Round One: Check! (First Three Weeks Complete)

 I was afraid.    

I know I'm not supposed to have fear if my faith is strong enough.  That very thought is repeated in scripture and uplighting messages so often that it should just be easy. 

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10)

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

...Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:9)

It just isn't always easy.  Sometimes I DO feel dismayed!!!

 Even with all the reminders, overcoming is often any but simple.  Just reading about turning to the Lord and allowing Him to replace fear or anxiety or concerns and questions with peace doesn't always happen with a thought or a prayer or the snap of the fingers.  For me, it is something that has been cultivated.  With this constant struggle with cancer and all the pain and fear and unknowns, I am finding the process this time even less of an instant feeling of peace.  So many scary thoughts and feelings try to seep into my consciousness: 

Cancer came back so quickly this time.  

 I'm running out of options.  

So far, the approved and possible treatments that I haven't already tried include only the one I'm on.

Soon, I'll be left with only a handful of trials.  

In the meantime, I have a few annoying/painful side effects to put up with.  

This junk feels hopeless.

How would those around me feel if I just decided to give up? 

But........I can't even let myself dwell on the thought of giving up, so I don't give up.  I keep going.  Even when I HATE it!!!  I constantly tell myself: 

Today's fear can become tomorrow's faith.  

  I keep getting my butt out of bed and doing the things and swallowing all the pills and trying to beat this beast back.  

Thankfully, so far my only side effects from those long lists have been a day of constipation; a day of diarrhea (probably brought on from the drugs to stop the constipation.); some sensitivity and pain on my hands; more of that on the soles of my feet; most of that pain and a feeling of burning and constant blisters on my lower lip, of all places. 

Also, I am tired ALL.THE.TIME.

For the hand and foot stuff, I lather up on all the heavy creams and often wear socks on my feet for most of the day and night.  For the lips...I have tried ALL the balms and chaps and glosses and creams and plant extracts I could find.  FINALLY today, the day before starting this madness all over again...my lip is feeling better!   

This at-home stuff has not been as scary as I thought it would be before I got going.  I'm in it now

and don't dwell so much on the bad, especially because the bad is far less that I thought it would be before starting this three weeks ago.  

Tomorrow will be another infusion + restarting the higher-dosed pill, at a smaller dose this time.  I'm feeling far less anxious and much more faith in the Lord's promises to strengthen me through the storm.  (I have a leg up because I come from a long line of strong women, and I got to spend the weekend with two of those!)

One socked foot in front of the other.