Curveballs

Just when I think I have a pretty good handle on this new life and have this cancer thing pretty well figured out, I'm thrown a curve ball.

I was just talking about how grateful I am that I'm having the less severe chemo first, will get to keep my hair a little longer, and can get used to the schedule and how my body reacts to chemo before I have to worry about another major change.  Not a few days after that blog post, I was getting ready to go to a Young Women activity, and my hair just kept falling out.  I knew from the beginning that chemo would force me to have to deal with the loss of my hair, but I just had a different timeline mapped out in my mind.  Curveball.  I get to deal with it sooner than expected.

I decided to cut my hair pretty short, since that was the advice I was given by my doctor to help deal with the shock of losing the hair.  Apparently, it makes it less messy?  Well, I was also told that this first chemo would just cause my hair to "thin."  My interpretation of that word must be different than what is actually happening.  Every time I run my hands through my hair, 20 strands come out.  Trying to wash it is a mess.  Attempting to style it was even more of a joke.  I'm really just disappointed that this cute cut my stylist neighbor was kind enough to give me won't last longer than I was planning.  Curveball.  The short in-between-losing-it-all cut will not be much an an in-between after all. 

I was told NOTHING about weight loss/weight gain in all of this.  I assumed, if I'm being honest, that I might actually lose weight, what with the vomiting/change in appetite/sickness from chemo.  Part of me was like, "Hey, that's a positive spin on things.  If I'm going to be sick, at least I might be able to lose those last 10 pounds."  Oh, silly girl.  The weight thing has really slapped me in the face---or backside/gut/thighs.  I wasn't prepared for the weight gain.  It's been pretty extreme.  I really was working so hard to lose all of that baby weight and was SO CLOSE to my goal weight.  In no time, I feel like I'm half-way through another pregnancy, and it is rather depressing.  Curveball.  I get to add being fat to the *wonderful* list of side effects--especially those that I wasn't planning on!  

In addition to all of that *fun stuff* I may---or may not---have an incisional hernia near the site of my tubal ligation.  Add that to the list of things I need to have checked out.  Curveball!    

So, I've had a few rough times getting hit with all of these curveballs in the last few days.  There have been a few tears shed.  I try to be strong and handle whatever comes my way without {too much} complaining, but I also don't want to come off as fake.  It's hard to say that I'm doing well when someone asks because this stuff is HARD.  I know I'd be lying if I just smiled and said that everything is great.  It's not.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days I truly am ok, and others I'm just "ok."  But, all I can really do is take each day at a time and try to stay out of the way when the curve balls are thrown in my direction.