The day after my birthday, dressed in my finest 'Birthday Queen' shirt and most sparkling crown for travel to the far-away lands of my cancer clinic, to party with oncology friends and strangers. This follow-up appointment was so close to my actual birthday, that it deserved to be celebrated. (Side note: I'm now 41. That's quite an achievement for someone who was told they would never make it to 38!)
This day was a check-up day, only, NO INFUSION. Dr. Cole wanted more lab work and more face to face, due to last week's low numbers and concern for my overall health.
It was also a day that melted my heart and brought tears, as well. Today I received so much more than care and kindness from my team. As I met with Dr. C, there was a knock on the exam room door. A crowd of masked, busy nurses stood outside, having taken time out to build a spontaneous surprise donut cake and sing "Happy Birthday" and spread so much love for little ol' me. What an amazing gift--to know that I am a real person and not just another number on the list of patients for the day. I have tried to show my love for these essential workers in my life, and I a grateful that that my love was relieved and rebounded in a personal way!
Lab results were, again, not what Dr. Cole had hoped for. They were still too low to start back on full dosage. In fact, my body is so worn down, from the bones-out, that she doesn't think I will ever be able to take any chemotherapy at full dose. Hear that, cancer? You might think you're winning. However, when anyone tells me "you probably can't....." it also means, "you most likely will and disprove us all."
Hopefully, another week of 2 few pills a day from one drug and another week of holding out altogether on the other will help.
It is not fun to know that there is cancer lurking and growing inside my body. It feels terrible to have a plan and then have that plan end up hurting me so much that plans have to change.
I know God knows me and has plans for me. I don't know what, exactly, those plans are right now, so I continue to search and pray and HOPE that I still have good to give to the world. Even it is only my world at home, there is great importance in the space.
I have more to care for in my home world than I ever thought I would. After seven years of struggles with infertility, miscarriages, sadness, and pain of want for a family, we finally had our first child. The second little blessing came much sooner and with less struggle and heartbreak. That unexpected third baby was a total surprise and did not come according to our plans. Our family was complete, three beautiful boys and 11 years later.
That pure love and gratitude for blessings was jackhammered with the heartbreak of breast cancer the following year. What? Had we not ached and bled and pleaded for these miracles in our lives? Had that storm NOT been enough to teach proper humility and faith. Had we not learned well enough to appreciate the heartbreak and heartache from this hardship? Why did this new wretchedness work its way in so soon after receiving three of life's greatest joys??
And again, and again, and again, and again.
What I am not understanding about grace and joy and tragedy and trials? Do I have to be willing to NOT be healed? I don't know how to just NOT try at all, but I do know that God knows and that is the most important thing feeding my hope for now.
Until some new light illuminates some other way around this mess, I will continue to fight for faith and hope and strength and health and miracles so that love and kindness and truth can shine out of me. It is real. When doctors can't explain how I made it all the way to 41, the miracles have to be real. And, I will continue to seek that truth and show that gratitude during sunshine and storm.
(Surely, the cancer isn't done having the hell beat out of it. Onward! FIGHT!)
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