The Upside Down

I did not think I would fall so far into the unknown.   I was told this time would be more difficult, as I'm older and my body is more worn down from more years of fighting cancer.  I'd forgotten that it's  been quite a moment since I've actually gone through real cancer.  It caught me up by surprise and had me barely holding on to reality.  

The start of what felt like living in an alternate dimension of my brain and the world began when I went in to have labs checked and meet with Dr. Cole.  I look back and don't even look like myself or like I am coherent. 

My bloodwork results were so lo, it was dangerous to have chemo.  We would try again in a week.  

Then, something went quite wrong.  Some kind of darkness and inexplicable doom.....being unaware of what was going on around me and having little to no memories of much at all.  

I am not the type of person that deals well with frustration, and not understanding why I couldn't remember a thing and why my husband and family wasn't understanding.  I was lost and confused.  I didn't actually realize there was a problem.  I did things like leave the stove and oven on.  Drive to pick up my children from school and be found asleep in the car, in line, all with no memory of those events.  My ability to safely navigate the world, or know that I was in it was low.  

I am just now starting to dig out of what feels like a deep hole, attempting to put together an idea of what's been going on for the past few weeks.  

One night, I woke up, feeling as if I was flailing around, held hostage and unable to move.  I was swimming through that dark hallucination of a nightmare.  In my head, I was sleeping on a hard bed, lost, crawling around in the dark, confused, lost.  

Then, I heard Stephen's voice, "What are you doing?"

The problem was I didn't know.  (Pulling all the blankets off the bed, trying to get warm on the floor, which I thought was my hostage wooden sleeping situation.  At the time, I was upset that he was

 thinking I was crazy.  

The rest of that night was much of this back and forth.  I was sick and coughing and attempting to wade through confusion.  

When I was conscious the next time, my husband and his brother were trying to get some healing fluids in me-trying to use their skills to access a vein with an IV.  I was not excited.  I absolutely HATE IVs, as my veins do not cooperate, and I hate the pain.  Thankfully, my husband is skilled and it was only bad for a moment.  (But, I look back on that crazy upside-down memories and don't trust them because I don't have my own recall of much of the time since my last successful treatment.  

I don't know what I've said to people, or all the things I've done.  It's terrifying not being able to use my brain in the way it should be.  I have a glimpse of how frustrating and debilitating falling apart can be.  

But, at this time, I wasn't fully aware that I was in this fog.  

It's hard to fight when you can't see or understand the enemy.