Last Quarter Scans

I'm tired.


I'm actually tired because of leaving early for scans today and not sleeping well after an AMAZING Halloween, but I'm also just tired of always having to fight for medical care.

First, I am BEYOND tired of dealing with the amount of time I spend on the phone trying to fight for my health or put out fires.  Whether it's insurance on covering scans or treatment and the on-going *discussion* of how they seem to understand more perfectly from reading paperwork what my body needs or does not need better than my own doctor(s).  There's time spent trying to reschedule appointments which were scheduled without consulting me on my availability, like my entire life simply involves waiting around, counting the minutes until I get to go downtown again and see medical staff!  I have other responsibilities and more on my calendar than just cancer treatments.  I'm tired of not being consulted by the doctor's office beforehand, which means I have to spend hours and hours as a patient trying to correct those mistakes, if there are even appointments available by the time I find out for rescheduling to be possible at all!  It's exhausting.

I'm tired of having to remember everything about this fight for reference to my nurses or techs.  Have you had a bone scan/CT/MRI/PET scan/ECHO before?  When was your last scan?  Where was it?  Isn't this why this hospital system is connected and all my past scans/images have been uploaded?  Can't you access that information because I'm your patient today?  My brain is full of information and memories about cancer treatments, but there's been so much that often the wires seem to have been crossed.  My brain is exhausted.

I'm tired of having to pee in a cup to prove that I'm not pregnant because I'm a female who is under FIFTY.  I've had a tubal ligation.  I've had an oophorcetomy.  My cancer treatment has put me into early menopause.  I have NO OVARIES and have been FIGHTING CANCER SINCE 2013!  Yet, I STILL have to pee in the cup.  Why?  Again, I have to defend my case over and over, but because it's "hospital policy," I can't be taken on my word about MY OWN BODY.  I'm tired of it all.

Then, there's the *lovely* conversations about my port.

What's wrong with your port?
You don't have a POWER PORT????  How could you not have one?
Is it a mediport?
I don't know if we can access that for this test.
What needle do nurses use to access this THING?
You must have a double port.
Your port is weird.
This is the first time in my whole career I've even NOT been able to access a port!
We are not going to be able to use THAT port.

I even have an x-ray in my phone to show inquiring minds who want to know.  They don't believe me that I've been accessed before for scans like this.  WITH THIS PORT!  Beyond that, isn't it THEIR job to know the type or the needle and where and for which procedures it has been accessed? Is there only ONE BRAND of port in the world?  We live in DALLAS, TEXAS, for heaven's sakes.  Shouldn't these people be trained on more than one type of equipment, not just for my treatments, but for anything else that might come up on the job?  When they don't have any nurse available who can access ports, or don't want to call anyone, or don't want to access it, or don't understand why ivs are such a big deal for me, it's even more frustrating.  I have been fighting cancer for nearly seven years, before that, I seem to have iv issues with every procedure, and now I have something like IVPTSD.  It's a thing; trust me.  And, it's beyond exhausting!

As if *simply* fighting cancer wasn't tiring enough!

I know positivity does wonders in both mental and physical health and healing, but there are some days that I just don't even want to deal with it all.  I'm tired of have to try to handle all the extras and I just don't even want to get out of bed, unless it's into a hot bath.  

I feel fine. I'm fine, fine, everything's FINE!  (For the most part.)  The pain is manageable. The treatments are manageable, especially now that I have fewer infusions that the drug company will pay for.  The whole fight is fine, and even somewhat monotonous, until something new comes up, or I have to do something extra, or any of the above situations come into the picture.  I'm exhausted, but I'm fine.



I had a bone scan and a CT today.  I vomited before I even took a sip of the *delicious* vanilla shake.    It's fine.  The office manager is THE SAME WOMAN I've had every time I have been to this place, the one who needed ME to explain to HER that an oophorectomy is the surgical removal of the ovaries, but that's not good enough---pee in the cup.  FINE.  I had a few very kind nurses and other medical staff today and also some who were real pills.  Now, I get to wait for results and wonder if the scans found out what this weird and painful new thing in my chest could possibly be.

I'm done with today.  I'm tired, but its fine.