within each of us lies that strength to turn to the light, to reach for the hands that are yearning to help, or to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps {or pink ribbons, as the case may be} and keep on going.  


 Even while still in the midst of a marathon of a trial, or just a sad moment in a day, we can find much for which to be grateful.  We can smile and express our thanksgiving to others.  We can focus on the positive and all that is good in the world.  We can live in a way that encourages others to be more positive about the hard things with which they are silently--or opening--living.   “We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude.  If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues." {Monson}

Everyone is dealing with something that is hard.  At any given moment, each of us could be sucked into complaining about our lot in life, becoming upset at the unfairness of it all, or succumbing to that dark place where sadness overwhelms and crushes hope, faith, light, and gratitude.  Let us not give up on the good.  Let us see the hard parts for what they are and let them help us to become even more thankful for our many blessings. President Monson gave us a 3-step process to cultivating this attitude of gratitude.  First, express it to Heavenly Father and others.  Then, "enact" it.  I like to think of this as performing acts of gratitude.  Finally, we get to the point where we always live with a spirit of thanksgiving.  I love how he explains it.  "To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

Let heaven touch your heart in the spirit of thanksgiving, and share that spirit with others.  




Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tuesdays with Dr. B

After a long morning of chemo, I still had to go downtown to have my post-op appointment with Dr. Boutros.  
It was a busy day at the office, and there ended up being a little breast cancer pow-wow.  5 patients of Dr. Naqvi and Dr. Pollack, who knew each other from the breast cancer support group, were all discussing stories, diagnoses, and surgery options.  I got in on the conversation, too.  It was nice to see different stages of the process and to hear different experiences.  

The nurses and Dr. B were both very happy with my shape and progress.  However, I was still very swollen, a little warm, and pink.  My drains were still not ready to come out, and there was a concern of developing an infection.  

They sent me off with a new prescription for an antibiotic and another appointment for next Tuesday.  I have these tentacles in for another week.  :(

When I got home, Walgreens called to inform me that the new prescription had penicillin in it.  I'm allergic, and it was too late to call the office for a change.  Really?? ARGGGG! 


I also met with someone about the financial side of things.  Of course, I broke down and cried over the stress of all of it.  Along with my regular high deductible health insurance, there is an additional $12,000 deductible for out-of-network services, which this reconstrucion is.  My major concerns were: Dr. B's services are not going to be completed in this calendar year, so am I going to wrack up ANOTHER 12 grand to finish these nipples that were SUPPOSED to be done last Friday?  And, how much are they expecting me to pay a month because I was asked to set up a payment plan.  Some people in that office might have an extra $1,000 a month to apply to medical services, but we do not.  Hopefully, they are going to work with us.  It still doesn't mean they can waive it all, but we will see what can be done and for now, we can pay whatever we can pay, as long as we are playing something every month.  I feel much better having spoken face-to-face about the concerns and stresses of the financial side, so I can get on with the healing.  

If someone could just fill me in on what I'm supposed to learn from all of this, I'd REALLY appreciate it!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #29

The second surgery is done!  

I was underprepared for the amount of pain and discomfort associated with said surgery, but am starting to feel a little better.  

My original start time was 10:00 a.m., but they called me the evening before to say there was a change in schedule, and I'd now have surgery at 7:30.  They wanted me there at 5:30!  We got there are 6:15.  

There wasn't much in the way of paperwork, since I'd just been there in August, and there were no changes.  They called me back quickly to get my vitals.  There was a new nurse--at least it seemed she was new to the hospital--because she was having a difficult time with the computer charting.  Three other nurses also came in to help.  We were pushing the start time, and my IV still wasn't in.  Dr. B came to meet with me, make his marks on me, and ask about if I understood all the procedures.  He could tell something was a little off, and asked what was wrong.  I told him, "this is all really hard.  It's been a tough year, there's a lot to deal with, the financial stress of it all is getting to me."   I tried to keep it together, but the tears started a little.  He made everyone leave and asked if he could pray with me.  That was a comforting thing, knowing the faith of my surgeon and his understanding of the difficult times in life.  He prayed about helping me through the hard times and understanding that the hard times often make us stronger.  

Anesthesia came in and asked their usual questions.  He said I made it easy for him, since I'm pretty healthy--answered no to all the questions that raise red flags.  Then, he went off on this tangent about how we needed to put the IV in the right arm because of having removed lymph nodes from my left side.  They didn't have to remove lymph nodes, just checked them, and they were negative.  "Are you sure?," he asked.  There will be scars in your arm pits.  Well, I don't have those.  "Oh, well, let's do the IV in the right side, anyway."  I told him I'm a hard stick, that IVs ALWAYS go badly for me, and I hate them.  

So, of course, they let the new nurse stick me.  Good call.  And, we were really running close to start time.  The charge nurse came by to see if we were ready to roll back.  "She doesn't even have her IV in?????"  Way to put even more pressure on it.  

I hadn't seen Stephen yet, either, so they sent him back, even though they don't like people back there while the IV is going in.  Probably because they don't want people seeing them screw up.  

She dug around in my right arm and blew it.  I was crying.  Stephen stood by me and held me hand.  The nurse told him to sit down.  He held my hand.  She tried a smaller needle in my right forearm, and was like, "I got it!"  The anesthesiolgist came in and said, "No, you didn't.  A 22 in that spot should be flowing much better."  Stephen was biting his tongue, thinking the same thing.  The anesthesiologist tried once in my left hand and missed.  FINALLY, he pulled out the lidocaine, and got it in my left arm.  Really, people!!!!  I WARNED YOU!!!!  I was crying like a baby, in pain, and not given enough versed to help with that.  

They wheeled me back to the OR.  I remembered much more about moving over to the bed and getting preped for surgery than I did for the last one. 

And, then I was awake in recovery.  My nurse there was fantastic.  I was in a LOT of pain, so she gave me THREE blasts of meds.  I had to pee like crazy, but discovered I have a difficult time going horizontally.  The bed pan wasn't cutting it.  I hurried up and downed some apple juice to prove I was ready to roll and made it to a toilet.  Stephen got to come back and help me get dressed.  He said Dr. B came out to tell him everything went well.  "I'm not going to lie to you--she's going to be in a lot of pain.  I moved a lot around and did some deep sutures to the chest cavity."  He also didn't do my nipples yet because he wants to wait until the swelling goes down to find the correct positioning.  He did remove the cartilage from my left ear and tucked it under my skin.  

Stephen pulled the car up, and we were off.  I needed some water and was a little hungry.  We met Grandma, Grandpa, and Ryan for lunch, since they were downtown.  I ate a few crackers and some soup and then vomited all over the tray and myself.  I felt better, and had an ice cream cone.  Then, it was time to go home and rest. 

Right before taking my meds, I could feel more nausea coming on.  I threw up the ice cream cone.  I got the medicine in me and slept for several hours.  I was finally able to eat a little soup later that night.

The last few days have been spent with lots of rest, pain meds, trying to walk around a little, and more rest.  Now, I'm back to another round of chemo and on to see Dr. B later today.  Hopefully, he'll take out these tentacles {drains} so I can start feeling more human again and can actually wear normal clothes.      

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this. It's hard when you don't feel like you have much of a choice in the matter.  Whenever I imagined having breast augmentation surgery, I imagined discussing my choices of size and positioning and playing a role in how I would look.  With breast cancer making most of the choices for me, I almost feel like I'm being told, "you'll get what you get, and don't throw a fit."  That's difficult when you're talking about your body and the image of that body and how that relates to emotions.  I'm not unhappy with the results so far.....just not sure how to feel.  I know the process is not done, so I'll just have to have faith that things will all turn okay out in the end.

At least another big step in the process is complete!    Now to sleep.  Please forgive me if this post doesn't make sense.  I wrote it while on pain meds.  Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Tuesdays with Naqvi--Herceptin #28

It's a VERY full week at our house--birthday party, Bunco, rearranging bedrooms after new bunkbeds {We FINALLY have a dedicated guest room!}, helping with preparations for our first nephew, oh..and another surgery.  This one is just touch-ups--lifting and tucking and rebuilding--and has a much easier recovery, but I'm trying to squeeze every last ounce of energy, organization, and creativity out of me before I'm down and out again.

To add to the list of exciting events, over the weekend we experienced something completely out of my normal realm.  I was invited to attend the US Women's Polo Open, for the championship game, as a special guest.  Westside Surgical Center, the hospital where my mastectomy/reconstruction was performed, was sponsering the event, and my doctor was able to invite a few breast cancer survivors and former patients as honorable guests.   The goal of the event was to bring attention to breast cancer prevention and treatment, as the organizers feel that Breast Cancer Awareness and Women's Polo is a natural fit.   We were invited to sit in a reserved box and were recognized before the match.  I found it touching that one of the doctors included in his speech how we are all touched by breast cancer and shared the story of his grandmother who succumed to the disease 20 years ago.  Thankfully, with advancements in treatment and awareness in early detection and prevention, the survival rate is significantly higher today.   I also enjoyed meeting the other women and their families, hearing their stories, being insipired to keep going, and found myself thankful for my own story and that I didn't have to endure even more.  {One has SIX more surgeries to go, as her tissue didn't take AND she had to do chemo, surgery, AND radiation.  Also, her boyfriend left her as soon as her hair fell out.  Another came back BRCA positive and was so far advanced she had to travel to Houston for the intense care she needed.  Another found cancer, had a single mastecomy, found out she had cancer on the other side the next year, had that removed, and her husband left her because she was too different.}  How grateful I am that my treatment has worked, that we caught the tumor soon enough that it hadn't spread, and that I have the love and support of an amazing husband, family, and friends.   I am grateful to have been invited to this event, to have experienced something new, to be an example of spreading awareness for a disease that can be caught early and treated.  

Even though the box could only hold the special guests plus 1, the hospital had a huge tent with food, drinks, and activities for kids.  Stephen and I were able to go without the boys, though, thanks to a generous neighbor.  The boys had much more fun playing there than they would have at the Open.  Stephen and I felt a bit out of place, but we can cross 'Going to a Polo game' off our bucket lists.  We even got out on the field and stomped the divots during half-time....so "Pretty Woman" of me, I know!  From Ruth's Chris Steakhouse catering, to the Aston Martin sponsership, it was a little beyond our paygrade, but I was grateful for the opportunity to promote breast cancer awareness and the ability to try something new.   







Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Wednesday with Naqvi--Herceptin #27

If you are prepared, you shall not fear.

Surely, I was not prepared to be diagnosed with cancer this year.  We often aren't truly prepared fortragedies  and trials that cross our path because many of them are unforseen and unexpected.  

Beyond the physical preparations of saving money, becoming debt-free, storing food and emergency essentials, and learning basic skills necessary to sustaining life and becoming self-reliant, being prepared for difficult times often begins within.  We can face the challenges of life by having inner strength and stamina, steadfast faith, and a willingness to not give up the fight.  This spiritual self-reliance is often just as important and gathering food and water in being able to weather the storms without fear.       

It is human nature to be selfish, lazy, and desire someone else to take care of our needs.  We come about it naturally, born as helpless, weak, incapable creatures, totally reliant on others for survival.  In what other species would it be acceptable to be waited on, hand and foot, carried, cleaned, not moving about on our own for months?  There comes a point in life when we must learn to walk, even when it means falling down.  We must start to work and learn to clean up our own messes.  We start to become self-reliant.  

Spritual self-reliance is harder to identify than physical self-reliance and can be more difficult to develop.  It's not quite as measureable as learning to finally tie our own shoes or drive a stick-shift.  It can't always be taught like multipliying fractions or baking bread, although we can begin our spiritual self-reliance by leaning on the faith and testimony of others.  There comes a point in life when each person must find that light within, that desire to do good contiually, and work to keep that flame alive, regardless of the difficulties he or she faces.  

Spiritual self-reliance includes developing faith, independence, motivation, and energy to endure and to even thrive, inspite of trials.  It is getting up and doing the good things you know you should do by your own free-will.  It is having integrity, even when it's not popular.  It is, as James 1:22-27 says, being "doers of the word, and not hearers only."  Religion is vain when it is only a way of life for a few hours a week.  The spiritually prepared are those whose light is bright and thankful when blessed, but also whose faith is not shaken in the storms.  When we are motivated to be doers, fear of the unknown is replaced with faith.    

Even though I was not completely prepared for a cancer diagnosis, small drops of oil in my lamp over the years have helped me keep moving forward, able to see the light of blessings and the hand of The Lord still in my life.  I am not afraid and can find happiness and gratitude, even though these trying times.